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AN IMPORTANT THREAD
This is by memory so bear with me. If you've read this far and really want a rundown of a 12 dollar ppv that lost its main event, I'm guessing you just don't give a fuck anyways.
I'm home alone tonight. Family out of town. GOOD. I invited nobody to this ppv. It's me time, motherfucker.
The show starts. Nobody has shown up, the place is empty. I start to feel uneasy and a bit embarrassed about this whole event.
Three commentators -Sean Wheelock, Jim Ross, Quinton Jackson. They chatter about the fights. It seems like they just met 20 minutes ago, and even Rampage is short on words and uncomfortable.
They then show some weigh in footage to hype the fights. Rampage refers to Bisping as "the cunt". It shakes everyone up and gets a laugh. It broke the ice pretty good, well done to Rampage.
National Anthem. 1 minor misstep, but really quite good. Serious pipes on this lady.
Fight 1: Shannon Ritch v Mavrick Harvey
A bit of flailing, Harvey mooshes Ritch into the ropes. The ring is tiny. Ritch ducks between the ropes and starts to fall out of the ring. Harvey follows him through, simultaneously holding Ritch up and punching him in the ass. He grows frustrated and pulls Ritch back through the ropes with 2 hands by the shorts. Almost gets the atomic wedgie, but not quite, just a regular wedgie. Ref breaks them up.
Harvey flails with a flying knee or something and falls down like a drunken stooge. Ritch gets the back and works for a choke. Harvey literally does not involve his hands in the fight to get free. Work, work, tapout.
Post fight: Harvey yacks about how he's not a Boxer, not a Jiu Jitsu guy, just a fighter. He's gloating somehow. Oh and he says he just had just recently gotten out of the hospital. WTF, IDK.
Fight rating: C (but only for the wedgie, otherwise an F)
Fight 2: Chael Sonnen v Michael Bisping
They do nothing for 3 rounds, but somehow break a sweat. Horrid spectacle. Bisping is horsing around and attempting nothing whatsoever. Chael is in some sort of foggy zone of leaning forward acting like he wants to shoot for a takedown, but doesn't do it. Jim Ross is confused, and rightly so. He threatens to start his own submission grappling organization with more exciting rules, but then backs down. The match is a draw. Bisping apologizes for not doing anything at all. Why show up? I believe Rampage's new nickname for him is appropriate.
Fight Rating: F
At some point between fights they show the ring girls for several minutes. Rampage likes them. Fun to look at. Life is goodness for a moment, and this show needs it.
Fight 3: A couple of guys (I forget who)
It's a good fight. Smaller guy goes for heel hooks and wears himself out. Then he gets beat up a lot. Good small show type of fight. The loser took quite a bit of beatdown. Serious elbows to the ribs from half guard, looked painful. Someone else should use those, they were savage. Rampage thinks the elbows are illegal, Sean explains how they're not. That's odd. Many blows to the head later, the ref stops it.
Fight Rating: B-
Intermission: Now it's going to get good. Put on your seatbelt. Sasha Baron Cohen comes out to the ring dressed like a rapper, toting a couple of big assed hoes. Oh wait, it's someone called "Riff Raff". Holy shit, he's dressed like that and it's not a joke? Ok. He's got frickin diamond teeth or something, the whole douchey bit. He is carrying a plastic cup and a microphone. He begins laying down vocals over a track of his own, which already has vocals on it. His mic is louder, so you can sort of hear him over his recording. Typical incomprehensible rah rah shit. He is in a pinkish suit, and brags about his $2000 snakeskin shoes. Something about hoes and money. Interesting topics. The hoes don't even dance, they just stand or wander aimlessly around the ring. It appears that all this was unrehearsed. He yacks over 2 or 3 of his songs, sips from his plastic cup, and leaves. Is the guy for real? I spend the entire time looking at hoes' big asses. So does Rampage.
Performance rating: I don't really know. C? Well, what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to take this event seriously? It was basically Jamie Kennedy or Sasha Cohen acting like a rapper. I am laughing quite a lot. I've never seen anyone perform for 10 minutes and refuse to put their plastic party cup down. It's like he's a charicature of a rapper, and not real.
