So we'll call this one "Don't be a wiseass to the cop that nearly caved your skull in"
I got a drunk and disorderly, that easily could've been avoided, but the cops at a beach town were sick of partying punks and I was a PP. Anyway, they cuff and stuff me and I give them a ton of shit on the ride to the station.
We get in and the cop searches my jacket, except it wasn't my jacket, it was my girlfriend's jacket that I borrowed and there is a tampon in it. He starts parading it around for his fellow officers to see and goes "So what's this? all sing songy and gloaty.. and I say "it goes in a female vagina, unlike you" the room breaks up in laughter, I get the feeling he may not have been the most popular cop on the force....
So he goes, "You know what, I hate scumbags like you" and I go how do you know I'm a scumbag? You don't even know me" and he goes "I can tell by looking at you" and I go "you know what I can tell by looking at you?" he goes "what" I go "You got picked on really badly in high school, didn't you" Place breaks up even more, I'm killing it like Eddie Murphy at his height....
so they book me, and stuff me in a cell, alone and with the cuffs still on. I'm 12 or so Miller genuine drafts in, need to pee like a racehorse, but with all that said it now dawns on me, I talked mad shit and they left the cuffs on me, he's gonna work me over in here.....
But before that can happen, a nice matronly looking african american woman social worker comes by to interview me. She says "are you contemplating suicide?" I say "no mama but I am sure thinking about it".. She then has to take me into an office and do a whole interview with me it asses if I'm a risk to myself. She has seen a lot of bullshitters in her time, so she says something like "you ain't gonna kill yourself right? And I fess up, "nope but I'm likely to pee myself any minute and I talked a lot of shit and think the cop that brought me in is gonna kick the shit out of me. She gets me de-cuffed so I can pee and tells me she'll make sure nothing happens to me and nothing did. I owe that woman a piece of pie and a couple of scratch offs for sure.
Going to court I read the police report, which made it sound like I was Jimmy Superfly Snuka coming off the top rope, that reference is for you
@Pliny Pete, which was a ton of bullshit, I literally got arrested for saying "excuse me sir, can I ask you a question?" and when he said "Sure" I said why are you giving me so much shit? because he was ordering me around to pick up garbage while letting other people, girls but not me and my friend, leave the scene. He was actually drawing his night stick when the other cop and my friend got between us. My friends dad and brother are both cops and they say they should have arrested my friend for interfering with an arrest.
Cut to the chase, my lawyer goes in to work a deal before, court which is like 6 months after the incident, comes out to me and says "What did you say to these guys, they remember you and they don't want to cut a deal.....but they did, reduced it to an ordinance violation and I paid a fine and walked. Gist of story is if you ain't arrested yet, be polite, and if you are arrested be politer or you might really regret it.
Oh forgot this bit, when they did put me in a cell with others, there were 3 seniors in high school who had a party in a hotel room that must've gotten too loud. One of them had a massively broken nose from the cop punching him. I asked what he did, he said he answered the door when they came, he said "let me get my girlfriend' and turned to go back into the hotel room, the cop grabbed his shoulder, spun him back around and dropped him with a shot to the nose. he said he woke up in the cop car. They were not in a playful mood those officers and I get it.