Relationships Need advice from divorced fellow sherbros

[Canned Tuna]

I don't want to frame you in a bad light, but can you go into more detail about the battered women's shelter process of verifying a "victim's" claims? Do you think your situation was marriage fraud?

Yeah, it looks bad for someone to end up in a shelter and I'm sure you felt blindsided to find out that she was staying in a shelter while in court, but how does the shelter know that these victims are telling the truth?

If the people at the shelter just go along with what they say, that is like the ultimate checkmate move in divorce proceedings.

You seemed to be pretty candid with your responses, but can you be as concise as possible, and perhaps share some things to look out for and how to protect ourselves?

This is something that others need to know.

Those shelters don't verify claims. A lot of their operation is based on victim anonymity.

Things are gradually getting better for men in divorce courts, but in the past it has often been as simple as "Women are victims. We believe them and they get the kids."

 

[Dr brakestick]

Think if your son was in this position what would you advise him. Also if your wife is a shit mum keep a diary of all the shit things she does. Always compromise when you can and if you can't don't. You are an example to your kids of what relationships are supposed to be like. I left my ex and didn't bite on any of her name calling petty bullshit. I have my son 50/50. I am so much happier with out the ex and my lad can see you don't have to be treated like shit by a woman. Good luck man and you've gotta be strong.

 

[Protectandserve]

Family court sucks. Be sure to lawyer up and be ready to spend a shit load of money on attorneys fees.

Get a custody order and abide by it, dont just go on the "we are friendly and cooperative " when it comes to it.

 

[Canned Tuna]

Do you have any data to back that up? You hear this all the time, but I've never seen anything came close to suggesting this be true. I suspect it's just a saying that became popular due to parents trying to relieve their own guilt.

Divorce is right up there with direct physical/sexual abuse when it comes to impact on a child. So unless the marriage is THAT bad, you are not doing the kids a favor by getting divorced.

@migeru29,
With all due respect, do not ask for help on such an important decision in your life on a kung flu forum, let alone its sub-forum for subs and bottoms, aka the Berry. We're all couch psychology/therapy pros here, at least I am, still do not ask us.

There are too many unknown significant variables to potentially fuck it up badly by giving some wrong advice.

Go to a real therapist/family therapist, invest in your own and your fam's well-being. It's worth it. It fucking is. Especially, when you have young ones. Take it from a middle-aged, divorced fungi, who's a psychologist on the side.

Divorce is a huge step, economically, socially, psychologically, logistically, etc. And it is a HUGE fucking TRAUMA for the kids!

Imagine your daughter's trust in men being shattered since toddler age... Daddy issues, self-destructive behaviour patterns, etc., are very probable consequences of your and your wife's mess. Do I need to continue? And there's a boy you say?

Go to a family therapist. A real one. It's worth it.

I didn't weigh in on whether or not you should get divorced in my initial response to the thread because:
1. You didn't ask for it
2. I don't know all if the important information about your family life
3. It isn't my decision

That being said, I fully agree with the above two posters. Save your marriage if you can. Divorce can be extremely traumatic. People who talk about being happier and healthier and splitting time 50/50 with their ex are the exception, not the rule. Like I said, my parents divorced when I was 5. It was definitely traumatic for me. It gave me permanent trust issues. I lost out on a lot of time with my father and unjustly resented him for years. It left me with a deepseated misogynist outlook that I didn't begin to shake free of until my own daughter was 2 and I was able to start developing a better understanding of the feminine psyche.

It is my opinion that marriage is a promise and a duty and once you've brought children into it there aren't many acceptable reasons to end it before they're adults. I absolutely despise this society's perception of marriage that seems to be entirely based on romantic comedies. Once the spark is gone, fuck it. Might as well not even try to fix this one, when I can just try again with a new person next year.

/Endrant

 

[MaxMMA]

Do you have any data to back that up? You hear this all the time, but I've never seen anything came close to suggesting this be true. I suspect it's just a saying that became popular due to parents trying to relieve their own guilt.

Divorce is right up there with direct physical/sexual abuse when it comes to impact on a child. So unless the marriage is THAT bad, you are not doing the kids a favor by getting divorced.

No I don't have any data showing the impact on kids when parents are "making it work for the kids."

Sure two people can be civil and live in the same home even if they don't care for each other romantically. However reasoning dictates that eventually one or both parents will meet another partner.

Better to make a clean cut. If you really want to be in your kids life, they will have a father. Legally the woman cannot keep you from your children.

I don't think the impact of divorce is the same as the impact of an absent father. And no I don't have any data to back that up, that's just my assumption.

