BJJ and Depression

[Evenflow80]

I'm not even sure if this is allowed or against the rules, but the anonymity of this forum makes it much easier to take about things I'm positive some, if not many, fellow grapplers struggle with.

Since November, my wife of 16 years went on anti depressants , and within weeks, fell out of love with me and desperately wanted a divorce. She had a brief affair (mostly online) and broke it off and I forgave her, and I spent the next 6 months or so trying to "fix" things with her. I tried my absolute best.

In April she finally moved out with her niece. I even helped her cosign for an apartment since she has 0 credit history. I even let her keep my car until she finds one and helped buy some furniture for her etc.

A week after she moved out, I found out she's restarted thr affair with the same guy almost 6 months ago. She only left him for less than a month. I found all the videos they left for each other, and even found out a weekend trip I got her with her 2 girlfriends, she met him there and he was with them the whole time, sleeping in room I paid for.

At any rate, she's been out of the house foe 2 months and divorce is with judge to sign off on. The point of this thread is that while I've always suffered from clinical depressions, I've been taken Wellbutrin for years and unlike more traditional SSRIs , gave me no side effects and I've been feeling better for years. Consistent training in BJJ without breaks for 8 years sure helped too.

But.... for 2 months now.... I stopped Going. I train at Legion in San Diego (super competitive gym) run by Keenan.

I'm a black belt. Which makes it so much harder to just waltz in after 2 months of bring in bed or on couch deeply depressed (it came back more than ever now). As a bb, if I walk in now in the mental and physical state I'm in, a white belt at this academy will kill me. It makes it harder to get back.

I stopped taking my 10 year old too, and he's done it for 3 years. We used to share that common bond together, but being out for ao long, he says he doesn't want to do it anymore .

I'm at the cusp of quitting too. After 8 long hard years of consistently training 3-5 times a week, I'm at the cusp of calling it quits.

I dont know how get back up to where I was before my wife left , and not only that, I dont know how long this pain and depression over being abandoned and so openly cheated on all this time without knowing, after 16 years of marriage, will last. It's almost impossible to do something like BJJ with such severe depression.

Anyone else go thru divorce , an affair, or anything thay caused you long term and severe depression? I didn't even get to say goodbye to my true , loving, sweet wife I knew for 16 years, since the antidepressant killed that person and replaced her with this cruel, cold, selfish monster .

I hope this isn't against the forum rules. But it would he nice to hear others share their similar stories and how and when they overcame it.

Thank you for reading

 

[biscuitsbrah]

In my experience and my friends, exercise helps tremendously with depression.

When my best friend killed himself I was devastated. Cried everyday on the way to the gym and on the way back home. But I think exercising helped my brain cope better. Something about the endorphins and what it does to you. Actually got over his death relatively quickly compared to others.

My friend also was dealing with a very bad cocaine addiction. Like all day everyday he would do cocaine, screwing up his six figure job and going so broke where he couldn’t pay bills and had to sell about 7 grand worth of Gucci belts and wallets and man purses for about $700. One day he was so angry at the world and decided he would start working out again. Beat his hardcore addiction super easily compared to others I’ve seen. But this guy worked out very hard.

Anyways those are just my experiences. Sorry about your shitty wife. I would say don’t worry about looking shitty or getting smashed on the mats. If you just go consistently I’m sure you will be back to your old skills in a matter of 2 months, and won’t be absolute garbage in a month.

But yeah you have to love the type of exercise you’re doing, in order to do it consistently. If you fell out of love with jiujitsu there are always other forms of exercise

 

[Smato_rules]

My ex fiancé got a really bad concussion horse back riding, and that messed with her personality a bit, she was put on fucking antidepressants to help with her sleep and it completely ruined her. She became withdrawn, uninterested, and seemed like an entirely different person. While my breakup isn’t particularly similar to yours, I entirely know what you mean when you said you never got to say goodbye to the person you used to know. I think about that every day. Bjj honestly saved my life after our breakup, I know it’s cliche but I really got fucked up.

