Need Advice from Recovering Alcoholics

[SwamiLeoni]

Not for myself, but for a friend.

She is a 100% alcoholic, she knows she is and she wants to do something about it. However, she is afraid she is going to die and doesn't want to go to detox. She said that she wants to try and Taper off of it, and I tell her that without a written plan she will never know if she is progressing.

I read a website that gave advice that basically said that if you're a heavy drinker you should switch to drinking a beer every hour, then every hour and a half and then 2 hours and so on.

She's a boxed wine drinker, and drinks all day and all night. She wakes up every 2 hours and drinks because she shakes and has anxiety. It is really bad, and she talks as if she just wants to give up. Her parents support her by paying for everything..rent, food, utils..ect ect. She doesn't have a license because she was involved in a hit and run. Although she said there wasn't drinking involved and there was no proof, I'm almost sure there was. She cannot put down the sauce.

I tell her to go to AA and talk with people who have been though this same situation. I'm not an alcoholic myself, but I just got out of my 6th consecutive AA meeting, and my feeling is that they would work for 90% of the people who gave it a 100% commitment. She will not accept that at all, she won't tell her family and there is nothing I can do. Like many say in here, you can't save someone from themselves, but there has to be something I can do to help.

Aside from Detox, what are ways we can work together to help her slowly ween off this stuff? I know she has to "want" to do it, so that's the first battle. But is detox her only way out?

Thanks.

 

[Cid]

Her only way out is admitting she needs help and doing what it is necessary to get out. Seems she's only half way there.

Not an alcoholic though so...

 

[SwamiLeoni]

Her only way out is admitting she needs help and doing what it is necessary to get out. Seems she's only half way there.

Not an alcoholic though so...

I keep telling her that, but the thought of her possibly dying freaks her out to the point that she is just in the "not going to stop" mode.

 

[Rex Kwon Do]

FWIW I had an alcoholic family member that went through AA and it worked really, really well for them. They got off the sauce and never touched it again until the day they died, made lifelong friends (who it also worked for very well), went back to school and got a degree in a very intellectually demanding field...so yeah, it seems to be a good route for some people.

If she's afraid she's going to die or develop an anxiety problem getting off the stuff, I'm assuming her life isn't terrible enough right now to feel that anything would be preferable to her current hellish existence. Hasn't hit rock bottom, I guess.

I'm sure this is frowned upon by the medical community but...what about the Trainspotting method? You know, where your parents lock you in your room and feed you soup a couple of times a day.

 

[bcordova]

Is she afraid of dying because she will kill herself without it or the withdrawals that she will have? I know alcohol is suppose to be very dangerous doing cold turkey but not really sure why.

 

[DoctorTaco]

Go see a doctor maybe? My wife's almost a year sober, but was never to this point.

Edit: my wife's rock bottom was me grabbing the kid and leaving for 3 days. She's been going to AA and seeing a shrink. Both help tremendously

 

[Snakesolidsnake]

She's a boxed wine drinker, and drinks all day and all night. She wakes up every 2 hours and drinks because she shakes and has anxiety.

That right there tells me she needs rehab/detox. If she shakes from not drinking she needs serious help and someone to look after her when she is trying to get it out of her system.

You could trying the weening off thing you mentioned, but she needs constant supervision for a long time.

 

[SwamiLeoni]

FWIW I had an alcoholic family member that went through AA and it worked really, really well for them. They got off the sauce and never touched it again until the day they died, made lifelong friends (who it also worked for very well), went back to school and got a degree in a very intellectually demanding field...so yeah, it seems to be a good route for some people.

If she's afraid she's going to die or develop an anxiety problem getting off the stuff, I'm assuming her life isn't terrible enough right now to feel that anything would be preferable to her current hellish existence. Hasn't hit rock bottom, I guess.

I'm sure this is frowned upon by the medical community but...what about the Trainspotting method? You know, where your parents lock you in your room and feed you soup a couple of times a day.

From the meetings I have been to, AA is one of the most wonderful programs I have ever been to. Right when I showed up, people greeted me and wanted to know my story.

She is against it because she "doesn't want to hear anyone's depressing stories" and I'm guessing that it's actually because it would be a glimpse into her life.

She lives in a small town that has nothing to do but drink, her dad lives in San Diego and doesn't know about it and the rest of her family is clueless. She's so far along that she might actually die if he tried to have her "sweat" it out.

