OKay let me start of my saying Star Wars is rather important to me. I watched the originals before I could even speak. They are myth to me, similar to religion. My moral compass is probably influenced by it substantially. I have been quite successful in life and I owe inspiration to those movies. So let's review this new piece of shit.
A good thing about the movie first. The CGI didn’t look TOO bad. Of course I prefer models, and I am a bit upset they didn’t use models more for the space scenes. Because of the CGI and JJ Abrams still a lot of it is a confusing mess, but it is nowhere near as bad as say AOTC. This is a positive.
Another positive is all the nerd references to the originals. Those are cool most of the time.
There are some aspects of the movie that I think relied too much on shitty CGI. The weird Asian women who runs the Canteena should have been a puppet or a human with make up. She looked extremely fake and George Lucasy ( in a bad way). The Supreme Leader Snoke looked like shit as well. I know he was a hologram but it didn’t look realistic at all. His overall design sucks as well. His name also sucks.Not at all sinister like ‘Vader” or “Palpatine”.
Let me talk about names a bit more. Why is the army that supports the Republic and Senate be called the “Resistance”? SHouldn't they be called the First Order since they are maintaining order in the galaxy whilst the bad guys are resisting control? Usually I would overlook this but because the rest of the movie is so bad I felt I had to point it out because this movie felt like getting kicked in the balls over and over. This was just one kick in the balls.
The new deathstar thing symbolises why the movie sucks quite well. First of all it is a Death Star ripoff. There is always a DS ripoff. Whether it be a second DS, the Droid Battleship or the Starforge thing in the games. I understand why they brought back a “super weapon”.
Secondly the thing isn't really introduced well at all. First we see it from outer space. We can tell it is probably a big cannon planet or something. Not suspenseful at all. The complete opposite of how the Death Star was introduced originally (Thats no moon). We then get told it is going to be fired. This isn't an epic scene like the firing of the Death Star with Tarkin and Leia. That was a legendary scene. This thing just shoots its lame canon and destroys 5 planets like it's nothing After a really cringe worthy speech.. We don't know what planets are destroyed (was it Coruscent?) and we don’t really care. In a New Hope Alderaan destruction was suspensful and a tragedy. We feel for Leia and we hate Tarkin for being a lying bastard. This was like “oh we have this cannon. Lets use it”. The good guys are like “shit that sucked, what if they use it on us? Oh wait they are, lets go blow it up”.
The plan to destroy it is laughable. First of all they only find out this thing exists after it destroys 5 planet, yet they can instantly bring up a map of it and compare it to the original Death Star. They then find out it's going to fire again and at them (which is funny since this thing has to eat a sun every time it shoots, which they make seem like the biggest walk in the park ever and not a big deal. Youd think such technology would be more awe inspiring to the characters?). After brainstorming for exactly 5 seconds Han, Leia and Fin think of a way to destroy it. That's how vulnerable this thing is.
The destruction of this new DS is dumb as well. First of all the party that has to land on it consists of 75 year old han, chewy and Fin. That's it. The fighters sent to blow it up are a couple X wings. No Y Wings, no Calamari Cruisers (despite Admiral Ackbar being present). I am not even sure how it is destroyed, but if you consider Luke's destruction of the death star a 10 (because of the suspense and amazing dialogue) then this is a 1. It is just horrible. it is so horrible I cannot describe it. There is no suspenseful trench scene with Luke trying to use the force (“Use the Force Luke!”), Vader on his tail (“The Force is strong in this one!”) and Han saving the day at the last second in a very suspenseful scene. This was just plain rubbish. Garbage. Not worthy of cinema. I believe the thing was destroyed by Chewy and a few grenades.
Han is predictably killed by his son Emo Ren (who is the worst villain ever by the way) but it was so predictable and unemotional it didn't even feel bad. It was actually welcoming because you just wanted the movie to ooze some emotion. Before that it's literally Ford carrying the rest of the cast because of his wit and humour. The other characters are dry and boring. Ford’s dialogue is full of one liners and is kinda cheesy, especially his interaction with Leia. It was just like “lol we broke up because our son became evil, but we didn't hate each other that much”. When he dies Leia doesn't even seem to rattled. Chewy goes into a short rage but seems to have recovered when they get back to the base, not even consoling Leia but walking right past her.
I think the movie was paced horribly. There are too many locations just for the sake of it (they travel to a jungle planet to visit one canteena just so they could have a green planet). No decent memorable lines other than the ones in the trailer.
Emo Ren is the complete opposite of Vader. At the start I was hoping he was cool but he loses his lightsaber fight to a girl who had her force powers ‘awoken’ a few hours earlier. He is luckily saved when the stupid DS planet starts falling apart and separates his unconscious body with the newly overpowered Rey girl (who has to either be Lukes daughter or Emo’s Sister). They try to make Emo Ren deep and 3 dimensional by making him at one point ask Vader for strength because he ‘feels the light’ inside of him. Making someone say they are conflicted does not mean the character has depth or is interesting! Also he is HIDEOUSLY ugly. How did Han spawn such a creature? Also why did he keep punching himself were Chewy shot him?
Minor characters sucked. The General who commands the bad guy armies is like a 28 year old wimp. He is NO Tarkin. Not even comparable. I think they made him purposely suck but he was a filler character at best. Sadly he survives for the next movie. The GOT girl who plays the silver stormtrooper is set up to be some badass but is likely killed offscreen and is no threat to anyone at any point. Useless filler character (wouldn't be surprised if she returns actually). The Grand Leader Snoke or whatever is a weird hologram. Not sure what to think of him just yet, he seems to be a Sith of some description.
If they wanted to really make the movie good the stupid DS should have destroyed the planet with Leia, C3PO and Akcbar on it, and then Han, Chewy and the boring twins could go and find Luke, who is their ‘only hope’. THAT would have been decent. This was a movie for dumb people.
Overall the movie lacked soul and memorable moments. Idiots who cannot think will like the lightsabre battle. That is who this movie appeals to. I know this sounds fucked up, but in many ways I prefer The Phantom Menace, which was paced better and had some decent scenes (like with Darth Maul. BTW the death of Qui Gon was a lot more intense and emotional than Han, despite Han being everyone's favourite childhood hero).
