From the intro of this movie, you'd never get the idea that it's going to be crazy. Then again, the intro to Commando was a giant man working around the house and playing with his daughter and pondering the finer things in life like why Boy George wasn't named "Girl George". Don't judge a book by its cover, two "American-style" guys riding on a motorcycle together through a city. I won't lie that I had a few flashbacks to Brokeback Mountain and even one to Butch Cassidy when I saw them riding together peacefully like that with no helmets on looking around at the scenery. And then we see a guy dressed as Santa, and someone dies. Right on.
When those bad guys dragged the woman behind their bike and presumably killed her, they were after her purse, but she still appears to have had it when she was dead. So, it's just one of those Death Wish-style robberies gone bloody?
Ok, someone else who is more in tune with motorcycles can help me out with this one, is it ever more efficient or faster to pull a wheelie for a long time, or does it just look cool? I've only ridden a motorcycle by myself a handful of times, and it wasn't mine so I wasn't going to try to do some stupid stuff with it. Also, it sounds and looks like the bike that the blonde cop picks up to chase everyone with is a dirtbike, hardly something that would go very fast, especially against street bikes, and yet he's not far away from anyone at any given time.
At this point in the story, we don't know they're cops, unless there was some insignia I missed.
I like how in the scene with the blind man and his service dog, you saw him stand perfectly still with his cane at his side, but then as soon as the heroes (I guess, we still don't know, we just know they're chasing killers) pass him on either side, his cane is out and he's tapping it around again. How did he not hear his dog get hit, too, it screeched. Sure he's blind, but don't the other four senses improve when you lose one?
So, uh, the character who I guess we'll learn is a cop just broke that guy's neck, so we know he's not messing around. We also find that the two buddies are into the female cop and want to not quite double team her, so they're masculine and whatever stereotype they're trying to go after. It's like they had a check box of what they think guys wanted to see in a film and just crossed them off (instead of checking them) one by one.
That villain that stabbed the tires with a screwdriver must be super effective, because the tires were both completely flat before he even pulled away despite each only having a small hole for a flathead screwdriver. Low budget ahoy!
We finally get the names at the 15 minute mark, only we don't know which one is which, and the third guy isn't even one of the main duo. Rick, Fred and Tony, one of them might not even matter much longer.
The banter between the guys (the dark haired one is named Fred, we learn) and the female cop is the kind of stuff that if this game out today, the director would be tied to a wicker chair, someone would cut the bottom out, and take a whack at him a-la Casino Royale.
Oh there it is, like I said, the "third guy" is dead already, so now we need to figure out if it's Tony or Rick, because Fred's the dashing brunette. I have the feeling learning the names of these characters may be more fun than the paint by numbers storyline. I'm guessing...Rick is the blonde, and Tony is the one that just died. Flipped a coin.
I love fight scenes with strike impact sounds that don't match the blows landed. A chop just made a thud sound, and a punch-ish thing made the whack sound, not quite like Bruce Lee's strikes but almost. Very exaggerated but amusing.
Our heroes are pouring gasoline on to cars, but only on their windshields. How is that going to blow anything up? Maybe they'll hope it drips down into the engine and then something blows up. But instead, we have two perfect torches, I mean the kind Indy would find in a cave when hunting for the lost treasure of Uomini Se Nasce. Also, the little bit of gas poured on the cars works incredibly well, but you can't help but see the background of someone throwing liquids at the cars to make them blow up more? I'm not sure what they were throwing on to them, especially from such a close distance. Throwing gas on a lit flame would risk them blowing themselves up.
So, our heroes, who I will further refer to as Blondie and Dagwood, live together, sleep in the same room together and can throw pillows at each other, and Blondie has a silver skull on his nightstand? How metal.
I see that Blondie sleeps with the shirt on and Dagwood without, so they're a perfect fit even that way. Dagwood has a bunch of bowling trophies on his desk, and they also have a bird. You just can't make this up. Also, they make a joke to their housekeeper Rosa about banging her niece when she was sick for a little while, they're two wild and crazy guys.
