Advice needed on post-mortem grieving

[Damien Karras]

Well, whether it is a "gifty" presentation or me handing it over, my worries are more about the timing. If she listens to the interview now, will it only reinforce the sentiment that she misses him? Or should the funeral occur first, get the closure there, and then hand the cd over? At best I can lie and say I didn't find out about the interview until the day of or before the funeral.

 

[Scrody]

Just tell her you have audio of her dads voice that you know she'd want. Leave it at that.

 

[SCADA]

Yeah, lie to her...that's an awesome idea....

 

[Michaelangelo]

You should give it to her as soon as possible. This isn't some birthday present.

 

[Damien Karras]

Just tell her you have audio of her dads voice that you know she'd want. Leave it at that.

yeah. She's at the funeral home right now though. I'll gauge it by how she feels and what she says.

Yeah, lie to her...that's an awesome idea....

Do your friends call you sunshine because you are just a beaming ray of happiness? You've been trying to make me out as either a weirdo or an asshole since the beginning of this thread. I don't agree with lying, I can just say I thought of it a day or two later. It's not like I'm cheating on her.

You should give it to her as soon as possible. This isn't some birthday present.

I wasn't going to hold onto it for more than two or three days. Her birthday is in november. I'm just so unsure given I don't want her to listen to it and then get depressed. I want it to help her with her grieving by listening to it at the right time.

I'm getting a few different responses all in all. I guess it reinforces my belief that there are no real right or wrong ways of doing this. I know her very well though so I'm going to use my gut instinct on this.

 

[DeepCover]

You should give it to her as soon as possible. This isn't some birthday present.

Having seen my wife go through the loss of her father a few years ago, I highly recommend the above approach.

 

[RedRocket44]

I thought this thread was about her being upset about this until I kept reading.

Yea, that part of the story wasn't really relevant.

To OP, tell her the story of the tape, and put it on a CD or memory stick and give it to her. She will listen to it when she's ready. If she wants to listen to it with you she'll ask.

Don't sit her down and say "I have a surprise for you, listen to this!".

 

[RedRocket44]

Personally, I think it's best to tell her the existence of the tape ASAP, and give her a copy, and tell her to listen to it when she's ready.

I just don't think it's fair for you to dictate when/how she grieves. Maybe it will help her with the process now.

 

[Grob]

Just tell her asap that the conversation you had with her about hearing her dads voice reminded you that you have a tape of him from a year ago. Then just give her the tape, or offer to put it on cd etc...

 

[Josh]

Why are you trying to score points off of this man? Just give it to her.

 

[fightingrabbit]

I'd wait until probably after the funeral like someone suggested. I mean he only recently died, shit might be too overwhelming at first.

 

[Kruppe]

I think you're over-thinking this. Just tell her you heard what she said and that you have a recording of him, that she can listen to whenever she likes. She may want to listen asap, or maybe not for awhile. The point is you let her know. It's good that you are wanting to consider her feelings, to not cause her any more pain, but the truth of the matter is she will be grieving considerably no matter what. The busy work of preparing for a funeral will distract her some, but the grief will remain. Since she has already stated that she'd like to hear his voice again, I don't think you should worry about telling her at least that you have the recording. Leave the time of when she listens to it up to her, tell her when you're alone together, but tell her soon.

 

[urnotaslave23]

I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is not some lame troll attempt(mainly cause it really hit me in the feels).

You are coming across as a real fucking asshole. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you are an asshole. That's just what you look like, right now.

She literally said to you....

....she wants to hear his voice one last time. I asked her if she had any video or audio recordings and she said no.

Why would you not, upon finding out you do in fact have audio of his voice, audio of him recounting his life, immediately give it to her? This is a no brainer friend.

A good friend of mine, whom I considered my little brother, passed away. I had video of us fucking around, partying, what-not, and I gave it to his grieving sister and mother and never in my life have I seen someones expression change so drastically or a face light up so much. Those videos helped his family, they helped our friends, they helped me immeasurably.

But even with experience directly related to your girlfriends situation, I can't tell you how it will help or hinder her for you to give her the audio. No one can, except her. I can tell you it's not your place to keep it from her. You're NOT helping her by doing that.

Give it to her and let her decide if she's ready for it or not. Don't be an asshole. :wink:

 

[Damien Karras]

So I decided to just tell her. My mom thought it would be best if I waited until after the funeral but you guys seem to think it was best if I just told her.

She was very moved by the fact that I have the recording and is looking forward to listening to it. She didn't make a point of wanting to listen to it right away and will let me know when the time is best.

Sorry for the weird thread. I hadn't slept much the night before and that was a really intense experience. I wasn't trying to score points, I was just trying to wait for the right time to tell her.