 

[Batjester]

Divorce fucking sucks and is painful as shit. That said, it was the best thing that happened for me.

 

[migeru29]

Similar story here and I was miserable last few year of my marriage. I stayed for the kids as I love all the dad stuff but eventually I filed for divorce and had 50% custody. My kids were 2nd and 4th grades at the time. I won't lie, being a part time dad was by far the biggest adjustment of my life and it took me a few years. I did love having the kids around without the wife there! It was awesome to have a more relaxed atmosphere.

Here is an important tip I give any one getting a divorce with kids: Take up coaching youth sports. Not only was it one of the rue boys of my adult life but it is a great way to get extra time with my kids. I always set up some of the practices for my ex wife's custody days so even if it wasn't my day I still got some time with them. Also games are generally on weekends so during the season you can see your kids every weekend. I coached soccer in the fall, basketball in winter and summer and futsal in between. I coached bothy kids teams for as long as they wanted to play.

Picnic's were are thing also, on a sunny weekend I'd pack a nice lunch and we would he'd out in the car and find a place by the river or at the beach to spend the day goofing off. My kids still love doing this with me and now they are older and do it with their friends at college and stuff.

I spent as much time with my kids as I could. Probably hurt me a little professionally but I think it is worth it. I figured that when I'm even older and reflecting back on my life I will never say: Jeez I wish I spent more time working and less with my kids. You will always be thankful for the time you spend with them.

Good luck man, divorce is hardAF.

Hey man I greatly appreciate taking the time to write this. My posted this because I knew there was at least one sherbro here with that kind of experience. The part that I don't get is that you mention that this change hurt you a little bit professionally? In which aspect and why? I feel that this marriage and busy life is actually what is hurting me professionally, after a divorce my professional life should be piece of cake in contrast to now.

 

[migeru29]

So you’re living out of alignment with yourself as well. Very tough.

How do you feel about yourself and how are you treating yourself?

Not even thinking about myself... I'm like a f* robot at this point.

 

[migeru29]

Did you not vow till death do you part?

oh come on man.

 

[MMAGA]

oh come on man.

Answer the question!

Sickness and in Health? For better, for worse?

 

[migeru29]

Sherbro, if you're going to go through with your divorce, prepare yourself the best you can, mentally, financially and even spiritually. Because there will be times when a lot of bad things and ideas go through your head. I've divorced my wife when my son was 6. Ended up jobless, homeless and almost homicidal/suicidal for months. My now ex used every dirty tactic you could conceive to hurt me in any way she could have. When you initiate the divorce, your female turns into a soulless demon. The first year was an absolute hell.

Me and my son are very close, so even at a very young age, she couldn't prevent him from spending time with me. A year after we separated, she stopped trying to. My kid is 11 now, doing great in school, a good kid and I'm proud to have him. Spending almost everyday together. He surely had his heart broken when my marriage collapsed. But he understands now. He's old enough to realize why it had to be the way it is.

If you're really having 3 years of bad marriage behind you, your relationship may be beyond repair. It's up to you. I honestly believe my life would've become unbearable if I had stayed with my wife. Probably my kid's life also. Maybe some uppercuts would be thrown, maybe something even worse. After going through the very hard first year after my divorce, I've never looked back. It was worth it. In any case, I hope you make the right decisions for you and your family. Good luck.

Thanks for taking the time. I'm glad to hear that your son is doing well. Good for you man, congrats.

 

[SuperHoss]

Treat it like a business relationship gone bad. Fight like hell for your kids. 50/50 shared custody is gaining a ton of momentum. Don't give opinions about your wife. Give facts to describe bad behavior when necessary. Don't get baited into conflict with the ex. Always be talking about what is best for kids.

Good luck and stay strong!

 

[El_Dyablo619]

Are you the one leaving?
first off, start saving for an ipad

 

[SuperHoss]

Answer the question!

Sickness and in Health? For better, for worse?

Just curious..Are you going to hell? Have you always honored your mother and father? Ever coveted your neighbor's wife? Your neighbor's goods? Not honestly represented someone in a conversation?

Yes or no will suffice. The rules are black and white, so elaboration is unnecessary.

 

[migeru29]

Depends on what state you are in and if there is a police report and shit like that. In California the laws are pretty cut and dry as to how stuff and custody is set. Have a plan when you file, try to strike first. I filed for 85% custody knowing I could not get a judge to agree to that. This way my ex didn't push for more than 50%. Have a game plan when shit happens.

Thanks, that's a good "reserve psychology" strategy. I live in California.

