'What It's Like To Be British'

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Matt M, Feb 19, 2016.

  1. Matt M

    Matt M It is happening again....

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    I don't think these things are *just* British problems, but I have to say that pretty much every single one of them equates to me.



    • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

    • Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

    • Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

    • Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

    • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

    • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

    • Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

    • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

    • The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

    • “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

    • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

    • Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

    • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

    • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

    • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

    • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

    • Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

    • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

    • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

    • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

    • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

    • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

    • Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

    • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

    • “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

    • Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

    • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

    • Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

    • Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

    • Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

    • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

    • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

    • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

    • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

    • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
     
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  2. MoparOrNoCar

    MoparOrNoCar Black Belt

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    Trains and tea.

    You Brits live quite the exciting life.
     
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  3. AGGAMEMNON66

    AGGAMEMNON66 ———Villain———

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    3rd world problems.
     
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  4. Matt M

    Matt M It is happening again....

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    I actually hate tea.
    Does my head in when people over here saying they are dying of thirst and could murder a cup of tea.
     
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  5. Chad The Limey

    Chad The Limey Guyball world champion belt

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    I am guilty of so many of these. Good old British repression.
     
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  6. MoparOrNoCar

    MoparOrNoCar Black Belt

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    Seriously. It's like one of the least satisfying drinks ever created. 99% water, yet it makes you feel like you're getting more and more dehydrated with every sip.
     
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  7. Horse Style

    Horse Style Silver Belt

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    I stopped reading after the first "reason". I dunno if it's just awkward British humor but I'm not gonna read all that if it's just awkward, overdone "jokes".
     
  8. Matt M

    Matt M It is happening again....

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    Yeah I've never understood it at all.
    I know people who love it and drink loads of cups a day. And how people could drink it at all with no sugar is beyond me.
     
  9. Chad The Limey

    Chad The Limey Guyball world champion belt

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    Tea is awesome, you philistines.
     
  10. Matt M

    Matt M It is happening again....

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    Sounds like it's definitely a British thing then!
     
  11. thebluerider

    thebluerider caelgender ftw

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    just as boring as i imagined
     
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  12. Hatestorm

    Hatestorm P4P Hottest Smelling Avatar

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    These ones resonate with me.
     
  13. Matt M

    Matt M It is happening again....

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    All of them for me and these two in particular:

    • Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

    • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it


    I'd never really thought about it before but those are so true.
     
  14. Augustina

    Augustina UYD4LIFE Platinum Member

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    "anyone sitting here?"...

    Listen you cunt, move your bag. If you think I am standing from Manor House all the way to Picadilly so your bag can have a seat you've got another thing coming...
     
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  15. Matt M

    Matt M It is happening again....

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    I think it depends on how packed the trains are, so in the UK that's pretty much 99% of the time.
    If there's only a few spare seats about I'll always put my bag on the floor but you'll always see some cunt leaving their bag on the seat.
     
  16. CardsLJ

    CardsLJ Bada Boom! Realest Guy In The Room! Banned

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    loose leaf tea > that shit in a bag
     
  17. Augustina

    Augustina UYD4LIFE Platinum Member

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    Yup. that's why i made that comment. :)

    TBF I do think you see the best train etiquette in the UK though. Very polite for the most part. Except for that bag cunt. She sucks.
     
  18. Hatestorm

    Hatestorm P4P Hottest Smelling Avatar

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    We do have some funny quirks. Dunno how much they apply to places like America, but they probably have their own list.

    I remember reading something similar about American personality traits, and one of them was something like "Southerners going on holiday to a different country and complaining that it's nothing like home" lulz.
     
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  19. RoryFan

    RoryFan Wears Hats

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    I don't know about all that but I do know It's SHITE being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization. Some people hate the English. I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. Can't even find a decent culture to be colonized by. We're ruled by effete arseholes. It's a SHITE state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and all the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference!
     
  20. RoryFan

    RoryFan Wears Hats

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    • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

    Hold up, it 'aint apologetic. It's a thank you and the minor jog is to not waste anyone's time.
     

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