The Best Steam Reviews.

[seatea]

Inspired by the YouTube comments thread in Pictures & Multimedia, I started to save the most entertaining Steam reviews I found. I have enough to get us going and will add more if I spot them.

Also, add any that you see yourself.

Wander naked in your mothers basement, cry a lot and cosplay with whatever items you find.

Great neckbeard simulator.

For The Binding of Isaac.

Lately, a lot of fowl games have been released on Steam. This has ruffled a lot of feathers, and with good reason, as there are some real birdbrains making videogames nowadays. But I'm talon you, this isn't one of those, this game is eggcellent. You might fink people just buy it for ironic purposes, but it's eggshelly a very good game. The premise may make you worried that the game's a bit of an odd duck - a human gull going to a school for birds? To call that "realistic" would be ostrich, so a lot of peeps might wonder how the flock that can make for a fun game. But if you give it a chance and carrion with it, you'll discover that it is well written, with a migrate cast of characters. You're bound to have a pheasant time with this, and even if you're still hesitant, you should swallow your pride and buy the game on a lark (it's not that expensive, so don't worry about the bill), and you'll discover an impeckable game with hours of replay value. So just spend some cash from your nest egg, and from heron out you won't egret your perchase. You'll have a hoot, guaranteed.

For Hatoful Boyfriend.

Upon completion of Nethergate (8/31/14, 5:54am), I've now finished every single Spiderweb game on steam on torment difficulty.

In celebration I am considering setting up a shrine on the street and charging people 5 dollars to come and soak in my magnificent countenance.

"Come! See the man with no life!" the brochures will say, "So little life, that he spent over 900 hours playing through the Geneforge saga, Nethergate, Avadon 1 and 2, Escape from the Pit, and the second Avernum trilogy on the hardest difficulties!"

Mothers will shush their children and tell them not to look as they pass by, the occasional kindly priest or do gooder will sometimes throw a few coins my way and mutter prayers to themselves wondering how one could have fallen so far, while groups of teenagers and young men will jeer and mock, throwing old tin cans and bits of rock at my head.

But I shall sit serenely in my state of old school isometric RPG nirvana, my body covered in muck and spit, but my mind drifting outside of the cares of this world, pondering the time that my party was nearly wiped and I fought off a group of chitrachs with just my priest, or the time in Avernum 5 when I spent 20 minutes killing a wolf with 4,000 hp, or the time in Geneforge 4 when I repeatedly reloaded a giant battle to save all the Serviles because I couldn't bear to see a single of the cute little buggers get caught in the crossfire, or that bloody, ????ing, redbeard boss fight (which, truth be told, I never did bother completing). In short, while physically present, I shall have passed on from this world, lost in a realm a bit higher than the real, forever and wholly beyond the fray.....or at least until Spiderweb releases another game, anyway.

For Nethergate: Resurection.

Manhunt is a Educational E-Rated video game which is fun to play with the whole family and is recommended for all ages.

For Manhunt.

Basically you just di<k around trying to erect a man mountain while waiting for someone to co<k up. I'm not being hard-on the game when I say it isn't very s<hlong and doesn't contain a massive load of game modes or a penetrating plot, because overall it's a nice package. It's not expensive, so you won't feel shafted blowing your wad and your wallet will retain it's bulge.

For me it's a definite wiener!

...peenis

For Mount Your Friends

Mom I swear It's not what you think.

For Mount Your Friends.

This game is a tremendously moving social commentary on the current state of Corporate America, and the struggles of the middle-class citizen. Each mounter represents a member of our capitalist society clambering to be successful and live the American Dream, only to be shoved away and sat upon by another of their fellow citizens. The goat represents the economic food chain, in which those who are weak are crushed by those who have become mad with power and influence.

Or maybe this is a game about ????? physics.

10/10

For Mount your Friends.

I apparently didn't close the game correctly once and it stayed on for a few days and now I have 250+ hours in it 10/10 game.

For Super Amazing Wagon Adventure (this game cost

 

[seatea]

For a game called 'Yohjo Simulator'. You play as a loli rather than a goat.

Loli terrorizes the city, finds a r@pe scene and beats ups naked men. 10/10 on FBI watchlist now.

as a pedophile I can recommend this game for everyone who always wanted to experience the other side.

 

[Plissken]

Most of the ones I've seen seem to be the general "Did this and that, 10/10 would ____ again", so it's nice to see these.

 

[Minnja]

I liked this one for Mount Your Friends:

...I just spent almost 2 hours in an online match with some random guy. Neither of us were trying to win the game (bridge builder). We were pretty much on par with one another skill-wise in the beginning. Suddenly he pulls a fancy move and teabags my character, grabbing his head and smacking his junk against his face. It was hysterical.
I did the same thing right back, attempting to ride his face 'Gangnam style.'

This went back and forth from a number of bizarre homo-erotic positions. The novelty just did not seem to wear off.
Thank you, random guy. Sorry I ended up failing in the end and ruining our teabag-fest.

Whether you're good at this game or terrible, it's guaranteed to bring numerous smirks and snickers if low-brow humour tickles your pickle.

 

[dabausplaya]

That bird one is great. I knew most of those words from The Big Year with Jack Black.

