I hate being a parent

[Hotora86]

Mayberry is generally for support and advice

War room is to discuss events and shit on other people

I'll make a mental note of that.

I just wanted to vent anyway but I am overwhelmed by the support and grateful for every bit of it!

 

[Badger67]

Thanks for the post.

our friend who had their kid a few months prior is still waking 3 times a night - 3 times a night is the standard for us, sometimes ramping up to 6 times. So yeah, we don't get much sleep and this makes life harder.

Maybe you just need like a week vacay to yourself - fuck yea I do but I can't leave my wife like that!

Its hard to work out. Luckily my wife also appreciates some alone time so i went moose hunting for a week. Maybe you guys should talk about havjng some free time/space for a few days or hours of a day at times where you guys can focus on your own self. Especially during covid and lots being at home stuck together its a lot of personal space invasion. My wife went nuts until she could go back to work, and thankfully she can work through winter.

Covid + no personal space + a kid is a recipe for disputes and no self care. You cant care for a child as good as you should without focusing on yourselves as well. And kids do pick up on this even if it doesnt seem so.

 

[Hotora86]

You guys sound weird. It feels about as good to nail a chubby chick, especially if you love them. After your kid comes out, you love them. It doesn’t matter.

Kids are fun. There are circumstances in the outside world that makes having them more difficult, which can be annoying, but normal humans just enjoy nearly everything with their own kids. You aren’t looking at it naturally, but materialistically, like they are a thing or something.

You shouldn’t feel this way. It’s like you want to to seem more modern. It’s lame.

You know, these kinds of words make parenting even harder than it already is. These are words that my therapist warned me about and told me to disregard. I bolded out what I mean in your post.

"You shouldn’t feel this way" is probably the worst thing you could say to a person suffering from depression or even just stress or anger issues. It never helps. It always hurts.

I KNOW I shouldn't have felt this way. But what if I can't stop feeling this way? Do you know how guilty I felt when I couldn't find love for my son inside of me? Do you know how painful it was? I can't FORCE myself to love - can you?

And questioning my normality is another super unhelpful thing. What's "normal" anyway? Why are you qualified to judge who is "normal" and who is not? What do you think these "non-normal" people should do? You know what some of them do? They commit suicide because society doesn't want to help them or accept them.

Now THIS is a War Room conversation now! Flame on!

 

[Fluffernutter]

"We're both perfectionists"

Right there.

- Ease up on yourself, your wife, and your child.
- Change your expectations.
- Yes, your social life has dramatically changed. You won't do the things you used to do, with the people you used to hang out with. But, that is also the same if you simply aged. For instance, once we had a kid, I stopped trekking out into the wilderness to do some rock climbing with co-workers. Now, it could certainly be because I don't want my little kids to come out there with me OR it could also be because I realized that Ted from accounting is a shithead and didn't want to hang out with him any longer.
- Once your kid is school aged, you will start meeting new peers through that.
- Stop being a perfectionist regarding cleaning. The same thing would happen if you got a dog.

 

[Hotora86]

i think have a son and give him/her better chances than the ones you got, is one of greatest things you can do with your life

Woman due family issues does'nt seem to want one at the moment, but she's 34 and time is'nt infinite
As much i love my current life, i can see myself few years in future break the relationship if shit don't get fixed

Best of luck to you - if you really want a child then go for it. But be warned, shit ain't easy. And another warning - if your girl does not want a child and you force her to have one it may end up in disaster for you all.

Sorry if being pessimistic, just cautioning.

 

[Hotora86]

Suck it up, it gets better and men don't start loving their children like woman, it takes time, but once they start talking and having a personality they grow on you.

Maybe boys suck more, but I have two girls and they are great, but the first two years suck.

My advice workout, run, wake up early on the weekends and do some exercise.

Thanks, I'm trying to keep myself fit in general but injuries keep coming back unfortunately. Getting PT next week.

 

[Hotora86]

Also since your kid is moody make the little guy exercise too, take him swimming, to the park, play games. Kids who don't waste energy are hard to manage at night

Oh I will definitely exercise with him as soon as he understands what that is! Wife used to take him swimming but all pools are now closed due to the pandemic...
We like to dance together sometimes, that's a form of exercise I guess?

 

[Diogenes of Sinope]

Disclaimer: I love my child and I don't intend to abandon him or anything. That being said, I need to vent and if it you think complaining about your wife or kid is unacceptable - GTFO. Yes, #firstworldproblems but "it's still real to me, damn it!"

