Score One for the Good Guys

Discussion in 'Strength & Conditioning Discussion' started by HULKAMANIA, Dec 27, 2005.

  1. HULKAMANIA

    HULKAMANIA Blue Belt

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    Today, I won another small victory in the long war against metrosexual gyms. Here's the thrilling recount:

    Whenever I'm in town for on break, I pick up shifts at a local coffee shop where I used to work full time (I love me some coffee for real). So, I've been working down there for the past week or so of Christmas vacation. Today I wasn't actually making drinks, I was digging postholes (I love me some posthole diggers for real, too) for a fence we're going to install around the parking lot.

    The boss sent a fellow employee named Brian out there to dig with me. Now, I like Brian, but he's dumb as hell. He wrestled and played football in high school so he's not small, but recently he's really taken to weightlifting. Today he decided to tell me all about it. I heard horrible, horrible things come out of that mouth; let me tell you.

    Brain told me that he squats in a smith machine so that he'll have correct form; he told me that he performs all his lifts at 15 reps for "definition"; he told me that he avoids deadlifting because he "doesn't want to look like a powerlifter"; he gave me little glimpses of his routine--glimpses which involved treadmills, calf raises, and the good old "chest/arm/back/shoulders/leg" split. When my bullshit tolerance level hit critical mass, I leveled with him.

    I told him that he and his trainer knew precisely jack shit about working out, that he took a homoerotic approach to weightlifting, and that he would lift mediocre weights for the next few years until he became so discouraged that his initial, meager gains had tapered off that he would finally quit. He seemed to take some issue with my assessment so I decided to attempt to persuade him. I told him that I could beat him in any test of strength he could come up with. After all, he'd been lifting for longer than I have. He played sports in high school. I played video games and studied Latin. It seemed like we should be fairly comparable in the strength department.

    First, we decided to see who could throw a hunk of concrete the farthest. I chose one from the ditch out behind the shop. After I threw it, he went to retrieve it and struggled to bring it to his chest. He accused me of "picking a heavy one." He managed to throw it almost half the distance of my original throw, but he blamed that on technique so I gave him a second throw. The second toss fell just a bit shy of his first one and he cried foul. I told him to try again. That time, he tried some strange, spinning technique and managed to improve a half a foot or so on his original throw. Out of breath and defeated, he conceded, "Well, you have stronger arms than I do." I couldn't take that shit lying down.

    I told him to follow me as I walked back across the parking lot into the store room at the rear of the shop. When we were inside, I grabbed one of the 150 pound sacks that we get our coffee beans shipped in. Then, I cleaned it and pressed it overhead. Brian cursed. The he got pissed and tried to do it himself. Well, whether because of his untrained grip or his undertrained lower back, he could barely budge it from the ground. After what seemed like an eternity of straining, he stormed up to the front of the shop. Later, he started asking me how to weight train.

    Now, I know a 150 pound C&P isn't anything to be proud of, but I felt like I had triumphed over the insanity that is gym culture. And, even if it was a small win, it was a win. Basically, I had to share it with someone, and you guys are the only audience that I could think of who might appreciate it. This board is also the only reason I'm not still wallowing in abject weakness and misinformation like my poor comrade Brian is.
     
  2. Madmick

    Madmick Freedom!!! Staff Member Senior Moderator

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    I love this thread.
     
  3. datadog

    datadog Blue Belt

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    First, congrats of crushing the young lad's dreams of supremacy. Better he learn it now than years later.

    You have a hulamania avatar and you studied Latin? I'd hate to doubt you but pondering this duality is too much for me... :)
     
  4. Madmick

    Madmick Freedom!!! Staff Member Senior Moderator

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    English majors can love Hulk, too, Datadog. Are we not men? If you prick us, do we not bleed?
     
  5. HULKAMANIA

    HULKAMANIA Blue Belt

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    Not only did I study Latin, but I fucking excelled at that shit.

    <--- Tennessee Junior Classical League state champion for 3 years in a row, motherfruckaz (Yes, there is such a thing as Junior Classical League. Yes, I did spend 24 hours every week attending study sessions for it IN THE SUMMER). By the way, Ohio beat my certamen team out by 20 points in the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS! I still haven't really forgiven your state for that. Actually, I still haven't forgiven myself for that. I just project it onto your state.

    I think the Hulkster made me retreat into academia anyway. When I was young, I wanted to be a wrestler. When the Hulk went NWO, a part of my soul died and I gave up those dreams forever. It was a dark but formative time in my early childhood.
     
  6. PariahCarey

    PariahCarey Purple Belt

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    lol, that was a great story. I like how your shift turned into a strongman competition. I would've love to see the expression on your boss' face when he looked outside and saw you throwing a hunk of concrete. "God Damnit whats Hulk up to now!"
     
  7. HULKAMANIA

    HULKAMANIA Blue Belt

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    Amen!

    Hahahaha

    When the boss isn't around, we used to have milk gallon throwing contests with all of the spolied stock, too. There's something beautiful about a full gallon of milk exploding against a tree.
     
  8. ghostwipe

    ghostwipe Black Belt

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    God bless you, Hulkamania. That was my only heartwarming story this Christmas.
     
  9. datadog

    datadog Blue Belt

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    Yes, English majors can love the Hulk, however there is a solid law prohibiting Latin gurus from being hulkamaniacs. Sorry, it's just the natural order.
     
  10. ghostwipe

    ghostwipe Black Belt

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    I beg to differ; Rennaisance men are way better than big strong stupid fucks.
     
  11. Madmick

    Madmick Freedom!!! Staff Member Senior Moderator

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    Fair enough.

    Hulk, this is where I leave you. Be brave, my friend.
     
  12. Mark Limbaga

    Mark Limbaga Amateur Fighter

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    Nice story! great to hear it coming from a fellow language major!
     
  13. Urban

    Urban Savage Mystic

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    holiday tales like this warm my heart.
     
  14. datadog

    datadog Blue Belt

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    I was really hoping that I didn't have to put the smiley face at the end to alert folks that this was just teasing...

    However, shouldn't a true Rennaisance man also be big and strong? Perfection in mind and body... [not that I have either]
     
  15. desertbake

    desertbake Orange Belt

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    Me too...beautiful story
     
  16. rickdog

    rickdog Purple Belt

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    This story does warm my heart. I don't know wether you meant to, but calling him Brain was a quite funny too.
     
  17. ghostwipe

    ghostwipe Black Belt

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    Yes.

    I wouldn't have bothered posting it if I had only wanted to claim that smart weak guys are better than strong stupid guys. Especially on a strength training forum...
     
  18. Madmick

    Madmick Freedom!!! Staff Member Senior Moderator

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    They don't even teach Latin in Cali. My mom had all that Latin because she grew up in Tennessee, and my dad knows some because he knows quite a bit about nearly everything, and I never had to study it, supposedly because it isn't "useful", you know, being a "dead" language and all.

    Personally, at this point in my life, I think it would have been more useful to me to have taken it instead of Spanish, and I live in California.
     
  19. Urban

    Urban Savage Mystic

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    Maybe it isn't so in red bluff, but here we speak as much spanish as english. as such I can only communicate with half the local population.
     
  20. Wrecking Ball

    Wrecking Ball Orange Belt

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    Ha try seeing how far you can get on english alone 100 miles south Urban, lol.
     

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