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Taking a Dump at Work

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Warsmer, Aug 4, 2002.

  1. Warsmer

    Warsmer Purple Belt

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    Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

    ESCAPEE

    Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

    Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH

    Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosedlocation. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME

    Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you havejust stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

    Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

    Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVEN

    Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR

    Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH

    Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE

    Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON

    Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET

    Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH wit an ASTAIRE.

    UNCLE TED

    Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    FLY BY

    Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    CRACK WHORE

    Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

    BED OF REST

    Definition: The creation of a hammock from toilet paper just above the water line, thus cushioning the fall of a turd. Extremely effective in averting a possible WATERMELON incident. However, such a construction cannot be expected to cope with a HANAVA OMELET. Also, the complete lack of sound emmitting from your stall may alert an UNCLE TED of suspicious activity. Discreetion is required before using this technique
     
  2. majin bux

    majin bux -=Lesnarman=-

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    i think i have had all of those at work, i think I usually drop at least one load at work a day
     
  3. sexcellent

    sexcellent Black Belt

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    LOL oh my god i gotta show all my friends
     
  4. Matt in Oz

    Matt in Oz Blue Belt

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    Would taking a book in count?:D
     
  5. gumby1

    gumby1 Blue Belt

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    at least you get paid for it
     
  6. ShootoKing

    ShootoKing Silver Belt

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    Lately, my shit has been abnormally REAL stink!
     
  7. Meat Fist

    Meat Fist Senior Administrator Senior Administrator

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    Shooto, this may be your greatest night on the board.
     
  8. Big Remo

    Big Remo Brown Belt

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    I can't dump at work because too many gays use the toilet. I wait till I get home, I don't want any foreign ass-juice on me. Not even those rest Assure papers can help me.
     
  9. Hound

    Hound Brown Belt

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    My last job was crawling with turd burglars. Unfuckingbelievable how hard it is for some people to comprehend the concept of an occupied stall.

    One day I just got fed up and opened the stall door I was in, with my pants around my ankles, and asked the guy trying to batter his way in why he though the door would not budge if the stall was empty.
     
  10. watto

    watto Orange Belt

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    Hahahahahaha indeed Warsmer :D
     

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