This is it - Starting Life Over

Hamm said:
When I was a much younger person the Mayberry was always there for me, as I was lonely, essentially a typical basement dweller. I got involved in Sherdog and started training BJJ, and found the more I got into that, got out of the house, got fit, got confident the less I needed Sherdog. The less I posted in the Mayberry. Well I got involved with a woman who just tore me down in a lot of ways and my mental illness, depression, anxiety, anti-social disorder, came raging back. I quit training to focus on her, she became the most important thing in the world to me. And well, you guys mostly know how that worked out.

Well, she finally left me as I posted not long ago. It took a while to get that situation sorted out. Her brother came and got all her shit. The divorce is uncontested. There was a pretty clear line between what was hers and mine, I gave her any of the little things she wanted. Papers are signed and in the courts hands now. She tried to come back 2 weeks after leaving. I told her to piss off, she is back in town now living with her brother, I guess her parents could not handle her.

I am sitting in my truck right now. Everything I own in the world is packed under the tano cover. My dog is on the seat next to me. It is overcast, and looks like it might start raining soon. I have an old friend, and by that I mean a friend who is an old man. He was a drifter most of his life. Has lived everywhere in the country. He rode his bike from Wisconsin to Homestead, Florida one winter. He told me when he turned 18 and finally left home he kept a coin in the ashtray of his truck and whenever the mood hit him he flipped it. If he was travelling south, then heads was east and tails was west and he would just change direction. There is a quarter set on the dash in front of me. It is a 1981 quarter that I kept in my watch box for a few years, because I was born in 1981.

I sold a lot of stuff. I had a $4,000 bike that I got $800 bucks for and a bunch of other stuff that I just firesold on Facebook. My wife and I split the savings account. I have $13,000 in a check box under my truck seat. I have a Remington 870 that my grandpa gave me and a box of 00 buckshot behind the seat, I am not supposed to have it. But I do. I am listening to the Jason Isbell album Southeastern and typing this post on my laptop. I am still connected to the wifi inside the house from the driveway. When I leave my ex wife will be moving back in.

I made a lot of fucking mistakes in my day, and I wonder if I can leave them behind. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to tell that piece of shit woman that I did not want to be with her anymore. I told her to stay the fuck out of my life. Then I bawled like a fucking baby for an hour and hated myself. For (1) letting her go and (2) for being such a cuck that I cried for ditching her. My dog is whimpering and pawing at the door, he wants to go back inside, or in the back yard to play with his brother. Her dog. The one that aint coming with us.

I loaded the shotgun this morning and sat on the toilet with it between my knees for a few minutes. I knew the whole time that I was not going to pull the trigger. But I wanted to feel like I could. Like right there in that moment was the proof that I had control over something.

I am not a stupid guy. I guess that depends on how you define stupid. I have a Master's Degree in Urban Planning I finished it just before going away. But I have done a lot of stupid shit, so maybe I am. I have not been able to use it for anything, though. I am off parole, have been for a while, so if anyone was wondering that is not an issue.

Anyway my street connects to a highway that runs north for about a hundred miles to a major interstate. And south a little farther to another. When I hit the stop sign I am going to flip the coin. I could probably live off that 13 grand for quite a while.

Maybe I should use some of it to buy a camper for my truck? I dont think I really want to be a drifter though, I have always wanted to have roots.

I dont really have family, a sister in Arizona somewhere with 3 kids and a meth addiction. Parents are still alive, but they wouldnt roll out any welcome mat for me, so I am not running toward them.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Advice appreciated, as always.
Click to expand...

Sounds like atleast theres no kids involved thats good
 
So is Hamm trolling us? He never updated what happened. Did he become a bum? What happened to him?
 
This thread reminds me of Joe Rogan's speech:



f**king powerful speech.
 
Dogstarman said:
So is Hamm trolling us? He never updated what happened. Did he become a bum? What happened to him?
Click to expand...

He doesn't have wifi for his camper stupid...

The jerk does need to update this thread with some selfies though, kinda like that little gnome dude from those commercials..
 
syct23 said:
He doesn't have wifi for his camper stupid...

The jerk does need to update this thread with some selfies though, kinda like that little gnome dude from those commercials..
Click to expand...

Lol. His homeless ass can go to a public library like all the other bums and update this thread, stupid.
 
I feel like I’m starting over in a way also. I’m nearly 30 and lost a pretty good paying job a year ago. I’m knocked back down the ladder again got to work my way back up.
 
If you have $13,000 then you should have enough to pay for first month's rent and security deposit for a small apartment as well as to get lights and gas. If you have a cell phone then you don't particularly need a landline atm. And far as bedding goes you can either get a sleeping bag or an inflatable mattress to sleep on.

Are you working atm? Being off of parole and having a Master's Degree puts you in a more favorable position than a lot of other people. myself included. Even if you don't get a job in Urban Planning, with your degree you can still get something similar or maybe even social work. And just having a degree in general shows that you are educated and a lot of places will hire you on that note alone.

