Relationships Need advice from divorced fellow sherbros

[migeru29]

Even more helpful if you have kids.
I've in my marriage 100% for my kids (6 year old son and 4 year old daughter), I never imagine that this could be that fucking hard to just leave my kids just like that. I've living hell for the last 3 years, had to control myself almost on a daily basis to not discuss when my kids are around, but sometimes is nearly impossible and I know this is not healthy for them. I also don't feel at 100% and cannot even be myself when I'm at home, ironically my kids don't really know who his father is when I'm myself and happy camper.

Well I guess you get me by now I'm thinking about the divorce option, but still kills me the unknown of the well being of my kids. How hard was this process for you? How long it took you to deal with it ? Are your kids worse or better now? What were the biggest disadvantages (other than child support) and what were the biggest advantage?

Thanks

 

[Robocok]

Even better if you have kids.
I've in my marriage 100% for my kids (6 year old son and 4 year old daughter), I never imagine that this could be that fucking hard to just leave my kids just like that. I've living hell for the last 3 years, had to control myself almost on a daily basis to not discuss when my kids are around, but sometimes is nearly impossible and I know this is not healthy for them. I also don't feel at 100% and cannot even be myself when I'm at home, ironically my kids don't really know who his father is when I'm myself and happy camper.

Well I guess you get me by now I'm thinking about the divorce option, but still kills me the unknown of the well being of my kids. How hard was this process for you? How long it took you to deal with it ? Are your kids worse or better now? What were the biggest disadvantages (other than child support) and what were the biggest advantage?

Thanks

It was painful for me because I was really naive to how vindictive my ex would be and how family court is, but I was lucky in that I did it while he was only a few months old so he was too young to be hurt by it. I don't know what the dynamic is like with you and mom but there's a good chance that she will try to trash you to them for a long time. That said, I still think it's worse for you to stay in that type of situation because you can't be a strong role model in a toxic environment like that.

Try your best to be at peace with mom, which will probably be impossible, tell your kids how much you love them and that you want to be in their life forever, and fight like hell for as much time as possible with them.

Child support is based off how much time they spend with mom so she might try to kill 2 birds with one stone by limiting your time with them and in order to get more $. My ex told nasty lies about me being abusive and the court accepted it as truth. I've never raised a hand to a woman in my life but it's irrelevant in the #believeallwomen age.

Fight the good fight brother. Never give up. Some day you will find a new chick and hopefully have learned your lesson well enough to not repeat your mistake of involving the state in your personal life. Ultimately, you will be a better, happier man and role model for them because you made the difficult choice of walking away from a toxic situation and surviving the hell that followed. Take care.

 

[neverwas]

long story short, your kids will be brought up to hate you and call some one else dad, because a woman has to have her revenge and they really don't care who else they hurt to get it, kids included.

 

[Oeshon]

You could always get into exotic pets and stock up on sardine oil.

 

[Goonerview]

Growing up without a father is a massive disadvantage for children.

It’s a shame you are not “feeling it” anymore. Any specifics on why you want to get a divorce?

 

[MaxMMA]

First things first. If you're staying in a marriage "for your kids." You aren't helping them at all.

Second, if you have the funds for a lawyer, fight for your kids. I accepted the court counselors advice at face value and just asked for what the judge typically gives men in these situations.

Years later I have some regrets about not trying harder to get full custody. My kids mom isn't abusive or anything, but I'm certain they would be better off living with me and seeing their mom on the weekends.

Years later I finally realized that most women are actually shit mother's and they need a man to tell them how to act/enforce boundaries with kids.

 

[Jake the Muss]

Have you tried marriage counseling and other services?

 

[Jake the Muss]

My ex told nasty lies about me being abusive and the court accepted it as truth. I've never raised a hand to a woman in my life but it's irrelevant in the #believeallwomen age.

Can you elaborate on this? Did she accuse you of emotional, verbal, and/or psychological abuse? Did she have textual proof or witnesses? If no, how does the court accept what she said with no proof?

