BJJ and Family Life

[Phattousai]

I currently work a full time job and have a wife and a young child. I began training BJJ earlier this year and took my classes after work. I absolutely fell in love with the training and the camaraderie between me and my teammates but in the back of my mind, I always felt like I was spending time at the gym when I should have been home with my family. 4-5 months out of the year my job requires that I do an extra 15-20 hours of overtime which kept me at work, at the very least, two extra nights a week and one full day on the weekend. At the time, my son had just turned one year old would be in bed by the time I got home from training/overtime, making it so I only saw him for a few minutes every morning and maybe at night once a week when training two nights and working two nights a week.

I ended up leaving the gym due to a mix of financial concerns and wanting to ensure that I was being a good husband/father but I've managed to save enough that I can begin training again after the holidays. However, I still feel a little guilty preparing myself to spend more time away from my wife and child I wanted to get the opinions of those on this forum that are in a similar situation(Wife and young kids, 40-60 hour week full time job) and get some thoughts as to how training BJJ affects one's family life.

Thanks!

 

[Graciebarra 847]

Your story sounds like mine being that I am in the exact same position as you are in. I have a young daughter (9 months) and to top it off my wife is a house wife who's only hobby is to take care of my child and spend time with me.

I work a 45 hour work week and am not one of these guys who has the benefit of working from home or doing bjj during my lunch! Because of this I get in 2 days a week of bjj and 2 days a week of weights on average.

I enjoy lifting weights and I enjoy bjj. 4 workouts per week is about all I have time for. I could probably do 4 days of bjj if I quit weightlifting, but I actually have realized I prefer 3 days a week. My academy is about 11-12 miles away and my gym is 3 blocks away. I am sure if my academy was 3 blocks away I would go 3-4 times a week as opposed to 2. It takes me 35 minutes to get to bjj. 50 minutes if I go to the night classes. That is a 2.5-3 hour commitment with class time and travel time.

With my schedule I know I will probably always be a bjj hobbyist. With this schedule I don't think I could even be a good local competitor at the bluebelt level.
But I am content with that. We have plenty of bjj hobbyists at our academy. Even purple belts and a few browns. I still plan to compete again and when I do I will probably go on a run of 4 days a week of bjj for a few months and cut out the weights.

My point is that everything in life is a balance. You just have to find that balance. 1 day a week is better than not training at all!

 

[Just Me]

40 yr old, married with 2 young children. Luckily I'm self employed so I have more freedom than you. However, training is limited to twice a week. Comps are limited by multitude of children activities and other family and business obligations. Would I like to train more? Absolutely. But, the other things have priority. Just part of life.

 

[Amiro]

28 with an 8year old son and 1 year old daughter. i used to work full time and when i started bjj everything else in my life just kinda stopped for a while.

now most of my conversation with my wife is 'is my gi dry?' or 'have you seen my compression shorts'

my son likes to mess about and grapple sometimes, but im trying not to push him too hard into it because then he cant discover it for himself.

if i got home at about 5 id basically have time to have a shower and go bjj. by the time i got back everyone was asleep.

 

[thrustyourhips]

I don't have children, but isn't that just how it works? You have kids, and say goodbye to your life. I think that's just a natural part of life, your kids are your life now.

 

[CTKD]

32 and have a 2 yr old daughter. I go twice a week which keeps me away from home 2 to 3 hours per class. When I get home tho, I fully dedicate myself to my family. If time allows, I will feed/bath my kid or whatever else she needs so there's less 'guilt' on my part (wife also works 40 hours a week) and the wife seems to fully appreciate that.
My wife knows I would love to train more so often she'll make me a punch card as a present for certain event which I can use to take additional classes - mainly Saturday classes. This may sound juvenile but it seems to create a happy balance.

 

[BassAckwards]

TS-your story is just like mine and i totally feel what you are going though.

i try to train on my lunch breaks but that's only when time permits, and when i dont have meetings or deadlines. unfortunately, i've been having repoorts, meetings, VTCs, and what not almost everyday, overlapping my lunch breaks.

it's tough to balance family/work/bjj and of course, family and work are higher in priority. if anything, try to work something out with your wife so that you can roll atleast twice a week. you need to do some kind of physical exercise to stay in shape and not go insane.

