I hate being a parent

[Adamant]

Surprisingly to us both, pregnancy was a breeze, no issues whatsoever and 17 months ago a healthy and cute little boy was born. That's when shit hit the fan...

My wife was both mentally and physically scarred by the experience and somewhat mistreated by the hospital staff so she developed postpartum depression - and unfortunately so did I.

What exactly happened? What was so bad about the experience and how were you mistreated by the hospital staff?

 

[ssBaldy]

Can you afford a nanny and/or a house worker? Seems to me most of your problems come from your lifestyle taken away from you.

 

[LHWBelt]

Disclaimer: I love my child and I don't intend to abandon him or anything. That being said, I need to vent and if you think complaining about your wife or kid is unacceptable - GTFO. Yes, #firstworldproblems but "it's still real to me, damn it!"

I never really thought through the idea of having kids. It seemed like something natural, something most people do, not really much of a dilemma. Generally, children have always liked me and would often flock to me ever since I reached my teens - especially kids aged 3 to 10. I'm a single child so perhaps I was unconsciously yearning for a sibling so I never minded hanging out with younger kids. What especially endeared them to me was the fact that I always treated them seriously, almost as equals - kids absolutely love that! Even now, in my 30s, whenever children approach me I never brush them off or ignore them, like some adults do. I listen with care and genuine interest, because sometimes kids really are interesting and smart and speak the simple truths that we, adults, keep forgetting...

Taking all that into account I intended to become a school teacher but my friends and family talked me out of it because, truth be told, a teacher in Eastern Europe earns barely enough money to support himself and is usually sentenced to the job for life, with most of them ending up depressed, disgruntled or alcoholics. I've seen that in the schools I went to. Long story short, I chose finance and management instead and I've been climbing the corporate ladder for the last 10 years. It's not a dream job by any stretch of the imagination but the conditions are decent and so is the pay.

OK, enough background, on to parenting. Like I said, I never gave it much thought. I married a wonderful girl at age 30 and from that day my parents started nagging me about kids. My parents-in-law didn't (as much) but my wife's brother already had kids so we felt some pressure to "catch up". We gave it some time but when my wife's BFF got pregnant she decided it was time for her as well. Surprisingly to us both, pregnancy was a breeze, no issues whatsoever and 17 months ago a healthy and cute little boy was born. That's when shit hit the fan...

My wife was both mentally and physically scarred by the experience and somewhat mistreated by the hospital staff so she developed postpartum depression - and unfortunately so did I. (Yes, men can also get PPD, google it.) We felt like shit parents for the first few months. We couldn't handle the stress and the pressure of responsibility. We're both perfectionists and the chaos that ensued was probably too much for us. We took care of the baby alright, it was well fed and clean and dry etc but we'd just sulk and quarrel constantly. I openly regretted my decision (to have kids) and my wife would be furious whenever I'd mention it. Even worse, my wife loved the little one but I myself could not feel a thing. I was just robotically feeding, cleaning, taking care but feeling emotionally empty inside... I became suicidal at one point. I genuinely went to the top floor in the office building to see if the window could be opened and if there was a clear path for me to drop 10 stories to the ground... on that day I came home and told my wife that I contemplated suicide.

Luckily I never submitted to those urges, I abhorred them and did the right thing - went to therapy. The psychologist really helped me, she told me that some men don't develop feelings for their child from day one - and that it was OK. I needed time and help - and I got both. I climbed out of depression and even arranged therapy for my wife - which also helped her. We were able to go on.

