Relationships Need advice from divorced fellow sherbros

[Rob Battisti]

So you’re living out of alignment with yourself as well. Very tough.

How do you feel about yourself and how are you treating yourself?

 

[Jake the Muss]

Are you serious? The courts are 100% biased in favor of women. They take their word as gospel. They let women lie so they can destroy fathers.

If a man wants a divorce he must get a lawyer and BLINDSIDE her. It's the only way to stand a chance.

Also, never leave the home! Leaving means you gave up the kids.

I have no doubt that the courts are biased. I have already given a reason as to why that is in another thread.

However, if a woman says she was raped, abused, assaulted, etc., by her husband, does the court just go along with her account just because she is a woman?

There has to be something more than taking a person's word as gospel or else men would really be f'd.

 

[aerius]

The answer is a wood chipper.
The question is who do you feed through it, your wife, yourself, or your kids.

 

[Spounman]

Even better if you have kids.
I've in my marriage 100% for my kids (6 year old son and 4 year old daughter), I never imagine that this could be that fucking hard to just leave my kids just like that. I've living hell for the last 3 years, had to control myself almost on a daily basis to not discuss when my kids are around, but sometimes is nearly impossible and I know this is not healthy for them. I also don't feel at 100% and cannot even be myself when I'm at home, ironically my kids don't really know who his father is when I'm myself and happy camper.

Well I guess you get me by now I'm thinking about the divorce option, but still kills me the unknown of the well being of my kids. How hard was this process for you? How long it took you to deal with it ? Are your kids worse or better now? What were the biggest disadvantages (other than child support) and what were the biggest advantage?

Thanks

Can't see it now but things will be much better for you once you get your life back. You'll get the kids half the time right? When I left my ex, I got my own apartment and the first couple months weren't easy but then things were never better.

 

[fungi]

Thanks for the client referral guys. However, I’m not sure the TS is looking for legal advice atm. Also, I consider myself somewhat of a “retired divorce lawyer” as back at the start of June last year I moved to a different law firm that only practices family law, so all I really do anymore is wrongful dismissal law suits. So if you know anyone out of work, send them my way.

Anyway, @migeru29 if you actually do have any legal questions I’d be happy to give you some broad strokes of legal information (within reason) on a pro bono basis from one Sherbro to another.

@migeru29,
listen to worm's advice at your own peril.
Buyer beware!!!

Certainly, legal advice as a sherdong perk sounds very appealing, even attractive, downright sexy, butt...

That dude got almost divorced hisself because of a kindergarten playdate. True story.

"Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes!"
In other words, "Be wary of Greek-love aficionados bear*ing free drinks"...

* - "bears", a sub-culture within the Berry sub-forum of burly, beardie men, wearing leather, latex, and lipstick. Supposedly, "woolly bears" love to play dress-up (for ex., as a worm), and are infamous for mikeying drinks.

Spoiler: The Worm bio

I kid, I kid.

I don't really know him. Per-se-nally.

Everything posted above is fiction, or is it?
It can't be used as a reliable source of information in any court of law, common or maritime.

He does seem like an ok worm tho. A chill one.

Piece!

 

[MMAGA]

Even better if you have kids.
I've in my marriage 100% for my kids (6 year old son and 4 year old daughter), I never imagine that this could be that fucking hard to just leave my kids just like that. I've living hell for the last 3 years, had to control myself almost on a daily basis to not discuss when my kids are around, but sometimes is nearly impossible and I know this is not healthy for them. I also don't feel at 100% and cannot even be myself when I'm at home, ironically my kids don't really know who his father is when I'm myself and happy camper.

Well I guess you get me by now I'm thinking about the divorce option, but still kills me the unknown of the well being of my kids. How hard was this process for you? How long it took you to deal with it ? Are your kids worse or better now? What were the biggest disadvantages (other than child support) and what were the biggest advantage?

Thanks

Did you not vow till death do you part?

 

[bad mojo]

Sherbro, if you're going to go through with your divorce, prepare yourself the best you can, mentally, financially and even spiritually. Because there will be times when a lot of bad things and ideas go through your head. I've divorced my wife when my son was 6. Ended up jobless, homeless and almost homicidal/suicidal for months. My now ex used every dirty tactic you could conceive to hurt me in any way she could have. When you initiate the divorce, your female turns into a soulless demon. The first year was an absolute hell.

Me and my son are very close, so even at a very young age, she couldn't prevent him from spending time with me. A year after we separated, she stopped trying to. My kid is 11 now, doing great in school, a good kid and I'm proud to have him. Spending almost everyday together. He surely had his heart broken when my marriage collapsed. But he understands now. He's old enough to realize why it had to be the way it is.

