Joke thread

[Starman]

Post your best/favorite jokes. I'll kick it off with one, and will add more later if this thread has any steam. This one I call 'the Mexican and the Bicycle.'

A policeman was working on the border between Mexico and the United States. One day, a Mexican arrived on a bicycle. The man had a large bag on his back, and the policeman was sure that he was smuggling something, so he asked the man to open the bag. (What do you think was inside?)

Inside the bag there was only sand. The policeman poured all the sand onto the ground but there was nothing else in the bag, so he let the man go.

For the next three years this happened twice a week. The Mexican arrived on a bicycle carrying a bag of sand. The policeman was more and more sure that the man was smuggling something, but he could never catch him.

Years later the policeman retired. One night he was drinking in a bar when the Mexican came in. The policeman bought the Mexican a drink. They were sitting and talking together when the policeman said: ‘You can tell me now. I’m retired and it doesn’t matter anymore. I know that you were smuggling for three years. What was it?’

The Mexican smiled and said...
































































































































































































































"Bicycles."

 

[Patrick Jane]

 

[tmnpothead]

Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.

 

[Tone C]

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”

 

[Lovestorm]

According to statistics 9/10 people enjoy gang rape.

 

[JabToucher]

Say what you want about philes..............but at least they drive slowly through school zones.

 

[blackdudebro]

Why don't Jews eat pussy?

It is too close to the gas chamber.

Damn

 

[EyeOfNewt]

You should post this one in the Autopsy of Jane Doe thread

 

[revoltub]

Knock knock
Whose there
Ach.
Ach who
Bless you

 

[Pittie Petey]

My wife was going into labor so I called the doctor and said "Doctor my wifes going into labor, the contractions are coming really fast, what do I do!?!?"

Doctor says "Is this her first child?"

I said "No this is her husband"

 

[Phlog]

This thread clearly deliniates into jokes that are innately funny and those that need the right delivery.

(The inside of my head sucks at comic delivery)

 

[Cantona7]

Pretty much just an English joke...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells on their outfits?

So that they can annoy the deaf as well.

 

[hiphopnazi]

Why do Jews play NFL?

To get the quarterback.

......

A lion walks into a bar and see's a giraffe on the floor.

The lion asks the bartender, 'who's that lying there?'

Bartender replies,

'That's not a lion it's a giraffe.'

 

[JabToucher]

This thread clearly deliniates into jokes that are innately funny and those that need the right delivery.

(The inside of my head sucks at comic delivery)

I've heard so many amazing jokes that sound terrible if I tell them face to face.

Yep all about ability to hold a crowd and deliver the punch line correctly.

 

[Stranger Come Knocking]

Say what you want about deaf people.

 

[Starman]

What do you tell a battered woman with two black eyes?



































Nothing. You already told her twice.

 

[Starman]

What's the first thing a battered woman does after getting home from the battered women's shelter?






























































The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

 

[Cole train]

Finn goes to a whorehouse to fuck

A somalian goes to a whorehouse to clean

A russian goes to a whorehouse to pick up his wife

 

[Brother Numsi]

A black guy, a white guy, a Latino guy, and an Asian guy climb Mt. Everest. When the four get to the very top of the mountain the Latino guy looks at the other three with tears in his eyes and says, "this is for my people!" and jumps off the mountain. The Asian guy overwhelmed by his actions looks at the other two and says, "this is for my people" and jumps right off the mountain, too.

The black guy and the white guy are both left standing on the mountain in disbelief. Finally, the black guy looks at the white guy and says, "this is for my people!"

And throws the white guy off the mountain.

 

[Otto!]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who fell in the water?

Bob.