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UPDATE:
It didn't work out, I finally had to walk away and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. We tried staying friends for a little while after the break up, but she would still get angry at me for not being there for her in the way I was when we were a couple, i.e. dropping everything for her when she needed me.
I hoped that maybe we could continue being a part of each others lives but I guess it's impossible right now. I know it's for the best. Her codependency towards me was so ingrained she still felt entitled to my time and support. One night about 2 weeks after we broke up (It's been about a month and a half now total) she called me saying she was really depressed and that she didn't have any one else and would like some company. We had still been keeping in touch (and fucking occasionally) but that particular night I told her I was uncomfortable with being in that role at this point and that I was planning on staying home for the night and she blew up at me. That was when I finally accepted that I had to completely cut her out of my life for my own sanity.
She still calls me sometimes and I've just been ignoring her. So many things I still wish I could say to her, things she's refused to ever allow me to talk about, things I wish I could get an apology for and maybe some appreciation from her for how much I gave up and how much pain I put myself through to be there for her and try to fix the relationship but I know I won't get anywhere so I'm just trying to forgive and heal and move on but it really really sucks.
I don't really know why I'm posting this. Maybe I'm just venting. I guess any advice anyone can offer on forgiving and letting go would be greatly appreciated.
The silver lining is that I did learn a lot from her about myself, and also how to better communicate with someone, especially someone who's angry. Also that I had a huge part in getting her to clean up her life and probably showed her for the first time what it's actually like to be loved and respected. So I'm trying to focus on that but it's not easy, to put it lightly.
The good news is that everything else in my life couldn't be going better. My job, my plans to move, my sleep retuning to normal (I was having a terrible time sleeping for months before the break up), getting back to activities with friends that I'd been missing out on, etc. I'm starting to feel like myself again, I think I'd lost some sense of identity since she was so controlling and critical.
I even actually met someone else about a week ago, and while I am obviously by no means ready for another relationship yet, it's nice having someone who seems thus far to be a caring, kind-hearted attractive woman fawn over you and shower you with compliments. I've made it clear to her I'm not ready for another relationship yet, before I get flamed. She knows I just got out of a very toxic, long term relationship and I've been as open and upfront with her as I possibly can be, which she seems to be genuinely appreciative of.
THE END
TL/DR/Cliffs:
We broke up and I hate that it had to be this way but I'm moving on.
Thanks to all who actually read my ramblings and responded. There are some really awesome posters in this subforum and just the thought that there are strangers on a karate forum who care enough about some other random stranger to listen and offer genuine advice warms my broken heart.
_____________________
She just left my house again after a big fight (we don't live together even though it's always been something we wanted just because we were too unstable). It didn't get nearly as crazy as in the past, but wasn't good either. She's actually been WAY better lately. It's such a long story, substance abuse, mental illness, addiction, codependency, past trauma and projection, etc etc.
For a little background, I'm 39, she's 10 years younger. We are both recovering addicts, me booze, her heroin. We didn't meet through rehab or anything related to our addictions so it's not one of THOSE relationships fortunately. We've both talked about a future together many times, have admitted to looking at each other as potential life-long partners, which is something we both want and believe in. We've been together for just about 2 years.
I'm for the first time during those 2 years starting to feel we shouldn't be together any more, there's something about me that triggers her and she flips out and can't control her temper no matter how calm and rational I stay. I know, "she's a woman" but this goes beyond the norm, I've had my share of serious relationships and was even married for 7 years at one point.
I've really tried as hard as I can to figure this out, lots of reading, talking to people I feel have more wisdom and experience than myself, staying patient and trying to control my own emotions. I've never in my life felt anything close to the connection we have. I feel like it's the kind of thing people see in the movies and think is bullshit. But I believe it's true. I believe what we have is something most people go their entire lives hoping for but never find.
It's one of those things where there's been so much invested and it's so obvious to everyone around us how much we love each other and how extremely rare our connection is and the level of comfort we have with each other but we just can't seem to figure out how to talk through disagreements or differences in opinion sometimes and it really really sucks. Sometimes she seems like the most compassionate, empathetic, caring person I've ever met and other times she's gets out of control angry and completely unreasonable, to the point where literally anything I say she finds a way to twist around in a way that she can be angry about. Neither of us want to have to end things but it's really starting to seem like we just can't make it work.
She's a fucking amazing girl but has some serious issues that she's still working through. Some of the worst shit you can imagine, just the fact she's still here and fighting for a better life after what she's been through gets all the respect I can give. It's been really hard but I always believed in the potential, I know where her heart is at and we've both been through so much together I'd feel awful leaving at this point. Part of me is afraid she might self destruct and go back to her old ways as well.
Just rambling really. I know some of you will actually have some great insight and advice because there are a lot of genuinely good people in here. The rest of you can fuck off, I'm not in the mood.
TLDR; My gf and I have been together for almost 2 years, got off to a really rough start, love each other dearly and don't want to break up but have a lot of resentments from the past, there's a lot of damage done and we can't stop fighting.
