Teach me your strange and savage ways of survival AKA the dances with toasties thread

[toasty]

You lying country motherfuckers tricked me, I believed all this sweet home Alabama and Take me home country roads bullshit and moved to a much more rural area.

And now I'm gonna die.

How the fuck do you live like this?

Oil heat? costs a ton, runs out, I can't take a hot shower with out hearing the ka-ching sound of that fucking guys cash register. I spent the winter fighting between shivering or paying that fucker's usury rates to be warm, kinda smells funny.

Septic? Bathrooms smell funny, gotta worry what I put down the drains, have no fucking clue if I should use the "yellow let it mellow" method to save money or not, have no fucking clue how to tell when it is full. Am baffled by what a fucking baffle is but evidently mine is broken.

Well water? taste funny, is harder than a ufc fighter on angel dust, turns every pipe in the place into fine shatterable crystal instead of the metal they are made of, can run dry, evidently costs a shit ton to soften, costs even more to drill if dust does start coming out of my shower head.

The fucking trees? They're overwhelmed me with leaves in the fall, and are overwhelming me with pollen in the spring, and today fat caterpillars and inch worms are raining down like the 501 parachute infantry. Also had one basically shatter about 12 feet up of its 50 0r 60 foot height and stake itself into the ground and luckily fall away from the house and into another tree, so yeah the tree guy just made a killing off me but at least the tree didn't kill me. Oh and they evidently are trying to take over the roof too because I'm now growing enough green shit on my roof that i look like I live in the shire.

the animals and insects, I got something called Cave Crickets now, which are like a real cricket on steroids, fuckers jump like Carl Lewis on uppers (look him up young uns), I got boring bees, I got carpenter ants who evidently don't build additions to your house but eat the shit out of it, I got some bout foot long wasp fuckers trying to burrow under ground and probably into my bedroom. I got a toad that looked so much like a rattle snake that I bout shit myself because now I evidently got to look out for "rattlers"

to go with multiple other types of snakes, foxes, bears, bobcats, coyotes, car kamikaze deer and if one neighbor is to be believe a fucking mountain lion. the ring door alarm went off at 3 am and my wife and I got to watch 3 deer eat about $30 worth of flowers she planted that day. I've also have to listen to roosters screaming, a peregrine falcon swooped so close over my head i ducked after he had already straffed me and I had two hawks loudly fucking in my trees, luckily they lasted about 30 seconds which would be long for a sherdogger but is way less time then the fucking roosters spend crowing every dawn, so the birds ain't all sweethearts either.

So what are the secrets?
I'm fairly handy for a rabbit, do I get my own chainsaw and start felling 70 footers?
Does the old yeast down the toilet really help with the septic?
Do I have to use vinegar to clean everything and kill everything to avoid poisoning my well water?
How do you insulate and old creaking house with windows you can spit out of without opening?

Oh and for you "we have short attention spans, write only 1 paragraph with little words types" I'm sure you're not still here to see this, but if you are "Bite my fluffy white tail"


not you @Renard or you @Tone C I know you were trying to be helpful.......

 

[Fedorgasm]

Sorry you're struggling but I'm glad you made this thread, as I've often fantasized about living way out of town in the wilderness. I guess it's not all beautiful views and serenity.

 

[GSP_37]

I learned from watching 1923 that if you live far from civilization, expect mountain lions to show up on your porch and eventually come inside the house and eat people. Coyotes and wolves too.

 

[Flower2dPeople]

Indentured servants is the answer.

 

[Other]

My dog's breath smells like dog food

 

[tgv976]

Might wanna wear a maga hat, go down to the local dive with some camo attire, and pretend Trump is humanity's savior whether you agree or not. Odds are you'll have a friend or 5 after the night's over, and they'll be happy to help with your house issues or know someone who can.

Outdoor cats help a lot with insects and smaller critters invading your property. Oil heat is advanced for these places as most have wood stoves, but maybe have a reputable guy check the system for leaks or integrity issues or just wear a sweatshirt and up your cholesterol intake.

Some people will look at you like a 3rd worlder looks at an American and overcharge you thinking you are a rich carpetbagger. No way to get around it other than trying to fit in and getting to know people.

Whether you have septic or sewer, it shouldn't smell as the water in the drains act as as a barrier for the odors. If the bathroom stinks it could be as easy as recaulking the seal on the bottom of the toilet.

