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International Untrained and unqualified citizen attempts to perform open heart surgery

Discussion in 'The War Room' started by Trotsky, Jan 30, 2020.

  1. Trotsky Banned Banned

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    Hello! I’m a relative of your doctor, and I am here to perform your open-heart surgery.

    To be very clear: Medicine is not my profession. I would describe it as more of a “recent hobby.” In fact, I have a lot more important responsibilities, and I’m a little resentful, frankly, that this has also been put on my plate! But someone has to do it. Yes, doctors are available. This hospital has an entire staff, including people who have dedicated their whole lives to learning as best they can about how hearts work. But I am here now. I almost never mention this, but I went to an Ivy League school. So.

    Please lie back and stop attempting to struggle. In case you might worry that I am not qualified to perform this surgery: I read 25 books. So you are in good hands. No, I have not done this before, but in a way, that makes me actually more competent. When I look at you, I don’t see all the problems people saw before: an aorta, and ventricles, and the little tube thing that pokes out. I just see solutions. I am going to put your heart together in a way that has never been tried, but I can guarantee (I read 25 books) that it will make everything 100 percent better, using synergies.

    What books? You know, it’s weird and a little rude, actually, that you would ask that. They were definitely books, definitely pertaining to hearts, and I feel that reading them prepared me for this surgery. Think about this: People who do this for a living have sometimes failed. I’ve never failed. Maybe my attitude is what is needed. There are so many assumptions we make. Anesthesia is necessary. Blood is good to have inside the body rather than outside. People without hearts can’t live for longer than — some period of time! So much received “wisdom” we never stop to question. Maybe it’s time we threw everything we think we know out the window, as I plan to do with your heart when the surgery is complete.

    So many blood types! Type A, Type O, Type AB — maybe those are just letters! Letters like the many letters in the numerous books I have read on the subject. Exactly 25.

    Okay, one of them was Ben Carson’s memoir! I’m not saying that one was definitely by Malcolm Gladwell, but I sure am at a “tipping point”! Nudge, nudge! I won’t say one was “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter” by Carson McCullers — but why shouldn’t it have been?! This narrow-minded insistence that “maybe you should read even one medical text before attempting operations of this nature” is the kind of thinking that has for years kept people imprisoned, like your heart, which I cannot wait to free from your body. This should, according to the book I read about the body’s humours, be just what you need!

    I also read “American Dirt,” which I loved.

    Have you considered that maybe your body is bad? Maybe that was the thing previous surgeons were missing: contempt for the entire act of surgery. Well, I have that in spades (the tools I plan on using to open your body and remove your heart). I have nothing but contempt for people who have wasted their whole lives doing this, as though it took time to learn about it all, when I could do it on the weekend — and also master the harpsichord! I think! I can’t wait to play it and find out if I am right!

    — Alexandra Petri


    This bit of satire was in reference to think:

    "What I would encourage people to do is try to divorce yourself from all of the history that’s happened over the years and read this plan.”

    “I’ve been getting criticized for the last couple of years by all the people who have tried and failed for not doing this the same way they have, okay?”

    “If somebody was successful I wouldn’t be dealing with this, and I wouldn’t have this additional responsibility to the other things I have. I think that people should try to be optimistic.”

    “I’ve read 25 books on it.”

    Jared Kushner, on the conflict in the Middle East
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/opin...vZhWw6N_Jx-nad6JhwiVpPBfhMTqbDRvbVkMF3uE6uL0Y
     
  2. Falsedawn The Opposition Platinum Member

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    Shit, I thought this was an anti vax thread
     
  3. weed ベルセルク

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    thought this would be a story of some Indian mother letting her 8yr old perform surgery on her.
     
  4. bobgeese Steel Belt

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    Trumps Middle East handling, is the best of any president in our lifetime.



    Plus, you’re a fucking communist. Nobody should listen to you about anything.
     
  5. Trotsky Banned Banned

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    When I don't want measles, I have the spoiled rich kid down the street inject me with Windex.
     
  6. Falsedawn The Opposition Platinum Member

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    I lol'd.

    On the real though, among a certain set of deplorables there's been a degradation on the perceived value of expertise in the past couple decades, and it's real fuckin stupid. I always wonder if they would fly with an "Alternative Pilot" or trust an "Alt Doctor" to perform surgery on them. It's patently obvious that their ire is directed at things that booty blast them or that they don't understand, but the lack of intellectual consistency is astounding.
     
  7. rob mafia Silver Belt

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    ...makes an absurd strawman rant about things people don't understand. apparently, unironically.
     
  8. SRN SOCRATEEEES

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  9. Bloody Pulp Gold Belt

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  10. Falsedawn The Opposition Platinum Member

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    You do realize that for a strawman to exist you actually have to have an argument right?

    <Kpop775>

    And if you're honestly going to pretend that deplorables haven't been raging against immunologists, career diplomats, security researchers, the intelligence community, climate scientists, biologists (in the case of abortion), law professors (in the case of impeachment), and any number of actual experts in their respective fields, then you're far too much of a dumbass to have this conversation anyway.

    InB4 both sides lmao.
     
  11. Rational Poster Actually the Best Poster

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    <Dany07>
     
  12. rob mafia Silver Belt

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    ...no. that's why it's straw, genius. you're not retorting anything.


    WHAT conversation? there's no conversation. you're just rambling about bullshit no one said.

    ...are you doubling-down with MORE straw?
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2020
  13. ObamaPhoneLady Banned Banned

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  14. HunterSdVa29 Respect, tho

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    everyone knows having hawkish MIC people run those things leads ultimately to peace...

    wait, what
     
  15. Falsedawn The Opposition Platinum Member

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    You have no earthly idea what a strawman is lmfao.

    I'll count you in the dumbass column.
     
  16. Trotsky Banned Banned

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    Only thing better is having a stable of MIC people being led by MacCaulay Culkin circa 1988.
     
  17. rob mafia Silver Belt

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    ...says the one making tirades to retort imaginary positions on a karate forum.
     
  18. Falsedawn The Opposition Platinum Member

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    <{vega}>

    The only one who seems to think there's an argument occurring here is you.

    Which is hilariously ironic when you're accusing me of creating imaginary positions to retort.

    But hey, say strawman enough and people might think you have two brain cells to rub together amirite?
     
  19. rob mafia Silver Belt

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    yeah, it's as if i quoted them or something.
     
  20. Falsedawn The Opposition Platinum Member

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    Are you drunk?
     

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