Starting Over - Lost and Confused

[CataXL]

Hello everyone


This seemed like the most appropriate forum to get answers to the problems I'm having. I don’t really know where to start with the questions I have, so this will be a bit long as I’m going to explain the condition I’m currently in as best I can in addition to the problems that are in the way. Why bring this question to these forums? Well, I’ve wound up here several times over the years and for the most part I feel the people here will give me good information to work with. While I don’t want people to be rude, I’m at a point in life where a lot of things are weighing me down and I would like some unbiased guidance and opinions instead of coddling like friends seem to want to do.


I’m 33. I’ll start with my martial arts history even though it doesn’t mean much. In 7th grade my school started a Tai Chi program for students like me that had anxiety and depression issues. I did that for a couple of years. When I was 15 I started at a local TKD school. They mixed a lot of other things in, but it was mash-up of traditional martial arts. Yeah, I was the typical teenager that had the dreams of being like their favorite movie stars. After a while though, I was just happy being somewhere that people where happy to see me. I trained hard and never missed a test, and after almost 6 years I got my red belt.


It was around that time I started having to work (you know, like almost everyone else). My instructor was a butthead about me missing classes for work, and even though I performed exceptionally, I missed every test for the next two years because I “didn’t attend enough,” “don’t show enough loyalty” … stuff like that. It was depressing, it wore me down, and I eventually quit. It wasn’t about not getting promoted, but I didn’t believe it was fair to hold having to work against people.


Other things started happening during that two years though. I started becoming overly self-conscious. I was scared all the time. And eventually suicidal thoughts crept into my mind. I didn’t say anything because I was scared of how people would treat me. I bottled it up for a few years. That didn’t do any good. Eventually, I admitted myself to the hospital because I knew the anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts needed to end, but I needed help with the issues. I couldn’t keep living by losing job after job because of these issues.


Fast-forward to about 4 years ago. Things had finally gotten to a point where I was able to get on disability and see a doctor. She got me on medication for the anxiety and depression which has cut the bad thinking down to almost non-existent. I do have a thyroid issue we are working on keeping under control and that causes a lot of exhaustion and I am having trouble keeping my weight down. I’m male, 5’9”, and have been maintaining 210-215 lbs for the past year. We’ve also discussed blood pressure issues and why I’m running out of breath so easily. No answers there. I asked her about exercising several times and all she says is “just do what you can.”


Here’s the problem: I start getting light-headed bringing my foot up to put on my shoe, kneeling to look at a low shelf in the grocery store, or being out in the heat for more than 10 minutes. That’s not good at all. I have gone from being able to do 100 pushups and situps with little recovery to less than 20 of either leaving me so sore that I lose my breath if I move for over a week.

A friend wanted me to join his bjj class, but there are two major problems. First, I don’t have the money for those classes. Second, it would be quite a waste of money when I couldn’t even make it through two exercises in the warm-up without beginning to shake and get light headed. I’m also very much over uniforms, formalities, and that other stuff.


For me, it’s not about getting back to where I can spar with friends. I don’t want to have a heart attack before I’m 40. I don’t want to be stuck in this house anymore not being able to do anything because it’s a little warm outside. I’d like to be able to put on my shoes without needing to rest afterwards.


It seems like everything I start doing, I just can’t make enough progress to see any changes. Something is always knocking me back down. I realize sometimes that’s just life, but I’m tired of being useless.


Here are some things I have tried doing the past year:


I started using an app called Interval Trainer. Friends laughed and said I was just going to over work myself with it.


I bought a weight machine because it was on sale for $120. The lateral pulldown bar has been good for my back pain. Again, I get told that was a waste of money and useless because free weights are better than machines. Unfortunately, it also has to be outside and with the current temperatures in Alabama that’s a problem.


I started working on the traditional martial arts stuff I know and the 4 or 5 forms I remember… laughed at for being a guy with a pot belly doing martial arts forms.


I bought a bike and was asked what good I thought that would do.


At some point I started taking all this in. I mean, these are people that are gym regulars and are in shape. They have blue and purple belts in bjj. It doesn’t seem like I can find anything that will work. I just get laughed at if I do. It’s all a bit upsetting honestly. I know I hear my mom’s voice saying “to hell with what they think,” but I don’t have that many people around me anymore.


Any guidance would be helpful. Sorry for the book

 

[ripskater]

Man, you need a lifestyle change as you know. I don't know if you have a friend or a person at a church or place of worship that can give you encouragement, hold you accountable, pick you up when you fall, and encourage you to stay disciplined while dealing with some of the anxiety issues. You need a routine badly, but you also need someone to keep you accountable and encouraged.