Maybe go to classes that are less competitive? I’m 31 and really don’t like competition classes anymore, and when I spent two years in Florida I trained at a gym with small classes of about 6-8 people, mostly over 40-50, and while we were all very good, kept it fun. Those classes were the most fun I’ve ever had doing bjj. Or maybe do some striking. Exercise high is very very real for me. Another thing you could do is a nice strength program that won’t beat you into the ground. I like Dan John’s programs, I leave the gym feeling fresh and energetic rather than beat up.

I’m sorry this happened to you; things will get better so long as you continue to live and try to better your life.

 

[ChickenBrother]

Sorry to hear about this bro. You sound like a good dude and I was rooting for you when you were talking about imposter syndrome and leaving your old gym for Legion. Wish I could offer a quick fix but we all know marriages take a lot of work to maintain and are rarely perfect. My wife and I have been having issues for a long time and I don't know how that's going to end up.

I agree with the posters above about exercise. When you're feeling down and out is when you need it the most. Since childhood I've relied on exercise as my main confidence booster to deal with the shit life throws at you. It's my happy place whether it's running, lifting weights, grappling or just going for a walk outside. I know it's easier said than done, but put the past in the fuck it bucket, get your sweat on and get back to living for the things that make you happy.

 

[EndlessCritic]

Cut your losses. BJJ is forever.

 

[Subotai82]

Damn, OP. that is a hell of a story to put on this forum. You have my sympathies. that is a truly heartbreaking situation that would destroy many men.

Nothing anyone can write here will help you with that kind of pain. I would suggest speaking to a professional about this, like a therapist or counsellor. if you are sharing this online, you obviously want to talk about it. It should be with someone who can really listen and try to help your mentality.

Of course you already know physical exercise helps with depression. If you cannot find the motivation for BJJ, why not try some other activity? there is a world of possibilities beyond BJJ that can keep you healthy, some of them quite social if that is what you like.

I will say this: The idea of being intimidated by white belts at your gym, that you are not worthy of your black belt..... That is your ego fucking with you. it is your insecurity keeping you from healthy activity.

There is a small 55 year old black belt at my academy, he is a heart attack survivor, everybody respects him. Nobody thinks bad of him if he gets dominated on the mat by some big young white belt. He is a valued member of the training environment, he has good advice to share.

I know the "higher belt must always win" expectation is rampant at BJJ schools, but it is honestly one of the worst aspects of BJJ culture. It creates so much unnecessary stress about training.

Look man, Marcelo Garcia, he is one of the best to ever do it, MG has posted videos of his own students doing well against him in rolling. if MG can have a bad night on the mats, so can you.

Just showing up is a victory, that has been said many times by many people.

I sincerely wish you well and hope you can move beyond this. Whether it means getting back to BJJ or finding some new passion.

I disagree with the post previous to mine, "BJJ is forever." BJJ is not forever, BJJ is not everything.

BJJ is finite, we all commit less time to the mats as we get older, and leave eventually for our own reasons, and that is OK. some of the founders and legends of BJJ barely train anymore, and that is OK.

You do not have to be Mr BJJ with your son. You can be a new person, a different person, a happier person.

Good luck to you.

 

[mattemate]

Honestly man, between this and your posts about leaving the old academy and going to Legion, it sounds like you're kind of passive, let life kick you around. And it also sounds like you care more about what other people think about you than you care about making yourself happy.

Your boy is watching every bit of this unfold.

What have you done for YOURSELF lately?

I've been married and divorced three times. Women are a fucking mystery. You can go to the redpill or listen to Andrew Tate or whatever the fuck you want. It doesn't matter, they're gonna do what they're gonna do. So don't worry about it. Forget the "true, loving, sweet wife" you were with for so long. She's gone, if she was ever there. I was with one 11 years. Couldn't please her, started pleasing myself finally, and left her worthless ass. I don't miss a thing. Nothing at all. What about your wife do you even miss? Her lying, cheating, playing you, bringing in Sancho on your dime while her whorish friends covered for her? Fuck that shit, man.

Get off your pitty potty, and get back in the gym. Take your son. He doesn't get a choice, he's 10. If he doesn't want to go it's just because he's matching your energy.

Shit is hard, I know. You've got to shake it off man. Just push through the resistance, and you'll see it wasn't as bad as you thought.

 

[Evenflow80]

In my experience and my friends, exercise helps tremendously with depression.