But you're correct, she has nothing to worry about at all. What they say in AA is that in order for you to quit there has to be something great that you will lose if you don't than alcohol.

Unfortunately for her, she really has nothing to lose. Pretty, funny and charming, but has no goals right now because she is consumed by her vice.

 

[MR NHB]

She'll need detox. She's not ready to stop cold turkey on her own, or even ween herself off. She will control the intake for a time, but fall off the train and go heavy again. They all do. One day she'll wake up in a pool of her own traffic jam feeling panicked and ready to take the first proper steps.

I dealt with alcoholism for a number of years. Between the AGES OF 20-27 I drank seven days a week, going from regular beer to malt liquor to franzia to strait whiskey. If I wasn't at work 10hrs a day, I was drinking and passing out. I woke up and started drinking at 8am on the weekends.

I eventually met an awesome girl, and our marriage pretty much saved me. I still drink a couple nights a week, but only go hard on the occasion with buddies or out to watch a UFC PPV. My tolerance towards the end of my run was insane, too. I could drink a whole box of Franzia (5 liters) or a 5th of whiskey in an evening and not be toasted.

You friend will know when it's time for her to stop. How old is she, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[SwamiLeoni]

Is she afraid of dying because she will kill herself without it or the withdrawals that she will have? I know alcohol is suppose to be very dangerous doing cold turkey but not really sure why.

She is afraid of the pain the withdrawals will cause her and already knows what it feels like because she has been through it once.

Go see a doctor maybe? My wife's almost a year sober, but was never to this point.

Edit: my wife's rock bottom was me grabbing the kid and leaving for 3 days. She's been going to AA and seeing a shrink. Both help tremendously

I've talked to her about this, but she refuses to seek any sort of medical assistance.

That right there tells me she needs rehab/detox. If she shakes from not drinking she needs serious help and someone to look after her when she is trying to get it out of her system.

You could trying the weening off thing you mentioned, but she needs constant supervision for a long time.

I don't know where to stand trying to get a hold of her Grandma who raised her or her dad who is a loose cannon. I have known her for 6-7 years, and we are extremely close but have only met her grandma once and never her dad.

Finding a way to talk her into detox is going to be tough. She said the last time she went in her family got really pissed off at her. I talked to her about it, and told her that she needs to do it for her and no one else. Who gives a shit what other people think type stuff. She's a scared girl right now, and its completely heartbreaking to see.

 

[TruthBeTold]

You can die from alcohol withdrawal. There is no cold turkey for someone that bad. It needs to slow the fuck down to light beer or even then it may not work. Medical detox will reset her.

 

[SwamiLeoni]

She'll need detox. She's not ready to stop cold turkey on her own, or even ween herself off. She will control the intake for a time, but fall off the train and go heavy again. They all do. One day she'll wake up in a pool of her own traffic jam feeling panicked and ready to take the first proper steps.

I dealt with alcoholism for a number of years. Between the AGES OF 20-27 I drank seven days a week, going from regular beer to malt liquor to franzia to strait whiskey. If I wasn't at work 10hrs a day, I was drinking and passing out. I woke up and started drinking at 8am on the weekends.

I eventually met an awesome girl, and our marriage pretty much saved me. I still drink a couple nights a week, but only go hard on the occasion with buddies or out to watch a UFC PPV. My tolerance towards the end of my run was insane, too. I could drink a whole box of Franzia (5 liters) or a 5th of whiskey in an evening and not be toasted.

You friend will know when it's time for her to stop. How old is she, if you don't mind me asking?

She's 26 turning 27 in march. She lives by herself and has problems with the dudes she has dated. The last guy (one of my close friends, which is how I met her) basically did a 180 degree life turn. He now sells pills, weed, coke and anything else he can make a buck off of. He shows up to her house and practically beats her up. I live in the next town (about 70 miles) from her, but she tells me the stories.

I'm pretty sure she dusts at least 4-5 boxes a week from what she tells me. I will take your advice and really push for the Detox. I know she's not going to want to hear it, but shes going to have to "want" to do it and be ready to do it.

 

[Rex Kwon Do]

From the meetings I have been to, AA is one of the most wonderful programs I have ever been to. Right when I showed up, people greeted me and wanted to know my story.