 

[seatea]

I liked this one for Mount Your Friends:

Some games just invite funny reviews. I could have saved dozens from Mount Your Friends.

 

[Minnja]

Some games just invite funny reviews. I could have saved dozens from Mount Your Friends.

I almost bought the 4-pack of that game. I knew me and my friends would only mount eachother for like 2 hours max so I didn't, but maybe next time it's on Steam sale I will

 

[Heikki Mustola]

Most of the ones I've seen seem to be the general "Did this and that, 10/10 would ____ again", so it's nice to see these.

Yeah, some of them were funny when I first saw them but now they are everywhere

But I like that last one from Mount and Blade. I also saw couple of games (might have been CSGO and Garrys Mod or something) that players had around 1000-3000 hours, one of reviews just said "somebody please send help", other was not recommending, saying "ruined my life"

 

[Lovestorm]

Cut down a 300ft tree with a knife. 10/10

- Planet Explorers

 

[tehdude]

Spoiler

Doesn't matter how rich you get,
how infamous you get,
how many masks you collect,
how many weapons you buy,
how many packages you retrieve,
how many mods you assemble,
how many bullets you shoot,
how many grenades you throw,
how many guns you have,
how many cameras you destroy,
how many bags of meth you cook,
how many contracts you buy,
how many windows you board up,
how many pagers you answer,
how many paintings you steal,
how many turret parts you snatch,
how many skill points you use,
how many locks you pick,
how many locks you drill,
how many jobs you do for,
how many jobs you pull off,
how many jobs you fail,
how many bags you throw,
how many people you intimidate,
how many people you tie up,
how many people you shoot,
how many people you kill,
how many paydays you have,
how many times you fall down,
how many times you bleed out,
how many times you get caught,
how many times you've escaped.




You will never ever have a drill that never jams.
10/10

A love story about 4 men and their inability to buy a drill that works properly.

Do you like stealing money and killing cops? no...? good, cause this game is mostly about fixing drills and throwing bags.

for Payday 2

 

[Striderxdj]

Not on my pc atm but from memory skyrim has some major lol worthy reviews.

edit: on the comp now, here is one gem:

You can pause in the middle of a battle and consume an ungodly amount of cheese wheels, making this game one of the best games ever to exist simply because of how many cheese wheels you can consume in the middle of a battle.

Can you imagine somebody just carrying all these &#9829;&#9829;&#9829;&#9829;&#9829;&#9829;&#9829; cheese wheels into battle? Bewilder friends and foe alike with your unholy cheese wheel obsession, you daring thing, you.

10/10, would play again for some more cheese wheels.

Also there are dragons and swords and magic and stuff whatever no big deal.

P.S. can someone make it so that a single cheese wheel only takes up 0.1 carrying capacity? no reason just that it would be super useful im asking for a friend ok thanks mate

 

[seatea]

Know Your Meme has a page on this.

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/steam-user-reviews

^I think I remember seeing that one for Counter Strike.

 

[seatea]

Its like SpeedBall with robots at a rave, But British so everyone waits their turn.

Frozen Cortez.

 

[GhostZ06]

lost at the manhunt one

 

[seatea]

*Plays an Arab country*
*Discovers Oil*

2 Turns later: "America has declared war on us!"



11/10 for historical Accuracy

For Civilization III.

 

[electricsheep81]

The Team Fortress 2 ones are some of the best reviews I've ever read on there.

But I'm just too lazy to look some up and post them here.

 

[seatea]

The Team Fortress 2 ones are some of the best reviews I've ever read on there.

But I'm just too lazy to look some up and post them here.

I was only 10 years old.
I loved TF2 so much, I had almost all the weapons I wanted.
I would leave my computer on for hours, Just to get a few drops.
Then I got my first hat, The gibus.
Suddenly everything changed.
I no longer cared about playing for fun, I only cared about the 'hats'
I "borrowed" my mommys credit card and bought more hats.
I had so many hats, I loved them all.
But then someone traded me, I accepted.
They offered an Unusual for all my hats.
It was so sexy looking, I put up all my hats and traded.
But no Unusual, He scammed me.
I lost it all.
I was so sad I cried for hours.
Later that night I prayed to Gaben for my hats back.
I went to bed after praying.
I felt warm.
I looked behind me, It was Gaben!
He said "This is Gabe Newell" and handed me a Burning Team Captain.
Then I woke up, I was wearing my Burning Team Captain and I was naked.
I saw Gabe leave through the window, he looked back at me and winked.
Hats are love. Hats are life

 

[Hyperglide]

lost at the manhunt one

Same, that was pretty spot on.

 

[seatea]

I was attacked in the middle of a stormy night by two mutants trying to steal my shopping cart loaded with supplies. After I brained one of them, the other scattered. I gave chase, and dispatched it following a cross-tile pursuit. However, upon return to my camp, my cart was gone. The mutant corpse, mysteriously absent as well. Using my tracking ability, I followed the thief several tiles down, and discovered it was another mutant, slowly pushing my cart southwest, his deceased comrade most unceremoniously stuffed inside with the rest of the contents. I moved in and caved its skull in with one fell swoop. I felt no pity, no remorse. I really needed those 5 empty bottles.

10/10 excellent post apocalyptic hobo simulator

For NEO Scavenger.