At one point in my life years ago I no longer cared to live. But I decided that the concept of suicide was illogical. I deliberated over it for months before coming to that conclusion. My personal logic has always been my higher power, it is the ultimate authority in my life, it is my "god" which I worship and obey. The question of the morality of suicide was irrelevant, I just couldn't find the logic in ending my life when my will to live was so nonexistent that I literally had nothing left to fear or avoid in life. I did not care what anyone thought of me, I did not care if I was in physical pain, and I was incapable of feeling emotional pain at that point. Suicide is the act of running away from life, I had nothing to run from because I genuinely did not care what happened to me. So I figured "Well I'll just exist here then, and whatever happens, happens. For all I know I might one day want to live again but suicide would needlessly prevent that from ever possibly happening. Or perhaps maybe one day there will be a purposeful reason to die." I basically had nothing left to lose by living, so I didn't stop living. What would be the point in that
“Killing myself was a matter of such indifference to me that I felt like waiting for a moment when it would make some difference.”
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
