Funny "tactical" stuff

[Jory]

It's not the use of spades in the military I find questionable, but the idea of a specialized combat spade with corresponding combat spade tactics. Also the idea of an even more specialized special forces combat spade, distinguished from the regular combat spade.

Your original question didn't make that clear.

I suppose there are shovels, and their are lightweight, compact shovels that can also be used as weapons in a pinch.

But really 99% of this is bullshit is branding and marketing gimmicks.

"Best not to think too hard about it" is probably the corporate motto.

 

[j123]

Your original question didn't make that clear.

I suppose there are shovels, and their are lightweight, compact shovels that can also be used as weapons in a pinch.

But really 99% of this is bullshit is branding and marketing gimmicks.

"Best not to think too hard about it" is probably the corporate motto.

That's funny, because any inanimate object can fulfill this criteria. Hell a brick to the head while blindsided would probably kill someone.

 

[Jory]

That's funny, because any inanimate object can fulfill this criteria. Hell a brick to the head while blindsided would probably kill someone.

Right? Although one of my former supervisors got smashed in the temple with a brick by a psychiatric patient and lived. She just had mild brain damage.

But there were a list of criteria I gave: Shovel. Lightweight. Compact. Improvised weapon.

I would add durable as well.


A levallois-shaped stone can probably satisfy most of those criteria, the right tool is optimized between all of them.

 

[Combat Squirrel]

I've always wondered about guys who buy high powered tactical flashlights for 100-200$. I understand the original purpose, but unless you're a SWAT or Navy Seal, a low powered flashlight for 10$ will be the preferable choice 99% of the time.


Tactical dog tag knife
Tactical comb knife
Tactical handcuffs (As opposed to the regular ones for the bedroom, I guess...)


EDIT

Also worth mentioning are "tactical watches" of the G-Shock type. Everything they do, a post 1995 cell phone does better. Except maybe repelling chicks.

 

[Cmart]

Cold Steel, though I like a few of their knives and won a couple, has some silly gizmos that pander to the weirdos out there. They have a tactical baseball bat. Their promo video shows its break resistance by having a fat guy jump up and down on it.

 

[Combat Squirrel]

I think I saw that in a YT video some time ago. From what I understand, it's basically a regular (black) baseball bat, except if you use it to defend yourself, it will look 100x more dubious in court, because it's from a weapon company.

Semi-related, here's how I imagine the average tactical gear customer:

[YT]wAkCLpMtjlM[/YT]

 

[j123]

I think I saw that in a YT video some time ago. From what I understand, it's basically a regular (black) baseball bat, except if you use it to defend yourself, it will look 100x more dubious in court, because it's from a weapon company.

Semi-related, here's how I imagine the average tactical gear customer:

[YT]wAkCLpMtjlM[/YT]

Please tell me that channel is a troll/satire channel.

Burglars would jack his shit and outrun him before he's gassed within seconds.

 

[These Two Hands]

[YT]wAkCLpMtjlM[/YT]

What the fuck? Have you seen this guy's "lowlander sword" video... Wow. MSG is a hell of a drug.

 

[These Two Hands]

I have some ideas for tactical self and home defense products:

Tactical vagina dentata (rectal version available at extra cost)

Tactical finger and toenail sharpening templates

Tactical armored perambulating infant vehicle (stroller)

Tactical Pez dispenser

Tactical Preparation H

Tactical Tank holster/carrybag (for carrying around your Sherman tank when you're out and about on foot)

Tactical tar and Tactical feathers (for tarring and feathering assailants)

Tactical Zombie repellent spray (does it work? Well I don't see any zombies around here, do you?)

Tactical Menagerie (comes with six elephants, a zebra and panther. Alligators sold separately. All in an easy to carry belt pouch)

Tactical Pouch pouches (for carrying extra pouches in)

Tactical Crayons (a full box of black crayons)

Tactical Risperidone (99% of the "tacticool" market probably need to be buying and using this product)


ETA: Oh, I thought of another one: Tactical adult diapers. Loaded with a CO2 cartridge-powered shite launcher, tactical precision scope with infrared laser dot targeting systems (and fancy beep boop noises) and a speculum complete with high powered tactical flashlight to really psychologically scar your assailant.

 

[These Two Hands]

it's basically a regular (black) baseball bat, except if you use it to defend yourself, it will look 100x more dubious in court, because it's from a weapon company.

That reminds me of how once when a friend was around and saw my shillelagh. He started going on about how awesome it was because you could just act like it was just a walking stick and the cops would never suspect blah blah blah.

I just looked at him and pointed out if the other guy has his face and body all cracked up like he's been knocked around with a stick, and I'm standing there with a stick in my hand they're not going to give a shit what I tell them it's for. Not to mention it's not hard to find out I'm involved with a group who train bataireacht, so if I actually knocked six shades of shite out of some poor bastard I'm just going to get in worse trouble.

 

[Combat Squirrel]

Even if you use an actual walking stick, how are you going to explain to the judge why you were carrying one anyway?

Assuming you're not an old man.

 

[j123]

Even if you use an actual walking stick, how are you going to explain to the judge why you were carrying one anyway?

Assuming you're not an old man.

 

[These Two Hands]

Please tell me that channel is a troll/satire channel.

Burglars would jack his shit and outrun him before he's gassed within seconds.

Don't you mean "buwglaws..."

 

[These Two Hands]

Even if you use an actual walking stick, how are you going to explain to the judge why you were carrying one anyway?

Assuming you're not an old man.

Precisely. I prefer a good set of dusters; there haven't been a lot of situations I wasn't able to punch my way out of with 'em so far, and they're not conspicuous. Also cheap to produce, so if you have to ditch it before the cops arrive it's no big deal.

Maybe I should get some tactical dusters, with precision 1,000,000,000,000x zoom and high powered Delta Force SWAT laser targeting systems...

 

[Combat Squirrel]

Precisely. I prefer a good set of dusters

???

 

[These Two Hands]

???

I legit lol'd

 

[Combat Squirrel]

^ I seriously just realized you meant knuckle dusters.

But I'm not sure it's a great idea to "ditch them before the cops arrive", because the marks on the victim will be obvious and in 90% of self-defense situations, there will be at least one person able to identify you as the attacker.

Now explain that to the judge. Carrying and using a notorious "gang weapon", that is illegal in most places, and then trying to cover it up.

 

[These Two Hands]

^ I seriously just realized you meant knuckle dusters.

But I'm not sure it's a great idea to "ditch them before the cops arrive", because the marks on the victim will be obvious and in 90% of self-defense situations, there will be at least one person able to identify you as the attacker.

Now explain that to the judge. Carrying and using a notorious "gang weapon", that is illegal in most places, and then trying to cover it up.

I've managed to utilize my creative literature skills pretty (wait for it) tactically so far but yes I usually try to not be there by the time cops are showing up.

 

[Combat Squirrel]

You get into street fights with weapons regularly?

 

[These Two Hands]

I used to be an intemperate and violent person when I was younger, and happened to come up in an environment in which most other young men were also intemperate and violent people. So, yeah I used to quite a bit.

Now I just train as a hobby and prefer to use verbal de-escalation and nonviolent means whenever possible. The fact that I'm ageing and have old injuries etc. means I sometimes do still keep dusters on me, but only for the purpose of using them to create an opening to exit a situation - a one hitter quitter and I'm running before they hit the ground kind of a thing - and I rarely have had to use them in my later days.