She is against it because she "doesn't want to hear anyone's depressing stories" and I'm guessing that it's actually because it would be a glimpse into her life.

She lives in a small town that has nothing to do but drink, her dad lives in San Diego and doesn't know about it and the rest of her family is clueless. She's so far along that she might actually die if he tried to have her "sweat" it out.

But you're correct, she has nothing to worry about at all. What they say in AA is that in order for you to quit there has to be something great that you will lose if you don't than alcohol.

Unfortunately for her, she really has nothing to lose. Pretty, funny and charming, but has no goals right now because she is consumed by her vice.

Ha, that reminds me of something. When we were kids, my family used to go to the annual AA get-together (weird upbringing, huh?). I think it was a Christmas thing, you know, a rented VFW hall type of deal. The people were great, and every year they'd have people get up on the stage and tell their story. Man, they were great. I probably only picked up 25% of what was going on in them (at best), but my mother tells me about how great those stories were to this day. Lots of humor, whole hall laughing and shaking their heads.

So yeah, in my experience, they were far from sob stories. They were stories told by human beings who had run themselves through the gauntlet and come out alive. You could imagine that leads to a healthy appreciation for gallows humor. Every great story needs some sadness and some humor. It probably wouldn't be as depressing as she expects. But honestly, "I don't want to hear sob stories" sounds more like her rationalization than her actual belief of what she'd be confronted with.

 

[Sexy]

Let her live.

 

[MilesAbove]

Honestly, you have to taper if it is a intensive alcoholic. Problem is that the whole crux of alcoholism is that the person can't taper properly. It will take a lot of oversight. That's not easy, and whomever is overseeing her struggle needs very thick skin.

Best of luck. It's an uphill battle but absolutely worth it for both her and everyone else involved.

 

[blokeybloke]

Whenever I tried to help friends it just stretched out/lengthened their fall, in hindsight it almost seemed like I was a cushion just before they hit bottom. They need that hard crash landing, IMO.

I'm a firm believer in letting them find their own bottom & sorting themselves out. It's been my experience that crutches & enablers do them more harm than good. Doing it solo worked best for me.

AA works for some people, but all it did for me was ramp up the self-loathing. I never took the time to find an AA group that suited my standing in life though. Ones I went to were full of poverty stricken folk who I had nothing in common with at all.

 

[LiverpunchKO]

have a bargain with God. e.g. God if i stop drinking, will you give me a decent job? or God if i stop drinking, will you help me pass my subjects in school?

religion can be good at times. atheists shit on you for being too stupid,too weak to believe something that doesnt exist but the truth is, it can be a strength in the right circumstances.

 

[cwingwvwc]

Seems like everyone is doing all of the steps for her. She needs to accept and initiate. I myself landed in the hospital several times as a teenagers and got a DUI. During college I would get the shakes if I wasn't drinking. And I don't know what it was but at times my insides would hurt like hell. I kicked it after I woke up with a terribly shattered foot and had no idea how it happened. I quit immediately. It only cost me 6 months in a wheelchair, 6 months on crutches, 4 months of rehab therapy, and 3 surgeries. She has to be the one who quits.

 

[JonesBones]

If she is afraid she is gonna die she should be supervised by the proper people. I'm sure most detox places have safeguards to make sure that doesn't happen. It would probably be safest.

 

[Snakesolidsnake]

I don't know where to stand trying to get a hold of her Grandma who raised her or her dad who is a loose cannon. I have known her for 6-7 years, and we are extremely close but have only met her grandma once and never her dad.

Finding a way to talk her into detox is going to be tough. She said the last time she went in her family got really pissed off at her. I talked to her about it, and told her that she needs to do it for her and no one else. Who gives a shit what other people think type stuff. She's a scared girl right now, and its completely heartbreaking to see.

What? That's one of the most messed up things I've ever read. What the hell is wrong with her family?

The problem with AA is the lack of constant supervision in the early stages. It works for some people, but the success rate is pretty low. Studies are really hard to conduct because of the nature of it, but most studies show a success rate between 10-40%, but even AA admits that most upwards of 80% stop attending after 1 month.

Outside of moving in with her and monitoring her 24/7, she needs detox. And as fucked up as it sounds, if her family gets mad at her for getting help, she needs to disown them. How can someone be mad at someone else for that? Do whatever you can to get her to detox - sounds like you are the only one who cares about her.