If you're really having 3 years of bad marriage behind you, your relationship may be beyond repair. It's up to you. I honestly believe my life would've become unbearable if I had stayed with my wife. Probably my kid's life also. Maybe some uppercuts would be thrown, maybe something even worse. After going through the very hard first year after my divorce, I've never looked back. It was worth it. In any case, I hope you make the right decisions for you and your family. Good luck.

 

[Law Talkin’ Guy]

@migeru29,
listen to worm's advice at your own peril.
Buyer beware!!!

Certainly, legal advice as a sherdong perk sounds very appealing, even attractive, downright sexy, butt...

That dude got almost divorced hisself because of a kindergarten playdate. True story.

"Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes!"
In other words, "Be wary of Greek-love aficionados bear*ing free drinks"...

* - "bears", a sub-culture within the Berry sub-forum of burly, beardie men, wearing leather, latex, and lipstick. Supposedly, "woolly bears" love to play dress-up (for ex., as a worm), and are infamous for mikeying drinks.

Spoiler: The Worm bio

I kid, I kid.

I don't really know him. Per-se-nally.

Everything posted above is fiction, or so it?
It can't be used as a reliable source of information in any court of law, common or maritime.

He does seem like an ok worm tho. A chill one.

Piece!

I was offering him legal advice, not marriage advice. Ffs.

 

[fungi]

I was offering him legal advice, not marriage advice. Ffs.

Have you offered him any "drinks" yet?


P.s.

 

[Robocok]

Can you elaborate on this? Did she accuse you of emotional, verbal, and/or psychological abuse? Did she have textual proof or witnesses? If no, how does the court accept what she said with no proof?

All of the above. She's from the Philippines and did it as a pathway to citizenship. She admitted to me and my family that her mother and sister had wanted her to do it sooner to expedite the process and she didn't want to do it initially because she said she loved me.

I was the one who initially wanted the divorce. I naively thought that even though we were going to separate, my relationship with my son would be unaffected and that we would share time with him.

In order to help corroborate her claims of emotional, physical, and mental abuse she went to a battered women's shelter with our son for 4 months. I had no idea where she or my son were for 4 months and that was the hardest time of my life, not knowing if I would get to see him again.

So I filed in court saying that she had kidnapped him. When we arrived, she said that she hid at the women's shelter because she was scared. They granted her full custody and I wasn't allowed to see him until I completed drug testing (which I passed) because she claimed that I was a marijuana addict.

After a few months of testing and another court date, I finally got to see my son like a year later. It was supposed to be only a few hours of supervised visitation but at this point she finally threw me a bone and gave permission for me to see him by myself.

Eventually, it was over a decade ago so I don't remember how long it took, I had my visitation extended to 2 days out of the week, Friday night to Sunday night, which was great. It's a long story, maybe I'm leaving some stuff out. I can fill in details later if you want. Point is, she kidnapped our son, said she was scared and suddenly I was the bad guy. She kicked me in the chest once in a fight. I never retaliated.

Apparently, this is not uncommon:
https://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/loc...s-falsely-claimed-abuse-to-stay-in-us/202644/

 

[blaseblah]

The "fight for the kids" argument is bullshit most of the time. I've literally seen hundreds of divorces and most of the time it is a pissing match between the husband and wife where the attorneys win. I'd say probably near 80% of the time in my state, it's clear who is going to win primary custody. Who is available more with their work schedule? Who has been handling taking them to and from school or to other appointments? I see these dads who probably got duped by their attorney or are acting on pure emotion rather than logic. They'll throw thousands at trying to get custody when it makes zero sense. You work 9 to 5 with an hour commute each way while your wife has a part time job with flexible hours which have let her handle the transportation, doctor appointments, dinners, etc, yet you think you are better for custody?

This isn't gender specific either. I've seen men when custody simply because they can work from home. Most of the time, the court is pretty logical. Like I said, I've looked at hundreds of divorces, and I'd say that there are only a handful of them where I thought the result was unreasonable.

This needs to be pointed out. If your wife is the one taking care of the kids, she is going to get custody. This is why being the breadwinner and settling down with a stay at home mom isn't worth it.

 

[NewS]

All of the above. She's from the Philippines and did it as a pathway to citizenship. She admitted to me and my family that her mother and sister had wanted her to do it sooner to expedite the process and she didn't want to do it initially because she said she loved me.

I was the one who initially wanted the divorce. I naively thought that even though we were going to separate, my relationship with my son would be unaffected and that we would share time with him.

