20 seconds later...
This piece wasn't meant for publication, it was meant for satire on yer very own sherdog -- However, since you apparently have no inner-monologue to read satire -- or follow along -- all hail our almighty AI overlords... the ones that undoubtedly help the lobbyists write the shit they pass to the (D) and (R) that give marching orders
Enjoy!
1. Opening Credits: Democracy — The Parody Edition
Welcome to
“Democracy: The Two-Party Dumpster Fire Edition” — Extended Cut, with Director’s Commentary, Remastered for Idiocy & Total Lack of Awareness.
Now streaming as
Season 247 of
Outrage! The Musical, and coming soon as the
all-midgets-only Pornhub Special (members-only, limited edition, terms & conditions apply, one per customer).
Introducing:
- The never-ending DLC Lobbyists Strike Back
- Bonus spin-off Make Everyone Groan Again
Because democracy deserves the
full parody treatment.
(Brought to you by Carl’s Jr.)
2. The Blame Game
(D) blames (R) for everything wrong with the world.
(R) blames (D) right back.
The rest of us? We’re stuck footing the
bill for their therapy sessions.
Both sides call it democracy — but it’s really
pro wrestling with better actors and sharper promo skills.
The system feeds on
division, because peace doesn’t trend (sorry — I meant
sell).
They don’t run on results.
They run on
fear,
outrage, and the joy of making the other side the
enemy.
3. The Great American Villain Show
Both parties swear they’re fighting evil — and honestly, they’re right, because they’re fighting
each other.
They sell the fantasy that half the country is made of villains:
Pick your flavor — “woke Marxists” or “fascist rednecks.”
Meanwhile, behind the velvet curtain,
lobbyists hand politicians their scripts.
Taxpayers get screwed, and corporations like ExxonMobil bankroll both sides — while writing off the outrage as a business expense.
We’re not voting for leaders anymore.
We’re picking
salespeople for the same broken system — and somehow cheering while they rob us.
4. America: Designer Decay
While these two cults scream at each other (yeah,
cults), the country’s rotting from the inside out:
- Housing: Unaffordable.
- Healthcare: Hostage situation with co-pays.
- Infrastructure: Congrats, we upgraded from a C– to a C!
- Public discourse: Somewhere between reality show and bar fight.
We’re a third-world nation in designer merch — waving party flags while wearing hospital gowns and calling them capes.
5. The Two-Party Hostage Crisis
Congress can’t pass basic legislation without treating it like a hostage negotiation.
(Unless it’s military funding — that always passes overnight.)
The two-party system doesn’t solve problems anymore — it
creates them, then
sells you the cure.
Every “issue” is just ammo to keep the war going.
The middle and lower class bleed while billionaires buy yachts named
Trickle Down.
Cute name. Brutal metaphor.
6. The Independent’s Dilemma
Being an
independent-centrist isn’t “riding the fence.”
It’s standing midfield while both sides fire literal shit from trebuchets.
It’s not indecision — it’s
perspective.
All I’m asking: think outside of party lines.
No hidden agenda. Just critical thought.
If you can’t do that — can’t question the narrative — ask yourself what you actually contribute to this democracy.
And remember: not everything is federal-level nonsense.
(
Except the crimes — those go federal real quick.)
7. What Real Independence Looks Like
“Center-independentism” (yeah, it’s a ridiculous word) isn’t about being neutral.
It’s about saying, “Both sides look dumb — and here’s why.”
And maybe — just maybe —
compromise isn’t cowardice.
It’s progress.
Think about it:
- Infrastructure bill → Bipartisan.
- Veterans care expansion → Bipartisan.
- Criminal justice reform → Bipartisan.
- Iraq War and PATRIOT Act → Yeah, we messed that one up.
Most real progress happens when both sides shut up long enough to work together.
That’s not weakness — that’s
adulthood.
Once upon a time, that was called
governing.
8. Fence-Sitters and Foundation Builders
So mock the centrists if you want.
Call them “fence-sitters.”
But taking a step back and realizing how absurd both sides are isn’t indecision — it’s
maintenance of the foundation.
And that foundation is cracking under the weight of partisan bullshit.
“Intercenterpendentenism” (try saying that three times fast) isn’t the enemy.
They’re the ones with the shovel, cleaning the mess from your left-vs-right trebuchet war.
The real enemy?
The system that convinced you that
division and hatred are patriotic.
9. The “Solutions” (That Will Never Pass)
You want solutions? Fine. Rapid-fire time:
Lock the lobbyists out of the goddamn building.
Publicly fund campaigns — no billionaire sugar daddies.
Add ranked-choice voting — stop choosing between Tweedle(D)umb and Tweedleco(R)rupt.
Torch the tax loopholes.
Impose Congressional term limits.
It’s not rocket science — it’s honesty.
Which is exactly why it’ll never pass the House.
10. The Dream — Building Something That Works
We could start fixing things tomorrow.
Imagine the miracles if left and right stopped jerking off to outrage long enough to
build something that actually works.
Until then —
enjoy your regularly scheduled outrage programming.