I never really thought through the idea of having kids. It seemed like something natural, something most people do, not really much of a dilemma. Generally, children have always liked me and would often flock to me ever since I reached my teens - especially kids aged 3 to 10. I'm a single child so perhaps I was unconsciously yearning for a sibling so I never minded hanging out with younger kids. What especially endeared them to me was the fact that I always treated them seriously, almost as equals - kids absolutely love that! Even now, in my 30s, whenever children approach me I never brush them off or ignore them, like some adults do. I listen with care and genuine interest, because sometimes kids really are interesting and smart and speak the simple truths that we, adults, keep forgetting...

Taking all that into account I intended to become a school teacher but my friends and family talked me out of it because, truth be told, a teacher in Eastern Europe earns barely enough money to support himself and is usually sentenced to the job for life, with most of them ending up depressed, disgruntled or alcoholics. I've seen that in the schools I went to. Long story short, I chose finance and management instead and I've been climbing the corporate ladder for the last 10 years. It's not a dream job by any stretch of the imagination but the conditions are decent and so is the pay.

OK, enough background, on to parenting. Like I said, I never gave it much thought. I married a wonderful girl at age 30 and from that day my parents started nagging me about kids. My parents-in-law didn't (as much) but my wife's brother already had kids so we felt some pressure to "catch up". We gave it some time but when my wife's BFF got pregnant she decided it was time for her as well. Surprisingly to us both, pregnancy was a breeze, no issues whatsoever and 17 months ago a healthy and cute little boy was born. That's when shit hit the fan...

My wife was both mentally and physically scarred by the experience and somewhat mistreated by the hospital staff so she developed postpartum depression - and unfortunately so did I. (Yes, men can also get PPD, google it.) We felt like shit parents for the first few months. We couldn't handle the stress and the pressure of responsibility. We're both perfectionists and the chaos that ensued was probably too much for us. We took care of the baby alright, it was well fed and clean and dry etc but we'd just sulk and quarrel constantly. I openly regretted my decision (to have kids) and my wife would be furious whenever I'd mention it. Even worse, my wife loved the little one but I myself could not feel a thing. I was just robotically feeding, cleaning, taking care but feeling emotionally empty inside... I became suicidal at one point. I genuinely went to the top floor in the office building to see if the window could be opened and if there was a clear path for me to drop 10 stories to the ground... it was my wife's birthday and on that day I came home and told her that I contemplated suicide.

Luckily I never submitted to those urges, I abhorred them and did the right thing - went to therapy. The psychologist really helped me, she told me that some men don't develop feelings for their child from day one - and that it was OK. I needed time and help - and I got both. I climbed out of depression and even arranged therapy for my wife - which also helped her. We were able to go on.

Unfortunately this is not the "happy ending". The last 17 months in general has still been insanely hard for both of us. We were both very active before pregnancy - we'd go out, do sports, travel, read a lot, watch movies together etc. All of this vanished - no more dining, no sports, no travel, no time for movies, only audiobooks or podcasts give us some intellectual entertainment during the incessant cleaning. My wife ended up with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and turned into Jabba the Hut with constant mood swings, similar to permanent PMS. My bad back got worse, old injuries came back, even ones I never knew I had. I was always the calm and patient one in our duet but I find myself in fits of rage or depressed more and more often as time passes. And to cap it off, my parents (who were the ones so obsessed with getting a grandchild) were supposed to move countries to live closer to us but have postponed that indefinitely - first due to their oh-so-important day jobs and now due to the pandemic. They visited us TWICE in 17 months.

I'm happy to say that our son is healthy and quick-witted - but this surprisingly often becomes a problem for us. He is constantly reaching for stuff he isn't supposed to touch, getting through any blockade or obstruction we set up to keep him out of danger. He even climbs fucking furniture! Apart from that he is moody, gets annoyed quickly, is VERY loud (even the pediatrician says so) and makes a huge mess out of anything he can get his hands on. The cleaning, wiping, vacuuming, washing and sweeping NEVER ENDS, it's like 90% of what we do every day. Some parents just let their kids run amok and live in a pigsty but we just can't. And don't get me started on the lack of sleep...

Anyway, I woke up to the sound of screams today (as every day) and during my son's third change of clothes within 2 hrs I got really angry with him and with this whole deal. My wife noticed and, though very disgruntled by my behavior, took him out for a walk in the stroller. So I took the PC and went on Sherdog to vent. I guess I'm done now and I feel a bit calmer.

So, am I a shit parent or do you Sherdads have the same feelings sometimes?
Let me know and thanks for reading to the very end - I admire your attention span.

