How's this logline?

[LATEXXX COMMANDO]

After the help of a good sherbro by the name of @INTERL0PER, I took his feedback to heart and worked on all the things to improve my script. So big thanks to him.

I'm going to submit my screenplay into a contest and the one thing I forgot to create was a logline. I was wondering what you guys think of this:

"A teenager and group of his friends, team up to find his missing sister. Unfortunately all clues lead to an old house with a bloodthirsty witch as its occupant."

 

[Eazy123]

After the help of a good sherbro by the name of @INTERL0PER, I took his feedback to heart and worked on all the things to improve my script. So big thanks to him.

I'm going to submit my screenplay into a contest and the one thing I forgot to create was a logline. I was wondering what you guys think of this:
"A teenager and group of his friends, team up to find his missing sister. Unfortunately all clues lead to an old house with a bloodthirsty witch as its occupant."

I'm no expert but have to read movie synopses a lot at work. I'd word it not much differently but:

"A teenager and group of friends team up to find his missing sister. To their misfortune, all clues lead to an old house with a bloodthirsty occupant."

I'd leave the witch part out personally because bloodthirsty by itself leaves more to the imagination. I saw the word witch and thought "oh boy another Blair witch project."

 

[faustian]

"Bill Duke and his MAGA squad search for a missing skank. Nancy Pelosi ensues."

 

[snakedafunky]

"A busty teen and her big booty friends are looking for her missing stepsister. Fortunately, all of the clues lead to a house with a cock hungry milf as its occupan."

 

[ScarHead]

"In a world full of misery and despair, all wildlife has been extinct for dozens of years until a group of young kids discover a remaining baby bird in the forest.

Join them as they embark on an epic journey that will include :

- Birds

- Giant Boss Bird Battle

And EVEN MORE BIRDS"

 

[LATEXXX COMMANDO]

I'm no expert but have to read movie synopses a lot at work. I'd word it not much differently but:

"A teenager and group of friends team up to find his missing sister. To their misfortune, all clues lead to an old house with a bloodthirsty occupant."

I'd leave the witch part out personally because bloodthirsty by itself leaves more to the imagination. I saw the word witch and thought "oh boy another Blair witch project."

Thanks man.

What do you do for work?

 

[Joe Wong]

"Bill Duke and his MAGA squad search for a missing skank. Nancy Pelosi ensues."

Hi, Bud!

 

[INTERL0PER]

Nice work bro. I agree with Eazy123. Ditch the witch. A little more ambiguous, but still clearly describes it.

But to be honest, I've always been fucking terrible at log lines etc.