DEFENCE & ARMS
Let Russia Solve Iraq
By Exile.Ru 29/6/06
Jul 4, 2006 - 8:03:00 AM
But ever since President Putin's announcement this week that he was planning to send Russian Special Forces into Iraq on the pretext of hunting down the terrorists who killed four Russian diplomats, that snickering is transforming into something like that sound people make when they have bad stomach gas that causes those weird little mini-vomit burps and that other sound that's kind of like a throat-fart. Those are the stomach's way of saying, "Yikes."
As well those stomachs should. Because the real message Putin is sending is this: America, you've completely fucked up everything in Iraq. You did your best, and that's fine and dandy for a nice kid like you only until someone Russian gets hurt. That's when it's time for you to step aside, and let the adults come in and fix the goddamn problem.
Yes, you heard us correctly. Russia is going to come in like a white knight, like a stern yet effect parent, and clean up li'l America's mess in the sandbox known as Iraq. Because as the only responsible adults left in the neighborhood, Russia simply has no other choice.
How will Putin fix Iraq? Simple. Unlike the Americans, Russia has a plan. And that plan is can be summed up thusly: "kill most everyone, and scare the living fuck out of everyone who isn't dead." The beauty of this plan is in its simplicity.
While Americans approach the Iraq quagmire like good hard-working schoolboys, trying to solve problems with teacher-pleasing complicated coalition-building schemes and military feints, advances, and PR, the Russians have proven that by behaving like an adult and sticking to good' ol' fashioned killing or disappearing half the population, you can solve these kinds of problems.
You don't hear much about Chechnya these days, do you? Not the way you hear about Iraq, not even close. That's because out of a prewar population of 1.3 million, today Chechnya only has about 300,000 people left. That's just the number to the right of the dot in 1.3. If I was one of the guys on the right side of that decimal, I'd be pretty quite too, for a long, long time.
"Hey, what about human rights?" we can hear you squeal.
That's an excellent point and a fine question. To which Russia is ready to answer with its own question: "What about your fucking gas, huh? Do you still want it? Huh?"
Then the West'll go, "No, wait-wait-wait, we didn't - we just meant, you know, we're concerned, but it's not like, heh-heh, you know?"
"No, we don't know," says Russia. Then Russia gets all Joe Pesci like and goes, "You said 'human rights.' You said it, you motherfucker. What the fuck is so human rights-y about your country without natural gas, huh? What the fuck, please enlighten me, you fuck! I've got my finger on the fucking off switch at Transneft. Just bleat one more fucking time, you fuck, and I swear I'll turn it off!"
"Yeah, yeah, we're done, we swear!"
"Good, now get the fuck out of my face. You motherfucking mutt."
And with that, the Russian Special Forces will enter Iraq. And the Americans will step aside with all their little "coalition" playfriends. And when the Russians are through cleaning up the mess, and they drive America home in its stationwagon back from occupation practice, we guarantee that in the new Russia-controlled occupied-Iraq, every Iraqi who survives will be a very light sleeper for the rest of his or her life.
That's the key to building consensus and democracy. Turning the population into light sleepers. It worked in Chechnya. It'll work again in Iraq.
