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Update: June 20, 2017
Dragonlord's Review of TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT
Bottom Line: Incoherent, Illogical, convoluted and obnoxious, watch this only if you want to see Sir Anthony Hopkins high on crack.
[This review contains spoilers but the movie is just terrible you might as well read them anyway.]
Transformers: The Last Knight starts off during the Dark Ages where King Arthur and his knights are in the middle of a great battle against a barbarian horde. Merlin (played by Stanley Tucci), who is revealed to be a drunk charlatan, asks a group of Transformers stranded on Earth to help Arthur. Not only were these Transformers moved by Merlin's banal speech, they incredulously gave him, a guy they barely knew, a staff of unimaginable power.
Also at this point we should just expect that a Transformer was involved in every significant event in human history. So don't be shocked in the future if they reveal JFK's real killer was a Transformer or the Titanic sank because of a Transformer.
Cut to present day where new Transformers have been arriving on Earth frequently. Most of Earth's governments have declared all Transformers are dangerous and have created the TRF (Transformers Reaction Force) to hunt and destroy them since the travel ban and space wall seem to be not working (I'm just kidding on the last 12 words).
In war-torn Chicago, Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) stumbles upon a dying ancient Transformer who gives him a talisman, thereby making Cade "the last knight." So their criteria for "chosen" basically means the first person they encounter. Uh, okay.
The TRF apprehends Cade but Bumblebee shows up and whoops their asses. Bumblebee shows off his new ability of disassembling himself apart while still controlling all the pieces and then reassembling himself good as new. First, where was this feature in the previous four Transformers movies. Second, it just means Bumblebee is virtually indestructible. Boring. Bumblebee has total control of his body parts but can't feel the tracer shot by the TRF on his butt. Baloney.
Cade meets Izabella (Isabella Moner), a 14-year-old scrappy orphan who's like a freedom fighter for Transformers. Director Michael Bay shows off his creepy, pervert side by dressing up Izabella in a suggestive manner and shooting certain scenes that's a bit uncomfortable to watch. Anyway, Cade brings Izabella back to their secret base, a junkyard where the remaining Autobots hide out.
Optimus Prime, who at the end of the last movie left Earth to meet his creator, arrives on the dead planet Cybertron. Continuing his uncharacteristic meathead behavior from Age of Extinction like shouting "I'll kill you," Optimus confronts his maker Quintessa but she defeats him and brainwashes him to retrieve Merlin's lance which can revive Cybertron. Quintessa sets Cybertron on a course to Earth.
The TRF learns of Cybertron's approach and Cade's possession of the talisman which holds the information where the staff is located. The TRF makes a deal with Megatron in taking down the Autobots and getting the talisman. In exchange, Megatron's demands are that they release his crew for this mission. Lol, so this is like Armageddon but in reverse sort of. Megatron then demands the Decepticons pay no taxes, ever. Okay that last part didn't happen.
There's a surprisingly cool montage complete with name captions featuring Megatron's crew. We get to see some of their unique traits and personalities. Too bad nothing came out of it as most of them are either killed immediately or become meaningless wallpapers.
So instead of talking to the Autobots who have time and time again save Earth from destruction or being enslaved, these idiotic TRF people make a deal with Megatron to release his cronies and will no doubt betray the humans and take possession of the staff to take over or destroy Earth.
After the Decepticons battle, Cade is invited to England by Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony Hopkins), a historian and the last member of the Witwiccan Order, an organization responsible for keeping the Transformers' presence a secret to the public. More historical retcon bullshit ensues as it is revealed prominent historical figures were members of the Order and the Autobots help defeat the Nazis in World War II. Edmund tells Cade that he is chosen to be the last knight.
Shia LaBeouf makes a cameo appearance but in a photograph only.
Edmund also ordered Hot Rod to kidnap Viviane Wembly (Laura Haddock) for the assembly. Edmund reveals to Viviane she is the last living descendant of Merlin and she alone can control the staff. Resembling a lot like Megan Fox, the gorgeous Laura and her adorable voice is a nice distraction from the drivel of a movie. Viviane's repartee with Cade is clunky but it has its charms.
Hot Rod on the other hand will be a major disappointment to fans since he doesn't resemble or share anything like his character from 1986's Transformers: The Movie. Instead they gave Hot Rod a French accent and an aristocratic-like personality.