When my best friend killed himself I was devastated. Cried everyday on the way to the gym and on the way back home. But I think exercising helped my brain cope better. Something about the endorphins and what it does to you. Actually got over his death relatively quickly compared to others.

My friend also was dealing with a very bad cocaine addiction. Like all day everyday he would do cocaine, screwing up his six figure job and going so broke where he couldn’t pay bills and had to sell about 7 grand worth of Gucci belts and wallets and man purses for about $700. One day he was so angry at the world and decided he would start working out again. Beat his hardcore addiction super easily compared to others I’ve seen. But this guy worked out very hard.

Anyways those are just my experiences. Sorry about your shitty wife. I would say don’t worry about looking shitty or getting smashed on the mats. If you just go consistently I’m sure you will be back to your old skills in a matter of 2 months, and won’t be absolute garbage in a month.

But yeah you have to love the type of exercise you’re doing, in order to do it consistently. If you fell out of love with jiujitsu there are always other forms of exercise

I'm so sorry about your friends suicide

Thank uou for your genuine response

 

[Evenflow80]

My ex fiancé got a really bad concussion horse back riding, and that messed with her personality a bit, she was put on fucking antidepressants to help with her sleep and it completely ruined her. She became withdrawn, uninterested, and seemed like an entirely different person. While my breakup isn’t particularly similar to yours, I entirely know what you mean when you said you never got to say goodbye to the person you used to know. I think about that every day. Bjj honestly saved my life after our breakup, I know it’s cliche but I really got fucked up.

Maybe go to classes that are less competitive? I’m 31 and really don’t like competition classes anymore, and when I spent two years in Florida I trained at a gym with small classes of about 6-8 people, mostly over 40-50, and while we were all very good, kept it fun. Those classes were the most fun I’ve ever had doing bjj. Or maybe do some striking. Exercise high is very very real for me. Another thing you could do is a nice strength program that won’t beat you into the ground. I like Dan John’s programs, I leave the gym feeling fresh and energetic rather than beat up.

I’m sorry this happened to you; things will get better so long as you continue to live and try to better your life.

Thank you my friend. Unfortunalty at Legion there is no "less competitive class"

I mean, there is the parents beginner class where they don't really roll and practice side Control and mount....

It's wierd about how antidepressants ruin so many relationships. I know you said you seem to be over it, but you still said you think about it everyday.

I'm part of a great support group on Facebook called "Marriages ruined by SSRIs and antidepressants". You would be amazed at how common our experiences are. It's insane

 

[Evenflow80]

Sorry to hear about this bro. You sound like a good dude and I was rooting for you when you were talking about imposter syndrome and leaving your old gym for Legion. Wish I could offer a quick fix but we all know marriages take a lot of work to maintain and are rarely perfect. My wife and I have been having issues for a long time and I don't know how that's going to end up.

I agree with the posters above about exercise. When you're feeling down and out is when you need it the most. Since childhood I've relied on exercise as my main confidence booster to deal with the shit life throws at you. It's my happy place whether it's running, lifting weights, grappling or just going for a walk outside. I know it's easier said than done, but put the past in the fuck it bucket, get your sweat on and get back to living for the things that make you happy.

Thank you for the kind words.

It's funny to think that less than a year ago, before all this happened, my biggest worry was whether to switch academies or not.

Life really has a way of humbling you sometimes

 

[Evenflow80]

Damn, OP. that is a hell of a story to put on this forum. You have my sympathies. that is a truly heartbreaking situation that would destroy many men.

Nothing anyone can write here will help you with that kind of pain. I would suggest speaking to a professional about this, like a therapist or counsellor. if you are sharing this online, you obviously want to talk about it. It should be with someone who can really listen and try to help your mentality.

Of course you already know physical exercise helps with depression. If you cannot find the motivation for BJJ, why not try some other activity? there is a world of possibilities beyond BJJ that can keep you healthy, some of them quite social if that is what you like.

I will say this: The idea of being intimidated by white belts at your gym, that you are not worthy of your black belt..... That is your ego fucking with you. it is your insecurity keeping you from healthy activity.

There is a small 55 year old black belt at my academy, he is a heart attack survivor, everybody respects him. Nobody thinks bad of him if he gets dominated on the mat by some big young white belt. He is a valued member of the training environment, he has good advice to share.

