Just Been Handed Beneficiary Privileges From Dying Dad.

Dogpound2020

Dogpound2020

Blue Belt
@Blue
Joined
Aug 24, 2023
Messages
597
Reaction score
563
We were never close. Very abusive to the family and everyone walked around on eggshells around him. Mom finally left him and let him take her youngest son with him to help out. Now twenty years later he’s been in the hospital for a year and a half.

I’m guessing this is his way of extending an olive branch even though it’s been that long since we’ve spoken really. Now it’s really up to me to determine all of the proceedings as far as how long to keep him in the hospital, before we let nature run it’s course. He’s 61 now. Weird past few days.
 
Dogpound2020 said:
The worst part is pretending like I care, when his sisters are being legit sad it seems. It’s mind boggling. He’s a prick.
Click to expand...

1. He might be a prick. And you might not feel sympathy for him. But, there are a few sentient beings on this earth, you included, that owe their existence to him (and your mother, of course, but this is about your dad).

So do your duty. It isn't even a duty to him, it's a duty to your family. Be an example of a good son.

2. There's a bit of me that would ask you respectfully, do you know his side of the story? You called him a prick, maybe it's worse than that and you don't want to elaborate, which I'd understand. But just because he was a prick doesn't mean he was a bad person, and he may well have had reasons to be one.

Either way, the best to you and yours. It's not an easy place to be put into and as your Sherbro, I have full faith in you.
 
Last edited:
Fuglee said:
1. He might be a prick. And you might not feel sympathy for him. But, there are a few sentient beings on this earth, you included, that owe their existence to him (and your mother, of course but this is about your dad).

So do your duty. It isn't even a duty to him, it's a duty to your family. Be an example of a good son.

2. There's a bit of me that would ask you respectfully, do you know his side of the story? You called him a prick, maybe it's worse than that and you don't want to elaborate, which I'd understand. But just because he was a prick doesn't mean he was a bad person, and he may well have had reasons to be one.

Either way, the best to you and yours. It's not an easy place to be put into and as your Sherbro, I have full faith in you.
Click to expand...
Thank you Fug. I’m doing my best to make the right decisions, and I honestly don’t like seeing him suffer since he can barely speak, is blind in one eye and is deaf. He’s lost his air and is feeding through a tube. He just got Covid too so this is just getting worse.

He’s a prick because he was a drug dealer, could never keep a steady job, beat me and my siblings and sexually abused my stepsister and got up to god knows what else when he was out of town. The last I heard he was living in a trailer, selling weed and oxy with my youngest brother.

I’d love to be sad, I’m just at an age where I don’t pretend.
 
From what I have read here, I can't say I blame you for the way that you feel about it sir.

If you don't want to go through with it then you shouldn't.
Nobody knows what he's done like you do brother.
 
It's easy to hate friends or acquaintances when they do you wrong, but it's a whole lot harder when it's family. Sorry to hear the position you have been put in, but the only thing I can really suggest is talk to him and ask him what he wants or expects. For what it's worth, based on what you said you should not be sad at all, you should be angry, I know I would be savage. But if I were a gambling man (and I am), I would think your father probably dislikes himself as much as you do right now. I agree with Cool Hand Luke's opinion.

And If you have any questions at all for him, no matter how meaningful or insignificant you think they might be, ask him while there is still time where he could answer them. Either verbally or written. You probably won't even like the answers you get, but hopefully at least you'll get an answer and it will help you rest easier.

My father passed unexpectedly in January and I can think of a thousand questions I'll never get answers to now. All it leads to is uncertainty and there are a lot of sleepless nights.
 
PeterGriffin said:
It's easy to hate friends or acquaintances when they do you wrong, but it's a whole lot harder when it's family. Sorry to hear the position you have been put in, but the only thing I can really suggest is talk to him and ask him what he wants or expects. For what it's worth, based on what you said you should not be sad at all, you should be angry, I know I would be savage. But if I were a gambling man (and I am), I would think your father probably dislikes himself as much as you do right now. I agree with Cool Hand Luke's opinion.