Fight 4: Rey Mysterio v Kurt Angle
This was actually really good. Someone give Mysterio and Angle jobs. Hard to believe these two old bastards can still move like they do. Rampage acts like he doesn't understand the rules, and starts rambling about how all this stuff should be illegal. He says "that should be illegal" at least 10 times. Must be a continuation of the elbowing discussion in the last fight. He's cracking everyone up. Jim Ross is in his environment, calling the match. The ref is out. In the last bit, Kurt Angle gets a steel chair, and Rampage calls him "that dirty motherfucker". Riff Raff gets onto the apron and prevents Angle from using the chair. Mysterio promptly hits angle with the star 69 (or whatever the fuck that move is) and pins him. Ref wakes up and pounds 3 times. Riif Raff gets in the ring. I fantasize about Angle supplexing him, but it doesn't happen. FUCK. What a gyp (I'm racist). Rampage has me reeling after this match, he's just hilarious and he has good chemistry with Jim & Sean. Every third thing they say cracks me up. Nobody gives a damn, they're just having fun now.
Fight Rating: A
Fight 5: Roy Jones v Vyron Phillips
Vyron introduces himself. He seems a bit... slow. That's ok. He has size on Roy. The announcers compare his tattoo to Brock Lesnar's. Rampage then notes that Brock's tattoo looks like a penis, and Vyron's tattoo looks like a vagina. I'm ROFL now. The bell rings, and Roy seems shot. He's chubby and Vyron is leading the exchanges and the march around the ring. Not much in the way of clean strikes though. Surprise ---- Roy lines up a counterstrike in round 2 and flattens him with 1 punch. KO, I guess Roy just needed 1 or two good moments of speed and power.
Fight Rating: C
Soon after the post fight interviews, a wrestling-masked stripper jumps into the ring and starts grinding on Vyron. The camera cuts away to the commentators, but you can see it in the background still. Vyron gets in on the action a bit with some dirty dancing, while the commentators chat it up about the event. Vyron was face down KO'd 5 minutes ago, and now he's grinding with a masked stripper. LMAO
I'd buy it again, just for the comedy. Jim could roll out of bed and do commentary before breakfast, he's the shit. Riff Raff got things going, strangely. It just cemented that none of this should be taken seriously. One moment I'm like WTF am I watching? Then I just start laughing.
The event at times seems like a joke in a bad way, but sometimes it worked and the commentary was hilarious. It was kind of like watching a top notch episode of Mystery Science Theater.
MORE URSHOW
This is by memory so bear with me. If you've read this far and really want a rundown of a 12 dollar ppv that lost its main event, I'm guessing you just don't give a fuck anyways.
I'm home alone tonight. Family out of town. GOOD. I invited nobody to this ppv. It's me time, motherfucker.
The show starts. Nobody has shown up, the place is empty. I start to feel uneasy and a bit embarrassed about this whole event.
Three commentators -Sean Wheelock, Jim Ross, Quinton Jackson. They chatter about the fights. It seems like they just met 20 minutes ago, and even Rampage is short on words and uncomfortable.
They then show some weigh in footage to hype the fights. Rampage refers to Bisping as "the cunt". It shakes everyone up and gets a laugh. It broke the ice pretty good, well done to Rampage.
National Anthem. 1 minor misstep, but really quite good. Serious pipes on this lady.
Fight 1: Shannon Ritch v Mavrick Harvey
A bit of flailing, Harvey mooshes Ritch into the ropes. The ring is tiny. Ritch ducks between the ropes and starts to fall out of the ring. Harvey follows him through, simultaneously holding Ritch up and punching him in the ass. He grows frustrated and pulls Ritch back through the ropes with 2 hands by the shorts. Almost gets the atomic wedgie, but not quite, just a regular wedgie. Ref breaks them up.
Harvey flails with a flying knee or something and falls down like a drunken stooge. Ritch gets the back and works for a choke. Harvey literally does not involve his hands in the fight to get free. Work, work, tapout.
Post fight: Harvey yacks about how he's not a Boxer, not a Jiu Jitsu guy, just a fighter. He's gloating somehow. Oh and he says he just had just recently gotten out of the hospital. WTF, IDK.
Fight rating: C (but only for the wedgie, otherwise an F)
Fight 2: Chael Sonnen v Michael Bisping
They do nothing for 3 rounds, but somehow break a sweat. Horrid spectacle. Bisping is horsing around and attempting nothing whatsoever. Chael is in some sort of foggy zone of leaning forward acting like he wants to shoot for a takedown, but doesn't do it. Jim Ross is confused, and rightly so. He threatens to start his own submission grappling organization with more exciting rules, but then backs down. The match is a draw. Bisping apologizes for not doing anything at all. Why show up? I believe Rampage's new nickname for him is appropriate.
