I hate being a parent

[Greta Thunberg]

Dude chill the fuck out. You are extrapolating your own experience and generalising it.

I was a fulfilled father from day 1 and my daughter gives me more joy than anything else in the world and I love her more than the universe. I am in your category of super happy father and I am blessed, like you.

It does not give us the right to judge other parents who are not on that rainbow, as long as they are fulfilling their duties they are doing what they can imo. Some parents struggle in their role. Does not make them shitty parents.

Oh and "it" is often the translation of the neutral gender which is associated with the word "child" in some languages. I suspect that it is the case in Russian but I don't remember. It is the case in German for example. "Das Kind".

He asked to be judged in the OP.

 

[KBE6EKCTAH_CCP]

Oh and TS: this will be harsher than my first post above, but I need to say it nevertheless: don't be a pussy.
My feelings, your feelings are irrelevant, now. We have a duty to our respective families and forfeited our right to be selfish the moment we conceived.
Now your priority is to give a good, warm childhood to your child. The rest is for the birds. Fuck your feelings, you are a father.

 

[Rand M Arthur]

@Hotora86

I had similar feelings for about a year after. First off, no more joint workouts until your son is a teenager. I suggest getting some kettlebells and a pullup bar. This is your workout until the kids is at least three and will sit through a Disney film from start to finish. That is when you and your wife can take turns at the gym, either 45 minutes each with the other sitting in the car reading whilst your kid watches Toy Story on your phone, or alternate nights whilst the other waits at home. Until then you will do kettlebell and bodyweight workouts, with a few runs outside a week. This will have to be either really early or really late, that is up to you.

Get yourself another hobby you can do alone at home, mine is cooking eccentric meals, and one you can do with the wife, we do board games and go for hikes.

Also, you didn't mention sex life, but if it is anything like ours was for the first year, you have to schedule at least one sex session a week. It isn't romantic or anything, but it will save your marraige. If you can find the moment for quickies here and there it helps, but put aside one hours a week for intamacy, no matter how forced it feels.

Edit: It also does get better when they are toddlers and you can start taking them to do hobbies like karate or kickball or to trampoline parks.

That's with makeup of course, you don't want to see her without it.

WOOD

 

[deadshot138]

Something everyone needs to ponder before parenthood is if they're ready to flush their lives as they know it down the drain and endure a period of unspeakable mental, physical, emotional and financial hardship.

I've done it twice, call me a masochist.

 

[deadshot138]

Oh and TS: this will be harsher than my first post above, but I need to say it nevertheless: don't be a pussy.
My feelings, your feelings are irrelevant, now. We have a duty to our respective families and forfeited our right to be selfish the moment we conceived.
Now your priority is to give a good, warm childhood to your child. The rest is for the birds. Fuck your feelings, you are a father.

This is an unhealthy outlook. Your life must have been either boring or shit before you had a kid. They aren't supposed to become your identity and this attitude can lead to the very resentment TS is feeling. There's a healthy balance.

 

[Hotora86]

I have one child and understand much of what you went through. I love her more than anything but I also do not thrive from being a parent. Parenting is very difficult and the biggest commitment. So we chose to stop at one. Try to remind yourself that taking care of another human being is the most important thing you can ever do.

We chose to stop at one as well. One is enough and sometimes one is too much.
Thanks and take care!

 

[eternaldarkness]

I can't blow so it's not a problem, I am seeing a pregnant escort however... so, never know where that will go.

 

[Hotora86]

Feeling pressured by in-laws and parents to have children is not a reason to have children. Neither is your wife’s Best friend getting pregnant and neither is feeling like you should catch up to o everyone else.
Seems to me neither of you even really wanted kids, you wanted to fit in with what you think is normal.

the reality of the fact is that a lot of people that have kids didn’t want them and a lot of people shouldn’t have them.

I 100% agree with that last sentence. There should be a parenting qualification test or something. And if "not sure" is the answer to "Do you want kids?" then it's a no-go.

I'm not entirely sure how much the pressure affected our decision - I mean we contemplated having kids anyway and were never against it so nobody really convinced us. We just weren't 100% ready perhaps. But I'm sure that if we delayed longer we'd end up childless because we would definitely not try to have kids in a pandemic! And I have no idea how that would develop - maybe we'd adopt, maybe not, maybe we'd stay happy or maybe we'd be sad old farts with nothing to look forward to. I have no idea.

A wise man once said: in life, there are no solutions, only trade-offs.

 

[Hotora86]

That probably made me laugh a lot more than it should have.

Anyway TS. Not sure what to tell you? I've never had any of those problems or issues myself. Glad that you went and sought professional help for it, because honestly most people wouldn't have had the courage to do that. So kudos for that.

Otherwise, I hope things get better for you.

The only other thing I'll add, is that we had our 2 children 14 months apart. If you think 1 is tough, try 2 going through the same thing at the same time lol

Thanks for the kudos and for the hope.
Yeah I can't imagine having many babies at the same time, it's nuts. A colleague of mine always says "only a fool has more than one kid". He has 3.

 

[Hotora86]

goodluck to you and your wife for the start of a long journey bro. its gonna be a heck of a long ride!!

im sure everything will work out fine buds. for you and your missus with the kid.

Thanks man! Ran out of likes in this thread!

 

[Hotora86]

No offense dude, I'm just a straight forward type person. I find that more often than not it helps more than sugar
coating, beating around the bush and being sympathetic.

Truth is it will most likely work out for you just fine and it will eventually hit you that you were just thinking about
yourself first too much. But only you can control that.