Unfortunately this is not the "happy ending". The last 17 months in general has still been insanely hard for both of us. We were both very active before pregnancy - we'd go out, do sports, travel, read a lot, watch movies together etc. All of this vanished - no more dining, no sports, no travel, no time for movies, only audiobooks or podcasts give us some intellectual entertainment during the incessant cleaning. My wife ended up with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and turned into Jabba the Hut with constant mood swings, similar to permanent PMS. My bad back got worse, old injuries came back, even ones I never knew I had. I was always the calm and patient one in our duet but I find myself in fits of rage or depressed more and more often as time passes. And to cap it off, my parents (who were the ones so obsessed with getting a grandchild) were supposed to move countries to live closer to us but have postponed that indefinitely - first due to their oh-so-important day jobs and now due to the pandemic. They visited us TWICE in 17 months.

I'm happy to say that our son is healthy and quick-witted - but this surprisingly often becomes a problem for us. He is constantly reaching for stuff he isn't supposed to touch, getting through any blockade or obstruction we set up to keep him out of danger. He even climbs fucking furniture! Apart from that he is moody, gets annoyed quickly, is VERY loud (even the pediatrician says so) and makes a huge mess out of anything he can get his hands on. The cleaning, wiping, vacuuming, washing and sweeping NEVER ENDS, it's like 90% of what we do every day. Some parents just let their kids run amok and live in a pigsty but we just can't. And don't get me started on the lack of sleep...

Anyway, I woke up to the sound of screams today (as every day) and during my son's third change of clothes within 2 hrs I got really angry with him and with this whole deal. My wife noticed and, though very disgruntled by my behavior, took him out for a walk in the stroller. So I took the PC and went on Sherdog to vent. I guess I'm done now and I feel a bit calmer.

So, am I a shit parent or do you Sherdads have the same feelings sometimes?
Let me know and thanks for reading to the very end - I admire your attention span.

Dude being a parent is hard, I have a 16 month old and slept approximately 3 hours last night so I get it. Suck it up tho. He's doing this shit for the first time so he's going to be loud and messy and crazy. My son drives me nuts sometimes but he's also fun and goofy other times and I love seeing him learn. Figure it out though, find a balance so you and your wife can have alone time and shit cuz thats needed. The bad shit will pass but in maybe just stick with the 1 kid. I got another one on the way but I might be crazy.

 

[deadshot138]

Dude being a parent is hard, I have a 16 month old and slept approximately 3 hours last night so I get it. Suck it up tho. He's doing this shit for the first time so he's going to be loud and messy and crazy. My son drives me nuts sometimes but he's also fun and goofy other times and I love seeing him learn. Figure it out though, find a balance so you and your wife can have alone time and shit cuz thats needed. The bad shit will pass but in maybe just stick with the 1 kid. I got another one on the way but I might be crazy.

2 kids is important. They need someone to be there when us parents are dead.

 

[deadshot138]

Can you afford a nanny and/or a house worker? Seems to me most of your problems come from your lifestyle taken away from you.

This is also hugely important

 

[deadshot138]

Weigh it up against a meaningless life...
It might be fun being selfish for a while but then...

Lifes what you make it brother. You can be childless and mean something. If you feel aimless, volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter.

 

[LHWBelt]

2 kids is important. They need someone to be there when us parents are dead.

Might not be all I have either idk. I love being a parent. I hate it too though lol

 

[LHWBelt]

Cant say i relate at all OP.

My daughter and i were close the moment she was born and in the nicu. She is 25 months old, smart as heck, she climbs furniture and does toddler stuff but thats normal dude. Especially the cleaning up after them or the house. I do laundry 4 times a week usually.

Every kid is different also. We got lots of sleep with ours but our friend who had their kid a few months prior is still waking 3 times a night and acts out in public. Kids arent perfect by any means and can be trying on the patience. This makes it hard for advice because although kids crave sctructure and attention, they all learn and process experiences at different rates.

Maybe you just need like a week vacay to yourself.

Ya the furniture thing was silly. My son is 16 months and he's climbing everything I dont want him to all the time but that's being a kid. Hell he climbed right out of the crib as well so that's not an option anymore. I like it though, he wants to explore and try new things which is normal as fuck.

 

[Greta Thunberg]

Have you considered looking in to getting an Au Pair to help with child care, housework, etc...