I know the "higher belt must always win" expectation is rampant at BJJ schools, but it is honestly one of the worst aspects of BJJ culture. It creates so much unnecessary stress about training.

Look man, Marcelo Garcia, he is one of the best to ever do it, MG has posted videos of his own students doing well against him in rolling. if MG can have a bad night on the mats, so can you.

Just showing up is a victory, that has been said many times by many people.

I sincerely wish you well and hope you can move beyond this. Whether it means getting back to BJJ or finding some new passion.

I disagree with the post previous to mine, "BJJ is forever." BJJ is not forever, BJJ is not everything.

BJJ is finite, we all commit less time to the mats as we get older, and leave eventually for our own reasons, and that is OK. some of the founders and legends of BJJ barely train anymore, and that is OK.

You do not have to be Mr BJJ with your son. You can be a new person, a different person, a happier person.

Good luck to you.

Thank you so much

 

[Evenflow80]

Honestly man, between this and your posts about leaving the old academy and going to Legion, it sounds like you're kind of passive, let life kick you around. And it also sounds like you care more about what other people think about you than you care about making yourself happy.

Your boy is watching every bit of this unfold.

What have you done for YOURSELF lately?

I've been married and divorced three times. Women are a fucking mystery. You can go to the redpill or listen to Andrew Tate or whatever the fuck you want. It doesn't matter, they're gonna do what they're gonna do. So don't worry about it. Forget the "true, loving, sweet wife" you were with for so long. She's gone, if she was ever there. I was with one 11 years. Couldn't please her, started pleasing myself finally, and left her worthless ass. I don't miss a thing. Nothing at all. What about your wife do you even miss? Her lying, cheating, playing you, bringing in Sancho on your dime while her whorish friends covered for her? Fuck that shit, man.

Get off your pitty potty, and get back in the gym. Take your son. He doesn't get a choice, he's 10. If he doesn't want to go it's just because he's matching your energy.

Shit is hard, I know. You've got to shake it off man. Just push through the resistance, and you'll see it wasn't as bad as you thought.

Wow , 3 times divorced. I can't even imagine how much thst must have hardened you.

Yeah man, never in a million years would I have ever thought my wife, of all people, would do this. I still really believe the antidepressants changed her, but no one seems to agree and maybe I am wrong.

Women truly are a mystery. I feel like rhe older generation took things like marriage more seriously. They went into it assuming it's for life.

But these days, I don't know... maybe it's women getting too much attention and simps with all the social media wr have now, and it went to their heads, where they now think men are a dime a dozen and no matter who they are with, that they can do better.

I wish I can be as emotionally and mentally tough as you. Im seeing both a therapist and a physiciatrist and both tell me essentially what you are. But unfortunately, I'm cursed with always being a softy towards people I love.

Oh and btw... my wife really was a shitty wife and mother. Lazy and did nothing. So yrah... your not the only one who asked me what exactly did I like about her.

 

[Evenflow80]

Damn, OP. that is a hell of a story to put on this forum. You have my sympathies. that is a truly heartbreaking situation that would destroy many men.

Nothing anyone can write here will help you with that kind of pain. I would suggest speaking to a professional about this, like a therapist or counsellor. if you are sharing this online, you obviously want to talk about it. It should be with someone who can really listen and try to help your mentality.

Of course you already know physical exercise helps with depression. If you cannot find the motivation for BJJ, why not try some other activity? there is a world of possibilities beyond BJJ that can keep you healthy, some of them quite social if that is what you like.

I will say this: The idea of being intimidated by white belts at your gym, that you are not worthy of your black belt..... That is your ego fucking with you. it is your insecurity keeping you from healthy activity.

There is a small 55 year old black belt at my academy, he is a heart attack survivor, everybody respects him. Nobody thinks bad of him if he gets dominated on the mat by some big young white belt. He is a valued member of the training environment, he has good advice to share.

I know the "higher belt must always win" expectation is rampant at BJJ schools, but it is honestly one of the worst aspects of BJJ culture. It creates so much unnecessary stress about training.

Look man, Marcelo Garcia, he is one of the best to ever do it, MG has posted videos of his own students doing well against him in rolling. if MG can have a bad night on the mats, so can you.