 

[3s_em1]

All about balancing it out.

I am 32, married with 2 kids.

Right now, I train Tues, Thurs and Saturdays for 2-3 hrs per session. Recently changed it from Mon, Wed and Fri because my kids started soccer season.

I alternate Saturdays & Fridays so I can go out with the wife and kids on Friday night.

Dont ever chose BJJ over a function with your kids (soccer games...) or an event with the wife. I make sure to plan ahead to make sure I can do both (my gym is open 7 days/ week so that makes it easy). I also keep my wife involved with the schedule in case she has something in mind.

It's a bit of work but it keeps everyone happy.

 

[Phattousai]

Thanks for the input!

 

[sgtlunajuice]

fellow bjj hobbyist here. i work full time, married, with a 4 going on 5 year old. plus i was taking a night class this semester. so my week is full. but it's all worth it when you find you really like the new technique being taught, hit that one sweep you've been working on, or in my case recently, tapped your own brother with an inverted bow and arrow lol. just keep at it and go when you can. my coach once said "if you can only come once a week that's fine. but make the most you can out of your time". quality over quantity. see my sig!

 

[577]

<a little long!>

32, 11 month daughter.

I'm lucky right now, as I'm on parental leave, training Tue, Thu morning (take my daughter along), then Mon, Wed, Fri evenings. Weights 3 times a week while my daughter's sleeping. Yoga three times a week when she's sleeping. I take her with me to the gym a lot, so that my wife can have a break after work in the evenings, or go out herself -- and obviously during the mornings when she's at work. She sits in her stroller while we train, normally I time her nap, so she she sleeps a little. Usually someone's hurt, or teaching, and they often pick her up, play with her a little. If she gets fussy, sometimes I have to just step off the mat for a bit. So far no one seems to mind. My daughter seems to like it a lot when we're warming up (laughs uncontrollably), or there's a lot of movement - sweeps, takedowns, etc.

This is obviously going to get messed up a little when I go back to work. What I did before, when my wife was home, and I was working, was Mon, Wed, Fri nights. Then weights either in the morning before work, or after my daughter her slept, while my wife was watching tv.

Obviously if there's a choice between the baby or the wife, and jiu jitsu -- family has to win over. It's hard to find a good balance. When I was working, I often had to miss an evening. My wife would just call me, and say, hey, the baby is pissing me off, come home. And you can't really say no to that.

I got the advice from an older friend with 3 kids, that you have to have something that's your's. But you only really get one thing. For me, that's jiu jitsu. I don't go climbing. I don't socialise independent of my wife anymore. My friends are my training partners -- but I'm very rarely able to see them outside of the gym and tournaments. When I have a second child, I'll likely have to train less. I just take the opportunities when they arise.

I often end up late at work. When this happens, I sometimes catch a later beginner's class at the gym. It's not as good as training with my peers (blue +4, 5 years training), but it's better than not training.

For weights, i have 12, 16, 20, 24 kg KBs, a light weight set (80kg), a few resistance bands and a swiss ball. They get cleared away each time i use them. It sucks not having a bench or squat rack, but really, you can get a perfectly functional work out with a lot less. This lets me keep my non BJJ training at home. No commute to a weight gym. Can just put out the weights and train while the baby naps. If she wakes up, I take a little break, or put some foot in front of her, and keep training in the same room.

To some extent BJJ is a selfish hobby for me. But it keeps me happy, helps me deal wife stress (my wife would argue that sometimes it wears me down physically, and makes me more stressed!). I think this makes me a better father than I would be if I was sitting in front of the TV ever evening. My parents worked very hard to put food on the table when I was a kid, and never really got to have their own time. I'm grateful for that -- but perhaps it's better to model and active healthy lifestyle?

