Around 2005 when I lived in the east bay, over in Fremont I was a member of that site HotorNot. I see this girls' picture. She's Filipino and about 5'9 or so with a great body. Of course I think she's hot so I click "yes" to meet her. She clicks "yes" back so I message her about whatever. She replied back with her number and simply "Call me". Hmmm, I thought that was pretty forward of her but hey whatever.
So the next day I call her and I'm like, "Hey, Anne, this is Soma from HotorNot. What you up to?"
She replies in a somewhat fobby Filipino accent, "I just got off BART (local train/subway type thing), come pick me up!"
"Uh, what? Pick you up?"
"Yeah, come pick me up. Right now."
"I don't even know you. We just got on the phone."
"So what, be a man and come pick me up!"
At this point I was thinking she was kind of crazy and was actually turned off. So I told her no, cool talking to her and bye bye. But a couple days later I started wondering if I was too harsh. Since she had an accent I wondered if she was new to the US and maybe she wasn't familiar with the language so much and that's why she came off weird. So I decide to give it another shot and call her up. The conversation goes almost exactly the same. She just got off BART again and is telling me to come pick her up. I was juuust about to hang up on her until she told me where she was at, which was literally two blocks from my house. I was hungry and told her fine, I'll come pick her up on my way to get some food. So I drive over there and when I see am like "DAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMN!" She was in a short skirt and heels. Big tits, small waist, and big ass. Looked a lot like a Brazilian girl, the ones with those big juicy asses. Yum! Needless to say I was pretty happy that I decided to pick her up, hah. So we drive to Denny's haha to get me some food but when we park she's all, "I'm tiiiiired. Is there somewhere else we can go?"
Bingo! Those were the magic words guuurl. It was obvious she was ready to get down so I was like fuck it, yeah I know somewhere and began driving back to my place thinking "I'm gonna fuck the shiiit outta this Brazilian lookin Flip fob!" Bang bang. So we're driving back when outta nowhere she turns to me and asks, "Are you a creature of the night?"
"What?"
"Are you a vampire?"
"Hmmm, not really."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure about that."
"You're not a werewolf then, are you?"
"What??"
"Because I AM a vampire and I hunt werewolves! Seriously, I'm a vampire. I roam the night to hunt werewolves. So it's good that you're not a werewolf because then you'd be my PREY!" she said as she made a claw motion with her hand.
So I'm thinking "Wow, this bitch is fucked up!" But hey whatever, I'm gonna pound her so I'll put up with this and play along. Besides, if anything it was interesting, hah. So she continues to tell me all about her vampire and werewolf adventures. And remember she's saying this in a fob accent so I want to bust out laughing sooo bad but hold it in.
After she regales me with her creature of the night stories she starts telling me that her father is a diplomat in the UN so she has access to all kinds of imported drugs. She then asks, "Do you want some E?"
"Nah, I'm cool."
"How about some cocaine then. Want some?"
"No thanks."
"Oh, ok."
We finally get back to my place and I'm still hungry since I didn't eat so we sit in my living room watching TV while waiting for the pizza I just ordered. And I don't know, she was crazy yeah, but things just seemed "off" about her but I couldn't place it. Anyway, after about 30 mins she asks to use the bathroom. When comes out she's acting all loopy and I'm like "What's up with you??" and she's all, "Want some candy? I just had some in your bathroom! Yeeeeeeeeah! See?" Then she pulls out these two FAT ASS vials, one filled with coke and the other was empty. She tried giving me the full one and I'm like, "No I'm cool. You just that entire thing in my bathroom?!" I mean really, it was fucking huge. I was pissed that she just did coke in my bathroom after all this other craziness but just wanted to eat my pizza, fuck her, then go to bed.
So after some time I finally eat my pizza and by this time we've been hanging out for a few hours. We're sitting on the couch and I'm looking at her like, "Man...she is soooo weird. What is up. Plus there is something not right about her...but I just can't put my finger on it..." So I'm sitting there looking at her while she's looking at the TV, so I'm looking at the side of her face because the whole thing is really starting to bother me but I can't place why. I'm sitting there, staring, and time has passed by so nature tends to take it's course regardless of who you are. That's when it hits me. Hoooly shit! No no no no no no! What theeeeee fuck?! Heeell no. This can't be!