In order to help corroborate her claims of emotional, physical, and mental abuse she went to a battered women's shelter with our son for 4 months. I had no idea where she or my son were for 4 months and that was the hardest time of my life, not knowing if I would get to see him again.

So I filed in court saying that she had kidnapped him. When we arrived, she said that she hid at the women's shelter because she was scared. They granted her full custody and I wasn't allowed to see him until I completed drug testing (which I passed) because she claimed that I was a marijuana addict.

After a few months of testing and another court date, I finally got to see my son like a year later. It was supposed to be only a few hours of supervised visitation but at this point she finally threw me a bone and gave permission for me to see him by myself.

Eventually, it was over a decade ago so I don't remember how long it took, I had my visitation extended to 2 days out of the week, Friday night to Sunday night, which was great. It's a long story, maybe I'm leaving some stuff out. I can fill in details later if you want. Point is, she kidnapped our son, said she was scared and suddenly I was the bad guy. She kicked me in the chest once in a fight. I never retaliated.

Apparently, this is not uncommon:
https://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/loc...s-falsely-claimed-abuse-to-stay-in-us/202644/

That was terrible, sorry. Did you meet her in the Philippines?

 

[Robocok]

That was terrible, sorry. Did you meet her in the Philippines?

I healed a long time ago but thanks. Have a good relationship with my son. We met in California. I haven't been to Asia but want to go. I don't know if I want to go to the Philippines. Thailand and Vietnam sound cool.

 

[Bobby 3 Sticks]

Even better if you have kids.
I've in my marriage 100% for my kids (6 year old son and 4 year old daughter), I never imagine that this could be that fucking hard to just leave my kids just like that. I've living hell for the last 3 years, had to control myself almost on a daily basis to not discuss when my kids are around, but sometimes is nearly impossible and I know this is not healthy for them. I also don't feel at 100% and cannot even be myself when I'm at home, ironically my kids don't really know who his father is when I'm myself and happy camper.

Well I guess you get me by now I'm thinking about the divorce option, but still kills me the unknown of the well being of my kids. How hard was this process for you? How long it took you to deal with it ? Are your kids worse or better now? What were the biggest disadvantages (other than child support) and what were the biggest advantage?

Thanks

Yo shoot me a PM

 

[HomeCheese]

I have no doubt that the courts are biased. I have already given a reason as to why that is in another thread.

However, if a woman says she was raped, abused, assaulted, etc., by her husband, does the court just go along with her account just because she is a woman?

There has to be something more than taking a person's word as gospel or else men would really be f'd.

Depends on what state you are in and if there is a police report and shit like that. In California the laws are pretty cut and dry as to how stuff and custody is set. Have a plan when you file, try to strike first. I filed for 85% custody knowing I could not get a judge to agree to that. This way my ex didn't push for more than 50%. Have a game plan when shit happens.

 

[NewS]

I healed a long time ago but thanks. Have a good relationship with my son. We met in California. I haven't been to Asia but want to go. I don't know if I want to go to the Philippines. Thailand and Vietnam sound cool.

Philippines was amazing, even better than Thailand imo.

 

[djacobox372]

First things first. If you're staying in a marriage "for your kids." You aren't helping them at all.

Do you have any data to back that up? You hear this all the time, but I've never seen anything came close to suggesting this be true. I suspect it's just a saying that became popular due to parents trying to relieve their own guilt.

Divorce is right up there with direct physical/sexual abuse when it comes to impact on a child. So unless the marriage is THAT bad, you are not doing the kids a favor by getting divorced.

 

[Canned Tuna]

It was painful for me because I was really naive to how vindictive my ex would be and how family court is, but I was lucky in that I did it while he was only a few months old so he was too young to be hurt by it. I don't know what the dynamic is like with you and mom but there's a good chance that she will try to trash you to them for a long time. That said, I still think it's worse for you to stay in that type of situation because you can't be a strong role model in a toxic environment like that.

Try your best to be at peace with mom, which will probably be impossible, tell your kids how much you love them and that you want to be in their life forever, and fight like hell for as much time as possible with them.

Child support is based off how much time they spend with mom so she might try to kill 2 birds with one stone by limiting your time with them and in order to get more $. My ex told nasty lies about me being abusive and the court accepted it as truth. I've never raised a hand to a woman in my life but it's irrelevant in the #believeallwomen age.

Fight the good fight brother. Never give up. Some day you will find a new chick and hopefully have learned your lesson well enough to not repeat your mistake of involving the state in your personal life. Ultimately, you will be a better, happier man and role model for them because you made the difficult choice of walking away from a toxic situation and surviving the hell that followed. Take care.