As an aside, we're almost all recreational competitors. The tops athletes in this sport struggle to make money. They rely on sponsors for air tickets, seminars to offset the costs of competing, and make great sacrifices to live on BJJ. Very very very few live even a comfortable lifestyle from it. The best money to be made is probably running a school or franchise somewhere with low commercial rental costs, and compromising your ethics a little. A guy can go and win brown belt mundials at adulto, and maybe all they get are a few gis and some travel money. It's nice to pretend that we're pro athletes, especially those of us who have success at the mundials, pan ams, europeans, etc. But most of us aren't.

All the best.

 

[Deleted member 56619]

Most people will disregard (or ridicule) what I am going to say, but read The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferris. Even though most people can never get to a 4 hour work week, one or two of you may really have some life changing ideas due to the book. Don't take everything in the book word for word, as it won't all apply to everyone, but it has helped shape my life in a tremendous (and beneficial) way.

Of course I'm not married and don't have kids so it is much easier for me, but I still think some of you will love this book.

 

[ShowUsYaJits]

Family should always come first. You will be able to pick it up again later, when it gets too tough and you have to have a break.

But also knowing how to defend your family is a part of obligations towards your family (IMO), so the BJJ is a part of that. At a good white belt or blue belt level you will be able to do that against untrained people, so don't sweat it. It's easier to cut down on BJJ time than sherdog time though (lol).

Eventually if you are lucky you will get some sons, so the "family defense" thing should be easier. And BJJ can be a part of that too, and a way to impart knowledge to your kids. If you have daughters, you may need to up the BJJ and start spending some time at the range, lol.

 

[xMTDx]

30 years old with a wife and 2 kids: 2 and a half and 9 months. It is a hard balacing act because sometimes bjj is what keeps me sane between tantrums and constantly being tired. As we speak I am just home from my 2nd MMA fight which I won but training wise took a lot of negotiation and scheduling. Luckily my coach met me before night classes and bashed me a lot for 5-6 weeks as he understands. Now I will go back to 2 maybe 3 jits sessions a week and focus on being super dad and hubby. Tonight after getting my hands taped I looked around and all I thought was 'fuck I'm a dad, this isnt me' but got the job done and very happy to be able to go back to training bjj and being a family man.

 

[FlameBoy]

I have trained BJJ for neary 5 years and did Thai and JKD and Sub Wretstling before that.

My son is 8 tomorrow and my daughter was 5 in the summer. I train at least 4 nights in the week and once at the weekends. I also compete in probably 8/9 comps a year.

I work as a fireman, 4 days on and 4 days off. When Im off, I spend the daytimes with my wife an takethe kids to and fom school, befre they went t school, I stayed at home with them and did the mother and toddlers groups with them.

When I go out the house they ask "Are you going to work or to the BJJ Daddy?" they are the only places that I go,I dont play or go to watch football, I dont go drinking down the pub (much). I do lots of my cardio and fitness at work, enabling me to make the most of my bjj sessions. I dont really watch TV. There is a bunch of stuff that yo can sacrifice to give you the time to train BJJ.

I also run the BJJ club that I train at and 1 piece of advice I ca give you is - dont let the new addition dictate your regime - I understand that they will to an extent, but if you build BJJ into your routine then it willonly take a month or 2 for it to become that - Routine. Taking a break, settling into a new lifestyle, then trying to re-isnert BJJ bckinto your new routine will be alot LOT harder.

I have seen many a good grappler, have a kid and then never ever get back on the mats. Now Im sure that was never their intention, nor the intention of the kids to stop their father training, or even the wife to stop their husbands/partners doing something they love. Pencil it in the diary, go to the class, whn ouge back, devote yourself to your family.

Rocks,Pebbles and Sand.

BJJ is one of my Rocks. Ill find the philosophy somewhere and post it later.

