Objectively funny lines, teevee or film

[OverCoronavirus Pressure]

Bring the funny!
I'll start with an endless source of hilarious single lines, Police Squad!'s detective Frank Drebin:

"We're sorry ma'am. We would have come sooner, but your husband wasn't dead then."

 

[Rygu]

All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

 

[Fluffernutter]

"I want to be so rich that my grandkids will play lacrosse." -Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock

 

[OverCoronavirus Pressure]

All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!

 

[OverCoronavirus Pressure]

From the film Top Secret!

Professor: "You'd better hurry. If they catch you here, your life won't be worth a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory."

 

[Jack Reacheround]

Papsmear: shakes hands with Drebin - “Lieutenant.”
Drebin: “The feeling is mutual.”

 

[nostradumbass]

 

[Jack Reacheround]

Right here is why Leslie Nielsen was so great.

 

[nostradumbass]

 

[Pliny Pete]

"I want to be so rich that my grandkids will play lacrosse." -Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock

My favorite line from that show "I love it so much I wanna take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant"

 

[OverCoronavirus Pressure]

My favorite line from that show "I love it so much I wanna take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant"

I love comedic lines that would have been scandalous twenty years ago

 

[Cool Hand Luke]

'If he's still in there, he ain't happy!'

 

[moreorless87]

 

[90 50]

“I’d normally jump at the chance to race mister, it the thing is I’m not used to seeing the chevy go to work on a two bit piece of junk like that”

 

[Deleted member 220895]

Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this. -Tony Soprano

 

[syct23]

Wally,

Don't you think you were a little rough on the beav last night?

- June to Wally Cleaver on Leave it to Beaver.

 

[blitzk]

Arrested Development has plenty of good ones.
This is probably my favorite one:

 

[Ken Fresno]

The scene in Risky Business after Tom Cruise had his first encounter with Lana. He wakes up and she's eating breakfast and refuses to leave the house. So he goes to school and leaves her there because it's finals week or whatever. The whole school day he's just watching the clock waiting to run back home. The clock is dragging and every class is taking forever. He's in his last class, biology, and he's staring at the clock as it's about to hit 3:30. And instead it ticks backwards to 3:28, and he says

Oh my GOD DAMMIT! JESUS CHRIST!

..in the dead silent classroom, then gets up and runs out, pushing people out of the way. His delivery made me laugh way too hard, at a 35 year old scene, alone in my house the other day.