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So I joined the US Army in January of 2001. Fort Leonard Wood AKA Fort Lost In The Woods. I think they got mad that he was white, so it's something like Fort Comanche or something like that. Here are some mildly interesting stories from then in true Sherdog format (bulleted)!
Sincerely,
Brom Bones
- The coldest I've ever felt in my life was here. Colder than Korea or even upstate NY, close to the border of Canada. It was fucking cold and miserable.
- They put you on literal cattle trucks with no windows and bus you to places like that, but after you get off, you walk everywhere.
- You get 4, maybe 5 hours of sleep per night. This was the worst part for me because days bleed into the next without being able to fully recuperate.
- One of the reasons for said lack of sleep is you pull "fire guard" every night. Think Full Metal Jacket. One person sits at a desk by the entrance and one person cleans (one shift sweeps, one mops, one waxes the floor, one cleans the latrines, etc.). After 30 minutes you switch. There's this stupid thing you have to say when someone shows up. "Halt! Who goes there..." You get woken up at different hours each night in a daze. To wake up others, you might have to literally shake the shit out of him.
- Other than lack of sleep, ruck marching was the next worst. You put all your fucking gear on - including gas mask, rifles, helmet, and just go on a long-ass walk. My feet sweat like a mother, so I would get blisters every time.
- Eating was done in about 5 minutes. When we got to eat at the D-Fac (dining facility), there were these long tables. Think school cafeteria. The first person who sat down sat at the end of the 1st section of the first table. When that section filled up, everyone had to move down to the next section. This would keep going on until the 1st person was at the very end of the tables and then they would get up and throw the trash away. When you first sit down, you have to slug down a glass of water. The other glass would be drank during the meal and you were expected to drink both. Less than 1/2 the meals were at the D-Fac. Most were field rations, usually chili mac, which was delicious.
- We could not use the heater in our MREs when indoors. We had to give up the candy. To get them warm, we had to put them in our armpits (the packages).
- We had to say hello to every Drill Sergeant (DS) we saw. I once saw one at the D-Fac and said hello in a Bella Lugosi vampire voice. "Good evening, Drill Sergeant."
- There were females in our platoon, but all were mid to butt-ugly.
- I may have jerked off once or twice, but you're not having horny thoughts. You shower with the guys. This was this black dude with a huge schlong.
- I went about 3 weeks in without taking a dump. It happened to everyone. We would talk about when we broke our "dump" cherry.
- People would constantly talk about being miserable and wanting to go home. I hated all the bitching. We were once waiting at the mini store and I stated I wanted to go home (because it was cold and raining). Someone asked where I lived. I pointed to the barracks in the distance. "Right over there."
- You would meet people from all over the country from many different places. Everyone thought I was from Cali because I'm Asian. There was this dude originally from somewhere in Europe. Eppinga. Good guy. He had a long tongue and was one of the boys.
- This one guy, Huizinga, was so miserable. He used to work at Hardees and would pee his bed. At the very end, we had to turn in the bed covers and his bed was yellow with pee. We kind of bullied him, but he deserved it. There were no "soap parties."
- My bunkmate was named Jeremy Hudnall. He was kind of cocky and had a humongous cranium. Me and my buddy Scray called him "The Missing Link" or "Caveman." This was during the Geico caveman commercial days. Me and Hudnall became cool at the end though.
- We would take classes on almost everything. We took a class on how to properly salute. My saluting game is still on point. When I see kids doing it, I will correct them. We took a bunch of D&C - drill and ceremony classes. Basically how to march. The different platoons - I think there were 4 were going to do a D&C competition. Since I'm a manlet, I was at the very front corner. We never got to do it, thankfully.
