- Joined
- Sep 26, 2016
- Messages
- 21,067
- Reaction score
- 19,013
After a brief comeback M. Night Shyamalan is certain to kill any momentum he had with brand new stinker "Old". A terminally sick mother of two decides to go on vacation with her husband and son and daughter to a tropical island. Once there they are greeted by the shadiest man alive who tells them they are invited to a special island with a private beach. The family agrees because if they didn't it wouldn't be much of a movie would it? First foreshadowing event is a black female has a seizure.
We get a bit of foreshadowing as an unknown female character in the dark of night strips naked and walks into the water. Oh kay.
Back on the island the family of five board a bus driven by our own fearless shitbag leader M Night. He has sort of a major role as a dumbass henchmen. Another family gets on board, they are an adult male age 50, adult woman 30-40, and old ass lady age 75, and a 9 year old daughter. M. Night drops them off at the beach and acts cagey about helping them with their stuff. He also packs them a ton of food which they are all like, "Why do we need this much food." M. Night is all like, "You have growing kids."
The island is beautiful and if there is one thing positive I can say about the movie is that it is filmed very well, there are some very nice shots. We get introduced to a new character, a rapper named, wait for it.... Mid Size Sedan. I not kidding that is his name. Soon a body washes up on shore and wouldn't ya know it is that nude chick from the beginning.
Mid Size says she was his friend and then the middle aged guy pulls a knife and gets all crazy on him. They separate Mid Size from the middle aged dude and then we meet more new characters. An Asian nurse name Jarin lol and the black chick who had a seizure at the beginning. They see the dead body and are all like, "We need to leave this bitch," but when they try and leave they black out and wind up back on the beach.
Soon after they find the dead nude chick the old hag croaks and the middle aged dude who is her son freaks out again and acts all crazy. Also the mother of the two kids passes out and they have to remove a watermelon size tumor from her gut. At the same time M Night is teasing the transformation of the kids from 9 year olds to teenagers. He really builds it up, once he finally shows the kids aged it really is a disappointment because all he did was hire new actors. What the fuck is so special about that?
I forgot to mention Middle Age rage dude is a doctor who first picks up on the people aging. Jarin the nurse is also very helpful and figures they age two years every hour. There is no way off and they start doing stupid shit. Mid Size goes to take a peak at his corpse girlfriend and screams when he finds her as all bones. Middle Age Rage Doctor then stabs him to death.
MARD (Middle Age Rage Doctor) then gets separated from the group and his wife also runs away leaving her 9 year old daughter alone with a 9 year old boy both in teenage bodies. So we know what happens here, the two 9 year olds bang and the girl is pregnant straight away. They deliver the baby and as soon as they wrap it up, the baby dies.
Jarin suicides out by drowning. The girl who lost her baby suicides out by jumping off a cliff. The father of the dead baby points out a camera crew on the cliff to his sister but they never bring it up to anyone. MARDS wife goes crazy and turns into castle freak, literally dying from 100s of fractures.
So we have the family from the start left as well as MARD. Mard attacks the husband of the family who is now old as shit and blind, the mother grabs a rusty fork and stabs mard killing him through infection. The night comes and the parents die and the only two people left are the brother and sister. The brother remembers a riddle and pulls an escape out of his ass. They decide to swim out through the reef.
M Night is standing on a cliff looking at the water talking on his phone. He says, "That takes care of them. Thought they were gonna make it but they are 100% dead." He hangs up and rushes out for burgers. The kids survived and made it out but they are in their 50s now.
Turns out a evil science lab take people with terminal diseases and gives them trial drugs on an island with sped up time so they can get the results sooner.
Movie sucked 2 thumbs down 1/5.
We get a bit of foreshadowing as an unknown female character in the dark of night strips naked and walks into the water. Oh kay.
Back on the island the family of five board a bus driven by our own fearless shitbag leader M Night. He has sort of a major role as a dumbass henchmen. Another family gets on board, they are an adult male age 50, adult woman 30-40, and old ass lady age 75, and a 9 year old daughter. M. Night drops them off at the beach and acts cagey about helping them with their stuff. He also packs them a ton of food which they are all like, "Why do we need this much food." M. Night is all like, "You have growing kids."
The island is beautiful and if there is one thing positive I can say about the movie is that it is filmed very well, there are some very nice shots. We get introduced to a new character, a rapper named, wait for it.... Mid Size Sedan. I not kidding that is his name. Soon a body washes up on shore and wouldn't ya know it is that nude chick from the beginning.
Mid Size says she was his friend and then the middle aged guy pulls a knife and gets all crazy on him. They separate Mid Size from the middle aged dude and then we meet more new characters. An Asian nurse name Jarin lol and the black chick who had a seizure at the beginning. They see the dead body and are all like, "We need to leave this bitch," but when they try and leave they black out and wind up back on the beach.
Soon after they find the dead nude chick the old hag croaks and the middle aged dude who is her son freaks out again and acts all crazy. Also the mother of the two kids passes out and they have to remove a watermelon size tumor from her gut. At the same time M Night is teasing the transformation of the kids from 9 year olds to teenagers. He really builds it up, once he finally shows the kids aged it really is a disappointment because all he did was hire new actors. What the fuck is so special about that?
I forgot to mention Middle Age rage dude is a doctor who first picks up on the people aging. Jarin the nurse is also very helpful and figures they age two years every hour. There is no way off and they start doing stupid shit. Mid Size goes to take a peak at his corpse girlfriend and screams when he finds her as all bones. Middle Age Rage Doctor then stabs him to death.
MARD (Middle Age Rage Doctor) then gets separated from the group and his wife also runs away leaving her 9 year old daughter alone with a 9 year old boy both in teenage bodies. So we know what happens here, the two 9 year olds bang and the girl is pregnant straight away. They deliver the baby and as soon as they wrap it up, the baby dies.
Jarin suicides out by drowning. The girl who lost her baby suicides out by jumping off a cliff. The father of the dead baby points out a camera crew on the cliff to his sister but they never bring it up to anyone. MARDS wife goes crazy and turns into castle freak, literally dying from 100s of fractures.
So we have the family from the start left as well as MARD. Mard attacks the husband of the family who is now old as shit and blind, the mother grabs a rusty fork and stabs mard killing him through infection. The night comes and the parents die and the only two people left are the brother and sister. The brother remembers a riddle and pulls an escape out of his ass. They decide to swim out through the reef.
M Night is standing on a cliff looking at the water talking on his phone. He says, "That takes care of them. Thought they were gonna make it but they are 100% dead." He hangs up and rushes out for burgers. The kids survived and made it out but they are in their 50s now.
Turns out a evil science lab take people with terminal diseases and gives them trial drugs on an island with sped up time so they can get the results sooner.
Movie sucked 2 thumbs down 1/5.
