The next newspaper salesboy who comes to my door gets bitchsmacked mid-salespitch



I'm not even lying.... these mother fuckers are the scum of the world. They'll tell you whatever they can to sell a paper. SURE, you can bill it to your CC. SURE, it cancels itself out. SURE, you only have to pay $x.xx and nothing ever again for 3 years. SURE, I'll MAKE SURE PERSONALLY that you get the best deal. I can't tell you how many times I've bought into this crap, and paid the penalty.

This kid came to my door at my new place last night, and luckily, the stack of newspapers that my roommate doesn't take out was sitting nice and obnoxiously right next to the door. This kid asks me if I wanna buy a paper, I say no. He says why, I say cuz I already get it. Then he asks which paper... and that's a very personal question if you ask me. It's like, if he was a bitch, I wouldn't be asking him how much he weighed, would I? Just to appease him, I picked up one out of the stack of papers... Wall Street fucking Journal, there ya go paperboy, get the fuck off my porch before I rock ya one.

Nope!! Not done yet!! the mother fucker INSISTS that I need the Daily News IN ADDITION to the crappy paper I'm getting now. He says "don't you need classifieds or sports?" I tell him I don't, because all news is bad news (hoping that he'll get the hint that he's about to get some bad news of his own if he keeps trying to push this curse upon me). I even spread it on thick by telling him that no one would take the papers out even if i did buy it, and pointed to the stack of papers that was 2 feet from him as an example.

THEN, the mother fucker says "well maybe you need recipes!!"

Recipes??? In the fucking newspaper? That's right chum, way to fuckin pitch it. I'm turning straight to the god damn recipes section of MY newspaper fiiiiirst thing eeeeeeevery morning, and I'll bet you can tell by the fucking Lion's Den logo on my T-Shirt, right? At this point, this kid has not only tried making my house messier, but now he's insulting my feminininininity. I'm gettin more than a little pissed here, and I tell him "NO, I don't need recipes", as I'm doing everything in my power to resist the overwhelming urge to end this piss puddle's life for him. He's lucky he got it when he did... he musta gotten the tone of my "NO", so he thanked me for my time, and left.

And if I ever see him again, he's a fucking dead man.
we get similar round here - unemployed people or students claiming to be with an agency that allows them to go round knowcking on everybody's doors asking for work. this might be fair enough, but no such company exists (to anyone's knowledge), and the police, who have to be informed of such agencys and their employees for them to be legal, had no idea about it. furthermore, my father, who runs the local neighbourhood watch, told the blokes this much. as the word watch left his mouth, they picked up and legged it.

so it's not really the same thing, but it's a door-knockers rant, so i thought i'd include it :D
It took every ounce of respect for humankind I have in me to do it...
jehovah's witnesses aint too bad - you just gotta know how to deal with em:

witness1: good afternoon

me: afternoon

witness2: we're talking to everyone in the neighbourhood

me: uhuh?

witness1: have you ever considered letting jesus into your life?

me: does he pay rent?

i shit ye not, this happened!!!:D:D:D
Originally posted by lil'surfer girl
They are relentless and the next one to show up on my porch will meet my dogs first.

Hell yeah Dereka.... show them polesmokers first-hand about who let the dogs out.

That would rule if i had a big dog to sic on the paperboy.
jehovah's witnesses are the biggest pain. I always tell them I'm a Scientoligist or what ever funny religion I can think of. It usually deters them from any further prodding.
Last edited:
But Dave... I always thought of you as the kind of person who enjoyed Recipes...

And watching the Christopher Lowell show.

::runs and hides for his life::
Originally posted by Berserk411
jehovah's witnesses are the biggest pain in the ass. There always walking around my neighborhood trying to give shit out. I always tell them I'm a Scientoligist or what ever funny religion I can think of. It usually deters them from any further prodding.

During my high-school years some Jehova's Witnesses came to my door and started asking me about my beliefs and stuff. So with a straight face I said 'I believe in Satan and all of his works.' I closed the door as their mouths dropped. They stood outside of my door for 3 hours until I left to goto a friend's house. They proceeded to pester me about allowing Jesus into my life and wouldn't quit. They would even see me on the street and run over to try to hand me THE WATCHTOWER or whatever that pamplet is called.
Originally posted by Berserk411
Whats even more annoying are Army Recruiters when your between the ages of 16 and 25. They always try to belittle you into joining the army(not anymore cus i'm bigger then most of them) and tell you how great it is.

I'm not sure what it is about these guys. I got a letter once that said 'I've arranged a meeting with you to get together at (i forget the date). Please call me if you need to change the date of this meeting.'

WTF is that? That's not how to arrange a meeting. And also I dislike the way it was worded...'call if you need to change the date'. How bout I call and say 'I'd never join the army.' It's just not proper...
How bout testing your stand-up skills vs. multiple opponents next time jehovah's witnesses approach you?
Originally posted by Berserk411
jehovah's witnesses are the biggest pain in the ass. There always walking around my neighborhood trying to give shit out. I always tell them I'm a Scientoligist or what ever funny religion I can think of. It usually deters them from any further prodding.

LOL.....I've only had to deal with the witnesses 3 times, but the first time was the best. Parents gone out, 15 year old hardcore banger. I have my Justice for All shirt on, black jeans, and of course the typical long banger hair. Thye ring the doorbell, and as a total fluke when I answer, Am I Evil from Metallica is blasting behind me. they got out about 3 words before their mouths were dropping and they were looking at each other. I just smiled and closed the door, and about 2 minutes later I saw them leaving to hit up the neighbours, heads shaking the whole way there.
be pateint, i used to do that job but we just delivered them instead of activeley selling them.

We think the same about you when you dont tip us at christmas, bastards giving us 50p, next time the paper will be shredded and soggy when it comes through the letterbox. Either that or give it to their dog.
This sort of thing happens to me all the time.

The most memorable was when i'd been out the night before till about 6 am. Sure as shit at about 9 in the morning the door bell goes. I wake up and answer the door, its some fucker wanting to sell me something (it could have been the betterware catalogue i forget), but he keeps looking at me funny, as if i'm off my head or something.

He left pretty sharpish not trying the full salespitch on me. It was when i closed the door i realised why he was looking at me like i was a pervert. I was wearing one sock with one show on the other foot, I had, brilliantly managed to put my shirt on back to front but also managed to button it up most of the way.

In short gentleman, if you want to get rid of those fuckers dress like you've had a fit mid-way through putting your shit on to scare those turds away.
Dude they're just doing their job, trying to make a buck like you and I....

That being said, I dare you to knock him out next time.
just ask the paperboy if he practices mma before you try and decide to knock him out;)

It may end up the other way round, we are a tough breed with good cardio:)
why warn him? the message will sink in so much quicker if you just hit the annoting bastard :D
for the Jehovahs witnesses people just answer the door naked
they will leave
Jehovah's Witnesses are ok. You just gotta have some fun with them.

For example, a pair of them rocked up to my parents first house not long after they move in.

My dad answers the door:
"Hi we know you've just recently moved in here and we were wondering if you would like us to bless this house?"


My dad, never one to be shy for a comeback, promptly replies:

"No thank you this house is already blessed by us living it."

And closes the door.

There was also a guy who got charged not long ago for giving a bunch of door to door Mormons hash cookies.... they went to a hospital when they realised they were as high as a kite... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

- The Jake

Forum statistics

Latest member