 

[migeru29]

@migeru29,
With all due respect, do not ask for help on such an important decision in your life on a kung flu forum, let alone its sub-forum for subs and bottoms, aka the Berry. We're all couch psychology/therapy pros here, at least I am, still do not ask us.

There are too many unknown significant variables to potentially fuck it up badly by giving some wrong advice.

Go to a real therapist/family therapist, invest in your own and your fam's well-being. It's worth it. It fucking is. Especially, when you have young ones. Take it from a middle-aged, divorced fungi, who's a psychologist on the side.

Divorce is a huge step, economically, socially, psychologically, logistically, etc. And it is a HUGE fucking TRAUMA for the kids!

Imagine your daughter's trust in men being shattered since toddler age... Daddy issues, self-destructive behaviour patterns, etc., are very probable consequences of your and your wife's mess. Do I need to continue? And there's a boy you say?

Go to a family therapist. A real one. It's worth it.

Thanks. Yeah I understand this is not a place to look for advice I'm not that naive but I you never know sometimes you can get good advice from really anybody, I don't like to underestimate people.

 

[migeru29]

Thanks for the client referral guys. However, I’m not sure the TS is looking for legal advice atm. Also, I consider myself somewhat of a “retired divorce lawyer” as back at the start of June last year I moved to a different law firm that only practices employment law, so all I really do anymore is wrongful dismissal law suits. So if you know anyone out of work, send them my way.

Anyway, @migeru29 if you actually do have any legal questions I’d be happy to give you some broad strokes of legal information (within reason) on a pro bono basis from one Sherbro to another.

Thank you. I'm in California, where are you located?

 

[migeru29]

Are you serious? The courts are 100% biased in favor of women. They take their word as gospel. They let women lie so they can destroy fathers.

If a man wants a divorce he must get a lawyer and BLINDSIDE her. It's the only way to stand a chance.

Also, never leave the home! Leaving means you gave up the kids.

This is exactly how I feel and I hate the fact the I feel this way. If I leave I will really feel like that I gave up the kids. But there are a lot of opposite views as well which make sense, at this point I don't know, I might be wrong on this view and hopefully I am.

 

[migeru29]

I'm not divorced (still happily married thankfully), but my parents divorced when I was 5 (about the same age as your kids) so my story might have some value.

My mother did the same thing to my father that @Robocok 's ex did to him. She told everyone that he hit her. Combine that lie with the truth that he had a criminal record with assault charges and it was easy for my mom to steamroll him in court. She wound up with sole custody and my time with my dad became very irregular entirely dependent on her whims.

I was completely devastated by the divorce for a few years. At some point along the way (maybe around 8 years old) I asked why they split up for the millionth time. She told me that he hit her. I harbored a lot of resentment for him for a few years after that.

Over time I saw that my dad is an honest person with a profound sense of honor, even if he is a bit of an asshole. I also saw that my mom is a habitual liar and manipulator. When I was around 11 or 12 I finally got the courage to ask my dad why he hit my mom. He said that he didn't. When I got home from that visit I confronted her about it. She admitted that she lied. For at least five years after that I hated her so intensely that I can't even describe it.

I began constantly asking to move in with my dad and being an all-around terrible child in her house until she finally let me go live with my dad when I was 14.

I have two younger sisters who share both my parents. Today, I'm very close to my dad and see my mom every couple months. I am civil and bring over her grandkids, but I still don't like her or trust her. My sisters are both much closer to my mom than I am, but they both know she is a shitty person and they both see my dad all of the time.

The biggest advice I can give you is to make sure that your kids always know you love them and to try to see them as much as you can. If you consistently are there for them and are generally a good person, they will see it. If you cancel visits or aren't making an effort, they will see it. They will also see the truth about your spouse over time.

Sorry for the long-winded post. Divorce is just a really big deal to me.

Good luck and don't give up.

wow, what a story, that was intense. Thanks for sharing. The most amazing thing is how you can clearly remember since that young age, so at just 5 years old it did have an effect on you.

 

[migeru29]

Think if your son was in this position what would you advise him. Also if your wife is a shit mum keep a diary of all the shit things she does. Always compromise when you can and if you can't don't. You are an example to your kids of what relationships are supposed to be like. I left my ex and didn't bite on any of her name calling petty bullshit. I have my son 50/50. I am so much happier with out the ex and my lad can see you don't have to be treated like shit by a woman. Good luck man and you've gotta be strong.

Thanks for sharing, I'm glad you got 50/50. The name calling does not effect me, actually I feel sorry for her, what does literally "kill" me is when she does it in front of my kids.