And If you have any questions at all for him, no matter how meaningful or insignificant you think they might be, ask him while there is still time where he could answer them. Either verbally or written. You probably won't even like the answers you get, but hopefully at least you'll get an answer and it will help you rest easier.

My father passed unexpectedly in January and I can think of a thousand questions I'll never get answers to now. All it leads to is uncertainty and there are a lot of sleepless nights.
Click to expand...
Sorry for your loss sherbro.
 
It varies by state(yay federalism) but this could be a lot more work then you are expecting. Make sure you know what you are getting into before you agree to do it. Its one thing to forgive the man. These things can be like having multiple jobs. Theres all sorts of paper work you have to file, bills you need to pay etc.
 
Cool Hand Luke said:
Take it as that: an olive branch. Grant this dying man's last wishes and treat the situation like an adult who is above petty bullshit and hurt feelings.
Click to expand...
Good man or not — you can be a better man and show compassion. If you’re a dad, be the father you wish he was. Show your family what a good man can be.
 
Dogpound2020 said:
Thank you Fug. I’m doing my best to make the right decisions, and I honestly don’t like seeing him suffer since he can barely speak, is blind in one eye and is deaf. He’s lost his air and is feeding through a tube. He just got Covid too so this is just getting worse.

He’s a prick because he was a drug dealer, could never keep a steady job, beat me and my siblings and sexually abused my stepsister and got up to god knows what else when he was out of town. The last I heard he was living in a trailer, selling weed and oxy with my youngest brother.

I’d love to be sad, I’m just at an age where I don’t pretend.
Click to expand...

Well Sherbro, in the light of you further detailing what happened, I'll say your use of the word prick was putting it really really really kindly.

I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. And I trust you'll do the best you can.

Take care Sherbro.
 
Fuglee said:
2. There's a bit of me that would ask you respectfully, do you know his side of the story? ...
But just because he was a prick doesn't mean he was a bad person, and he may well have had reasons to be one.
Click to expand...
Respectfully I disagree.

While the general sentiment of considering someone's motives or hardships is valid, I don't believe that anything justifies an adult hurting a child or sexually abusing a child. That's no excuses territory for me.


Dogpound2020 said:
If I were petty or hurt I’d just pull the plug next week and skip over any family plans.😐
Click to expand...
you are absolutely allowed to feel that way.

I believe that everyone in this thread is generally coming from a place of a good heart, I don't agree with what appears to be a bit of a consensus that you are in any way OBLIGATED to be compassionate or that it is your duty to endure stress, work, drama, etc on behalf of someone who hurt you when you were too young to defend yourself or stick up for yourself.

if you CHOOSE to take the high road, then of course, that would be a kind act but given the circumstances you deacribed, I dont feel you owe that man a damn thing. Not that my opinion matters, but just my $0.02 that you could pass that task along to someone else, another relative, one of your aunts maybe and would not be in the wrong in doing so.


Dogpound2020 said:
I’m not trying to compare fathers. My stepfather is probably one of my best friends. Got pretty lucky with that.
Click to expand...

I was similarly blessed with a wonderful stepfather... and to me he is my REAL father. Love trumps blood and actions speak louder than words or blood relations.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in a tough situation. I don't know how I will feel when my biological father dies. I haven't spoke to him in 18 years. I do understand that this is a situation that will likely stir up a lot of emotions for you and I hope you have a strong support system of people in your life who can help you.


Anyways, I don't mean to be preachy, I understand this post is a bit contrary and by the nature of what I am saying, but it felt to me like it may be important for you to hear/read the flip side of the coin.
That man owed it to YOU to be a good father when he made your mother pregnant, he owed it to YOU to provide a safe, loving positive environment to grow and learn and thrive and he failed YOU and wronged you and your siblings, so as far as I am concerned for however little my opinion may mean in the grand scheme of things, I don't think you owe him a damn thing, and if that weight on your shoulders is negatively impacting you, drop that shit or pass it along, he harmed you enough already and you don't deserve ANY further duress imo.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Forum statistics

Threads
1,239,023
Messages
55,600,199
Members
174,845
Latest member
sosadus

Share this page

Back
Top