I hope you can make progress and be a better you. But you're probably gonna need someone along the way for those things.

 

[Noodles03]

Unfortunately I don't have a solid answer, however you mention that you have a bike. I say you should begin your day with an early easy bike ride to get your blood going. Plus, nothing beats that cold early morning fresh air and that Zen like state of mind when you go for an easy jog or bike ride. Hopefully that would help you begin with your process back into training.

 

[Bloodhy]

Hats off to you for making the first step in coming here, opening up, and genuinely wanting to improve your current situation. On the positive side of things, you will progress very quickly given the current fitness level.

ripskater brought up a good point about the routine. The first thing you need is to set up a routine which you can stick to. It doesn't need to be fancy or complicated, but consistency is key. I suggest starting small not to overwhelm yourself. Start with a 30-minute walk or bike ride daily, and cut small junk items in your diet (Pop, junk food, snacks, etc...). The goal is to start small, be consistent, and then set bigger targets.

I'm not convinced working on martial art form will get you the results you want. Working on the form will help to perfect just that, but strength and conditioning goals should have their own means of achievements through resistance training and cardio. What is the weight machine you bought? I'm sure you can get a pretty decent workout with it despite other people's opinion on free weights.

Lastly, I strongly encourage you to start a log in the sub-forum section; it has helped me and others being accountable in regards to training.

 

[CataXL]

@ripskater I tried getting a couple of my friends to be accountability partners, specifically two that mentioned needing to get in shape themselves. Oddly, they were no longer so interested when I mentioned actually doing something. The mention of church or something else brings up the other big issue of going out. My social anxiety turned into agoraphobia. I have used this time productively by getting an education, but now I need to make the very long and rough strides of actually leaving the house. But, I'm getting there. I think I have finally come to some kind of breaking point where I know change has to happen.

@Noodles03 That was a thought I'd had, but haven't acted on because of nothing more than safety in this area. I've had more than one run in with groups of drunks trying to start fights with anyone out walking, and I've been followed several times. Even if I was in great shape some places are best avoided. As ripskater said, I could really use somebody else to go with me to a safer spot to ride bikes. I typed so much that I forgot an important part, once I start getting hot I begin to have muscle spasms that continue off and on for a few days. I can deal with that, but I can't drive because of them. The doctor says it's just from the anxiety and they begin because I get myself all panicked when I start having difficulty exercising. *Finding another doctor to get a second opinion is also on the to-do list.

@Bloodhy Yeah, the forms were just something I found fun to do. I couldn't get through more than three repetitions a year ago without having a lot of difficulty breathing; but, it was something I felt like I could get a little more accomplished with. They don't cut it though. The weight machine is a Marcy 200 lb. stack gym. Specifically, it's this one http://www.academy.com/shop/pdp/marcy-mwm-9880-lb-stack-home-gym#repChildCatid=580456 The local Academy was getting something else, so they had it marked down to $120. First machine I ever put together... took 7 hours haha.

As far as goals, I wrote some down, but it doesn't seem like much.

I would like to be able to:

*Jog 1 mile without feeling like vomiting and being sore for two weeks. Time isn't that important at the moment.
*50 push-ups and sit-ups with good form and breathing. Right now, my arms are shaky and sore doing 5 push-ups so that's going to take a while.
*I would like to be able to get through 30 minutes of light to medium cardio without having headaches and having to sleep it off for several hours on top of the soreness I get from everything else.
*I want to drop from 215 lbs. to 195 lbs. and be able to maintain it. 175 would be even better eventually.

Honestly, I really enjoy that weight machine. Puts a damper on the mood when people ride by staring at the fat guy, but I guess if I was in shape people would still do that. I actually did intend on getting free weights when I went in the store that day, but it was difficult to pass up that price.

I'm going to take a look at some of the logs others keep and see how to do it.

 

[JonJonesLines]

I know how the anxiety sucks and the medication is almost as bad. That being said, I can tell you are still extremely anxious and need to change medications. It's a rough process but you need to.

Once you do that and truly feel better, come back and we will help you out man. Best of luck and I will be looking out for future posts!

 

[CataXL]

It does need to change. I was put on 20mg of Paxil, and it did fine so long as the world around me was serene and just right lol. Once classes started each semester I was a wreck. So, for the past 7 1/2 years of college I got to become a basket case for half the year. I took classes part time after the first three years, half a semester at a time, so that I could recover from the stress. Though this has been considerably better than the other 10-12 medications I tried over the years, I told the doctor I wanted to try something else. She said she would like to increase the dose of this to 40mg a day first. That didn't work. I spent every day feeling like mush, so she cut it back to 20mg until I see her again in October (yay, once every six months ).