Suffering is part of the human experience. But as a man you have to put your family before yourself. There are a few books I recommend that changed my life. Will totally change your psychology and help you understand how much of your happiness depends on you perspective of reality:




1) "The Luck Factor" By Richard Wiseman

Psychologist Richard Wiseman attempts to see if "Luck" is measurable. He takes 400 people or so and has them rate themselves o a scale of 1-5 on how lucky they think they are. He then interviews them, some had incredibly awful lives and luck while others had amazingly Lucy lives. He runs them both through a series of trials to test their "luck" while studying their behavior, for example"

-Having them walk through a path with an obscured $100 bill in random places throughout the trail, having them try to find a hidden message in a collage, having them try to unlink 2 metal loops which are designed to be impossible to unlink.

He found that although luck doesnt exist, there are psychological traits that allow people to notice more opportunities and handle failure better.

For example:

-Lucky people take more chances and dont fixate on failure. In fact lucky people fail more, but interpret their shortcomings as "it wasn't meant to be" or a "lesson that they learned from, grew from, and helped them prepare for their actual success"

-While unlucky people took less chances, and fixated on their failures, complaining about them, and quitting.




2) "The As If Principle" by Richard Wiseman.

In this book Wiseman found that acting "as if" you had a particular trait, can help you acquire it faster. He had elderly people act as if they were in their 20s for about a moth and then studies them. He found that their memories improved and they exhibited physical changes like getting taller and their fingers getting longer, weirdly.

His overall point is that acting as if you have a trait that you want, will help you acquire it, rather than simply sitting there and fantasizing about it.

For example, Imagine you want to be happy. How does a happy person act? how is their posture? how do they sit? walk, talk? What is the expression on their face most of the time? If you act like this, even when youre aloe, eventually you will become happy.




Ive tried these methods out extensively for myself with immense success. Worth a shot, and I hope you find happiness.

 

[Hotora86]

I have three kids myself: 12 and 10 year old twins. That is to say at one point I had three kids under the age of two. Here’s the thing, parenthood of children that age is not for dads. Our body chemistry is literally maladapted to the demands of those little sociopaths. Moms have a better time with it. I think I was so exhausted I didn’t go to the gym once from the birth of my eldest until his siblings were two.

But once the kids are like 3 to 5, the job of dad starts to become a lot more enjoyable. You’ll teach them to read, teach them sports, when old enough you’ll show them all the movies you like, etc. it gets much better.

Sounds logical and in line with many of the other posts. I'm really looking forward to reading and playing with my son when he's 3. Thanks for your input.

 

[Hotora86]

I didn’t feel instant attachment to my child. I don’t think that’s uncommon at all. They basically just hibernate for 6 weeks and than begin opening their eyes and smiling and stuff.

YES!! Finally someone who understands!

Having a baby is very difficult, especially at the age yours is now, that’s just the reality, they need constant attention, you get 0 sleep, with the pandemic now you can’t even go out for dinner while someone watches him or something, they take basically 90%+ of your time.

Another resounding YES. That's exactly how it is.

The good news is you only have to tough it out for a bit, and than they slowly learn to entertain themselves for longer and longer periods of time, they sleep through the night, etc.

Somebody already mentioned it, but generally mothers are better at dealing with kids at that age than fathers.

No way around it buddy, it sucks for awhile. But only for awhile, and than it’s good.

Thank you very much.

 

[Hellowhosthat]

Thanks man. It did get better after he started smiling and giggling.

"it should be no secret that having kids is not a ticket to instant gratification. It's the opposite." - yes, it SHOULD BE no secret, but I have the impression that nobody ever says that clearly to people who are still on the fence... The fact that parenting sucks is a taboo subject. And dare say that you regret having kids - you'll be ripped to shreds by society!

It's because if you got given a list of the pros and cons of being a parent we'd probably go extinct.

That being said it's somehow all worth it and I'd give my life for my daughter a billion times over.

 

[Hotora86]

glad you talked to your lady when you did. I was wrong about that point.

I know how hard it is with Covid forcing the grandparents and everyone who would be around to help to stay away. I often imagine what it would be like to just have people over all the time who want to help and get you that hour or so break that makes all the difference. It’s one of the harder times in modern day to raise a kid right now if that helps.

The right number of people to raise a baby is not 2, it’s like 3 at least haha.

So true!!
My wife likes to quote a proverb: "it takes a village to raise a child". Tribal people still do that, indigenous people and the like I mean. We all used to do that in prehistoric times. Hell, even modern Italian families sometimes do that - they live all together (3 generations) in large houses instead of the nuclear family in a tiny flat (which is what we do unfortunately).