 

[MIKOM]

It was painful for me because I was really naive to how vindictive my ex would be and how family court is, but I was lucky in that I did it while he was only a few months old so he was too young to be hurt by it. .

What age is your boy now and how did he turn out?

 

[Oblivian]

The "fight for the kids" argument is bullshit most of the time. I've literally seen hundreds of divorces and most of the time it is a pissing match between the husband and wife where the attorneys win. I'd say probably near 80% of the time in my state, it's clear who is going to win primary custody. Who is available more with their work schedule? Who has been handling taking them to and from school or to other appointments? I see these dads who probably got duped by their attorney or are acting on pure emotion rather than logic. They'll throw thousands at trying to get custody when it makes zero sense. You work 9 to 5 with an hour commute each way while your wife has a part time job with flexible hours which have let her handle the transportation, doctor appointments, dinners, etc, yet you think you are better for custody?

This isn't gender specific either. I've seen men when custody simply because they can work from home. Most of the time, the court is pretty logical. Like I said, I've looked at hundreds of divorces, and I'd say that there are only a handful of them where I thought the result was unreasonable.

 

[SammyPops]

Where do you live? I know a few people in Ontario who are diverosed. They all got 50/50 custody so that's good.

They all had messy financial isues though.

 

[fungi]

@migeru29,
With all due respect, do not ask for help on such an important decision in your life on a kung flu forum, let alone its sub-forum for subs and bottoms, aka the Berry. We're all couch psychology/therapy pros here, at least I am, still do not ask us.

There are too many unknown significant variables to potentially fuck it up badly by giving some wrong advice.

Go to a real therapist/family therapist, invest in your own and your fam's well-being. It's worth it. It fucking is. Especially, when you have young ones. Take it from a middle-aged, divorced fungi, who's a psychologist on the side.

Divorce is a huge step, economically, socially, psychologically, logistically, etc. And it is a HUGE fucking TRAUMA for the kids!

Imagine your daughter's trust in men being shattered since toddler age... Daddy issues, self-destructive behaviour patterns, etc., are very probable consequences of your and your wife's mess. Do I need to continue? And there's a boy you say?

Go to a family therapist. A real one. It's worth it.

 

[fungi]

@migeru29,
I forgot to mention that I am also an analyst. Literally. I worked in a bank as a financial analyst. My first major was in finance.

So I am 100% entitled and in the right to say that I am an analyst and a therapist.

Spoiler: DISCLAIMER

Attention! Disclaimer!
DO NOT confuse me with Dr. Funke, though!!! He's a hack and a cuck!
YOUR FAILURE TO OBLIGE WILL BE PERCEIVED AND TREATED AS A PERSONAL INSULT. I WILL BE FORCED TO DEFEND MY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES!!! I'M TRAINED TO DO SO.

As a psychologist, I have the necessary acquired skills and qualifications to fuck with one's mind. I am neither legally nor morally restricted in any way, and have a constitutional right to defend my personal identity in public or in private. I can not and will not be held accountable for any unfortunate events occuring in your or other parties' lives as a result of your and their interactions with my anonymous account on this public forum, i.e. "forums.sherdog.com", and its sub-sidiaries. This message is for informational purposes only. It can not and will not be considered a threat in any court of law, under any circumstances. This is ONLY a warning!

P.s. I will be gentle when making love to your mind, and I will take my time. I'll impregnate your mind with all kinds of thoughts, and ideas, and dreams, and knight-mares, some phobias, maybe... And I will enjoy it)))

 

[loyalyolayal]

I am an agent for people with...particular set of skills.

@TheWorm

 

[lifelessheap]

Can you elaborate on this? Did she accuse you of emotional, verbal, and/or psychological abuse? Did she have textual proof or witnesses? If no, how does the court accept what she said with no proof?

Are you serious? The courts are 100% biased in favor of women. They take their word as gospel. They let women lie so they can destroy fathers.

If a man wants a divorce he must get a lawyer and BLINDSIDE her. It's the only way to stand a chance.

Also, never leave the home! Leaving means you gave up the kids.