Basically what I'm saying is to treat your situation as you would if you were a late teen/young adult just starting out in life. Start small and humble and build your life up gradually.

Lastly, at some point GET BACK TO TRAINING!! And next time do not give it up for your gf or wife.
 
Quit training to focus on her eeeeew. I've done that before.

NEVER QUIT ANYTHING FOR A WOMEN!!! unless it's unhealthy then let her get in the way.
 
Don Quixote said:
I feel like I’m starting over in a way also. I’m nearly 30 and lost a pretty good paying job a year ago. I’m knocked back down the ladder again got to work my way back up.
Click to expand...

Shhhhh...

We're not worried about you right now Don..

We are trying to find @Hamm and his guns at the moment..

But in all due respect, welcome to your 30s my man.. as one of the old dudes here, just wait until your mid to late 30s...
 
Feel your pain dude going through some shit myself with my robot of a "fiance"

I think you should write a country song about this. It's perfect.
 
Grassshoppa said:
Okay, so if you don't like the winters of Alaska then San Diego is a good place. Averages about 72 with a breeze all year. Plenty of places where you can literally pull over right next to the beach and you can sleep in your camper.
Click to expand...

Seconding this. Happy place needed. Also as someone else said avoid drinking a lot. Always remember you're also responsible for your pup, as odd as it might sound that thought is surprisingly effective in pulling me out of my dark moments. Start thinking about what you want to do as a job, pick a good place with nice climate. Maybe get out of the US?
 
You have a little cash, a dog, no apparent home, and seem to be outdoor savvy. If I were in your shoes, I'd consider spending a few months hiking the Applachian Trail with your dog, as sort of a way to click refresh on life.
 
$14k in your truck and the open road in front of you and you're bitching? Put that shit in the bank though. Or you're going to get jacked and then you'll really have something to cry about.
 
Keep writing shit down. That was good reading.

Get some self defence shit just in case.

Have you thought about stupid shit like logging, rigging, those extreme jobs that pay well and last week's at a time?
 
I was going to say something about no one reading that long of a post and then I saw 50+ people liked it. Am shocked. I guess Ill read it then
 
Just read it. TS you are an inspiration to many people. Why do I say that? For one, you had the balls to not take back a woman even though every cell in your body was telling you to. Many, many men would fail that and stay in a toxic relationship. You deserve better. And two, you didn't take the quick and easy way out in the bathroom.

You have 13k and a vehicle. You can go anywhere and more importantly, you can have fun. You could definitely live off that 13k for over a year. Have some fun, rack up some new experiences.

Get rid of that shotgun though. Dont ruin your adventure by being busted with a firearm if you are a felon..
 
Mayberry, I appreciate the sincere care you guys seem to have, it is actually really cool.

Honestly, I forget about Sherdog often, I post some stuff on here then lots of people respond and make me feel like I am not alone. I feel like I am heard for just a minute, and I appreciate it. I have used you guys just to feel like I have mattered. Thanks for that.

I only came back because I saw Joe Rogan on Instagram say something about crazy stuff happened at the last UFC, so I swung by to see what Sherdog said about it. I had a few messages and, honestly, some of you guys are pretty amazing.

There is no real ending to the OP of this thread. I drove all over the west and midwest, had a few interesting encounters, and settled in North Dakota. I got an alright job where I actually get to kinda use my degree. Met a woman a few months back, she lives in her place and I live in mine, and that isnt changing anytime soon.

My old friend I mentioned in the OP passed away and I came home for a week, seeing some old friends, and not hating the memories that much. The skeletons arent rattling much in the closet, mostly turned to dust, I guess.

Not training BJJ again... yet. I don't know if I will ever start again. I am seeing a therapist instead; costs more, helps less.

This was no grand adventure. There is no wrap-up. This is just my life, I am done looking at it like a different episode. Starting over? Flowery, poetic bullshit. Moving forward is more like it. What else is there?

I have read a lot of people calling me a troll, and I have never responded to it. But, yeah, I am a troll. I trolled Mayberry, posted my sad, pathetic story, my whiny bullshit. And you guys reacted, and in that sense I got exactly what I wanted. So you can believe my story or not, because every single person who took a minute to read it and respond to me gave me something that I needed.

Thanks, Mayberry.
 
Hamm said:
When I was a much younger person the Mayberry was always there for me, as I was lonely, essentially a typical basement dweller. I got involved in Sherdog and started training BJJ, and found the more I got into that, got out of the house, got fit, got confident the less I needed Sherdog. The less I posted in the Mayberry. Well I got involved with a woman who just tore me down in a lot of ways and my mental illness, depression, anxiety, anti-social disorder, came raging back. I quit training to focus on her, she became the most important thing in the world to me. And well, you guys mostly know how that worked out.

