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His pain

StonedLemur

Chief of Sherbro Island
@plutonium
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The pain came in a box, and inside were all the times he was disappointed.
All the times he had his heart broken by her... always her.
She came and went like a breeze, like a wind that nobody could stop, and when she did...she took his heart.

Specifically, it seems malicious...and all those times she was running, she was running from herself...she needs help.

Help that he can't give, nor could he ever...his love...forever.
Spiraling down her own hateful hole she doesn't seem to care about anyone, not even for herself.

She's a broken toy in her broken box, she's as cunning as a wolf as slick as a fox...but even she can't out maneuver herself.

The woman is beyond reproach.

He sits in his chair losing his hair, the tears have run a channel into his cheeks.
He feels weak...he feels worn like a carpet that's been traveled too much.
She took all that he was, or will ever be.

His heart, it gave out one day waiting for his angel to return... cigarette hits the floor and then he burned.
The fire cleansed that house, and all the ghosts that resided there.

She never returned, not even for his funeral, but she was out there, willing to do it again.
An out of control whirlwind, she spins.
She doesn't care who or what she ruins in her wake... filthy jezebel.


~SL
 
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Sitting at home during that Pandemic really fucked some people man…
 
I understand this is meant to be stream of thought, but the punctuation is jarring and reminds me that I'm reading something instead of experiencing it. Also, an ellipsis can be powerful, but when overused it looks like Morse Code and is distracting.

https://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/search.epl?q=ellipsis&site=cmosfaq&search_edition=16

My real problem sometimes is I write the way I would perform them on stage sir.

I don't always do it but it is what it is.
Sorry for that.
 
Hmm, I'm not sure what I'm feeling on this one.

I'm not feeling much sympathy for the protagonist, he's been burnt (pun intended) time and time again and it's hard to blame her when she's presented as broken as he is. If my house keeps flooding I can't curse the river, I either move or get used to wet feet.

Love's a bitch, and I see those last two words as showing the very thin line between love and hate. Two similar emotions that can be all consuming and obsessive.
 
Hmm, I'm not sure what I'm feeling on this one.

I'm not feeling much sympathy for the protagonist, he's been burnt (pun intended) time and time again and it's hard to blame her when she's presented as broken as he is. If my house keeps flooding I can't curse the river, I either move or get used to wet feet.

Love's a bitch, and I see those last two words as showing the very thin line between love and hate. Two similar emotions that can be all consuming and obsessive.

Yeah I wanted to try one where both people didn't really deserve sympathy...but empathy.
Im not even sure they deserve that actually lol.

"If my house keeps flooding I can't curse the river, I either move or get used to wet feet." ....love this btw.
 
It was intended to be constructive criticism, not a shot at you. When I first started writing I was all over the place with ellipses and commas.

I have been writing for 28 years lol.

I perform them on stage occasionally and sometimes I get caught up in how I would pause and such.
 
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