There's this girl I used to work with 13 years ago. She was deeply in love with me. We worked at a fast food restaurant, i was the manager and she was an employee. I was only 16 or 17 at the time, she was a year younger.
I portayed this fake image of myself, that i was the coolest guy ever, and got with tons of girls, when the reality is, i had never even kissed a girl. This fake self image prevented me from ever being her boyfriend, because i was scared my fake image would be revealed.
Plus i was afraid what other people would think of me being with her. She was cute, but she wasn't a 10, and my ego wouldn't let me go out with a girl that was not a 10, even though i am probably a 5 or 6.
We used to do dumb things kids would do. We would flirt with each other all the time while working, we would work late hours and after i closed the store we would sneak up to the rooftop and smoke weed together.
I can still remember the way she would stare in to my eyes, almost desperate for me to make a move on her which she would willingly accept, but i never did.
Word got around that she was in love with me (her first love). I remember the day i put in my notice to quit. She begged me not to go, she cried, she would have done anything for me to stay.
Being the asshole i was, i didn't even show up for my last shift, and i heard i made some of the staff cry because i was well liked and they were upset i would do that, just leave as if none of them ever meant anything to me. (i had worked there 2 years, which is an eternity at that age).
I was told it had a big effect on her and that it took a long time for her to get over me. Years later i had seen her on a bus. I could tell she was excited to see me. We talked until my stop and it was time to go.
She asked if i wanted to hang out some time, i said yes. She wrote her number down, and i went to take it from her. She pulled her hand back and said, "don't take it if you're never going to call".
I said i would call, But i never did. I lead her on once again.
More years had passed and i saw her working in a store one day. I went to the register and she knew who i was. She was still happy to see me. She instantly recalled our last meeting on the bus and i felt bad. We had a brief conversation but this time we never exchanged numbers.
I had not seen her since that day, until today. I saw her at a store, we were both getting lunch 30mins ago. I was hoping she wouldn't recognize me but she kept staring for about a minute, then she asked if it was me. I told her it was, she asked if i remembered her.
My mind was blank. I knew exactly who she was but i was almost in a shocked state of mind, i could not remember her name. I could see the disappointment on her face and she said "youre breaking my heart".
She told me her name, i felt like an idiot for not being able to remember, because i remember everything about her, everything weve been through over the years. In that moment i just went blank.
She ordered her food and left.
I wanted to tell her the truth but i couldn't. That my issues were the reason we were never together, and that i was sorry for what i put her through. Because the truth is, im not some cool playboy who had tons of girls.
The truth would shock her.
The real truth is that i never met a girl and to this day ive never been on a date or had a girlfriend. As the years went on i became more and more introverted and reclusive. as i got older the insecurity and embarrassment of never meeting a girl caused me to push everyone away. I couldn't imagine having to explain to a girl that i was.. Inexperienced, and reveal my true self.
For this reason ive lived a life of solitude and depression. I rarely go outside and i spend almost all of my time alone except for when i hang out with my one remaining friend.
I almost feel like i subconsciously put myself in this situation for being a terrible person when i was young, punishing myself and living the life i feel like i deserve, i did a lot of bad things as a teenager.
I may never see her again, who knows, she was the only girl who ever has, and probably ever will love me, and i treated her terribly.
I just wanted to tell her the truth because she deserved it. Its been 13 years since we met, maybe it doesn't even matter anymore, yet still when i look in her eyes i see the same girl i let down all those years ago. I see something in her eyes everytime i see her, its like what could have been if you had just given me a chance.
I know she will always remember me, but she will never know the truth about the whole situation. The personal problems and issues i had that prevented us from being together, and the path it has led me down to this day.
Im sure people will say im a loser, poor and gay or whatever, but i
Just needed to get that off my chest.