Just showing up is a victory, that has been said many times by many people.

I sincerely wish you well and hope you can move beyond this. Whether it means getting back to BJJ or finding some new passion.

I disagree with the post previous to mine, "BJJ is forever." BJJ is not forever, BJJ is not everything.

BJJ is finite, we all commit less time to the mats as we get older, and leave eventually for our own reasons, and that is OK. some of the founders and legends of BJJ barely train anymore, and that is OK.

You do not have to be Mr BJJ with your son. You can be a new person, a different person, a happier person.

Good luck to you.

I'm seeing both a therapist and a physciatrist. The latter prescribed some anti anxiety meds that isn't addictive like zanax.

It does help to talk to my therapist not going to lie

 

[mattemate]

I disagree with the post previous to mine, "BJJ is forever." BJJ is not forever, BJJ is not everything.

I think the point was more along the lines that BJJ won't abandon you (unless you face Khabib).

Wow , 3 times divorced. I can't even imagine how much thst must have hardened you.

Wives 1 & 3 both cheated. Wife 2 may have, but she was manipulative, lazy... Really just an awful person but I didn't see it, or tried to look past it. It's a long story, which I won't get into.

But these days, I don't know... maybe it's women getting too much attention and simps with all the social media wr have now, and it went to their heads, where they now think men are a dime a dozen and no matter who they are with, that they can do better.

I agree. Feminism + mass media + an agenda to destroy families and western culture = the current state of society

I wish I can be as emotionally and mentally tough as you. Im seeing both a therapist and a physiciatrist and both tell me essentially what you are. But unfortunately, I'm cursed with always being a softy towards people I love.

I'm not particularly tough, I've just been through a lot so have developed a tough shell. But here's the thing, EVERYONE goes through a lot, one way or the other. I just found out, after reading this post actually, my buddy's daughter, beautiful young girl in her early 20s, just died. So wtf? When I was a kid my cousin who was my best friend died of cancer, my best friend growing up drowned when I was 18, my sister committed suicide when I was 20, and three years ago the only woman I REALLY loved, that I would have spent the rest of my life with, died at 29. Life is difficult, dude!

And I'll say this. Divorces 1&3 were bad, every divorce takes a lot out of you. But the 11 year one was much worse, because my kids were involved, and she leveraged them against me in the divorce, and continues to do so. Honestly, that divorce was WORSE on me emotionally than all of those deaths I mentioned (my sister included) except the one three years ago where my girl died.

My point being, you're in a difficult situation, your life has been inverted, and if you WEREN'T depressed and feeling some shade of this, something would be seriously wrong with you. So go easy on yourself, understand that it's going to take time to process and for this shit to wash out. You don't just process a 16 year relationship in two months. We don't work like that, it's antithetical to the human condition.

I wish I can be as emotionally and mentally tough as you.

Again, I want to reiterate I'm probably not. I'm probably still clinically depressed, but fuck that shit. I have an agenda which I'm pursuing, and no one is going to stop me. That's all. You have one life, one shot to take your stand. Some days, even weeks, I don't do shit, I'm a lazy, depressed bump on a fucking log. But I always feel like shit, so I force myself to get up off my ass and make something happen. That's all it is. Harden your will and impose it. Don't yield.

I'm seeing both a therapist and a physciatrist. The latter prescribed some anti anxiety meds that isn't addictive like zanax.

That's good. Not trying to go all Joe Rogan here. I have a background in neuro, and it's being shown that psilocybin is more or less blowing out all the SSRIs and NDRIs (like Wellbutrin) out of the water. They also have the unique benefit and property of being the only known substance that can actually regrow grey matter, as well as being a major catalyst in neuroplasticity. It could be an opportunity to rewire yourself, make yourself into who you want to be. Andrew Huberman had a really good podcast about it 3 weeks ago. Check it out, maybe it's for you.

It's good that you started this thread. This is actually probably my favorite community on the internet. Look, remember, you're a BJJ black belt. That shit is more difficult than ANYTHING that more than 99% of the population will ever do with their lives. It's more difficult than becoming a Marine, than getting your PhD, than building most businesses. No one can take that from you.

