Practical Life advice/Survival tips vol 1

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Jack Handy jr, Jun 3, 2014.

  1. Jack Handy jr

    Jack Handy jr Silver Belt

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    This is some advice from lessons learned after thirty seven years of trial, and error.

    1.Blind dates, don't do it. But if you must. Always position your self in the restaurant were the bathroom is PAST THE EXIT! so when the Tina Yothers/Manimal, Dr.Moreau escapee shows up after your cousin tells you she looks like Tyra Banks, you'll have your egress route already planned. Simply feign illness, excuse yourself from the table, tell it you'll be right back (white lie) proceed directly to your car, drive away. Delete cousin from your cell, and facebook for at least 90 days.

    2.Job interviews. There's a lot of "professional" advice on the do's and don'ts well. Let's just say that I didn't get hired for a job because I listened to some "pro" interview advice. I was a lil too aggressive, and talked my self up too much. This is the thing about interviews, you have to treat them like your trying to land a hot chick. If you come off too aggressive, or have that sex starved look, that'll just turn her off. On the other hand, you can't be aloof, just relax, be yourself, and remove all the pics of you and your favorite bong from the internet before your interview if possible lol.

    3. Sherdog life span. I've lurked SD since 2004, and finally decided to start posting. One thing I've gleaned from seeing posters get killed by mods is to know your mod, know your mod, know your mod. There's a mod in the heavies named computer fogie. from what I can tell he has banned or dubbed half the members on SD. Also, you need to try and befriend a mod by posting thinly veiled compliments like when Dragon does his threads say how badass they are (which they are) then comment on how he's like your internet shi do shi when it comes to all things nerd. But remember, subtlety, or you'll lose the respect of your fellow posters.

    feel free to share your life survival tips light hearted or serious with your sherdog brethren.
     
  2. lapollarecords

    lapollarecords Red Belt

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    -don't ask your schizophrenic pothead friend to write your curriculum vitae for you and send it to all the local businesses without even reading it.
     
  3. Benoco

    Benoco Red Belt

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    I was lurkin' in '97.

    I don't think Computer fogie is a mod anymore, which is a good move for his own stress levels, the guy was on edge.
     
  4. XTREME POWER

    XTREME POWER White Belt

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    TLDR

    1. Look them in the eyes and speak from your heart.
    2. You have to go away to come back.
    3. If someone tells you to keep a secret, it's a lie.

    Ty men.
     
  5. Kühle Hand Luke

    Kühle Hand Luke Mr. Cool Hand Luke Ice

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  6. A.A. Riggs

    A.A. Riggs sweet ... sweet meat!

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    I enjoyed the Tina Yothers reference.
     
  7. Kühle Hand Luke

    Kühle Hand Luke Mr. Cool Hand Luke Ice

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    Yothers aint got nuthin on Dratch.
     
  8. JordanLUFC

    JordanLUFC Red Belt

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    This is some really shitty life advice.
     
  9. $uperman

    $uperman Black Belt Platinum Member

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    1: Don't eat the yellow snow.

    2: Don't pee against the wind.

    3: Don't grab the cactus.
     
  10. Kevin Rudd

    Kevin Rudd Banned Banned

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    My life advice:

    don't ever use petrol as an accelerant.
     
  11. MortalWombat

    MortalWombat Vombatus Sherdoggus

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    Eat lots of fibre.
     
  12. Kühle Hand Luke

    Kühle Hand Luke Mr. Cool Hand Luke Ice

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    how else is my car going to go fast?
     
  13. Kevin Rudd

    Kevin Rudd Banned Banned

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    get a hybrid, you are destroying the environment.
     
  14. A.A. Riggs

    A.A. Riggs sweet ... sweet meat!

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    Hybrid car batteries are made with material more harmful to the environment. I overheard a conversation between doctors at some restaurant how one of them loved her new Tesla and was informed of the environment damage. She said, "Honestly I don't care. I just love how quiet it is and I love not going to the gas station."

    Small ass dining room.
     
  15. TheRash

    TheRash Green Belt

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    Learn how to swallow your pride, others will admire you for being man enough to do that.

    Example: I own a small ranch in West Texas, but I still work as Power Lineman to keep the steady income flowing. I used to drive an F250 3/4 ton 4x4 back and forth to work, because it was my only truck and I needed it to work on my ranch. A few months ago my wife came across a '06 Ford Focus hatch back with 40k miles on it that I could buy next to nothing, so I wrote a check for that cherry and now I rock a Focus to work. I figured my fellow Lineman co workers would give me he'll for going from an F250 to a Focus, but nope they all understand that the Focus is a sacrificial lamb to the mileage Gods and it saves me 100 bucks a month in diesel to keep the truck at the ranch.
     
  16. Thai Domi

    Thai Domi Silver Belt

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    Learn to use the dark side of the force. Only then will you be able to fondle Natalie Portman's supple posterior.
     
  17. $uperman

    $uperman Black Belt Platinum Member

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    Natalie Portman has a beautiful face, but her body doesn't have curves.
     
  18. Headynugget

    Headynugget White Belt

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    You can make a fire by rubbing two squirrels together vigorously.

    You can use olive oil as lube.
     
  19. Josh

    Josh Guest

    37 years is a long time to come up with that.
     
  20. HIMBOB

    HIMBOB Steel Belt

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    Never wipe your dishes with the teatowel at work.
     

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