Right now I am a bit lost with everything in life, and this seems like the one thing I can take control of with some guidance. The nervousness of laying all this out on the forums may also show through in my writing. I've been rather upset about all this for a couple of weeks. The initial idea was that by the time I finished my associate's degree this doctor and I would have all this stuff sorted out, I'd be off of disability, and into a real job that I could hold down. That came and went... then the bachelor's, and now a master's.... and I'm still fighting the same mess. There's a lot of frustration in that. But, I'm not the only one, and people bounce back from considerably worse situations. At least I have support of family and don't have to worry about bills at the moment. I also want to use this as a stepping stone to getting back to work. Right now, I would be in a lot of trouble if I had to work just four hours a day. That's no way to live

 

[JonJonesLines]

It does need to change. I was put on 20mg of Paxil, and it did fine so long as the world around me was serene and just right lol. Once classes started each semester I was a wreck. So, for the past 7 1/2 years of college I got to become a basket case for half the year. I took classes part time after the first three years, half a semester at a time, so that I could recover from the stress. Though this has been considerably better than the other 10-12 medications I tried over the years, I told the doctor I wanted to try something else. She said she would like to increase the dose of this to 40mg a day first. That didn't work. I spent every day feeling like mush, so she cut it back to 20mg until I see her again in October (yay, once every six months ).

Right now I am a bit lost with everything in life, and this seems like the one thing I can take control of with some guidance. The nervousness of laying all this out on the forums may also show through in my writing. I've been rather upset about all this for a couple of weeks. The initial idea was that by the time I finished my associate's degree this doctor and I would have all this stuff sorted out, I'd be off of disability, and into a real job that I could hold down. That came and went... then the bachelor's, and now a master's.... and I'm still fighting the same mess. There's a lot of frustration in that. But, I'm not the only one, and people bounce back from considerably worse situations. At least I have support of family and don't have to worry about bills at the moment. I also want to use this as a stepping stone to getting back to work. Right now, I would be in a lot of trouble if I had to work just four hours a day. That's no way to live

I understand completely. My suggestion to you would be to start walking. Aim for 10,000 steps a day. Eliminate the junk food. Drink water and only water.

I struggled immensely throughout my younger years with anxiety. To the point that I wouldn't leave my house for days on end, I wouldn't go out to eat for fear of seeing old friends, I wouldn't do anything if it was outside of my routine. I got on the right medication (zoloft worked for me in conjuction with a stimulant) and have been okay since. It takes time and that's the hardest part to hear.

 

[CataXL]

Yeah, it does take time. I was reading the Starting Strength page and it talked about going from alarm/shock to adaptation/resistance and avoiding exhaustion/overtraining. I think maybe there's been a combination of others I trained with pushing me too hard combined with my desire for more immediate results in my private routines that have caused me to jump straight to stage 3, hence always being ridiculously sore and feeling more defeated than I was when I started.

I hated anything to do with weights because I "wasn't good at it." But, what happened was the guy started me on a routine doing two sets of 20 on every machine every day. After the second day, I quite literally couldn't sit up to get out of bed. Or the bjj class I tried that started with a 2-mile run following that up with a ton of other stuff. I was beaten before I started.

 

[Sano]

Good on you for getting it out there and wanting a change, that is the first step.

A lot of good things have already been said in this thread, but here's my 2 cents.

First of all, you shouldn't give two fucks about what they think about you trying to better yourself. I know emotionally, you have a hard time doing that, but logically I'm telling you that most people don't know anything about exercises choices and the human psyche. They will have their time of hardships as well, because that is a part of life. It happens sooner rather than later to some of us, but it happens to us all. They will learn.

Machines are an excellent choice if it's something you are comfortable with and it gets you going. There's plenty of research and evidence showing great improvements from machines, even simular to free weights, in a lot of cases. Don't worry about it, you will get a lot out of it.

As you already talked about, start slow. I know what it's like. You want results, you want change now, you go all in and then you don't do well and don't recover. You feel defeated, and worse than before. Exercises doesn't have to be an uphill battle. Find a few things you like doing on the machine, and start slow. Don't overwork yourself, leave some in the tank and enjoy it instead. They key is being consistent.

