- Joined
- Jun 20, 2012
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It's no secret that I have a lot of issues. I've posted a lot of personal things here and I guess today is just another one of those days. I don't trust many people because I've been stabbed in the back so many times over this kind of thing, but I honestly just don't even care anymore. I don't have anybody to actually talk to so whatever I'll write shit here.
Before people talk down on me about using drugs, I haven't had anything for a few weeks now and have no wish to go back to it again. I'm done with it because I've relied on it for nearly 7 years and it's truly the reason I'm such a fuck up. I started taking it years ago to cope with some other issues I had without understanding what I was getting into. I thought I had a problem and self-medicated to get my mind off of it, but in reality I was just creating a problem, a real problem and it made me lose almost a decade of my life. Having to rely on those stupid pills just to feel normal always pissed me off. I hated myself more every time I took something.
Today, I'm basically to the point where I don't really even care about being alive. I haven't lived in years, I've just existed. I hate having to sometimes contemplate stealing food to get by, sometimes actually doing it because I can't really ask anybody for help. I have no family. I've said that here many times. I've always been the black sheep of my so called family, long before I started taking pain pills, long before I dropped out of school, before I ever really had any problems. I can't even call to ask if I could get food off of literally any of my family members because apparently that's a problem and it's literally always been this way. Addicted to drugs or not, it never would've mattered because they were always against me for some strange reason. They're the same way with my dad and that's the worst part because he never did anything to anyone. Always helped them when they needed it but they can't ever help him out, always excuses from them.
I'm trying to get on ODSP right now so I can get my own place as soon as possible, then go work somewhere for a year and then get a job at the place my brother is at. Or maybe not go to where my brother is at because at the same time I honestly just want to disappear. I feel like cutting ties with every single person in my family, literally all of them. It's all my own fault and I know that. I'm not blaming other people for my problems, this is all because of my own bad decisions (besides my family treating me like shit from the get go, like I said, even before drugs and dropping out of school they always hated me). I'm hoping to finally get things in order at least a little bit within the next few months because these things take awhile. Once I can (somehow) get my own place no matter how shitty it is, I just want to fucking disappear. It's too much for me to handle anymore. It's become overwhelming for me.
I've always kept everything inside because like I said, I don't really trust anybody because I've been fucked over way too much, but I'm at the point of somehow getting everybody in my family together and finally telling them what I actually think. It's not like it'd make any difference to them, but I'd love to somehow be able to get them all together and tell them how fake they are. They'd rather have me out on the street than to even stay at one of their places for one single day. I hate them all. What really pissed me off about them was when my dad was in the hospital with pneumonia, very close to dying and they all showed up. Suddenly they care when he's on the verge of possibly dying. I so badly wanted to tell them all off because I knew that if he recovered, they'd all just fuck off again and act like they're better than us. One of these days I have to let them know. I'm tired of all the pretending.
Before somebody says it - I'm not looking for help, I'm not looking for any sympathy or anything. Like I said, sometimes you need to get shit out. I have nobody to really talk to and for the most part this place is anonymous. There's quite a few people here that know who I am but I'm fine with that because the people that do know me, I trust them enough to tell them practically anything. Sometimes I just need to get it all out there, though. I'm tired of life even though I haven't actually lived for about 7 years. I destroyed myself and I'm finally at the point where I'm going to try to make things better for me. There's so much more I want to say but hey, this is already too long since people hate reading so much, understandably. I'm depressed to the point it's not just feeling oh so sad, it's to the point of not feeling anything at all anymore. I'm numb to pretty much anything. I have zero joy in life. I haven't been happy for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little kid I've been this way, I don't know why.
Yes I do need help, but the help I need is really not out there. I've seen so many psychiatrists, therapists, whatever the fuck they're called and it never helped me. Ever since I was a kid, I've seen so many of them and it never helped. I'm just.. this way. I'm naturally just like this. Some of us are just unlucky and our brains don't work the way they should I guess.
I'm likely going to regret posting this later, but oh well. Hate away, Sherdog. I had to get it out.