You can kill the green shit you don't want with a simple mixture of salt, water, and dish soap. Spray on the leaves preferably on a sunny day.

Did you let the deer eat your wife's flowers to piss her off? LOL. If you open the door and they just give you the fuck you face then invest in a crossbow, YouTube butchering it, or I'm sure you can find a guy there if you don't want to do it, and enjoy dinner for the next few months. Just watch for parasites or spotty livers since it's warmer out now.

 

[toasty]

Indentured servants is the answer.

Maybe but I’ve never understood the process. Do you find toothless people, make the dentures for them, but only put them in after they’ve done enough work or do you pull out their teeth then give them one back each time they work for you?

 

[Tone C]

I learned from watching 1923 that if you live far from civilization, expect mountain lions to show up on your porch and eventually come inside the house and eat people. Coyotes and wolves too.

Why would he keep coyotes and wolves in his house?

 

[Cajun]

Its just life in the country brotha. Working on your place on weekends instead of sitting around watching TV. If you grew up with it then it's normal. Also, I grew up on well water. There is no better water on this planet. The mineral taste always brings me back to childhood. Our water wasn't hard though. Very soft. Maybe more lime than yours. Can add some. Sewage sounds like a problem. Not the norm. Electric fence for the deer. Wasps underground sounds like yellow jackets. Go at night and pour diesel down the hole. Most places you can kill pests so eat what you trap/kill. It will save you lots of money and now with the internet you can learn cleaning and cooking methods.

 

[666]

I would say get an army of chickens. Those fuckers are crazy and will kill anything.

 

[Long Dark Blues]

Get a wood-burning stove.

 

[PeterGriffin]

I think I've had enough peopling and politics for one lifetime so rural living just seems to be getting more and more desirable. Living rural does have it's advantages, but it is 100% not recommended for people that are not handypersons or have issues with animals and crawly things. Old, unhealthy people probbably shouldn't live too rural.

- No Jehovah's Witnesses wanting to chat at 8am on Sundays

- No junk mail or door-to-door canvassers

- You finally have a reason to wear that coonskin hat

- You can walk around naked all day without offending anyone

- It's a lot easier to grow pot and food

- Home renos are a wonderful learning experience that adds value to your home AND lets you learn new swear words and first aid skills at the same time.

Google fixes everything, but you have to pick and choose your battles wisely though. I suggest when starting out, try the repairs that someone else more experienced can step in and salvage it if/when you fuck it up too badly and/or concede defeat. Like painting, or floors, or cabinetry. If you're feeling bold... windows and doors. You'll probably find lots of neat things when you're opening up walls and ceilings.

I would not suggest electrical, septic or foundations as a starting point. Maybe let the experts deal with that stuff. If you know how to pick up a phone, you are still doing your part so you're not completely feeble.

- Embrace the wildlife... feed it, love it, but make it work for you though. Set up some bat houses, make yourself a little pond, get some froggies as they are so SUPER quiet at sunrise. But they do eat the skeeters. Chickens eat the ticks. Salt the property with deer apples, get them frequenting your yard, so when you can't afford to buy food, the food comes to you.

There is no convincing me that fucking horseflies or wasps serve a greater purpose and I am sure mankind could certainly get by without them, so you're going to have to make friends with whatever eats them. Bees I am good with, but wasps and hornets are bullshit.

Sometimes you can't remove the problem, but you can move it. Use elephant grass to create natural walls or use sunflowers to create privacy walls AND draw the buzzing things away from the immediate house. Use mint patches or mix with the grass to lessen mosquitos. Try to eliminate any stillwater sources.

- You get to buy fun little toys that you would never have an excuse to in the city. Like tractors, and 4-wheelers and snowmobiles? Have you ever seen anyone sad on a skidoo?

- Owning small pets is like gambling every time you open the outside door, but is a perfect excuse to own crossbows, sniper and assault rifles, maybe a shotgun or RPG or two.

- Bonfires. Campfires and firepits are not the same thing, those are just pretend fires.

Alternatively... running out of things sucks. Can't get weed or liquor delivered there. The commute is meh, leads to long days. Switch to wood and heat pumps, get away from oil. Rural living isn't bad, just takes a little more work than usual, but the payoff is worth it not to have neighbours like Ken, Karen, Kumar or Wiz Khalifa with cameras in urban environments.