Don't do high intensity stuff right now. Feed that parasympathetic nervous systems with walks, hiking, swimming, relaxing bike rides or whichever you prefer. A stationary bike would work just as well, if you don't want to do it on the road and want to be indoors. You can start with 15-20 mins just at a pace that doesn't bring about headaches and dizzyness. Again, don't kill yourself, but find a routine. Over time you can increase the weights you are doing and duration of exercise, but building your body is a marathon, not a sprint.

Setting small goals is very important. I think your goals are pretty good, but perhaps set smaller stepping stones as well. Things that you can achieve earlier.

Talk to your doctor about your blood pressure and the dizzyness. Might be related to your medication as well. Try cleaning up your diet a little bit. Don't go on "diets" trying to lose weight right away. Look for better alternatives, eat healthier, slowly cut out the junkfood. It has to be something you enjoy doing, and healthy food can taste great.

Good luck with everything, it's just about getting started. Keeping a training log on here as suggested would be a good idea as well.

 

[Phlog]

It's really all about small progressive steps, small goals leading to bigger ones.

Fat people exercising is intrinsically funny, that is just a truth. That's no reason to avoid it tho. I always have respect for people working hard while not looking the part.

My father told me a story about when he was young and had to carry a cast iron kettle on an airplane. He complained to his uncle that he didn't want to look stupid carrying a kettle through than airport. His uncle responded: "sure, all they can say is there goes a man with a kettle."

All they can say is there goes a man trying to get fitter.

 

[ThunderL1ps]

Two more cents to add to the other suggestions:

Something that hasn't been addressed is your mental state outside of working out -- which will also affect your dedication to fitness long-term.

You may want to look into neurofeedback therapy for your anxiety/depression type issues. I've recently started it due to post concussion syndrome and some of the issues I've had (sporadic energy levels; brain fog; processing new information; anxiety/emotional issues, etc.) have improved really quick (two sessions! I am not joking!) enough where I've noticed a big improvement. For your reference, it is amazing how quickly the emotional issues have subsided. Like night and day. I am no longer on edge like I was (which was unbearable at times). It does not involve being on any medication whatsoever. Where i go it is 75 dollars a session. Money well spent. The amount of sessions depend on the individual. PM me if you want more details.

Here is a program from TVO (TV Ontario) about neurofeedback and only some of the groups it helps:




Weight management should also be discussed. When you exercise you are going to make yourself hungrier (building up an appetite). What are you eating? What do you drink? What are you fueling yourself with presently?

Rome wasn't built in a day. Celebrate the small steps you take in improving your situation on a daily basis.

 

[CataXL]

Thanks for the help so far It has meant a lot and I've shared the advice I have received with a friend who intends to help.

Regarding my present mental state... to be completely honest, it's not been good. Not a sob story, just some reasoning behind why I have ended up with this anxiety/depression issue. To keep it simple, 17 years of mental, physical, and sexual abuse. Then lots of "get over it" and stubbornness of trying to push it down and plow through it compounded the issue.

My martial arts history also didn't help. The TKD school was a very unhealthy environment now that I look back on it. There was more than one night of sparring with higher ranks where I went home with fingers and toes bleeding and bruises all over in the shape of fists. Then being told, "those kinds of injuries just happen because your body is weak." Nope, those kinds of injuries happen when there is a lack of control and respect and people that are supposed to be training partners consider you an extra punching bag. The same mentality applied whenever we did any kind of cardio or strength training. It turned me off of wanting to participate in new environments because I have assumed for a long time that everyone was like that in those places. I always thought I was inadequate because I couldn't bench the bar (45lbs I think. I don't know), but they would set it at 125 lbs and I had to keep pushing/pulling until I moved it. That kind of stuff.

I've learned that places like that don't represent martial arts or the fitness community. They are just buttheads

*Edit: I forgot to mention health information/diet stuff.

I generally follow the diabetic diet my grandparents are on. There are also restrictions because of my own medial issues. We don't really have the money to go around to cook separate meals. But, we avoid fried foods. For myself, bread and pasta is extremely limited because I get very sick when I eat it. I eat lots of chicken breasts, tuna, and tilapia. I eat these because I can buy a bag of frozen chicken breasts and frozen tilapia fillets cheaply. They are simple enough to wrap in aluminum foil and bake when I'm up late. Pork makes me sick, and so does undercooked beef. So, most of my red meat, which I love, is hamburger steaks or beef roasts with gravy... and who doesn't like a slow cooked roast That's really the only limits. I don't care for sweets much. If I do want something, then every two weeks or so I'll get one of those individual slices of pie in the store. Cost me more, but we don't need a whole pie sitting around. I prefer kiwi, mango, those seedless oranges, or blueberries. Don't like melons... gross lol. We eat lots of fresh produce. Actually, we still freeze and can a lot of our own. Cokes were a weakness for a long time. I'm talking 2-3 cases a week. I cut that back over a year ago. I do still drink them, but it's one or two cans a week. I've actually cut caffeinated drinks down to tea (1/3 cup sugar per gallon when I make it), and instead I drink water with a little lime juice. I'm on the road to cutting caffeine out completely. Late night snacking used to be horrible. I ate because of stress. Now that I have substituted junk for real food, I don't feel the need to constantly eat. If I decide I want something, I make the effort to prepare something simple. My late night meals/snacks are only one of three things: a small baked potato with a little seasoned salt, a diced tomato with some cucumber and a little red wine vinegar, or a couple of poached/boiled eggs. I figure if I can't be bothered to prepare something decent, then I'm not actually hungry