 

[FlameBoy]

Heres the philisosphy I was talking about. I 1st read it about 8 years ago.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar
was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The >pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give
a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

 

[elbigsam]

In ops situation where he can't train during lunch, could you do other excersize? Could you find someone to roll with late night maybe once a week after the kids bedtime? If you could somehow attend a couple actual classes a week, do cardio or weights during lunch 5 days a week, and have one extra rolling session late night. That would be a pretty good schedule to stay in shape and keep learning.

I'm 30, 1 kid. I'm lucky to be a fireman so like the above fireman, I have lots of time.

 

[ShowUsYaJits]

I'm a single, childless guy but hear me out.

Having kids for many (most?) is a biological event that changes our whole way of thinking. For me it was. Before I had any, I would have said much the same thing as you have, probably more extreme if anything. It is not until you become a parent that you really see the day to day sacrifices that are made in your "investment", and understand how important they are. It is also when you start to see yourself getting older and inevitably declining, especially as you see your parents age. As you start to get your first wrinkles and white hairs, you may come to terms with a process that is inescapable and will lead you to eventually becoming old and infirm, and then dead.

IMO the body is not the best vessel to be your temple. The inescapable reality is that if your body is your temple, that temple will eventually be eaten by worms, occupy an urn or other similar outcomes. At the end of the day, there are no prizes that matter for rolling around on a mat at age 70. The only things of you that endure are your children. This is not to say that BJJ at older ages is worthless, only that it can be put in perspective.

To use Flameboy's analogy (which is a neat way of looking at things, thanks for sharing), the "rocks" of my life are my kids. They are the primary things of importance that will survive me when I'm gone. Then there are things that are kind of like rocks but not quite the same are those things that will support my kids. Let's call them "supporting planks". e.g. Income. Safety measures for them. Educating them, that sort of thing. Equipping myself to defend them. Keeping myself healthy so as to be of use to my family at an older age. Doing the things necessary to keep a wife onside so that you last the distance. It is a balancing act. I would not call those things rocks, pebbles or sand.

Also, viewed from that perspective you can have a bit more flexibility to achieve better overall outcomes. E.g. you can borrow from one supporting plank a bit so that in future you can pay back the debt with interest. For example, maybe you put more effort into income at the expense of say, some personal health for a while. A few years later after you have scrimped and saved you are more easily able to invest again in your health but with more leeway for other activities.

Another thing I see as part of a support system for the "rocks" (which are my descendants) - the environment and other things that have the ability to make the world livable for them in the future. Those sort of things are worth investing in, and worth making some money to then invest in (ala Elon Musk) if you have the ability.

Of course, doing stuff like posting on Sherdog is none of that. It is an outlet, a hobby I suppose, maybe a vice (but then again, I don't spend time at the pub and I watch minimal TV - if anything movies on occasion). I am not perfect and no one is. However, one should at least have a direction to aim in.

 

[viaingo]

Im not married and dont have kids, but I do have a fiance and 2 jobs (20-30 hours/week each). I go to school part time and try and fit Jiu Jitsu into my schedule 3-4 times a week. I have been training for almost 5 years now. I feel like as I get older I am discovering more responsibilities that take away from Jiu Jitsu. I am not a happy-go-lucky 17 year old without responsibilities going to Jiu Jitsu 6 times a week anymore. And I have a sinking feeling as I get older and get married and have a full time job and have kids (all of which are obtainable within 2 years) I am going to slow down Jiu Jitsu to twice a week or less. My goal since I started Jiu Jitsu was to teach it someday, but at this rate I dont think I will graduate to purple belt until 2013.

Now That I vented...I love this sport and will put as much time into it as I possibly can in my lifetime. But life takes priority.

 

[Uncle_J]

I enrolled my 6 yr old son and my step daughter in the kids class and they love it. The wifey takes them and gets asked constantly when she's gonna join so there will be more women. She's showing legit interest.

The fact that the whole family can spend time around it makes it that much easier to dedicate myself.

I did it all by myself before and it was miserable. The younger kids, time away, the whole drill. Now that the situation involves everyone it is so much more fun.

I sincerely hope you guys can convince the whole family to give it a try and have them like it like mine did. I know I got pretty lucky on that end.