 

[Cpt Migraine]

I'm actually questioning if I want to have children or not and openly discussing with my girl.

BTW.. I would outsource everything I could in your place: cleaning, babysitting, etc. You and your wife are clearly overboarded and need all the help you can get.

I think more people should discuss it..

A lot of people just assume a lot of shit.. people ask me when we're having kids all the time..

We're in our early thirties and neither of us wants kids.. we're living a good life (for us) compared to everyone we know in our age with kids.. it seems like they age 2 weeks every night.. as soon as you let go of expectations you gain a lot of freedom..

I'm not saying i'll never have kids but unless i live a stupidly stress free life with exceptional financial security i ain't adding an extra life to it..

 

[LHWBelt]

I don't think he is but I think he's too young to conclude that. We have a good pediatrician, I'm sure she'd spot something if it was there. But I've met autists in my life and I don't fear them so I didn't take that as an insult.

Nothing you said in your original post indicates autism imo. He could be but nothing you said would lead anyone to believe that.

 

[LHWBelt]

That’s normal for a 17 month old. Our daughter does all the same stuff. Man up and deal with it. For myself, I find all of it funny as hell. She makes me burst out laughing often with all the climbing and other shit she pulls.

The new parent/newborn stuff is also normal.....no sleep, feeling at a loss, like you’re a failure of a parent and nothing seems to be smooth about any of it, etc. All of what you’re going through with your kid is normal.

Here are a few pics of what she got into the other day:

View attachment 825043
View attachment 825044
View attachment 825045

Yes, that’s the wife’s makeup. Guess she wants in on the fun too. Little shit.

And just general bitchiness:
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All of this shit is always hilarious to me. Maybe I’m weird.

Shes cute man. My sons the same age and his main thing is getting into the dog food/water to the point where if we're upstairs i gotta have it on the table. The other day I stepped out for 2 seconds then heard splashing and come in and he's on the chair with his hand in the water. On the counter it goes now.

 

[LHWBelt]

Only on page 4 but you and the wife seem a lil OCD such as myself. As soon as the kid is old enough, get it cleaning and tidying up. Sorted.

Man up until then.

If you start em early he'll likely want to do it because he wants to do what his parents do.

 

[The Talent]

Op, I have to say I admire your honesty. That takes a lot of guts to admit something like that. Takes even more to admit you needed help.

Do you know why newborn babies smell so good? It's a biological chemical reaction so that you don't want to kill it. What you're dealing with is nothing new. Humans and our evolutionary ancestors have been dealing with this for millennia. It's okay to feel this way. You own your emotions - both good and bad.

But you've got a new life assignment now. Your new title is 'Dad' and you've got a tiny human that will eventually be a contributing member of society. You've got to train him and help to develop his character. He is you, afterall. And your bloodline will continue to live on after you're dead. Help make your legacy exceptional.

 

[sirtapsalot]

I have 2 boys and here are some nuggets and useful tips to make life a little more bareable:
always bring a tablet/phone/book to the toilet and take your time there (of course this only applies when a child hasnt followed d you into the bathroom)
do the cooking, and cook meals from scratch in as long and convoluted way as possible, this is time to listen to music/podcasts or again watch a tablet. If a child begins to hang around either throw any old shit meal together or drop something hot on them to make them fuck off
make your commute count...this is the best part of your day, a time for audio books or podcasts. Take thelong way and enjoy the scenery
masturbate a lot because you wont get any. Even if you think your goin to, you wonr
dont buy nice things, itll only piss you off when they get destroyed
Spend as little tume as possible tidying, its pointless

i have more but this post is getting long, if anyone wants more just ask

 

[FactNotFiction]

What Fluffeenutter said.

Also, I think meditation and go to a reputable shaman for an energy session would help you feel better. I did 9 years ago and it helped me a lot.

It can help release some of the difficult emotions and mental state you are holding onto.