 

[aries]

Disclaimer: I love my child and I don't intend to abandon him or anything. That being said, I need to vent and if it you think complaining about your wife or kid is unacceptable - GTFO. Yes, #firstworldproblems but "it's still real to me, damn it!"

I never really thought through the idea of having kids. It seemed like something natural, something most people do, not really much of a dilemma. Generally, children have always liked me and would often flock to me ever since I reached my teens - especially kids aged 3 to 10. I'm a single child so perhaps I was unconsciously yearning for a sibling so I never minded hanging out with younger kids. What especially endeared them to me was the fact that I always treated them seriously, almost as equals - kids absolutely love that! Even now, in my 30s, whenever children approach me I never brush them off or ignore them, like some adults do. I listen with care and genuine interest, because sometimes kids really are interesting and smart and speak the simple truths that we, adults, keep forgetting...

Taking all that into account I intended to become a school teacher but my friends and family talked me out of it because, truth be told, a teacher in Eastern Europe earns barely enough money to support himself and is usually sentenced to the job for life, with most of them ending up depressed, disgruntled or alcoholics. I've seen that in the schools I went to. Long story short, I chose finance and management instead and I've been climbing the corporate ladder for the last 10 years. It's not a dream job by any stretch of the imagination but the conditions are decent and so is the pay.

OK, enough background, on to parenting. Like I said, I never gave it much thought. I married a wonderful girl at age 30 and from that day my parents started nagging me about kids. My parents-in-law didn't (as much) but my wife's brother already had kids so we felt some pressure to "catch up". We gave it some time but when my wife's BFF got pregnant she decided it was time for her as well. Surprisingly to us both, pregnancy was a breeze, no issues whatsoever and 17 months ago a healthy and cute little boy was born. That's when shit hit the fan...

My wife was both mentally and physically scarred by the experience and somewhat mistreated by the hospital staff so she developed postpartum depression - and unfortunately so did I. (Yes, men can also get PPD, google it.) We felt like shit parents for the first few months. We couldn't handle the stress and the pressure of responsibility. We're both perfectionists and the chaos that ensued was probably too much for us. We took care of the baby alright, it was well fed and clean and dry etc but we'd just sulk and quarrel constantly. I openly regretted my decision (to have kids) and my wife would be furious whenever I'd mention it. Even worse, my wife loved the little one but I myself could not feel a thing. I was just robotically feeding, cleaning, taking care but feeling emotionally empty inside... I became suicidal at one point. I genuinely went to the top floor in the office building to see if the window could be opened and if there was a clear path for me to drop 10 stories to the ground... it was my wife's birthday and on that day I came home and told her that I contemplated suicide.

Luckily I never submitted to those urges, I abhorred them and did the right thing - went to therapy. The psychologist really helped me, she told me that some men don't develop feelings for their child from day one - and that it was OK. I needed time and help - and I got both. I climbed out of depression and even arranged therapy for my wife - which also helped her. We were able to go on.

Unfortunately this is not the "happy ending". The last 17 months in general has still been insanely hard for both of us. We were both very active before pregnancy - we'd go out, do sports, travel, read a lot, watch movies together etc. All of this vanished - no more dining, no sports, no travel, no time for movies, only audiobooks or podcasts give us some intellectual entertainment during the incessant cleaning. My wife ended up with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and turned into Jabba the Hut with constant mood swings, similar to permanent PMS. My bad back got worse, old injuries came back, even ones I never knew I had. I was always the calm and patient one in our duet but I find myself in fits of rage or depressed more and more often as time passes. And to cap it off, my parents (who were the ones so obsessed with getting a grandchild) were supposed to move countries to live closer to us but have postponed that indefinitely - first due to their oh-so-important day jobs and now due to the pandemic. They visited us TWICE in 17 months.

I'm happy to say that our son is healthy and quick-witted - but this surprisingly often becomes a problem for us. He is constantly reaching for stuff he isn't supposed to touch, getting through any blockade or obstruction we set up to keep him out of danger. He even climbs fucking furniture! Apart from that he is moody, gets annoyed quickly, is VERY loud (even the pediatrician says so) and makes a huge mess out of anything he can get his hands on. The cleaning, wiping, vacuuming, washing and sweeping NEVER ENDS, it's like 90% of what we do every day. Some parents just let their kids run amok and live in a pigsty but we just can't. And don't get me started on the lack of sleep...

Anyway, I woke up to the sound of screams today (as every day) and during my son's third change of clothes within 2 hrs I got really angry with him and with this whole deal. My wife noticed and, though very disgruntled by my behavior, took him out for a walk in the stroller. So I took the PC and went on Sherdog to vent. I guess I'm done now and I feel a bit calmer.

