To tell or not to tell?

[ChosenOne]

This is a question explored in countless media that, as i rewatch MadMan i have to admit, i do not think 'telling' is always the best path.

The scenario of this question is one time affair that you engage in, you break it off and feel genuine deep guilt and realize how much you love your spouse, and you commit to yourself you will never do it again. You also will not be caught on this unless you tell your spouse.

If you do not tell, you will certainly live with any residual guilt you feel, but as with generations of 'unspoken affairs' that happened in prior generations, if this secret is kept, your spouse, kids, grandkids will live and die in their perception of a happy stable family. If you tell it will lead to misery, divorce, trust issues (not just for spouse but that ripple in to kids and grandkids) and all the predictable fall out from such a betrayal.

So as the person who cheated (lets use the Dr's wife) in this scenario, if you had high assurance the affair would never be known (a better scenario than the MadMan one would be vacation sex with a stranger), do you believe you should tell the spouse anyway, as they have a right to know and share the misery with you, and experience the fall out.

Or do you live with it and suffer all the guilt alone, while allowing the family to enjoy the facade of a perfect family???

(inb4 'TS is looking for people to tell him to not admit he cheated')

 

[Kardashians]

TS is looking for people to tell him to not admit he cheated

 

[Fedorgasm]

If the primary reason you're telling us to alleviate the guilt you're feeling, then it's selfish to tell. Because the only person that benefits is you. You now feel less guilty because you got it off your chest.

But it's also not fair to your spouse to let them live a lie. Maybe the best action is to split with your spouse, and then while you're separated, tell them you cheated a long time ago. Let then be mad at you for a while and then try to gain forgiveness and see if she'll start dating you again. That way, she's choosing to date you knowing the full truth, rather than just "staying" with you and resenting you for the rest of your marriage.

 

[Spam On Rye]

Man, you're really invested in this show.

 

[ChosenOne]

If the primary reason you're telling us to alleviate the guilt you're feeling, then it's selfish to tell. Because the only person that benefits is you. You now feel less guilty because you got it off your chest.

But it's also not fair to your spouse to let them live a lie. Maybe the best action is to split with your spouse, and then while you're separated, tell them you cheated a long time ago. Let then be mad at you for a while and then try to gain forgiveness and see if she'll start dating you again. That way, she's choosing to date you knowing the full truth, rather than just "staying" with you and resenting you for the rest of your marriage.

So i am curious.

There are countless generations of husbands of wives and kids and grandkids who dies feeling they had an idealistic family life, and they (especially kids and grandkids) went on to have healthy relationships as they never dealt with this destruction of trust.

Do you feel the parent who choose to keep the secret was wrong, and out of some obligation to disclosure, should have ended the marriage anyway and shared the lie later? Were they wrong not to do that?

 

[ChosenOne]

Man, you're really invested in this show.

I do really enjoy this show. It is my second viewing now, since its original airing.

But that is not what this question is about as this question is pretty eternal. The show just triggered me to ask it.

 

[Kowboy On Sherdog]

 

[nonoob]

Just wondering - did Doc also nail that chick in the elevator wearing the uniform? In a way, that could cancel out the other affair, making him not have to say anything at all.

Give me red
'til I'm dead.​

 

[Ralph Wiggum]

Deny deny deny

 

[Fedorgasm]

So i am curious.

There are countless generations of husbands of wives and kids and grandkids who dies feeling they had an idealistic family life, and they (especially kids and grandkids) went on to have healthy relationships as they never dealt with this destruction of trust.

Do you feel the parent who choose to keep the secret was wrong, and out of some obligation to disclosure, should have ended the marriage anyway and shared the lie later? Were they wrong not to do that?

Yeah from a moral perspective, yes. Especially since they thought they'd never get caught but with DNA testing it's all coming out now.

From a practical perspective, I understand not telling. But put yourself in the shoes of the non cheating spouse, you'd want to know, even if it hurts.

 

[Crazy Source]

TS is looking for people to tell him to not admit he cheated

We all cheat, be it physical or emotional. Life is a constant journey towards honesty if you are living right.

 

[Batjester]

TS is looking for people to tell him to not admit he cheated

You're assuming TS has had not just one, but two people who have wanted to have sex with them. Suspension of disbelief can only be taken so far.