 

[HARRISON_3]

Good luck dude.

I've got buddies in the same boat.

Rough stuff.

@TheWorm

 

[Law Talkin’ Guy]

I am an agent for people with...particular set of skills.

@TheWorm

Good luck dude.

I've got buddies in the same boat.

Rough stuff.

@TheWorm

Thanks for the client referral guys. However, I’m not sure the TS is looking for legal advice atm. Also, I consider myself somewhat of a “retired divorce lawyer” as back at the start of June last year I moved to a different law firm that only practices employment law, so all I really do anymore is wrongful dismissal law suits. So if you know anyone out of work, send them my way.

Anyway, @migeru29 if you actually do have any legal questions I’d be happy to give you some broad strokes of legal information (within reason) on a pro bono basis from one Sherbro to another.

 

[west42]

I read about some dude whose bitch wife divorced him and got alimony. So he found a new chick, had pics taken of them together, and had checks made with those pics. He made his alimony payments with those checks.

 

[DespicablePeep]

Even better if you have kids.
I've in my marriage 100% for my kids (6 year old son and 4 year old daughter), I never imagine that this could be that fucking hard to just leave my kids just like that. I've living hell for the last 3 years, had to control myself almost on a daily basis to not discuss when my kids are around, but sometimes is nearly impossible and I know this is not healthy for them. I also don't feel at 100% and cannot even be myself when I'm at home, ironically my kids don't really know who his father is when I'm myself and happy camper.

Well I guess you get me by now I'm thinking about the divorce option, but still kills me the unknown of the well being of my kids. How hard was this process for you? How long it took you to deal with it ? Are your kids worse or better now? What were the biggest disadvantages (other than child support) and what were the biggest advantage?

Thanks

Tried and failed, but my wife loved me and was nice to me all the time. I just had a midlife crisis and wanted to live as a free man. But if your wife does not like you and treats you badly just get a divorce, the kids part is very hard but you should not be miserable because of them.

 

[HomeCheese]

Even better if you have kids.
I've in my marriage 100% for my kids (6 year old son and 4 year old daughter), I never imagine that this could be that fucking hard to just leave my kids just like that. I've living hell for the last 3 years, had to control myself almost on a daily basis to not discuss when my kids are around, but sometimes is nearly impossible and I know this is not healthy for them. I also don't feel at 100% and cannot even be myself when I'm at home, ironically my kids don't really know who his father is when I'm myself and happy camper.

Well I guess you get me by now I'm thinking about the divorce option, but still kills me the unknown of the well being of my kids. How hard was this process for you? How long it took you to deal with it ? Are your kids worse or better now? What were the biggest disadvantages (other than child support) and what were the biggest advantage?

Thanks

Similar story here and I was miserable last few year of my marriage. I stayed for the kids as I love all the dad stuff but eventually I filed for divorce and had 50% custody. My kids were 2nd and 4th grades at the time. I won't lie, being a part time dad was by far the biggest adjustment of my life and it took me a few years. I did love having the kids around without the wife there! It was awesome to have a more relaxed atmosphere.

Here is an important tip I give any one getting a divorce with kids: Take up coaching youth sports. Not only was it one of the rue boys of my adult life but it is a great way to get extra time with my kids. I always set up some of the practices for my ex wife's custody days so even if it wasn't my day I still got some time with them. Also games are generally on weekends so during the season you can see your kids every weekend. I coached soccer in the fall, basketball in winter and summer and futsal in between. I coached bothy kids teams for as long as they wanted to play.

Picnic's were are thing also, on a sunny weekend I'd pack a nice lunch and we would he'd out in the car and find a place by the river or at the beach to spend the day goofing off. My kids still love doing this with me and now they are older and do it with their friends at college and stuff.

I spent as much time with my kids as I could. Probably hurt me a little professionally but I think it is worth it. I figured that when I'm even older and reflecting back on my life I will never say: Jeez I wish I spent more time working and less with my kids. You will always be thankful for the time you spend with them.

Good luck man, divorce is hardAF.