How is your diet?

 

[zuffazombee]

Sounds like my life but just add another child with severe autism and then you have my life.

Same.

I'm an older parent (48 years old). I thought I was done with kids when I divorced my first wife. She & I have 3 kids together, ranging in age from 13-23 years.

When I reconnected with my current wife (we'd known each other for 20+ years but had lost touch), we had some long discussions re; having children of our own. We decided to try & unfortunately lost our first. We tried again & a year later our son was born.

At 1 year, he had only hit a handful of his milestones. That, along with other signs, led us to have him tested. Turns out he is on the moderate-severe end of the autism spectrum.

He's now 3 years old & aside from being developmentally delayed & the probability he may never speak, he is a normal, healthy child.

He is extremely affectionate to those he lets into his "world", climbs & investigates things and occasionally gets into things he shouldn't, just as any other child would.

We're doing everything we can to make sure his ASD doesn't define him. We work with him at home a few hours a day, he's a part of multiple therapy groups aimed at toddlers & we're on the lookout for any physical activity groups geared towards autistic children.

I'm not sure how this all applies to TS, except that raising a child is hard work. After 3 kids I thought I had it figured out. I was wrong & it took an autistic child for me to realize it. Maybe TS thought he was ready for children when he actually wasn't.

 

[HelloJapan]

I think more people should discuss it..

A lot of people just assume a lot of shit.. people ask me when we're having kids all the time..

We're in our early thirties and neither of us wants kids.. we're living a good life (for us) compared to everyone we know in our age with kids.. it seems like they age 2 weeks every night.. as soon as you let go of expectations you gain a lot of freedom..

I'm not saying i'll never have kids but unless i live a stupidly stress free life with exceptional financial security i ain't adding an extra life to it..

I'm 46. When I was approaching 30, I was in a serious relationship - she wanted married and kids (of course), I decided to put serious thought into both. I did. I chose not to get married (sorry, Carolyn), and not have kids. Many factors came into making these choices.

Zero, I repeat - zero, regrets.

I generally believe in the 80/20 rule - 80% of the population are sheep that just follow, and the other 20 go their own way. Each person when becoming an adult has to take a hard look in the mirror, and figure which camp they're in - be honest, be self aware, and most importantly - be thy nature. One thing is for sure, there are a lot of people that shouldn't have been parents (I've seen that a lot in my work). It still blows my mind that you need a license to drive, or fish, but not have a fucking kid.

 

[koolinkunming]

Shes cute man. My sons the same age and his main thing is getting into the dog food/water to the point where if we're upstairs i gotta have it on the table. The other day I stepped out for 2 seconds then heard splashing and come in and he's on the chair with his hand in the water. On the counter it goes now.

Lol. Nice. I’m glad we don’t have a dog, cause I I can imagine that after your son’s hands are in the dish they’ll be in his mouth right after. Ewwww haha.

My daughter’s obsession every time she goes near the washroom is toilet paper. She used to stand there a unroll as much as she could get away with before we caught her, so we put it up out of arms reach. But lately she discovered it tastes good or something, so if it’s not put where it should be, it’s in her mouth.

 

[koolinkunming]

I'm 46. When I was approaching 30, I was in a serious relationship - she wanted married and kids (of course), I decided to put serious thought into both. I did. I chose not to get married (sorry, Carolyn), and not have kids. Many factors came into making these choices.

Zero, I repeat - zero, regrets.

I generally believe in the 80/20 rule - 80% of the population are sheep that just follow, and the other 20 go their own way. Each person when becoming an adult has to take a hard look in the mirror, and figure which camp they're in - be honest, be self aware, and most importantly - be thy nature. One thing is for sure, there are a lot of people that shouldn't have been parents (I've seen that a lot in my work). It still blows my mind that you need a license to drive, or fish, but not have a fucking kid.

Sooooooo you’re saying people with kids are sheep?

Here’s a good song for you btw.