So Blondie and Dagwood arrive to the scene of the hostage situation (we find out her name is Mona pretty fast, a lot faster than the main characters). They immediately imply that saving the hostage isn't that big of a deal and that they can use her as an advantage because she'll be dead if they let the bad guys go. I get this feeling that they're going to go all Lethal Weapon and storm in like a bunch of badasses. I'm expecting a lot of recklessness because they said that they didn't want other people to get hurt by these villains. Where are the snipers? Why do they need a chopper, you can hear that from a mile away. They just get a couple of good shots and it's all over. I guess using it as a diversion allows the Dagwood to crash through the door with the motorcycle is ok, but how does he get the drop on all three of them like that?
The way the two of them executed the bad guys was intense. I mean the second guy that they took out after he surrendered was something, but they shot the third one so he actually went down, and stood back up only to get shot again. And then a minute later, keeping the violence flowing in the next scene a guy gets stomped and then his eyeball ripped out. But that's nothing compared to the purple sunglasses the guy in the next scene was wearing. I want some, but I'd look stupid with them on.
I don't know why I laughed when the police captain tried to order a draft beer on the phone, and then was upset that they didn't serve beer with their ham sandwiches. It was just one of those strange moments I can't not love.
Blonde and Dagwood just sniped a bunch of dudes at long range with suppressed pistols. No way would they have hit them at that range with those attachments. I know that they're good, but they're not *that* good. Also, cops just shooting future criminals in broad daylight in a crowd of people isn't wise, even if they're the best shots on earth. I don't know if those guys had done anything worth killing yet.
So Blondie and the maid or crime boss's wife or whatever she is are in the kitchen looking at whatever, and Dagwood is taking her for a wizard on his id. Right in the middle of an investigation, where they appear to have executed a warrant and everything. And then they switch and Blonde takes over, about a half hour after saying they would never do that. At this point in the movie, it's pretty clear that both guys have VD, and it's entirely possible one may have given it to the other by going after sharing mutual female interests. Also, according to the internet, that girl (Nina?) and the one at the police station are sisters in real life.
Why did Dagwood say "I wanna know how you whistle" right before he kicked him in the groin? Is that an Italian expression that just got lost in translation? Is it referring to "blowing the whistle" on their boss? Although, Dagwood has a real affinity to going after men's privates, as he just went in there with both hands like it was nothing.
So, when practicing their marksmanship, they shoot at each other while rolling around and hitting cans over each of their heads. These guys are olympic-level, James Bond-type shooters. Also, don't know how either of them didn't run out of ammo after shooting that much because one is holding a six-shot revolver and somehow shot about 30 times at least. We never see them reload, ever, do we? That's a John Woo kind of ammo clip there. And Blondie picks off a guy way, way up on a hilltop with his pistol, without even really aiming. Just blam dead. Perfect every time, and no villain can ever come close to hitting them, even when aiming for a couple seconds. And then a guy gets "shot" through the head and there's a little piece of red playdoh on his forehead, and even though he's supposed to be all sorts of dead he instinctively braces himself as he rolls down the hill, to his ultradeath. Love it.
So oddly enough, nothing happened after that besides the guy with one eye coming back and them messing with him, and making them work for him. One of them (I already forgot which one) gave him the money he owed the crime boss so they could go with him to the lair, and then take him down. Ol one-eye did right and they found him, and then...the captain appeared out of nowhere, shot the bad guys in a completely anticlimactic final battle. Luckily, they can still blow something up at the end, and they will do just that. The two men each put one hand on the plunger and boom goes the dynamite. Fin.
Well that was really something. It was ludicrous and entertaining and just the kind of senseless violence and recklessness we need to get through the day. 7/10, surprisingly, because all of the terrible parts were very amusing to me.
