Gut Busters (Written Jokes)

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Devout Pessimist

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Post your best written jokes here ! (Please try to keep them short)

I will start it off with this murderously funny joke!

Prepare to have your gut busted!


A :eek::eek::eek::eek:phile was leading a young boy through the woods at night. The little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared".

The :eek::eek::eek::eek:phile replies "You're scared? I have to walk back alone"


:D



One day a blonde and brunette were watching a soap opera on television. On the show, there was a girl standing on a bridge. The brunette turned to the blonde and said, "I bet you $5 that she's going to jump off that bridge." The blonde agreed to the bet. The girl in the show jumped off the bridge, and the blonde handed the brunette the $5. Then the brunette felt guilty and said, "This is a re-run I already saw, I knew she was going to jump." Then the blonde replied, "I saw it before too, but I didn't think the girl would be stupid enough to do it again!"

:D
 
A man is driving along in the South when he runs out of gas. Desperate to get to his business meeting on time, he hitchhikes and is picked up by a trucker.

Right when he gets into the car the trucker pulls a gun on the man and tells him not to move. The trucker then drives down the road, pulls the man out of the car, and tells him to strip. The man does, and the trucker ties him to a tree. The trucker then proceeds to fuck the guy and after finishing gets back in his truck and leaves.

The man manages to undo the ropes after an hour and stumbles down the road naked when he spots a police car.

The cop gets out looking at the man. The man goes "Officer officer, you'll never believe my story, but I was taken out in the middle of nowhere and raped by some trucker"

After hearing his story the cop starts to unbuckle his pants and says "Just ain't your day boy"
 
Yo Mamma is so fat that she walks into a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says, "Yes Please!"
 
What's the secret to a good joke timing.
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
odog said:
What's the secret to a good joke timing.
Click to expand...

I post this in every joke thread, so I'm glad someone else said it this time.




A man walks into a bar.

He's an alcoholic, and it's destroying his family.
 
Those rape victims from Penn state had unlimited potential. They couldve been tight ends, but now the most they will be is wide receivers.
 
A little boy was sitting on the swing in the playground looking sad and depressed. Then a Catholic priest walks up to the kid and asks:

"What is the matter my son?"
Kid: "My dog ran away and I think this is the worst day of my life"
Priest: "Well my son it's about to get a whole lot worse" said the priest as he was unbuckling his belt.
 
A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A catholic priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The catholic priest looks around cautiously while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
 
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

quarter pounder with cheese
 
A woman has just given birth in a maternity ward. The midwife picks it up from between her legs and cradles it for a moment, before bursting into hysterical laughter. Suddenly, she throws it against a wall as hard as she can, cackling away the whole time. The woman starts yelling in shock 'MY BABY! MY BABY!', while a second midwife picks it up, joins the first in hysterics, and hurls it against the opposite wall. The woman is now screaming 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?', but the first midwife ignores her, picks the baby back up, and bounces it off the floor. The woman, still exhausted from giving birth, struggles to get up to reach the baby, but the second midwife intercepts - kicking it back across the room towards the first. The first midwife then picks it up and tells the woman:

We're only joking! It was born dead.
 
Some Florida millionaire was hosting a bunch of journalists at his house which included a pool full of gators. He was telling the press that the keys to his success was bravery and courage and taking risks. He then joked that if any of the writers present had the balls to swim through that pool full of gators he would give them a million dollars or anything that he owned. They all laughed and continued walking along, the next thing everyone heard was a loud splash and we see one brave journalist making a mad dash to the other side as the gators swarmed in on him. Amazingly enough the journalist made it to the other side and was catching his breath when the millionaire came up to him and said "that was very impressive, I'm a man of my word, what would you like?"

The journalist finally recovered his breath and said "I just want to know which of you fuckers pushed me in".
 
A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City. She tells them she needs a $5000 loan as she is planning a trip to Europe for a month. She offers them as collateral her $200,000 Bentley that she has parked outside.

The bank agrees to the loan and parks her car in their secure underground parking lot. After she's gone though, the bankers all have a good laugh at the dumb blonde. Obviously leaving a $200,000 car as collateral for a $5000 loan is a very silly thing to do.

A month goes by and the woman returns. She pays back the $5000 plus $13 interest. One of the bankers says "I must ask you something. You are obviously a very wealthy woman, so why did you need a $5000 loan." She replied, "I didn't need the loan, I just needed a cheap place to park my car."
 
daughter asks dad if she can borrow the car to go to the movies, dad say, sure, but you have to blow me first, daughter says, no thats gross, dad says well if you want the car.. so daughter agrees, a minute later daughter stops and say, thats gross, it tastes like shit, dad say, oh yeah i forgot, your brother has the car tonight.
 
Atheist said:
A :eek::eek::eek::eek:phile was leading a young boy through the woods at night. The little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared".

The :eek::eek::eek::eek:phile replies "You're scared? I have to walk back alone"
Click to expand...

Lol'd hard. Love those jokes. The one about the Dad/daughter and son having the car also made me lol.
 
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