You already have the right stuff to get through this, you just have forgotten temporarily. Let the feelings come as they will and wash out over time. You're probably ALWAYS going to be angry with her at some level. It's OK. I hate wife number 2, absolutely. It feels good to say it honestly instead of pretending we're cool, because we're not and never will be. Jesus forgives, so he can forgive my ass for not forgiving her.

You got done dirty. It happens. We're monkeys that learned to talk, and monkeys do stupid, irrational shit. So, you know what? FUCK IT. Fuck it dude. Give yourself time to get over this, and in the meantime, make a plan, start setting some goals, and knock them out. It can be going for a walk. Fuck it, little shit adds up and compounds over time. And make sure your boy is doing stuff and that he's OK too. Don't shit talk his mom, but don't sugar coat things either. In a sane world this wouldn't happen, but it's NOT a sane world, so you have to find your own sanity.

 

[Dana's Moonface]

Dude I am sorry if this is harsh (not my intention) but just man the fuck up
Of course Depression is an illness, but It appears you care WAY too much what others think

People with anxiety and depression overthink every detail and rarely act and I know, I have been there
Stop worrying about how you perform on the matts and just go train, have some fun and release some steam. No matter how poor you may feel, there will always be someone worse and no matter good you are? There's always someone better. Training is to make YOU better and help your partners achieve the same goal.

On to your ex wife and It has to be said, she's an absolute cunt and that is me being polite. You are way better off being away from such a lying, treacherous piece of shit as her. In time you will look back on the break up as one of the best things to ever happen you

My brother went through a similar situation with a cunty ex wife and to his credit, no matter how he felt inside, he never let it get to him. He picked himself up like a man and not only continued his life, but made it better in every way. He is due to be married next year to a much better woman and he has come to realise how unhappy he actually was when previously married

Man up. live your life! It's not always fair, but tough times should harden you and when the good times come (they will), then just enjoy them and appreciate the better things in life

 

[Smato_rules]

Thank you my friend. Unfortunalty at Legion there is no "less competitive class"

I mean, there is the parents beginner class where they don't really roll and practice side Control and mount....

It's wierd about how antidepressants ruin so many relationships. I know you said you seem to be over it, but you still said you think about it everyday.

I'm part of a great support group on Facebook called "Marriages ruined by SSRIs and antidepressants". You would be amazed at how common our experiences are. It's insane

Ohh I remember the thread with you contemplating switching gyms now. You just have to go back out there, I remember you were worried about going to legion in the first place because you didn’t think your black belt was worthy or something of the sort. I’d imagine there is extra pressure because of the black belt, but you really should get back at it, or weight lifting, boxing, anything physical and in a group of friendly people. That’s actually insane there is a whole Facebook group dedicated to antidepressants ruining relationships, it’s such an unfortunate situation.

 

[Solidus Snake]

Man, really sorry to hear the stuff you are going through. I suffer from depression myself, even tho I'm facing kind of different adversities (well I'm having a very hard time myself to get back to Bjj even if I'd love to, but for different reasons) I can sympathize a lot with you. Unfortunately I don't have much more to offer, except from my support, than the things people already said in the topic.. so I hope you'll be able to focus on yourself and follow all the good advices you already received.

 

[Espurgote]

Dude, im sorry to hear that (sorry for the poor english in advance).
*Go training and leave your ego out of it, just have fun.
*Try something new? Judo, Sambo, Aikido. (Dont stop bjj though)
*Stop blaming the medicine on your wife behavior, she did what she did because shit happens and its ok.
*Stop blaming yourself, you did the best you could with the experience you had regarding it.
*Depression sucks and it gives a life is shit filter, knock it off of it as soon as you can.
*Finally, thanks for sharing your experience I hope you keep finding inner peace, forgive yourself and go back to having fun with your hobbies.

Ps: I dare you to train today or tomorrow and post here about it.

 

[deadshot138]

You're really overthinking this. Just go to class. I was bed ridden after the deaths of my parents (who died 10 months apart) and every time I pried myself out of bed and made it to class, I felt 100 times better. Don't tie your happiness to your success in class either. I know this is easier said than done but if you find yourself getting whooped, figure out why and work on it. Just go to class.

 

[cheachea]

No person on earth (and especially no woman on earth) is worth giving up your passion and enjoyment of life for.

You Will Defeat This.