It's become a tradition in a Michael Bay Transformers movie that the actors have to act all hyper in an embarrassingly juvenile manner and have to spew cringeworthy lines. Anthony Hopkins is no exception to the rule. It doesn't take long before his refined and dignified character acts all high from crack, running around all over the city, shouting at the library patrons, giving everyone the dirty finger, and even yelled at the British Prime Minister to shut up.
Unicron is revealed to be inside Earth or Earth itself with seven of its massive horns rising out of the surface. They don't fully show the dormant Unicron, just the tips of his horns. Putting aside how they screwed up Unicron's origins, this development is a bit intriguing since it opens up new possibilities and at least answers why the Transformers are drawn to Earth.
Cybertron eventually arrives and causes a massive planetary destruction but you don't really feel the impact of the situation since they don't show the casualties or even reactions from the ordinary people around the world.
The brainwashed Optimus Prime, now calling himself "Nemesis Prime," steals Merlin's staff from Viviane. Bumblebee fights Nemesis Prime and in a distressing parallel to Batman v Superman, Optimus stops midway from landing the killing blow on his oldest friend when Bumblebee speaks with his own voice. "I will always be your friend," Bumblebee says. He might as have said "Save Martha."
Optimus snaps out of Quintessa's mind control after hearing his friend speak for the first time since the war on Cyberton. It's either a goof or a retcon but Bumblebee did speak with his own voice at the end of 2008's Transformers. Anyways, blah blah blah, the good guys won and Optimus makes another cheesy speech.
They're also getting lazier on the new robot designs. Not as bad as Age of Extinction's crappy pixelated transformations, but still. Take for example the Infernocons, Quintessa's demon-like enforcers. Five of them simply just jump on one another to form Infernocus, which has an exact look as their smaller counterparts. There's no process, they just immediately gel to form Infernocus. It's like 5 poops mashed together to form an even bigger poop.
The pacing is all over the place, the story barely makes sense and the narrative is so muddled. It's like none of these matters to Michael Bay as long as he provides enough baysplosions and big special effects to fool the simpleton fans from China.
The Last Knight is a loud, incoherent, obnoxious, convoluted mess and the worst among all the Transformers films (that's saying a lot since Age of Extinction sucked so bad). The mid-credits scene shows Quintessa, still alive and in a human guise (played by Gemma Chan), talking to a scientist on one of the Unicron horn sites on how to defeat Unicron.
Rating: 2/10
Dragonlord's Review of TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT
Bottom Line: Incoherent, Illogical, convoluted and obnoxious, watch this only if you want to see Sir Anthony Hopkins high on crack.
[This review contains spoilers but the movie is just terrible you might as well read them anyway.]
Transformers: The Last Knight starts off during the Dark Ages where King Arthur and his knights are in the middle of a great battle against a barbarian horde. Merlin (played by Stanley Tucci), who is revealed to be a drunk charlatan, asks a group of Transformers stranded on Earth to help Arthur. Not only were these Transformers moved by Merlin's banal speech, they incredulously gave him, a guy they barely knew, a staff of unimaginable power.
Also at this point we should just expect that a Transformer was involved in every significant event in human history. So don't be shocked in the future if they reveal JFK's real killer was a Transformer or the Titanic sank because of a Transformer.
Cut to present day where new Transformers have been arriving on Earth frequently. Most of Earth's governments have declared all Transformers are dangerous and have created the TRF (Transformers Reaction Force) to hunt and destroy them since the travel ban and space wall seem to be not working (I'm just kidding on the last 12 words).
In war-torn Chicago, Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) stumbles upon a dying ancient Transformer who gives him a talisman, thereby making Cade "the last knight." So their criteria for "chosen" basically means the first person they encounter. Uh, okay.
The TRF apprehends Cade but Bumblebee shows up and whoops their asses. Bumblebee shows off his new ability of disassembling himself apart while still controlling all the pieces and then reassembling himself good as new. First, where was this feature in the previous four Transformers movies. Second, it just means Bumblebee is virtually indestructible. Boring. Bumblebee has total control of his body parts but can't feel the tracer shot by the TRF on his butt. Baloney.
Cade meets Izabella (Isabella Moner), a 14-year-old scrappy orphan who's like a freedom fighter for Transformers. Director Michael Bay shows off his creepy, pervert side by dressing up Izabella in a suggestive manner and shooting certain scenes that's a bit uncomfortable to watch. Anyway, Cade brings Izabella back to their secret base, a junkyard where the remaining Autobots hide out.