Listen to old dudes as much as you can. They used to live like pioneers but not on purpose. They know things. And remember... if it ever seems too bleak, you can always be thankful you're not living in rural Austraila.

 

[666]

I think I've had enough peopling and politics for one lifetime so rural living just seems to be getting more and more desirable. Living rural does have it's advantages, but it is 100% not recommended for people that are not handypersons or have issues with animals and crawly things. Old, unhealthy people probbably shouldn't live too rural.

- No Jehovah's Witnesses wanting to chat at 8am on Sundays

- No junk mail or door-to-door canvassers

- You finally have a reason to wear that coonskin hat

- You can walk around naked all day without offending anyone

- It's a lot easier to grow pot and food

- Home renos are a wonderful learning experience that adds value to your home AND lets you learn new swear words and first aid skills at the same time.

Google fixes everything, but you have to pick and choose your battles wisely though. I suggest when starting out, try the repairs that someone else more experienced can step in and salvage it if/when you fuck it up too badly and/or concede defeat. Like painting, or floors, or cabinetry. If you're feeling bold... windows and doors. You'll probably find lots of neat things when you're opening up walls and ceilings.

I would not suggest electrical, septic or foundations as a starting point. Maybe let the experts deal with that stuff. If you know how to pick up a phone, you are still doing your part so you're not completely feeble.

- Embrace the wildlife... feed it, love it, but make it work for you though. Set up some bat houses, make yourself a little pond, get some froggies as they are so SUPER quiet at sunrise. But they do eat the skeeters. Chickens eat the ticks. Salt the property with deer apples, get them frequenting your yard, so when you can't afford to buy food, the food comes to you.

There is no convincing me that fucking horseflies or wasps serve a greater purpose and I am sure mankind could certainly get by without them, so you're going to have to make friends with whatever eats them. Bees I am good with, but wasps and hornets are bullshit.

Sometimes you can't remove the problem, but you can move it. Use elephant grass to create natural walls or use sunflowers to create privacy walls AND draw the buzzing things away from the immediate house. Use mint patches or mix with the grass to lessen mosquitos. Try to eliminate any stillwater sources.

- You get to buy fun little toys that you would never have an excuse to in the city. Like tractors, and 4-wheelers and snowmobiles? Have you ever seen anyone sad on a skidoo?

- Owning small pets is like gambling every time you open the outside door, but is a perfect excuse to own crossbows, sniper and assault rifles, maybe a shotgun or RPG or two.

- Bonfires. Campfires and firepits are not the same thing, those are just pretend fires.

Alternatively... running out of things sucks. Can't get weed or liquor delivered there. The commute is meh, leads to long days. Switch to wood and heat pumps, get away from oil. Rural living isn't bad, just takes a little more work than usual, but the payoff is worth it not to have neighbours like Ken, Karen, Kumar or Wiz Khalifa with cameras in urban environments.

Listen to old dudes as much as you can. They used to live like pioneers but not on purpose. They know things. And remember... if it ever seems too bleak, you can always be thankful you're not living in rural Austraila.

This sounds a lot like my apartment..

 

[KBE6EKCTAH_CCP]

You lying country motherfuckers tricked me, I believed all this sweet home Alabama and Take me home country roads bullshit and moved to a much more rural area.

And now I'm gonna die.

How the fuck do you live like this?

Oil heat? costs a ton, runs out, I can't take a hot shower with out hearing the ka-ching sound of that fucking guys cash register. I spent the winter fighting between shivering or paying that fucker's usury rates to be warm, kinda smells funny.

Septic? Bathrooms smell funny, gotta worry what I put down the drains, have no fucking clue if I should use the "yellow let it mellow" method to save money or not, have no fucking clue how to tell when it is full. Am baffled by what a fucking baffle is but evidently mine is broken.

Well water? taste funny, is harder than a ufc fighter on angel dust, turns every pipe in the place into fine shatterable crystal instead of the metal they are made of, can run dry, evidently costs a shit ton to soften, costs even more to drill if dust does start coming out of my shower head.

