bro how much money do you have saved up? Please, before you attempt to harm yourself again, buy a 1000cc sportbike. It may sound stupid but no shit I dare you to get one a bike and not smile. take a week or shit a month off work and hone in your riding abilities and then hit some backroads.
have you ever experienced MDMA? hit up the darkweb and buy some and take a hefty dose.
try both of those before you do anything. please. I'm not going to say it will instantly make everything go away, but it may be the spark that ignites the beauty of life showing its self to you.
there was a time not too long ago where I was standing on a ledge, literally not figuratively. Makes me want to cry now thinking about what I would have missed out on.
I for one am really glad you stuck around buddy.
You're on to something here. You're obviously passionate about riding sport bikes because of the feeling it gives you. Finding something you're passionate about can be a tremendous asset when dealing with depression.
Of course anyone who's dealt with depression also knows that it can cause you to lose your passion for things you used to absolutely love. But forcing yourself to do those things even when you're really down can help pull you out.
I remember being at my worst and forcing myself to go to my BJJ and MT classes even when I was so anxious and depressed that just the thought of walking into the gym made my palms sweat. I ALWAYS felt better afterwards. Sometimes only a tiny bit, but other times I'd have a great sparring session or manage to sub a higher belt than me and I'd be on top of the world, even if it that feeling only lasted an hour or two before starting to feel depressed again.
That's awesome you've found something that provides some relief.
I think it's important to keep forcing yourself to do the things you used to love to do when you weren't depressed. What I've found is that if you keep at it, you'll eventually start to notice brief periods, sometimes only lasting for a minute or two, but where you kind of feel like yourself again. Pay attention to those moments, be conscious of them and keep looking for them.
I've found that when I'm not being a stubborn self-loathing piece of shit and actually forcing myself to do the things I should be doing and keep looking for those little moments where I feel better, they start to happen more and more often.
But I hear you regarding doing fun activities. That is tough though considering how little makes me happy compared to before. As for drugs those have been a no-no for me for some time and would not be wise for me to do with the meds I am now on.