 

[ChosenOne]

Yeah from a moral perspective, yes. Especially since they thought they'd never get caught but with DNA testing it's all coming out now.

From a practical perspective, I understand not telling. But put yourself in the shoes of the non cheating spouse, you'd want to know, even if it hurts.

oh, i understand the 'I would want to know' pull that exists.

I am just not sure that is the most important consideration. A spouse would 'want to know' a secret that could destroy the family and see them killed or jailed, even if the other said, 'i am the only living person who knows this and as long as i tell no one, we are safe'.

People desire to 'want to know' can be ruinous in certain situations.

Not saying they are wrong. Just not sure the other person is wrong in making a call for family happiness or safety over 'a want to know that might damage generations of their family'.

 

[nonoob]

Yeah from a moral perspective, yes. Especially since they thought they'd never get caught but with DNA testing it's all coming out now.

From a practical perspective, I understand not telling. But put yourself in the shoes of the non cheating spouse, you'd want to know, even if it hurts.

Been married over 30 years my way, never been unfaithful.

NO chance would I want to know about the wife's indescrition, it'd would crush me.

 

[ChosenOne]

Yeah from a moral perspective, yes. Especially since they thought they'd never get caught but with DNA testing it's all coming out now.

From a practical perspective, I understand not telling. But put yourself in the shoes of the non cheating spouse, you'd want to know, even if it hurts.

Let's put this another way.

You are given a glimpse into the future.

Future 1 : you do not tell. the rest of the family (spouse, kids, grandkids) live and die idealistic lives having never lost their ability to trust. You see they had happy lives, and families, and died happy.

Future 2 : you do tell. Your marriage falls apart in betrayal. Your spouse then hates you and sours your kids on you. Your kids well being and trust is destroyed and they do not have good life outcome.

Yes even knowing the above you know your spouse would 'want to know', so do you tell?

 

[ChosenOne]

Been married over 30 years my way, never been unfaithful.

NO chance would I want to know about the wife's indescrition, it'd would crush me.

I feel similarly.

I would not want to know, if indeed my wife (i am divorced and not looking to remarry) had a one time fling affair (vacation sex) and she was truly guilty for doing it and felt recommitted to me and the family and was determined to never make such a mistake again.

 

[ChosenOne]

Just wondering - did Doc also nail that chick in the elevator wearing the uniform? In a way, that could cancel out the other affair, making him not have to say anything at all.

Give me red
'til I'm dead.​

ha no. Doc, in the show, was the typical cuck in this situation.

A hard working over achieving nerd, who is able to attract a wife way above his status by offering financially stability and devotion, but his wife feels like she sacrificed passion to marry him, even though she does love him.

The only way doc is getting side action is if he pays for it, or finds another woman who wants to marry him (steal him from his wife) to gain access to his life.

 

[Crazy Source]

Let's put this another way.

You are given a glimpse into the future.

Future 1 : you do not tell. the rest of the family (spouse, kids, grandkids) live and die idealistic lives having never lost their ability to trust. You see they had happy lives, and families, and died happy.

Future 2 : you do tell. Your marriage falls apart in betrayal. Your spouse then hates you and sours your kids on you. Your kids well being and trust is destroyed and they do not have good life outcome.

Yes even knowing the above you know your spouse would 'want to know', so do you tell?

You assume that if you don't tell there will be some fairytale existence. That's not how it works. The wife would know in some way, and the distance between the two would grow. The kids would feel that, and their model of existence is two dysfunctional people.

 

[ChosenOne]

You assume that if you don't tell there will be some fairytale existence. That's not how it works. The wife would know in some way, and the distance between the two would grow. The kids would feel that, and their model of existence is two dysfunctional people.

Interesting POV.

You think it is fairy tale if you do not think wives (or husbands) know of 100% of affairs and no spouse has ever had one that the other does not suspect. Because that is what you are saying by saying my hypothetical could not exist outside a fairy tale.

Sorry i do not agree with you. I think some spouses could hide it and the other spouse would not have some fairy tale like power to always know in 100% of instances.

 

[fingercuffs]

Fun fact, I met her at a Firefly convention and she was a waif. She filled out in all the right places by Mad Men. Don’t think for a second she had any work done either,