This bitch had a fucking 5'oclock shadow growing in! NOOOOOOOOO!!! I think I sat there staring with my mouth open in shock for about 30 seconds before she turned to me and asked if anything was wrong. I was still like holy shit I can't believe this. Every guys worst nightmare. All the warning stories about meeting a girl off the net who turns out to be a guy has actually come true right in my fucking living room. Jesus Christ.
I was getting ready to kick her out when suddenly I thought, "Ehhhh she's already here. She's hot. Fuck...no one is gonna know. No no, I can't do this. Hell no. Buuut...ah I don't know. Wait, what am I thinking?! Hell no no no. Hmmm...maybe? NO!! Ahhhh ok, fine. Fuuck it."
"Come on." I said.
"Where?" she asked.
"Upstairs. To my room." as I grabbed her hand and led her up to my bedroom.
When we got up there she was adamant about checking her myspace. So I let her and she showed me the profiles of all her friends. Started telling me how they all love to party and that I should come out with them. All her friends were hot as hell but I realized they were all probably tranny's and probably coke heads too so I was just like, "Eh, we'll see." I was wearing a tank top and as I check my email she starts kissing the tats on my arm. It sounds gay as shit*, hahahah, but I'll say that she kissed my body better than any girl I've been with. I imagine it's because she knows what guys like, being that she is one. At this point I was not sure what to expect...did she have a dick? I tried not to think about it.
So we move to bed and start getting down to bidness. She stars saying things like, "I'm your slut. I'm your dirty slut." in that broken english of hers. When I take her pants off I noticed she's wearing a patch on her abdomen. She notices that I'm looking at it and says, "Oh, that's for birth control." Riiiiiiight bitch. That's your fuckin hormone patch but whatever...don't think about it! Just gogogogo! Off comes her top and bra. Yes, glorious huge fake tits! Then I move down to her panties and hold my breath. Please no dick please no dick please no dick. I'm still fucking you either way but please no dick.
Panties come off...
NO DICK!!! Post op tranny status fo dat ass, son! At this point I'm more intrigued because I've never fucked a fake vagina before and I don't know anyone else that has so I'm kinda like Neil Armstrong or William Shatner.
I start to put on a condom and she says, "You don't need that baby, I'm on the birth control, remember?" Get the fuck outta here with that shit. You think I'm putting my dick in your manmade he-pussy without a rubber? GTFO. So I put on the rubber and proceed to fuck. Or try to anyway. Imagine your brother making a clenched fist and you trying to put your dick in there. Not very easy, right? Well that's how it was with this tranny; like trying to fuck my little brothers fist. But she starts saying "Push harder, it will go in if you push and I move at this angle." Which stars killing the mood and my boner. My dick bent in various painful ways trying to get all the way inside her. I think I got it like halfway in. Wasn't the most enjoyable experience so I just willed myself to orgasm.
Afterwards it was late and I just wanted to sleep and forget about everything. Just take her home first thing in the morning. She tried cuddling with me but I don't cuddle with guys so *fuck off. She tries pulling closer and her fucking chin whiskers scratch my back. I shudder and tell her to STOP. GO TO BED. I wake up extra early, tell her to get her stuff and lets go. I definitely did not want to see a full on beard so avoided eye contact. As I'm driving her home she says she had a good time and if I want to get together again. I say no thanks. She sounds sad. I feel a bit bad, but hey, it's not like you told me you were a man from the get go so don't be surprised if I don't want to see you again. Honesty is the best policy. I drop her off and she tries to hug me, I shrug her off and finally get an accidental look at her face without makeup and sportin a days mustachio and beard. Ugh. Peace out!!!
So then I drove to work. Happy about having such a weird experience. Grossed out that I did a tranny. Regretful that I didn't put it in her ass.
And thus ends Soma's tranny tale.
Ever since then I've been wary of any girls who even joke about being a guy, haha. I actually accused some girl of being a man, really thought she was one. She started to cry and I felt confused, because men should not be so sensitive. Turns out she was really a woman. My bad.
Until next time folks. Be good to yourselves. And be good to each other. Good day.
Another crisis diverted. 