Oh, PS I'm drunk
It didn't work out, I finally had to walk away and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. We tried staying friends for a little while after the break up, but she would still get angry at me for not being there for her in the way I was when we were a couple, i.e. dropping everything for her when she needed me.
I hoped that maybe we could continue being a part of each others lives but I guess it's impossible right now. I know it's for the best. Her codependency towards me was so ingrained she still felt entitled to my time and support. One night about 2 weeks after we broke up (It's been about a month and a half now total) she called me saying she was really depressed and that she didn't have any one else and would like some company. We had still been keeping in touch (and fucking occasionally) but that particular night I told her I was uncomfortable with being in that role at this point and that I was planning on staying home for the night and she blew up at me. That was when I finally accepted that I had to completely cut her out of my life for my own sanity.
She still calls me sometimes and I've just been ignoring her. So many things I still wish I could say to her, things she's refused to ever allow me to talk about, things I wish I could get an apology for and maybe some appreciation from her for how much I gave up and how much pain I put myself through to be there for her and try to fix the relationship but I know I won't get anywhere so I'm just trying to forgive and heal and move on but it really really sucks.
I don't really know why I'm posting this. Maybe I'm just venting. I guess any advice anyone can offer on forgiving and letting go would be greatly appreciated.
The silver lining is that I did learn a lot from her about myself, and also how to better communicate with someone, especially someone who's angry. Also that I had a huge part in getting her to clean up her life and probably showed her for the first time what it's actually like to be loved and respected. So I'm trying to focus on that but it's not easy, to put it lightly.
The good news is that everything else in my life couldn't be going better. My job, my plans to move, my sleep retuning to normal (I was having a terrible time sleeping for months before the break up), getting back to activities with friends that I'd been missing out on, etc. I'm starting to feel like myself again, I think I'd lost some sense of identity since she was so controlling and critical.
I even actually met someone else about a week ago, and while I am obviously by no means ready for another relationship yet, it's nice having someone who seems thus far to be a caring, kind-hearted attractive woman fawn over you and shower you with compliments. I've made it clear to her I'm not ready for another relationship yet, before I get flamed. She knows I just got out of a very toxic, long term relationship and I've been as open and upfront with her as I possibly can be, which she seems to be genuinely appreciative of.
THE END
TL/DR/Cliffs:
We broke up and I hate that it had to be this way but I'm moving on.
Thanks to all who actually read my ramblings and responded. There are some really awesome posters in this subforum and just the thought that there are strangers on a karate forum who care enough about some other random stranger to listen and offer genuine advice warms my broken heart.
_____________________
She just left my house again after a big fight (we don't live together even though it's always been something we wanted just because we were too unstable). It didn't get nearly as crazy as in the past, but wasn't good either. She's actually been WAY better lately. It's such a long story, substance abuse, mental illness, addiction, codependency, past trauma and projection, etc etc.
For a little background, I'm 39, she's 10 years younger. We are both recovering addicts, me booze, her heroin. We didn't meet through rehab or anything related to our addictions so it's not one of THOSE relationships fortunately. We've both talked about a future together many times, have admitted to looking at each other as potential life-long partners, which is something we both want and believe in. We've been together for just about 2 years.
I'm for the first time during those 2 years starting to feel we shouldn't be together any more, there's something about me that triggers her and she flips out and can't control her temper no matter how calm and rational I stay. I know, "she's a woman" but this goes beyond the norm, I've had my share of serious relationships and was even married for 7 years at one point.
I've really tried as hard as I can to figure this out, lots of reading, talking to people I feel have more wisdom and experience than myself, staying patient and trying to control my own emotions. I've never in my life felt anything close to the connection we have. I feel like it's the kind of thing people see in the movies and think is bullshit. But I believe it's true. I believe what we have is something most people go their entire lives hoping for but never find.
It's one of those things where there's been so much invested and it's so obvious to everyone around us how much we love each other and how extremely rare our connection is and the level of comfort we have with each other but we just can't seem to figure out how to talk through disagreements or differences in opinion sometimes and it really really sucks. Sometimes she seems like the most compassionate, empathetic, caring person I've ever met and other times she's gets out of control angry and completely unreasonable, to the point where literally anything I say she finds a way to twist around in a way that she can be angry about. Neither of us want to have to end things but it's really starting to seem like we just can't make it work.
She's a fucking amazing girl but has some serious issues that she's still working through. Some of the worst shit you can imagine, just the fact she's still here and fighting for a better life after what she's been through gets all the respect I can give. It's been really hard but I always believed in the potential, I know where her heart is at and we've both been through so much together I'd feel awful leaving at this point. Part of me is afraid she might self destruct and go back to her old ways as well.
Just rambling really. I know some of you will actually have some great insight and advice because there are a lot of genuinely good people in here. The rest of you can fuck off, I'm not in the mood.
TLDR; My gf and I have been together for almost 2 years, got off to a really rough start, love each other dearly and don't want to break up but have a lot of resentments from the past, there's a lot of damage done and we can't stop fighting.
Oh, PS I'm drunk
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