Well, she finally left me as I posted not long ago. It took a while to get that situation sorted out. Her brother came and got all her shit. The divorce is uncontested. There was a pretty clear line between what was hers and mine, I gave her any of the little things she wanted. Papers are signed and in the courts hands now. She tried to come back 2 weeks after leaving. I told her to piss off, she is back in town now living with her brother, I guess her parents could not handle her.

I am sitting in my truck right now. Everything I own in the world is packed under the tano cover. My dog is on the seat next to me. It is overcast, and looks like it might start raining soon. I have an old friend, and by that I mean a friend who is an old man. He was a drifter most of his life. Has lived everywhere in the country. He rode his bike from Wisconsin to Homestead, Florida one winter. He told me when he turned 18 and finally left home he kept a coin in the ashtray of his truck and whenever the mood hit him he flipped it. If he was travelling south, then heads was east and tails was west and he would just change direction. There is a quarter set on the dash in front of me. It is a 1981 quarter that I kept in my watch box for a few years, because I was born in 1981.

I sold a lot of stuff. I had a $4,000 bike that I got $800 bucks for and a bunch of other stuff that I just firesold on Facebook. My wife and I split the savings account. I have $13,000 in a check box under my truck seat. I have a Remington 870 that my grandpa gave me and a box of 00 buckshot behind the seat, I am not supposed to have it. But I do. I am listening to the Jason Isbell album Southeastern and typing this post on my laptop. I am still connected to the wifi inside the house from the driveway. When I leave my ex wife will be moving back in.

I made a lot of fucking mistakes in my day, and I wonder if I can leave them behind. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to tell that piece of shit woman that I did not want to be with her anymore. I told her to stay the fuck out of my life. Then I bawled like a fucking baby for an hour and hated myself. For (1) letting her go and (2) for being such a cuck that I cried for ditching her. My dog is whimpering and pawing at the door, he wants to go back inside, or in the back yard to play with his brother. Her dog. The one that aint coming with us.

I loaded the shotgun this morning and sat on the toilet with it between my knees for a few minutes. I knew the whole time that I was not going to pull the trigger. But I wanted to feel like I could. Like right there in that moment was the proof that I had control over something.

I am not a stupid guy. I guess that depends on how you define stupid. I have a Master's Degree in Urban Planning I finished it just before going away. But I have done a lot of stupid shit, so maybe I am. I have not been able to use it for anything, though. I am off parole, have been for a while, so if anyone was wondering that is not an issue.

Anyway my street connects to a highway that runs north for about a hundred miles to a major interstate. And south a little farther to another. When I hit the stop sign I am going to flip the coin. I could probably live off that 13 grand for quite a while.

Maybe I should use some of it to buy a camper for my truck? I dont think I really want to be a drifter though, I have always wanted to have roots.

I dont really have family, a sister in Arizona somewhere with 3 kids and a meth addiction. Parents are still alive, but they wouldnt roll out any welcome mat for me, so I am not running toward them.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Advice appreciated, as always.
Click to expand...

You have your health? Just stay positive dude

In some ways your situation sounds kind of liberating and adventurous
 
Hamm said:
Mayberry, I appreciate the sincere care you guys seem to have, it is actually really cool.

Honestly, I forget about Sherdog often, I post some stuff on here then lots of people respond and make me feel like I am not alone. I feel like I am heard for just a minute, and I appreciate it. I have used you guys just to feel like I have mattered. Thanks for that.

I only came back because I saw Joe Rogan on Instagram say something about crazy stuff happened at the last UFC, so I swung by to see what Sherdog said about it. I had a few messages and, honestly, some of you guys are pretty amazing.

There is no real ending to the OP of this thread. I drove all over the west and midwest, had a few interesting encounters, and settled in North Dakota. I got an alright job where I actually get to kinda use my degree. Met a woman a few months back, she lives in her place and I live in mine, and that isnt changing anytime soon.

My old friend I mentioned in the OP passed away and I came home for a week, seeing some old friends, and not hating the memories that much. The skeletons arent rattling much in the closet, mostly turned to dust, I guess.

Not training BJJ again... yet. I don't know if I will ever start again. I am seeing a therapist instead; costs more, helps less.

This was no grand adventure. There is no wrap-up. This is just my life, I am done looking at it like a different episode. Starting over? Flowery, poetic bullshit. Moving forward is more like it. What else is there?

I have read a lot of people calling me a troll, and I have never responded to it. But, yeah, I am a troll. I trolled Mayberry, posted my sad, pathetic story, my whiny bullshit. And you guys reacted, and in that sense I got exactly what I wanted. So you can believe my story or not, because every single person who took a minute to read it and respond to me gave me something that I needed.

Thanks, Mayberry.
Click to expand...
Well, sounds like things are going pretty well. Good to hear. Stop by and say hi every now and then. We'll be here.
 
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