Advice needed on post-mortem grieving

Damien Karras

Damien Karras

Mirabile dictu, don't you agree?
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Hello everyone,

My girlfriend's father passed away last night. He was surrounded by her and her mother in the hospital while I quickly ran to check the score of the NHL playoffs. It was a fitting way for him to end his life being surrounded by his daughter (my girlfriend is an only child) who he had a very very close relationship with, and his wife who he adored dearly. He was a terrific man. He was full of life and loved everyone indiscriminately.

As such, my girlfriend is grieving right now and is in the middle of making funeral arrangements as we speak. She says she wants to hear his voice one last time. I asked her if she had any video or audio recordings and she said no.

Then it dawned on me.

A year and a half ago I had to submit a paper of an interview I conducted of someone in his later years recounting his life for a class entitled Adulthood and Life Transitions. I had used my friend's recording device to record the interview. I ended up dropping the class soon after and then returned my friend's device to him and didn't think of it anymore. I asked him today if he deleted that interview and, as luck would have it, it was still there! He uploaded it on google drive and I downloaded it. I just listened to the whole thing and it was quite an incredible thing to hear his voice, to hear him laugh, and talk about his life.

So I'm obviously going to hand this over to my girlfriend, only I am not sure how or when to do this. I'm very excited that I can do this for her and can hardly contain myself. I know myself too, I'll get so excited that I'll either blurt it out, or tell her I have a surprise for her. But given the stakes, I can exercise some restraint and just deliver this to her in the most appropriate way in terms of timing and method.

So I need your advice on this. The man just passed away last night so the feelings are all still very raw. Is it best that I wait? If so, how long? Should I give her a cd or a flash drive? Should I make a montage out of it? What's the most comprehensive way to make a montage out of it? Is this even a bad idea at all? (I wouldn't think so but I still need your advice on this.

Thanks guys, and while playful banter is welcomed, let's keep this discussion kosher out of respect for a wonderful human being who recently passed on.

Thank you
 
This is a weird request.....

Just tell her about the recording and see if she would like a copy. Trying to surprise her with something like that is as tacky as asking for advice on the interweb...
 
Sebchenier said:
He was surrounded by her and her mother in the hospital while I quickly ran to check the score of the NHL playoffs.
Click to expand...

I thought this thread was about her being upset about this until I kept reading.

Show it to her after the funeral and when everyone has calmed down a little bit.
 
First off, condolences.

I'm sure there will be a variety of theories, but personally I can't see a huge difference between waiting and doing it soon. Would she be upset if you waited while knowing how much it could have helped her in the grieving process? My advice is to go ahead and give it to her.
 
My advice? Try to refrain from checking your ESPN alerts during the funeral.
 
Just give it to her tonight at a good time where you guys can share a moment. I've never lost a parent but I have lost a couple of aunts who I was very close too. They were like a second and third mother to me.

I lost all my grandparents.

This is a gift you can give right now. She will cry but that's why you are going to be with her. Let her talk. Don't try and help. Just listen and agree with her. If you have something to share about her father that you enjoyed talk about it. When she cries just hold her and be there for her. Also, is she is with her family ask her if it's ok to be there. If she says no don't be offended.

Also don't fucking check the scores until you get home. The nhl and nba can wait for a couple of hours.
 
Just give her the recording saying that you had something maybe it will help her with the feelings and such.
 
tell her the story about how u came up on the recording device but dont add no flare. hand her the recording (cd is prob. best) and leave her alone while she listens to it. i dont think waiting will help at all. if she wants to hear his voice let her. simple as that.
 
Dizzy said:
My advice? Try to refrain from checking your ESPN alerts during the funeral.
Click to expand...



Whoa whoa whoa, lets not get ahead of ourselves here man



Her father died a proud man knowing his son in law kept his priorities in check.
 