So, am I a shit parent or do you Sherdads have the same feelings sometimes?
Let me know and thanks for reading to the very end - I admire your attention span.

Fuck me, you have seriously put me off having a kid.

 

[Wadtucket]

What i got out of this is that you banged Jabba the Hutt and blew out your back

All in all not too bad

 

[Hadron90]

I'm really sorry to hear that, OP. It sounds really tough. I just had my son born 4 days ago. Things are going great for us, but this seems like the wrong time to bring that up. I really hope that maybe as your little one grows out of the stage where they need constant attention from you, things will smooth out.

As for your wife blowing up, look no one stays hot forever. It may have happened sooner than you like, but all of us are doomed to be ugly old people. Women only get like 20 years of their life where they are fuckable. The other 60 they are either in the -zone, or are saggy old Karen's. That's just true whether they have kids or not.

 

[Hotora86]

Its hard to work out. Luckily my wife also appreciates some alone time so i went moose hunting for a week. Maybe you guys should talk about havjng some free time/space for a few days or hours of a day at times where you guys can focus on your own self. Especially during covid and lots being at home stuck together its a lot of personal space invasion. My wife went nuts until she could go back to work, and thankfully she can work through winter.

Covid + no personal space + a kid is a recipe for disputes and no self care. You cant care for a child as good as you should without focusing on yourselves as well. And kids do pick up on this even if it doesnt seem so.

I totally agree. I'd love to go back to the office but it's closed and we're working from home until June at the very least. Makes it real hard to balance things.

"My time" is when the wife takes the little one for a walk - about 1-2 hrs. That's when I get most of my work done. "Her time" is when I put our son to bed. I close the bedroom door and stroke him until he falls asleep - takes about 1 hr. I also let the wife take a long bath alone every other day while I keep our son occupied. Other than that we have no "alone time" unfortunately.

 

[Badger67]

I totally agree. I'd love to go back to the office but it's closed and we're working from home until June at the very least. Makes it real hard to balance things.

"My time" is when the wife takes the little one for a walk - about 1-2 hrs. That's when I get most of my work done. "Her time" is when I put our son to bed. I close the bedroom door and stroke him until he falls asleep - takes about 1 hr. I also let the wife take a long bath alone every other day while I keep our son occupied. Other than that we have no "alone time" unfortunately.

Even that isnt a lot of time to yourself or each other.

 

[Plastikman_Eire]

Bs men don’t start loving their children like moms. They probably start more. Women are cold, dude, they had to be to make up fur their strength deficiencies over the eons.

But yeah what you said is ridiculous. Women are generally more cold towards children than men, in functioning and evolved societies. In single mother communities you get the most child abuse, and that’s a medical fact.

Gonna need a source for these medical "facts" chief.

 

[Dana's Moonface]

Man the fuck up dude

I have a non verbal autistic 6 year old boy (my av) and believe me, he is hard work at times

We can not do a lot of things together, as our child is very dependant of us. He can't (won't)self feed and he would just run out in front of a car in an instant if you take eye off him

He loves going to grandparents, but no chance would he stay overnight, as he is very much in his routine

It's certainly not all bad. He is mostly a happy boy, but takes terrible meltdowns and finds it hard to Express what he wants or feels due to being non verbal

However, I still see it as a blessing and me and my wife just accept it's our duty to look after his every need

Do I wake up mornings and wish someone had a gun to my head? Yes I do, but then I remember it isn't about me and I do what I can for my kid

 

[Bacco]

Best of luck to you - if you really want a child then go for it. But be warned, shit ain't easy.

I don't doubt. I'm not minimizing the burden, i'm well aware is complete life-change as i seen first hand my parents doing great sacrifices to raise me and even if they really wanted to do another, they chosen to don't as back then they would have not be able to give decent standards of living to 2 kids
But still, seems something that's worth the sacrifice as it give life a meaning
As now we have comfort life, we have nice home, we can travel the world and good shit like that, but the perspective of become one day an old couple without sons feels empty af to me.

And another warning - if your girl does not want a child and you force her to have one it may end up in disaster for you all.
Sorry if being pessimistic, just cautioning.

And i very much agree with this too
That's the reason i see it pretty much as a two directions thing: either we tackle reality and she wake up realizing life wait nobody no matter what and time is not infinite, or i see myself break it despite the good life she's giving me
I would not make a son with one that don't want be a mother, a good mother is the most important thing a kid should have