Allow me to introduce myself. Or I’ll punch you in the fucking knee. I am Negative Zero, predictor of like, whatever. Here are my predictions of UFC 155: The 155th Numbered UFC Event. I’ve decided for this event I am not going to do any research at all other than for the list of fights or even have the internet open while I write this in Microsoft Word (Product Activation Failed). So this will be written with only my own knowledge, which is to say infinite knowledge. Junior Dos Santos vs Cain Velasquez Much like the concept of negative zero, this fight does not make any sense. Not because Cain is overmatched (and he totally is) but because they already fought, and Dos Santos knocked him out. Rematches are stupid. Fights always go the same way twice. I've got Dos Santos winning by thumb-fisted overhand right KO. “But that’s not true!”, you might rebuke. “Shut up Leslie.”, I might reply condescendingly, to emasculate you while narrating with bombastic language. You see, the truth is Cain may be good at wrestling and stuff, but what he lacks is the ability to win this fight. Jim Miller vs Joe Lauzon Jim Miller fought that guy from the ultimate fighter, Charles Oliviera. That was a really good fight. Jim Miller has been around a long time I believe and is coming off a(n) (impressive) win(?) over (somebody?) (maybe a loss?) and is fighting old creepy Joe, which I think people still call him. Should be a great fight, definitely fight of the night. I predict an easy omoplata win for Lauzon. Tim Boetsch vs Constantinos Philippou Boetsch, Boetsch, Boetsch. What can you say about Boetsch? Not a lot if you only remember his last two fights and then vaguely remember him not winning so much in the past. The man knocks out Lombard with a brutal decision and now he’s facing a guy who I badly want to Google? The good news is he’ll be back to facing name fighters once he submits Philippou at 5:00 of round 3 by split decision for fight of the night. Yushin Okami vs Alan Belcher What must suck about being Okami is the fact that he constantly lives in the shadow of a game he could never be as awesome as. This is an intriguing matchup because it may or may not be a rematch I think. Belcher is awesome, keeps improving, and Okami is hungry for a win and for rice. Okay that’s stupid. Anyway, gonna call it for Belcher but it should be the kind of fight they show on the PPV. Chris Leben vs Derek Brunson I have to go with the fatherless bastard here, as redundant as that insulting nickname is. Leben’s in good shape, becoming very well rounded even if he’s still as slow as an inept writer searching for a good analogy. But to be fair, Derek Brunson is a human male MMA fighter who is participating in this bout. If anyone has more info on him please respond below. Brad Pickett vs Eddie Wineland Eddie’s ancestors were wine-makers. They made an entire land of wine. Erik Perez vs Byron Bloodworth Byron is WORTH his weight in BLOOD. But ERIK is not just some average PEREZ. Perez by inside-out regurgitating tibia crank. Melvin Guillard vs Jamie Varner This is my pick for fight of the night. Both fighters coming off fight of the night bonuses, both fighters used to winning fight of the night, both fighters enjoy fighting in the night, one fighter who fights at night is damn near invisible fighting in the night/night fighting, right? Tight. They'll fight right before midnight. Out of sight. Anyway, I predict Guillard gets the KO late round 2. Michael Johnson vs Myles Jury Picking Myles Jury, because it’s his duty. Todd Duffee vs Philip De Fries Oh yeah, Duffee! I remember this guy. He’s that dude that won superfast and was consequently the real deal. Well De Fries is here to spoil that, I assume. De by KO. John Moraga vs Chris Cariaso Is there really still more fights? Fucking Christ. Moraga via joke thing… whatever. Max Holloway vs Leonard Garcia It will be oh so satisfying to watch Leonard Garcia get KO’d by the superior (Boxing?) (Muay Thai?) (probably everything?) of Holloway. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he falls face first on the mat and then gets back up and looks into the camera while his arm is raised for winning by split decision. There it is guys. I didn't feel like looking a bunch of stuff up so let me know where I may have made a mistake or something.