Seriously, with the checking of the sports scores. Was it a sudden thing that he passed?
 
break it to her. this unfortunately isn't something to spring on someone like SURPRIIISEEE!!! given the situation, there isn't much joy to be had here, so trying to save it as some surprise might not go over well. however if you tell her straight off the bat, hey i have a recording of your father still would probably be the better approach. it doesn't change the sad events around her, but it gives her something to hear her fathers voice when she wants, and some sort of closure as well.

definitely don't try to surprise her with it, its not a surprise occaison. + just notifying them about it now can maybe soften the mourning just small bit, im sure they would love to hear his voice and possibly work it into the memorial some how.
 
tkotom said:
Seriously, with the checking of the sports scores. Was it a sudden thing that he passed?
Click to expand...

Could have at least left him with some NHL playoff action before he passed on.

Better than an awkward, quiet room.
 
tkotom said:
Seriously, with the checking of the sports scores. Was it a sudden thing that he passed?
Click to expand...

I was with another of her friends who liked hockey. My gf's mother would sometimes prompt us to leave for a few seconds so she can be alone with him by saying "what's the score? you should go watch the game and come back and tell him". He went in with pneumonia last week, and was diagnosed with cancer the next day. My gf got the call at 4pm to say she needed to get to the hospital as he would not make it through the night. Everything happened so incredibly fast.

When I arrived I was told he can still hear us. He was breathing on his own. So we spoke to him a bit and he could react faintly by squeezing ever so lightly someone's hand, or by shaking his head just a bit. So he was responding to what was being said, and my gf's mother and my gf wanted so share a few private moments with him and to get some reaction. So that is why I "left to check the score of the game". It wasn't cause I didn't want to be there. I know that's how it came across.

I appreciate everyone's input. I'm still torn about this. I might wait a few days based on some of the responses I've been given. I apologize for the grim thread. I guess this is my way of grieving, and I'm sorry for being a downer. I just want my girlfriend to hear this recording and I want to make sure it's the right timing. I have very little experience in these issues.
 
Holding on to it will only make her mad. If she finds out you are sitting on it for a while she will wonder why you did not give it to her earlier.
 
Sebchenier said:
I was with another of her friends who liked hockey. My gf's mother would sometimes prompt us to leave for a few seconds so she can be alone with him by saying "what's the score? you should go watch the game and come back and tell him". He went in with pneumonia last week, and was diagnosed with cancer the next day. My gf got the call at 4pm to say she needed to get to the hospital as he would not make it through the night.

When I arrived I was told he can still hear us. He was breathing on his own. So we spoke to him a bit and he could react faintly by squeezing ever so lightly someone's hand, or by shaking his head just a bit. So he was responding to what was being said, and my gf's mother and my gf wanted so share a few private moments with him and to get some reaction. So that is why I "left to check the score of the game". It wasn't cause I didn't want to be there. I know that's how it came across.

I appreciate everyone's input. I'm still torn about this. I might wait a few days based on some of the responses I've given. I apologize for the grim thread. I guess this is my way of grieving, and I'm sorry for being a downer. I just want my girlfriend to hear this recording and I want to make sure it's the right timing. I have very little experience in these issues.
Click to expand...

I thought it might be something like this. Sad to hear that.

I think she will like the video.
 
ramsiN said:
break it to her. this unfortunately isn't something to spring on someone like SURPRIIISEEE!!! given the situation, there isn't much joy to be had here, so trying to save it as some surprise might not go over well. however if you tell her straight off the bat, hey i have a recording of your father still would probably be the better approach. it doesn't change the sad events around her, but it gives her something to hear her fathers voice when she wants, and some sort of closure as well.

definitely don't try to surprise her with it, its not a surprise occaison. + just notifying them about it now can maybe soften the mourning just small bit, im sure they would love to hear his voice and possibly work it into the memorial some how.
Click to expand...

Hmmmm... not sure I would have made it a SUPRIIIISE kind of surprise, but more like a gift bag with a nice card with a short and sweet message like "this belongs to you and more mother" or something like that.

I'm quite sentimental as you may all have noticed. Some of you might call it Beta ;) but I have no problem owning up to it. Does that make me alpha?
 
No.

This is not a gifty thing....use your words.....they are the things that come out of your mouth, hopefully when other humans are around.
 
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