Currently, I roll around intermediately with former wrestling or grappling-interested compadres in my spare time and during the school year, attend a very cool newazza-centric judo dojo. Well, as alot of you know, I used to wrestle in high school and middle school and dabbled in a bit of freestyle during college. So when I first went to the dojo, I actually did pretty well against the more experienced members of the dojo, using what I'd picked up on from the bits and pieces of submission-grappling I've been exposed to(mostly from watching MMA of course but also from a brief time where I trained with a pro-fighter who was preparing to fight with a wrestler in--I believe--Danger Zone, though I have to say he taught me precious little) and above all, my basic wrestling takedowns. I didn't go throw for throw barely at all...closest I came when I first started attending to even TRYING a throw was baiting them with an overhook to set up a fireman's. Eventually, however, some of the concerned blackbelts realized that even though my propensity to shoot takedowns made me a much more competitive randori(sparring) partner for them, I wasn't learning the judo throws for jack. So anyway, they decided that until I started getting the throws down, I wasn't to go shooting takedowns, even the fireman's. I was just to focus on learning the throws. This shit was definitely frustrating as hell and at points I even considered skipping all the practices that focused on stand-up and simply attending the newazza-centered ones. Through all this though, there was a particularly cool teacher that was always there to give me advice and help in my struggles to become a judoka. One particularly cool memory is when during a match, I was working for the rear choke on a friendly rival of mine, only for him to defend competently enough that I doubted whether or not I could sink before being forced to stand-up by the referee. My coach talked me through it and I actually managed to sink the choke and tap him. Well, the whole point of this ramble is that one day in practice, I was pissed and frustrated about women issues, school issues, everything...and then, when randori began, found my frustrations coupled by my incompetency at throwing. So...me and my coach find ourselves matched up...and suddenly I'm like..."Fuck it." And I just started working for whatever takedowns I can get, hitting several and on one occasion managing to get in a rear-naked on him. Afterwards though...I kind of felt like a horse's ass. Here was a guy who'd worked with me, who'd stuck with me when I was a total newbie to judo...who always did his best to give me confidence and what not...and somehow, I felt like I had betrayed him. Like...I was showing him that I didn't like or respect him enough to allow myself to go throw for throw with him like I was supposed to (remember, they'd banned me from takedowns so I could learn the throws) and get dominated but that I saw him as an opponent that I'd do anything to take out. One of my coaches was watching and basically told me--man to man, in private--that he thought what I did was the equivalent of a temper tantrum and that I should have the humility to allow myself to be put in situations where I may have to get my ass-kicked using unfamiliar techniques in order to learn. I definitely feel like what I did WAS immature on some level...as though I had somehow shown a lack of honor, respect and maturity. My roommate--who was also into grappling and wrestling and attended the dojo with me--was actually like, "Fuck that shit. They just don't want us to be able to compete with them because we're white belts." I don't know...what do you all think? I suppose its pretty clear I was in the wrong...but do you think what I did constituted a level of "dishonor" or even betrayal of my coach?