In 3 months time, I will update this shit to show that I'm in a better spot. I promise that and I know some of you will remember that I said this, so feel free to bring it up when the time comes.
Before people talk down on me about using drugs, I haven't had anything for a few weeks now and have no wish to go back to it again. I'm done with it because I've relied on it for nearly 7 years and it's truly the reason I'm such a fuck up. I started taking it years ago to cope with some other issues I had without understanding what I was getting into. I thought I had a problem and self-medicated to get my mind off of it, but in reality I was just creating a problem, a real problem and it made me lose almost a decade of my life. Having to rely on those stupid pills just to feel normal always pissed me off. I hated myself more every time I took something.
Today, I'm basically to the point where I don't really even care about being alive. I haven't lived in years, I've just existed. I hate having to sometimes contemplate stealing food to get by, sometimes actually doing it because I can't really ask anybody for help. I have no family. I've said that here many times. I've always been the black sheep of my so called family, long before I started taking pain pills, long before I dropped out of school, before I ever really had any problems. I can't even call to ask if I could get food off of literally any of my family members because apparently that's a problem and it's literally always been this way. Addicted to drugs or not, it never would've mattered because they were always against me for some strange reason. They're the same way with my dad and that's the worst part because he never did anything to anyone. Always helped them when they needed it but they can't ever help him out, always excuses from them.
I'm trying to get on ODSP right now so I can get my own place as soon as possible, then go work somewhere for a year and then get a job at the place my brother is at. Or maybe not go to where my brother is at because at the same time I honestly just want to disappear. I feel like cutting ties with every single person in my family, literally all of them. It's all my own fault and I know that. I'm not blaming other people for my problems, this is all because of my own bad decisions (besides my family treating me like shit from the get go, like I said, even before drugs and dropping out of school they always hated me). I'm hoping to finally get things in order at least a little bit within the next few months because these things take awhile. Once I can (somehow) get my own place no matter how shitty it is, I just want to fucking disappear. It's too much for me to handle anymore. It's become overwhelming for me.
I've always kept everything inside because like I said, I don't really trust anybody because I've been fucked over way too much, but I'm at the point of somehow getting everybody in my family together and finally telling them what I actually think. It's not like it'd make any difference to them, but I'd love to somehow be able to get them all together and tell them how fake they are. They'd rather have me out on the street than to even stay at one of their places for one single day. I hate them all. What really pissed me off about them was when my dad was in the hospital with pneumonia, very close to dying and they all showed up. Suddenly they care when he's on the verge of possibly dying. I so badly wanted to tell them all off because I knew that if he recovered, they'd all just fuck off again and act like they're better than us. One of these days I have to let them know. I'm tired of all the pretending.
Before somebody says it - I'm not looking for help, I'm not looking for any sympathy or anything. Like I said, sometimes you need to get shit out. I have nobody to really talk to and for the most part this place is anonymous. There's quite a few people here that know who I am but I'm fine with that because the people that do know me, I trust them enough to tell them practically anything. Sometimes I just need to get it all out there, though. I'm tired of life even though I haven't actually lived for about 7 years. I destroyed myself and I'm finally at the point where I'm going to try to make things better for me. There's so much more I want to say but hey, this is already too long since people hate reading so much, understandably. I'm depressed to the point it's not just feeling oh so sad, it's to the point of not feeling anything at all anymore. I'm numb to pretty much anything. I have zero joy in life. I haven't been happy for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little kid I've been this way, I don't know why.
Yes I do need help, but the help I need is really not out there. I've seen so many psychiatrists, therapists, whatever the fuck they're called and it never helped me. Ever since I was a kid, I've seen so many of them and it never helped. I'm just.. this way. I'm naturally just like this. Some of us are just unlucky and our brains don't work the way they should I guess.
I'm likely going to regret posting this later, but oh well. Hate away, Sherdog. I had to get it out.
In 3 months time, I will update this shit to show that I'm in a better spot. I promise that and I know some of you will remember that I said this, so feel free to bring it up when the time comes.