- Everyone gets sick. When you get sick, you fill out a form and go to the clinic in the morning before PT (physical training). The DSs push you to go to the clinic instead of the official hospital. The clinic gives you some meds and sends you on your way. I developed shin splints, which I still get. I walk very flat footed. There was this truck that took us cripples everywhere instead of walking. They had some condescending name for it. Forgot what it was. Wounded Wagon or something like that. I felt shame, but those shin splints were a bitch.
- One of the oddest things was they had this one night where they took us to this church and we all bought candy and snacks. I guess it was just for the church to make money and for us to??? blow off steam. The DSs were not there and we just all stuffed our faces. We were not allowed to take it back to the barracks, but they didn't shake us down right after, which shocked me.
- The first Sunday almost everyone went to church. Everyone fucking found religion. Me and like 3 other dudes didn't go out of about 40-50. I wasn't going to fake-ass church no matter what. We got about an extra hour of sleep, but had to clean while everyone was at church. It was pretty chill. The DSs didn't get on us. By the end, only the really religious ones went to church. This one Jesus Freak, Chapa, convinced me to go once. I never went back. We used to call that guy "The Chapa" because he had a big ego. He was my partner for the day we were taught how to throw leg kicks. Dude thought he was Justin Gaethje before Justin Gaethje. My leg was all bruised up after that. I got pissed and returned the favor. Everyone else was half-assing it. That was literally the only self defense class we ever took. Leg kicks.
- They found out I squat on the toilet when shitting (they didn't see my feet), and this became a bit of a joke.
- I would do impersonations of the DSs. One of our DSs was named Rodney Sanchez. When we went out camping, the DSs told me to do the impersonation of him "I'm tired of talking. I'm going straight to the ass!" They shot a canister of CS gas and we had to mask up. Those masks are god-awful. Hot, humid and claustrophobic.
- The DSs weren't supposed to cuss, so they said stuff like "Good night!" and "Dagum!" They also couldn't touch us, but this one asshole DS would throw the laundry at us really hard. I brought a disposable camera and when I developed it, one of the DSs had taken what would become the selfie.
- There was this one guy who brought a book - they didn't allow us personal things, but I guess a book was OK. It was Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness. I knew it as the basis for Apocalypses Now. I think he was shocked any of us dumbasses knew anything. He was an older guy - 30s and looked like Neil Tennant from The Pet Shop Boys.
- At the final inspections, we were just waiting, so me and Scray went to the old guy's room (there was one room of like 4 people apart from the barracks bay) and the big man - I can't remember exactly who he was, but that was the only time I saw him, maybe 1st Sergeant of the battalion??? came by and saw me and Scray were not in our spots. The DSs took us outside to smoke us (exercise - think FMJ again). They made us roll around on our side and I threw us rice, but kept rolling. When the big whig came back, he asked me why I joined. I made up some nonsense about "To be the best I can be, 1st Sergeant!" He nodded and bought it.
- The company 1st Sergeant did an inspection one time and went around asking everyone, "What is a UXO?" No one fucking had a clue. He just kept going around asking. Turns out a UXO is an unexploded ordinance. An unexploded shell.
- Outside of the church candy trip, the only other fun thing we did was go to the post movie theater to watch a movie. They let us eat popcorn and candy, but nothing like the church trip. Get this though. The movie they took us to see was Sugar & Spice. It was fucking atrocious, but had some cute chicks. It was about this pregnant cheerleader whose cheer pals rob banks to get money for the baby. It's as dumb as it sounds.
- When we really fucked up, they would take us to this metal barn with cut up tires as cushioning and smoke us. There would be toxic dust everywhere and we would hock out black loogies for days after. I actually loved doing the forward rolls. I once almost crashed into a DS because I was going so fast. I also liked the crab walk. I got very competitive with that. They once made us go and roll around in the mud in our heavy camo jackets. They were caked with mud and had to be rounded up for a special cleaning.
- Hudnall once had this bright idea to wake everyone up and be waiting for the DSs when they showed up. Like all of us just sitting up in bed. It was probably funny, but I don't know what it was supposed to accomplish.