I don't agree with your comment about parenting being "super fucking hard." It might be for you but you have
to understand that your situation has a lot to do with your feelings and how they are affecting your outlook on
parenting. That's not the case with everyone always, not by a long shot. I find parenting almost effortless in
the sense that it comes naturally for me.

You had to know there'd be dissenting opinions when you made this thread.

Thanks, this was a much nicer post. I actually envy you that parenting comes naturally to you - but that's not the case for everyone so I don't think it's right to judge others. But yeah I knew I'd get flamed eventually, it's Sherdog!

I'm working on the mindset aspect - and venting actually helps because otherwise I bottle up my anger and explode eventually which isn't good for anyone. My wife vents to her mom. My mom... wouldn't understand... so I tried venting here - and I felt better. Plus I got lots of support which is nice. It's a win-win.

 

[Hotora86]

It’s definitely hard. My son is 9 months old and the wife also suffered from postpartum depression after a really rough labor that ended in a c-section. Now that my kid is 9 months old, he’s constantly getting into shit, trying to climb up everything, needing attention, etc. Its a 24/7 job raising a kid there’s no doubt about that, but it’s way harder for my wife than it is for me.

It’s definitely true that people don’t accurately tell you how hard it can be. Or it’s been so long since they had kids that they “forget” about how much work it is during that first year.

Precisely! My best wishes to you and your wife, I hope she gets well soon. Thanks for the post.

 

[Hotora86]

That's brutal , sorry to hear that , maybe talk to your dad , perhaps he can talk your mom down a bit .

It's funny but my parents weren't very good parents, they were young and both alcoholics , they weren't terrible, just not very good and split when I was in elementary school ( they were a terrible match) but my Grandparents were fantastic , they had far more influence on me than my parents and when it came to be grandparents they were just as ineffectual but my in-laws were fantastic , they were absolutely wonderful , my son was very difficult to look after when he was a baby and as a toddler because he was highly intelligent and wanted/needed constant attention , he wanted/needed constant interaction to the extent that from the time he could talk when we took him to the playground he would head straight for the parents of the other kids and strike up a conversation.

Sorry I've meandered , your parents are missing out , Grandparenting is the best gig ever , all the fun with a fraction of the work .

Thanks man. They are missing out indeed. At least my in-laws are taking part and helping out. My mother-in-law is an angel, I almost trust her more than my own mom. So glad to have her around.

 

[Hotora86]

When my first kid was born I was looking at her laying on my wife's chest and thinking "What the hell is that? She looks like a frog." And my wife looked at me through tears of happiness and said "Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen."

Hahahaha I believe that!
Our son looked cute after he was cleaned but right after birth... ugh.

 

[Hotora86]

Some real wtf moments reading this:

Post partum depression correlates most with the mother feeling a lack of support. You had one job!

You told your wife you wished you'd never had a kid!!! The ultimate rejection of her. Keep it to yourself or speak to a friend/counselor.

You threatened suicide on her birthday!! What a lovely gift!

You have one kid and you're complaining about continuous cleaning! 1 kid!! I have a buddy with 2 kids who had triplets! That's hard. It gets easier man, you're in the deep of it.

Your kid gets into what they shouldn't, you should have child proofed your home.

Parenting can be hard, sounds like you've got it rough related to your qualities and the stress off illnesses etc.

Single parents do this shit, with multiple kids, you got two on one, your problems aren't just from the kid being added. Sorry you got it hard man, glad you got help. Don't know how I could have done it myself without football, garage gym, weed and PS4.

Some real wtf moments reading your post - you're both super harsh and sympathetic. Thanks, I guess?

 

[Hotora86]

That's great, way more positive, hard just hearing the negative and forming a judgment on that.

Well, the OP is negative because I was venting. I put that in the Disclaimer in big bold letters.

I love my wife and my son. Life can be harder with them around sometimes but it sure is more interesting!

 

[rearnakedchoke]

 

[Hotora86]

I know how you feel buddy hang in there. I feel a woman's love is like a light switch it just pops on, a man's love is like a dimmer switch that slowly lights up. Guys who tell me that as soon as they held their child they fell in love always make me suspicious. Either they are liars or 's

Thanks bro, great analogy.

 

[Hotora86]

TL;DR

Just kidding. We have discussed this and as you know I can't really relate. If it can make you feel better, my daughter started only recently to listen to us a bit. So while the never ending iterations of stopping her from climbing on shit and opening cupboards and just making an absolute mess does get worse due to them getting bigger stronger and more agile, a breakthrough occurred as she IS understanding quite clearly that there is shit she can't do and that she must obey.

She went through a long phase of testing us with intent.

So all I can say is keep it up, brosky, yes the first two years or so can be very tiring but it gets very rewarding very fast. I am now taking her to walks in the forest, pull her around on the sleigh, teach her to throw snowballs, to hit the heavy bag, and now she is speaking all the time saying hilarious stuff, etc.

So while I did not have your kind of experience myself, I can understand why the first 2 years can be tiring for many people.

Just keep it up, man. If it can make you feel better, while you will leave that "critical" period I will enter it again as we will be having our second child soon, if God wills it. So maybe you will be the one cheering me up in 17 months ;-)

Oh dear, good luck with that! I hope the pandemic ends asap so it's not as hard for you with the new baby.

Thanks again for your support.

 

[Hotora86]

That's what you call home truths man. Your mother knows you.

Well, she raised me to be like this so... I guess she's the one at fault!