Black Belt In MF'n Box

Cut a hole in the box. Put your.... no wait, nevermind.
Fuck yeah, I'm ordering this for the 'Mind Control' lessons.
Hell yeah! Just what I was missing... Will incorporate that with my Tai-Chi lessons...
Holy shit...that site was awesome! This dude is the greatest thing to hit the national martial arts scene since Ashida Kim and that "Virtual Master" dickhead with the online classes and webcam belt tests.

Why do I love it? Lemme count the ways...

1) Dig this pic:


Man, I would totally switch teams in a heartbeat for this guy; he is just that awesome. There, I said it. And don't give a good goddam who knows it!

2) I have just now reassessed my goals and objectives in life, and put membership in the American Masters Club at the top of my "To Do" list.


"American Masters Club?" Who the fuck thought up that name? Sounds like something you'd be admitted to by submitting your Blackbelt In A Box boxtops and UPC code, whereupon you get an acceptance letter, an official American Masters Club secret decoder ring, and an autographed personal admonition from Master Dr. Ted Gambordella reminding you to drink Ovaltine at least once a day.

3) "Dr. Ted celebrates his 60th Birthday by doing his 5 Millionth Sit UP!"

Damn, Dr. sure know how to life the wild life to its fullest. And here I thought that spending your birthday drinking shots of Padron tequila from a glass wedged between the tits of a stripper while getting a lapdance was off the hook.




Oooh, that rascal Dr. Ted has got some competition for my affections!!

Which brings me to the training materials.

5) The Deadliest Karate Moves: You'll learn how to fight to the death utilizing the 100 most lethal kicks, shutos and blows known to the world's greatest karate masters.

Whose death are we talking about here? Mine or the other guy? If I'm relying on skills culled from a DVD to defend myself, it could go either way.

6) Fight for Your Life: This practical book concerns just what the title implies, learning the secret art of fighting in the street, winning at all costs and under any circumstances TO SAVE YOU LIFE!

If I ever get arrested by the cops for beating someone up, and they interrogate me as to what happened, I'll just say "Shhh! It's a secret!!"

7) Weapons of the Street: This book is a comprehensive training manual for people and students who may find that they have to defend themselves in the street from attack by those who may have such weapons as knives, bats, clubs, broken bottles, chains, or all of the above.

Am I to understand there exists a meaningful statistical likelihood of being assaulted by a dude wielding a knife *AND* a bat *AND* a club *AND* a broken bottle *AND* (at long last, finally) a chain? I suppose in this instance, the attacker would be none other than the Hindu deity Shiva the Destroyer:

Since Shiva has a the ability to wreck the universe and all creation, I don't think my "A" game would get me very far not metter what DVDs I watched.

Every other thug asshole in the country packs a gun anyway, so I really fail to see the point.

8) O.M.A. Obsessive Mental Attitude: What an awesome title for a book or DVD. Sounds like it's chock full of advice on how to adopt the necesary frame of mind to properly stalk your ex-girlfriend. I wonder if there is a corresponding tome called Compulsive Mental Attitude, which builds upon Obsessive Mental Attitude and teaches people to count and touch every object in sight before kicking someones' ass.

"What is the mental secrets of the martial arts?" I dunno, Capt. Syntax. Apparently the secret of proper sentence structure continues to elude you.

9) Time Out for Bullies:This is the first Children's Self Defense book written by Children For Children, and done by Children who are NOT BLACK BELTS.[/b]

What better place to begin the journey towards martial arts skill than a book written by a small child.

10) he Complete Book Weapons" ...the only comprehensive book on karate weapons ever published! [/b]

I totally call "bullshit" on that one.

11) How to Win Any Fight:This is a book for people who want to WIN FIGHTS not be in fights.

Othwerise known as "pussies."

I have been in dozens and dozens of street fights, and 99 of them I got over in just a few seconds, with devastating punches and kicks.

He's been keeping records of his streetfighting accomplishments? Must be that Obsessive Mental Attitude working its magic.

12) Cane Jiu Jitsu: The CANE is the best weapon for you to learn because IT IS LEGAL TO CARRY.

And what able-bodied person wouldn't want to go about their daily business toting a fucking cane everywhere they go. Wouldn't this lead potential attackers to take you for an easy mark...I mean, since you see to need a cane and all.

You will learn everything you need to know blocks, attacks, defenses, chokes, throws, hold downs, even moves for Children

Giving your child a cane? Great idea. He should have plenty of chances to hone his technique with half the playground kicking his ass every day at recess.

13) Fight Dirty: You will see, "face tears", "ear bites", "groin destroyers", "back breakers" and much much more. What, no "Peoples' Elbow"?

14) Oriental Philosophy: 25 Year ago I began an intensive research into Oriental Philosophy. I studied and summarized over 25 books and spent years writing and researching.

Impressive...after a quarter of a century of "intensive research," he still calls people from that part of the world "Orientals."

15) The Amazing Secret of KI: Learn the Secret of KI. How to take full power blows to any part of your body with No Injury. Drive nails with your head.

Good news for those of us who can never seem to find a proper fucking hammer when something around the house needs to be nailed together. And I'd bet that most potential attackers would take their heels and run like hell if they confronted someone and that person began hammering shit with their own skull like a crazed circus sideshow geek.

"Break Boards on your ribs with a bat. Bend knives on your neck. Lie on a bed of nails and break boards, and much more."

Any advice on how to deal with the doctors in the ER when you show up with a series of self-inflicted injuries you sustained after watching some stupid DVD and convincing your buddy to bludgeon your ribs with a bat while you shanked yourself in the neck?
Gresgster, I had no idea that it was so awesome!! Will look into it more closely...

"Master Belt and Rope Training

Grandmaster Ted Gambordella

You will learn to use your Karate Belt or a Rope as a Deadly Weapon

Many people do not realize why the karate belt is so Long? It is not long just for looks. It is long because it can be used as a Weapon for self defense. And it can be used as a Deadly Weapon to Stop any attack.

I will show you step by step dozens of techniques to use the rope to stop an attack, and to control you attacker. You will be amazed by the Power of your Belt and the control you can have over your opponents using your belt, or a rope. Whenever I go to any karate class I always walk in wearing my belt around my neck, so that I have it ready to any surprise attack.

You will learn, chokes, hold downs, flips, lock ups and devastating control techniques."

Yes, I can imagine:

'Good morning, Sensei!'

*Ted walks in, belt over his neck*

'You try and attack me? Fool!'

*swings belt over his head, instantly killing his student*
This thread is making me late for the gym, but it's just too damn funny I couldn't stop. Good show.
Wrist Locks and Control

Featuring Grandmaster Ted Gambordella

Did you ever wonder why we Bow in the Martial Arts, rather than shaking hands? It's not just because of great respect for our teachers or students, it is because when you shake hands with someone, you are inviting an attack that you won't be able to defend against. When you put your hand into someone else's hand you have essentially taking away one of your arms that you could use for self defense and the given the person you are shaking hands with a great amount of control over you. IF you know how to do basic Wrist Locks and control techniques you will be able to completely take control of the other person and win any fight, or stop a potential fight.

You will learn controls, submissions, locks and hold downs, all done from a simple handshake.

Yes, I take it has nothing to do with the gloves...
nothing here that i couldnt learn from watching WWE for a few weeks. Those guys are AWESOME fighters /sarcasm

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