SPOOKOLOGY REPORT
(Filed under: Sudden Kinetic Spook Response, High-Level Shookology)
Tier-5 Disturbance Behavior
(Equivalent to a clown emerging from a fog machine at 2 AM)
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RECONSTRUCTED BEHAVIORAL TIMELINE
T-00:03 — Arman approaches
He’s trying to look composed.
He practiced his walk:
Chest out ✔
Chin high ✔
Jaw clenched ✔
Soul loosely attached ✔✔
T-00:02 — Hooker activates Bounce Mode
Dan starts pogo-sticking in place.
Not happy bouncing.
Not excited bouncing.
Just vertical, emotionless, haunting bouncing.
Like a haunted slinky with a felony record.
T-00:01 — Arman’s brain attempts to compute
“Why is he… why is he MOVING?
Why is he taller EVERY time he lands??
Is he getting closer??
Why is he not blinking??
T-00:00 — FULL SPOOK CASCADE
This is the exact moment his nervous system enters:
Emergency Instinct Override Mode
The bouncing creates a visual illusion:
Hooker seems to grow, shrink, then grow again, like an approaching boss in a horror game.
Arman’s fight-or-flight triggers…
But flight isn’t allowed at weigh-ins.
So what happens?
THE FEAR BUTT™
The instinctive “lean forward and hope he stops” maneuver.
His subconscious tried to push the Pause Button on reality with his forehead.
This is not a dominance move.
This is not bravado.
This is pure, uncut, unfiltered:
“STOP JUMPING YOU TERRIFYING KIWI JELLYFISH MAN.”
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FINAL SPOOKOLOGY DIAGNOSIS:
Dan Hooker’s Jumping: 100% the cause of the panic headbutt.
Arman Tsarukyan: 115% spooked.
Cosmic lesson learned:
Never underestimate the psychological impact of a 6-foot man bouncing like a possessed toddler on a trampoline while staring into your soul.
Case amended.
Report updated.
Spookology confirmed.
I've been here for years...