- Going to the PX (post exchange - basically post Wal-Mart) was a big highlight. This one guy once managed to buy a candy bar without the DSs seeing. I once saw this dude at chow eat a spoonful of sugar really quickly.
- We would get on each others nerves a lot. I'm a pretty cool guy, but I remember almost losing it with rage once. Like Riley Cooper "I will jump this fence and fight every
in this place" rage. - Race wasn't a big issue at all. We were all brothers and as long as you didn't fuck up and get everyone in trouble, you were good. I once got caught joking around during PT in the bay and didn't want to rat my buddy out, so the whole platoon got smoked for a little bit. At least I wasn't a Blue Falcon AKA Buddy Fucker.
- We were not good, so they didn't let us watch the Super Bowl - Giants vs Ravens. It was a pretty shit game, so I wasn't too mad.
- There were 4 running groups, based on how fast you ran. I ran with C group because I'm short and have exercise-induced as-mar. Again, that place was cold as fuck, which didn't help. I hate running. Our PT scores were tracked and I was decent. Finished top half. It helped because I was 22 and that was an older age bracket, with reduced scoring. I was very motivated not to let the females beat me, but the fasted ones did. We did 2 mile runs and I would be around 15 minutes flat. About 45-50 push-ups and around 50-60 sit-ups. I once saw myself in the mirror during fire guard and I was fucking ripped to shreds. It was the best shape I've ever been in. Ripped 137lbs.
- Shooting the M16 was fun. I qualified as a Sharpshooter (Bret Hart is my favorite wrestler). Expert is the highest level. I named my rifle Mary Jane, like in FMJ. It wasn't the Marines, so no Rifleman's Creed. In the cycle before us, one guy blew his brains out. The furthest we shot was 300 meters. I could have easily made the Trump assassination shot.
- We had to throw a live grenade to pass basic training. I almost failed because I went ahead of the instructor when training with dummy rounds. When it was time to throw the live grenade, there is a guy there in case anyone wants to pull the pin and self-delete. There is actually 2 safeties. One clamps the pin in place, and the actual pin. Your hand holds the piece of metal that starts the timer. I have a ridiculously weak arm, so mine went, like 20 feet. They tell you, "After you throw, DON'T watch it. Get your head down."
- You have to go through the CS gas chamber. It burns, but it's not that bad. Just like pepper spray. There was a camera crew to film it and sell us DVDs of the basic training experience waiting outside the cinder block building. I gave them the Devil Horns AKA nWo 4 Life! through tears.
- At the end, you go on a ruck march and go camping for a few days. You march back to the barracks and that's mostly it. They told us they'd have Subway sandwiches for us upon our return and sodas. I was driven by the allure of Subway. When we got back, they gave us like a 2 inch slice of the subs. I was pissed. I was also sick as shit and wasn't too much help. We had to dig a foxhole and Hudnall did most of the heavy lifting for me. Like I said, we were cool at that point.
- We were supposed to do a like Cirque du Soleil type ariel course, but it got cancelled due to weather or something. I was glad because I was sick during that time. I can't stress how often you get sick in that place.
- The two things you ask people are: Where are you from? And what's your military job?
- It was 9 total weeks, but felt much longer.
- You don't get any news from the outside world. Dale Earnhardt died while I was in. It's like those 9 weeks were lost in time.
- There was a female with my name in one of the other platoons. She was the "female Brom Bones."
- Mail time was, outside of chow, the best time of the day. People used to send candy in the mail, so the DSs would search any sus mail AKA the fat ones. My buddies sent me a bunch of WCW wrestling picture cards in the mail and a DS accused me of being homosexual because of it. My friends are idiots. ECW and WCW was bought out while I was in basic and I had no idea.
- They made us learn this dumb thing to say when we were greeted by the higher ups. "Are we not men? No, we are not men. We are beasts..."
Sincerely,
Brom Bones
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