The fucking trees? They're overwhelmed me with leaves in the fall, and are overwhelming me with pollen in the spring, and today fat caterpillars and inch worms are raining down like the 501 parachute infantry. Also had one basically shatter about 12 feet up of its 50 0r 60 foot height and stake itself into the ground and luckily fall away from the house and into another tree, so yeah the tree guy just made a killing off me but at least the tree didn't kill me. Oh and they evidently are trying to take over the roof too because I'm now growing enough green shit on my roof that i look like I live in the shire.

the animals and insects, I got something called Cave Crickets now, which are like a real cricket on steroids, fuckers jump like Carl Lewis on uppers (look him up young uns), I got boring bees, I got carpenter ants who evidently don't build additions to your house but eat the shit out of it, I got some bout foot long wasp fuckers trying to burrow under ground and probably into my bedroom. I got a toad that looked so much like a rattle snake that I bout shit myself because now I evidently got to look out for "rattlers"

View attachment 1095447 to go with multiple other types of snakes, foxes, bears, bobcats, coyotes, car kamikaze deer and if one neighbor is to be believe a fucking mountain lion. the ring door alarm went off at 3 am and my wife and I got to watch 3 deer eat about $30 worth of flowers she planted that day. I've also have to listen to roosters screaming, a peregrine falcon swooped so close over my head i ducked after he had already straffed me and I had two hawks loudly fucking in my trees, luckily they lasted about 30 seconds which would be long for a sherdogger but is way less time then the fucking roosters spend crowing every dawn, so the birds ain't all sweethearts either.

So what are the secrets?
I'm fairly handy for a rabbit, do I get my own chainsaw and start felling 70 footers?
Does the old yeast down the toilet really help with the septic?
Do I have to use vinegar to clean everything and kill everything to avoid poisoning my well water?
How do you insulate and old creaking house with windows you can spit out of without opening?

Oh and for you "we have short attention spans, write only 1 paragraph with little words types" I'm sure you're not still here to see this, but if you are "Bite my fluffy white tail"

View attachment 1095448
not you @Renard or you @Tone C I know you were trying to be helpful.......

Boring thread imo

 

[KBE6EKCTAH_CCP]

Just kidding it s a good thread imo.

 

[666]

@toasty

Are you a fraud? Are you actually from East India? Seems like it to me.

 

[Legumes]

Burning oil heat and claiming that you're freezing = I'm going to assume you live somewhere up north. If you wanted some shit out of Sweet Home Alabama, you should have moved south/southeast. If you did that you would probably be complaining about the heat and humidity instead though...

 

[nonoob]

Its just life in the country brotha.

Rural living isn't bad, just takes a little more work than usual, but the payoff is worth it not to have neighbours like Ken, Karen, Kumar or Wiz Khalifa with cameras in urban environments.

Listen to old dudes as much as you can. They used to live like pioneers but not on purpose. They know things. And remember... if it ever seems too bleak, you can always be thankful you're not living in rural Austraila.

Both above show real country knowledge.

 

[Contempt]

Why would he keep coyotes and wolves in his house?

Why wouldn't you? Metal as fuck...

 

[toasty]

@tgv976 @Cajun @PeterGriffin

One problem with the ole "just walk out with your crossbow and ninja the shit out of those spotty liver having bambis at 3AM" approach

This is my wife

Yes I am married to Marisa Tomei...she likes short fat balding bunnies.

Actually who am I kidding I'm basically Mona Lisa Vito about hunting and without the car fixing knowledge

I still see the look of shock, hurt and despair in that poor squirrel's eyes as I missed him by about 10 feet with the one and only BB Gun shot I ever took at a living target. Then I shot my eye out.

@Legumes and @666 Rural North East India.... I almost brought up the lepers, cobras, and monsoon season but didn't want to give away too much but you sleuths found me out.

@KBE6EKCTAH_CCP please give me your opinion on this particular post and all my future posts. You are my lodestar as I plot my posting course through the hazardous straits of sherdoggia.

@Long Dark Blues almost didn't recognize you with the new av......yeah thinking about that for sure, they are very popular round these parts.

Thanks for all the helpful (& even the non-helpful) replies.

PS_ there really is a whole shit ton of nice things about being out here compared to the congestion, noise, traffic, crowding, gang bangers, hustle, meaness, and general stress of where I was. Mostly I'm very happy now but I've found nobody ever replies to a post that says, look how happy I am, aren't i the greatest?