Relationship How to help someone out of an abusive marriage?

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jcc3508

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Just asking for a friend of a friend.

Let's say this friend of ours is completely trapped in a toxic/abusive relationship with her now husband from their early adulthood. The partner of our friend, is a violent, verbally abusive, toxic person with known mental health issues. Not to justify the partner but he is a person that as a child was in and out of foster care, is an orphan, spent time in juvie and was in and out of prison so carries a lot of trauma which contributes to our friend feeling guilty about leaving them.

Our friend has four kids and is pregnant with #5. She has been out of the workforce for more than a decade, has strained family relationships as they have completely lost faith in her. The family has lost all faith and hope and they now have an estranged relationship, barely communicate.

Now the problem is, how do you help a person that feels so trapped and controlled that sees no way out, what even resources are available? What can be done if anything? She has no family to lie upon and no place to start when it comes of taking care of 5 kids on her own, nor has the courage to believe that the husband won't kill her if she leaves him. What can be done?
 
Fla graplr said:
1moa should do the trick
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We dont have more than circumstantial evidence but its likely the last two were result of him raping her. She will never admit to that though. So its likely they'll keep having more.
 
You can't.

If she wants out and is willing to take steps or ASKING YOU for help, then maybe, until then, you can't.

You can not fix other people's problems that they aren't trying to fix themselves.
 
Tell her to stop getting pregnant would have been a start.

From the way you describe it she's caught between a rock and a hard place.

Sadly for her prospects don't look good either way, short term at least.
 
jeff7b9 said:
You can't.

If she wants out and is willing to take steps or ASKING YOU for help, then maybe, until then, you can't.

You can not fix other people's problems that they aren't trying to fix themselves.
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But this person is not currently equipped to be a good judge of that. That doesnt mean that just nothing can be done! So she is just doomed forever?
 
There is nothing you can do about it.

Also, let me add...

There is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

Hope I made it clear.
Look, I know you just want to help out someone in a horrible situation, but unless she makes an effort to leave, it's hopeless. If her family and hell, the abuse can't get her to leave what're you gonna do?

Furthermore, she's now financially dependent on him, it's a wrap. And unless he's abusing the kids that's a different story, but, she's an adult and will make her own decisions. If you want you can give her resources to reach out to. That's it.
 
Firstly, the fifth kid needs to be put up for adoption, so that they have a chance at a stable home, love and a life away from guaranteed strife. The problem is, if you or anyone broaches the subject, there is a possibility — based upon the brief history you’ve presented in the OP — of her becoming angry.

Secondly, she needs to repair her relationship with her family, or, possibly, someone else close to the family needs to intervene and explain the dire nature of her situation. It might be a tough task, especially if they’re not equipped, either. She’s going to need a lot of help moving forward, possibly a place to crash for awhile.

Thirdly, the friend group will have to step up in a way that isn’t fair, at least until she can get on her feet a bit, because the woman needs to get away from her husband, no matter what. Yes, he might crash and burn, the likelihood is good, but sometimes these guys slip through the fence, never truly have to face the consequences of their actions (in this case, you can bet on it). So, better to be proactive — you don’t want to end up in the local paper over something preventable, where every person within their circle goes ‘I’m not surprised’.
 
Alphaboy said:
Sadly, yes.
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I refuse to accept this.

What would a social worker, a psychologist, or a sociologist say about this? This would also be their stance? "Nothing can be done"....

Sorry for being insistent but one has to truly believe that there's always an out to any situation. And or at least a slow and painful small steps that can be taken.

If someone is depressed and suicidal youre just supposed to let them die because they dont want to help themselves?
 
Don't bother. This friend will just get angry at you. These types of things have to just play out naturally. Stay away and watch it burn from afar.
 
jcc3508 said:
But this person is not currently equipped to be a good judge of that. That doesnt mean that just nothing can be done! So she is just doomed forever?
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Pretty much.

You could ask her if she WANTS help or wants to end her marriage or seek to improve it.

Until she wishes to take action you can realistically do:

A) Jack
B) Shit


If you take action without her wishing you to do so you are most likely to lose a friend and get her beat up.
 
jcc3508 said:
If someone is depressed and suicidal youre just supposed to let them die because they dont want to help themselves?
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I'd probably get them committed if it meant saving their life. In your case, you can't forcibly get her out of that situation.

jcc3508 said:
What would a social worker, a psychologist, or a sociologist say about this? This would also be their stance? "Nothing can be done"....
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No. There are resources for women in these situations, but if the person is unwilling you can't do much.

It's the same way with drug addicts. If they're not ready to get "clean," all of the begging, interventions, "tough love," etc. in the world isn't gonna do anything. You can lead them to help but they must accept it.

Again, the woman's case is especially difficult. If the guy disappeared into thin air tomorrow and no one was harming her, what would she do? She likely can't leave because she is financially dependent. Many abusers keep the abused completely financially dependent on them, and isolate them from their family and friends for this reason.
 
jcc3508 said:
I refuse to accept this.

What would a social worker, a psychologist, or a sociologist say about this? This would also be their stance? "Nothing can be done"....

Sorry for being insistent but one has to truly believe that there's always an out to any situation. And or at least a slow and painful small steps that can be taken.

If someone is depressed and suicidal youre just supposed to let them die because they dont want to help themselves?
Click to expand...

You could offer to support her and her 5 children financially and emotionally for the next 18 years......
 
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