 

[boingyman]

When was the last time you seen your PCM? I would let him know some of the things you mentioned. He can evaluate you, possible adjust medication if needed. I would also ask your PCM if you can get a referral to see a dietitian

 

[ripskater]

Thanks for the help so far It has meant a lot and I've shared the advice I have received with a friend who intends to help.

Regarding my present mental state... to be completely honest, it's not been good. Not a sob story, just some reasoning behind why I have ended up with this anxiety/depression issue. To keep it simple, 17 years of mental, physical, and sexual abuse. Then lots of "get over it" and stubbornness of trying to push it down and plow through it compounded the issue.

My martial arts history also didn't help. The TKD school was a very unhealthy environment now that I look back on it. There was more than one night of sparring with higher ranks where I went home with fingers and toes bleeding and bruises all over in the shape of fists. Then being told, "those kinds of injuries just happen because your body is weak." Nope, those kinds of injuries happen when there is a lack of control and respect and people that are supposed to be training partners consider you an extra punching bag. The same mentality applied whenever we did any kind of cardio or strength training. It turned me off of wanting to participate in new environments because I have assumed for a long time that everyone was like that in those places. I always thought I was inadequate because I couldn't bench the bar (45lbs I think. I don't know), but they would set it at 125 lbs and I had to keep pushing/pulling until I moved it. That kind of stuff.

I've learned that places like that don't represent martial arts or the fitness community. They are just buttheads

*Edit: I forgot to mention health information/diet stuff.

I generally follow the diabetic diet my grandparents are on. There are also restrictions because of my own medial issues. We don't really have the money to go around to cook separate meals. But, we avoid fried foods. For myself, bread and pasta is extremely limited because I get very sick when I eat it. I eat lots of chicken breasts, tuna, and tilapia. I eat these because I can buy a bag of frozen chicken breasts and frozen tilapia fillets cheaply. They are simple enough to wrap in aluminum foil and bake when I'm up late. Pork makes me sick, and so does undercooked beef. So, most of my red meat, which I love, is hamburger steaks or beef roasts with gravy... and who doesn't like a slow cooked roast That's really the only limits. I don't care for sweets much. If I do want something, then every two weeks or so I'll get one of those individual slices of pie in the store. Cost me more, but we don't need a whole pie sitting around. I prefer kiwi, mango, those seedless oranges, or blueberries. Don't like melons... gross lol. We eat lots of fresh produce. Actually, we still freeze and can a lot of our own. Cokes were a weakness for a long time. I'm talking 2-3 cases a week. I cut that back over a year ago. I do still drink them, but it's one or two cans a week. I've actually cut caffeinated drinks down to tea (1/3 cup sugar per gallon when I make it), and instead I drink water with a little lime juice. I'm on the road to cutting caffeine out completely. Late night snacking used to be horrible. I ate because of stress. Now that I have substituted junk for real food, I don't feel the need to constantly eat. If I decide I want something, I make the effort to prepare something simple. My late night meals/snacks are only one of three things: a small baked potato with a little seasoned salt, a diced tomato with some cucumber and a little red wine vinegar, or a couple of poached/boiled eggs. I figure if I can't be bothered to prepare something decent, then I'm not actually hungry

You've been through a lot, but persevere, stick to your plan and don't give up.
Galatians 6:9
9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

 

[CataXL]

When was the last time you seen your PCM? I would let him know some of the things you mentioned. He can evaluate you, possible adjust medication if needed. I would also ask your PCM if you can get a referral to see a dietitian

I saw her last in April and I'm not scheduled to see her again until October or November. I'm in the process of searching for another medical doctor as well as a psychiatrist. By "in the process" I mean I'm saving the money to go elsewhere. Finding them doesn't take much more effort than a Google search lol.