Optimus Prime, who at the end of the last movie left Earth to meet his creator, arrives on the dead planet Cybertron. Continuing his uncharacteristic meathead behavior from Age of Extinction like shouting "I'll kill you," Optimus confronts his maker Quintessa but she defeats him and brainwashes him to retrieve Merlin's lance which can revive Cybertron. Quintessa sets Cybertron on a course to Earth.
The TRF learns of Cybertron's approach and Cade's possession of the talisman which holds the information where the staff is located. The TRF makes a deal with Megatron in taking down the Autobots and getting the talisman. In exchange, Megatron's demands are that they release his crew for this mission. Lol, so this is like Armageddon but in reverse sort of. Megatron then demands the Decepticons pay no taxes, ever. Okay that last part didn't happen.
There's a surprisingly cool montage complete with name captions featuring Megatron's crew. We get to see some of their unique traits and personalities. Too bad nothing came out of it as most of them are either killed immediately or become meaningless wallpapers.
So instead of talking to the Autobots who have time and time again save Earth from destruction or being enslaved, these idiotic TRF people make a deal with Megatron to release his cronies and will no doubt betray the humans and take possession of the staff to take over or destroy Earth.
After the Decepticons battle, Cade is invited to England by Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony Hopkins), a historian and the last member of the Witwiccan Order, an organization responsible for keeping the Transformers' presence a secret to the public. More historical retcon bullshit ensues as it is revealed prominent historical figures were members of the Order and the Autobots help defeat the Nazis in World War II. Edmund tells Cade that he is chosen to be the last knight.
Shia LaBeouf makes a cameo appearance but in a photograph only.
Edmund also ordered Hot Rod to kidnap Viviane Wembly (Laura Haddock) for the assembly. Edmund reveals to Viviane she is the last living descendant of Merlin and she alone can control the staff. Resembling a lot like Megan Fox, the gorgeous Laura and her adorable voice is a nice distraction from the drivel of a movie. Viviane's repartee with Cade is clunky but it has its charms.
Hot Rod on the other hand will be a major disappointment to fans since he doesn't resemble or share anything like his character from 1986's Transformers: The Movie. Instead they gave Hot Rod a French accent and an aristocratic-like personality.
It's become a tradition in a Michael Bay Transformers movie that the actors have to act all hyper in an embarrassingly juvenile manner and have to spew cringeworthy lines. Anthony Hopkins is no exception to the rule. It doesn't take long before his refined and dignified character acts all high from crack, running around all over the city, shouting at the library patrons, giving everyone the dirty finger, and even yelled at the British Prime Minister to shut up.
Unicron is revealed to be inside Earth or Earth itself with seven of its massive horns rising out of the surface. They don't fully show the dormant Unicron, just the tips of his horns. Putting aside how they screwed up Unicron's origins, this development is a bit intriguing since it opens up new possibilities and at least answers why the Transformers are drawn to Earth.
Cybertron eventually arrives and causes a massive planetary destruction but you don't really feel the impact of the situation since they don't show the casualties or even reactions from the ordinary people around the world.
The brainwashed Optimus Prime, now calling himself "Nemesis Prime," steals Merlin's staff from Viviane. Bumblebee fights Nemesis Prime and in a distressing parallel to Batman v Superman, Optimus stops midway from landing the killing blow on his oldest friend when Bumblebee speaks with his own voice. "I will always be your friend," Bumblebee says. He might as have said "Save Martha."
Optimus snaps out of Quintessa's mind control after hearing his friend speak for the first time since the war on Cyberton. It's either a goof or a retcon but Bumblebee did speak with his own voice at the end of 2008's Transformers. Anyways, blah blah blah, the good guys won and Optimus makes another cheesy speech.
They're also getting lazier on the new robot designs. Not as bad as Age of Extinction's crappy pixelated transformations, but still. Take for example the Infernocons, Quintessa's demon-like enforcers. Five of them simply just jump on one another to form Infernocus, which has an exact look as their smaller counterparts. There's no process, they just immediately gel to form Infernocus. It's like 5 poops mashed together to form an even bigger poop.
The pacing is all over the place, the story barely makes sense and the narrative is so muddled. It's like none of these matters to Michael Bay as long as he provides enough baysplosions and big special effects to fool the simpleton fans from China.
The Last Knight is a loud, incoherent, obnoxious, convoluted mess and the worst among all the Transformers films (that's saying a lot since Age of Extinction sucked so bad). The mid-credits scene shows Quintessa, still alive and in a human guise (played by Gemma Chan), talking to a scientist on one of the Unicron horn sites on how to defeat Unicron.
Rating: 2/10