I'm not divorced (still happily married thankfully), but my parents divorced when I was 5 (about the same age as your kids) so my story might have some value.

My mother did the same thing to my father that @Robocok 's ex did to him. She told everyone that he hit her. Combine that lie with the truth that he had a criminal record with assault charges and it was easy for my mom to steamroll him in court. She wound up with sole custody and my time with my dad became very irregular entirely dependent on her whims.

I was completely devastated by the divorce for a few years. At some point along the way (maybe around 8 years old) I asked why they split up for the millionth time. She told me that he hit her. I harbored a lot of resentment for him for a few years after that.

Over time I saw that my dad is an honest person with a profound sense of honor, even if he is a bit of an asshole. I also saw that my mom is a habitual liar and manipulator. When I was around 11 or 12 I finally got the courage to ask my dad why he hit my mom. He said that he didn't. When I got home from that visit I confronted her about it. She admitted that she lied. For at least five years after that I hated her so intensely that I can't even describe it.

I began constantly asking to move in with my dad and being an all-around terrible child in her house until she finally let me go live with my dad when I was 14.

I have two younger sisters who share both my parents. Today, I'm very close to my dad and see my mom every couple months. I am civil and bring over her grandkids, but I still don't like her or trust her. My sisters are both much closer to my mom than I am, but they both know she is a shitty person and they both see my dad all of the time.

The biggest advice I can give you is to make sure that your kids always know you love them and to try to see them as much as you can. If you consistently are there for them and are generally a good person, they will see it. If you cancel visits or aren't making an effort, they will see it. They will also see the truth about your spouse over time.

Sorry for the long-winded post. Divorce is just a really big deal to me.

Good luck and don't give up.

 

[Jake the Muss]

All of the above. She's from the Philippines and did it as a pathway to citizenship. She admitted to me and my family that her mother and sister had wanted her to do it sooner to expedite the process and she didn't want to do it initially because she said she loved me.

I was the one who initially wanted the divorce. I naively thought that even though we were going to separate, my relationship with my son would be unaffected and that we would share time with him.

In order to help corroborate her claims of emotional, physical, and mental abuse she went to a battered women's shelter with our son for 4 months. I had no idea where she or my son were for 4 months and that was the hardest time of my life, not knowing if I would get to see him again.

So I filed in court saying that she had kidnapped him. When we arrived, she said that she hid at the women's shelter because she was scared. They granted her full custody and I wasn't allowed to see him until I completed drug testing (which I passed) because she claimed that I was a marijuana addict.

After a few months of testing and another court date, I finally got to see my son like a year later. It was supposed to be only a few hours of supervised visitation but at this point she finally threw me a bone and gave permission for me to see him by myself.

Eventually, it was over a decade ago so I don't remember how long it took, I had my visitation extended to 2 days out of the week, Friday night to Sunday night, which was great. It's a long story, maybe I'm leaving some stuff out. I can fill in details later if you want. Point is, she kidnapped our son, said she was scared and suddenly I was the bad guy. She kicked me in the chest once in a fight. I never retaliated.

Apparently, this is not uncommon:
https://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/loc...s-falsely-claimed-abuse-to-stay-in-us/202644/

I don't want to frame you in a bad light, but can you go into more detail about the battered women's shelter process of verifying a "victim's" claims? Do you think your situation was marriage fraud?

Yeah, it looks bad for someone to end up in a shelter and I'm sure you felt blindsided to find out that she was staying in a shelter while in court, but how does the shelter know that these victims are telling the truth?

If the people at the shelter just go along with what they say, that is like the ultimate checkmate move in divorce proceedings.

You seemed to be pretty candid with your responses, but can you be as concise as possible, and perhaps share some things to look out for and how to protect ourselves?

This is something that others need to know.

 

[Robocok]

I don't want to frame you in a bad light, but can you go into more detail about the battered women's shelter process of verifying a "victim's" claims? Do you think your situation was marriage fraud?

Yeah, it looks bad for someone to end up in a shelter and I'm sure you felt blindsided to find out that she was staying in a shelter while in court, but how does the shelter know that these victims are telling the truth?

If the people at the shelter just go along with what they say, that is like the ultimate checkmate move in divorce proceedings.

You seemed to be pretty candid with your responses, but can you be as concise as possible, and perhaps share some things to look out for and how to protect ourselves?

This is something that others need to know.

I felt like it was unfair and no, there wasn't proof of anything. If I ever saw a guy hit a woman my instinct would be to go after him. You don't hit girls. That's the rules.

I would say don't get married to avoid family court. I know that there are happily married guys in this forum that will disagree. Obviously, if you do get married, then pick the right one, but who goes into a marriage with doubts?