Fight Rating: F
At some point between fights they show the ring girls for several minutes. Rampage likes them. Fun to look at. Life is goodness for a moment, and this show needs it.
Fight 3: A couple of guys (I forget who)
It's a good fight. Smaller guy goes for heel hooks and wears himself out. Then he gets beat up a lot. Good small show type of fight. The loser took quite a bit of beatdown. Serious elbows to the ribs from half guard, looked painful. Someone else should use those, they were savage. Rampage thinks the elbows are illegal, Sean explains how they're not. That's odd. Many blows to the head later, the ref stops it.
Fight Rating: B-
Intermission: Now it's going to get good. Put on your seatbelt. Sasha Baron Cohen comes out to the ring dressed like a rapper, toting a couple of big assed hoes. Oh wait, it's someone called "Riff Raff". Holy shit, he's dressed like that and it's not a joke? Ok. He's got frickin diamond teeth or something, the whole douchey bit. He is carrying a plastic cup and a microphone. He begins laying down vocals over a track of his own, which already has vocals on it. His mic is louder, so you can sort of hear him over his recording. Typical incomprehensible rah rah shit. He is in a pinkish suit, and brags about his $2000 snakeskin shoes. Something about hoes and money. Interesting topics. The hoes don't even dance, they just stand or wander aimlessly around the ring. It appears that all this was unrehearsed. He yacks over 2 or 3 of his songs, sips from his plastic cup, and leaves. Is the guy for real? I spend the entire time looking at hoes' big asses. So does Rampage.
Performance rating: I don't really know. C? Well, what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to take this event seriously? It was basically Jamie Kennedy or Sasha Cohen acting like a rapper. I am laughing quite a lot. I've never seen anyone perform for 10 minutes and refuse to put their plastic party cup down. It's like he's a charicature of a rapper, and not real.
Fight 4: Rey Mysterio v Kurt Angle
This was actually really good. Someone give Mysterio and Angle jobs. Hard to believe these two old bastards can still move like they do. Rampage acts like he doesn't understand the rules, and starts rambling about how all this stuff should be illegal. He says "that should be illegal" at least 10 times. Must be a continuation of the elbowing discussion in the last fight. He's cracking everyone up. Jim Ross is in his environment, calling the match. The ref is out. In the last bit, Kurt Angle gets a steel chair, and Rampage calls him "that dirty motherfucker". Riff Raff gets onto the apron and prevents Angle from using the chair. Mysterio promptly hits angle with the star 69 (or whatever the fuck that move is) and pins him. Ref wakes up and pounds 3 times. Riif Raff gets in the ring. I fantasize about Angle supplexing him, but it doesn't happen. FUCK. What a gyp (I'm racist). Rampage has me reeling after this match, he's just hilarious and he has good chemistry with Jim & Sean. Every third thing they say cracks me up. Nobody gives a damn, they're just having fun now.
Fight Rating: A
Fight 5: Roy Jones v Vyron Phillips
Vyron introduces himself. He seems a bit... slow. That's ok. He has size on Roy. The announcers compare his tattoo to Brock Lesnar's. Rampage then notes that Brock's tattoo looks like a penis, and Vyron's tattoo looks like a vagina. I'm ROFL now. The bell rings, and Roy seems shot. He's chubby and Vyron is leading the exchanges and the march around the ring. Not much in the way of clean strikes though. Surprise ---- Roy lines up a counterstrike in round 2 and flattens him with 1 punch. KO, I guess Roy just needed 1 or two good moments of speed and power.
Fight Rating: C
Soon after the post fight interviews, a wrestling-masked stripper jumps into the ring and starts grinding on Vyron. The camera cuts away to the commentators, but you can see it in the background still. Vyron gets in on the action a bit with some dirty dancing, while the commentators chat it up about the event. Vyron was face down KO'd 5 minutes ago, and now he's grinding with a masked stripper. LMAO
I'd buy it again, just for the comedy. Jim could roll out of bed and do commentary before breakfast, he's the shit. Riff Raff got things going, strangely. It just cemented that none of this should be taken seriously. One moment I'm like WTF am I watching? Then I just start laughing.
The event at times seems like a joke in a bad way, but sometimes it worked and the commentary was hilarious. It was kind of like watching a top notch episode of Mystery Science Theater.
MORE URSHOW
