I’ve been having fun imagining a universe where all the theories about Oak Island were true, and then imagining the head Templar (we’ll call him Steve) explain the plan to his second in command (we’ll call him Gary). Here’s how that convo may have went:
(Note: every point is based on an actual theory shared on the show).
Steve: Okay, this island is perfect. We’ll bury the treasure here.
Gary: Great sir. I’ll have my men on it immediately.
S: Perfect. Just have them bury it about 170 feet down.
G: Come again?
S: I want it buried about 170 feet deep.
G: Wow. That seems deep. But it is precious treasure. I’ll make it happen.
S: Great. Make sure when you get down there that you dig a large cavern at the bottom.
G: Say what now?
S: We’ll need a cavern about the size of a bedroom.
G: Why?
S: Oh I forgot to tell you. Once your 170 feet down, we’re gonna build a massive wooden treasure vault that we’ll put the treasure chests in and then we’ll surround that with concrete.
G: This seems excessive.
S: DO NOT QUESTION ME!!!
G: Sir if it must be done, we’ll do it.
S: Great, I’ll have Mike start cutting down a hundred or so trees.
G: Oh I don’t think we need that many trees for the vault sir.
S: Well they’re for the vault and the platforms.
G: Platforms?
S: Yeah, every 10 feet down I want wood platforms.
G: But....why?
S: So we know how far down we are. Plus, what else would we lay the flat stone on?
G: The flat stone?
S: Oh Yeah, this is great. When you get down to 90 feet I want a stone that says “40 feet down is treasure.”
G: But I thought the treasure would be down 170 feet.
S: Ha Ha!! That’s the trick! If any rapscallion gets down to that stone, they’ll end up thinking the treasure is only 40 feet lower. Boy will their be egg on their faces.
G: Surrrree. I’ll have Jim make up the stone slab message.
S: Great! Tell him I want to see the code before he puts it there.
G: What code?
S: Well duh? I don’t want it just written in plain ol’ English. I want it to be like some cool hieroglyphs or something. Jim’s creative, he’ll think of something.
G: Doesn’t that defeat the purpose....
S: No.
G: Ooookay. Well I better get started then.
S: Yeah, I feel bad for any sucker that goes past that slab! Blammo!!! Flood water!
G: Wait what?
S: Oh Yeah, I need you to dig tunnels out to the cove?
G: What cove?
S: Well, we’ll have to make a man made cove. And there will be flood tunnels from the pit to the cove.
G: Okay, that gives me like a 100 questions. But the first one is won’t the tunnels through the sand just collapse?
S: No. Because the tunnel will be a stone box drain.
G: A stone box drain?
S: Well 6 actually.
G: 6!!!?
S: Yeah I want one main one that biforcates into 6 stone box drains.
G: Even so! Years of salt water will erode these drains.
S: That’s why we need thousands of coconuts!
G: You’ve gotta be shitting me! Is this a prank?
S: No I’m dead serious. We’re gonna completely cover our artificial beach with coconut fibers!! I think that will help somehow. We’ll find out.
G: Alright, I’m going to ignore the fact that we are wayyyyy north of any friggin coconuts right now and just ask how the heck do we even get back to the treasure itself after this booby trap is installed?
S: We dig another massive hole that goes past it and go in sideways!!!
G: So if any wouldbe treasure hunter finds the first hole it’s certain death. But if they find the second hole, it’s just easy access to the treasure?
S: Yep! Let’s hope they find hole numero uno first. Ha!
G: Yeah, otherwise they’d get the whole damn treasure and all this work would be pointless!!!
S: Well not the whole treasure.
G: Whatta you mean?
S: Some will be on the Spanish Ship.
G: What Spanish Ship?
S: We’ll need to get one.
G: And then what?
S: We’ll put some treasure on it and then scuttle it.
G: WTF?!! Maybe someday in the future there will exist diving equipment to allow us to retrieve that. But for now, that’s as good as throwing it away!!!
S: I don’t mean to scuttle it in the ocean Gary. Don’t be stupid. I mean to do it in the swamp. If we want it back, we just need to drain an entire swamp.
G: WHAT SWAMP?!! WE’RE ON AN ISLAND!!
S: Sheesh calm down. See that island over there? We’re going to simply terraform the ocean between these two islands and make one island connected by a swamp! Genius!
G: OMG! That’s the second terraforming you’ve planned!! This will take years!!
S: We better get to it. You start those projects and I’ll get Dennis to start melting the gold.
G: Why? Why? Why?
S: Oh, so we can turn it into tiny crosses.
G: Whyyyyyyyyyy?!!!
S: So we can dip those crosses into molten lead. Then if anyone finds them, they’ll think there’s no gold!! Just lead crosses!! And I want the lead crosses to look like that weird little cross James carved in the prison wall back in France.
G: Do you have any idea how heavy a treasure chest filled with lead crosses will be?
S: Don’t worry. When John and the fellas are done moving the boulders they’ll help out.
G: What boulders?
S: We need to build a mile long tree-of-life cross out of boulders.
G: Why do we need to do that?
S: Because under the boulder representing wisdom will be the third location for some of the treasure!
G: And where will that be?!!
S: At the top of the swamp.
G: What do you mean “The Top”?
S: Well, I was thinking, just for fun now, we could make the swamp a triangle! Like a pyramid? Get it?!! Some of the treasure will be in the eye of the pyramid!!
G: *face palm*....So when do we even retrieve the treasure?
S: Retrieve?
G: Yes. When do we dig it back up and drain the swamp?
S: I don’t know. I’m just in charge of burying the thing. Chop chop. I’m gonna catch a nap. You can fill me in on your progress later.
(Note: every point is based on an actual theory shared on the show).
Steve: Okay, this island is perfect. We’ll bury the treasure here.
Gary: Great sir. I’ll have my men on it immediately.
S: Perfect. Just have them bury it about 170 feet down.
G: Come again?
S: I want it buried about 170 feet deep.
G: Wow. That seems deep. But it is precious treasure. I’ll make it happen.
S: Great. Make sure when you get down there that you dig a large cavern at the bottom.
G: Say what now?
S: We’ll need a cavern about the size of a bedroom.
G: Why?
S: Oh I forgot to tell you. Once your 170 feet down, we’re gonna build a massive wooden treasure vault that we’ll put the treasure chests in and then we’ll surround that with concrete.
G: This seems excessive.
S: DO NOT QUESTION ME!!!
G: Sir if it must be done, we’ll do it.
S: Great, I’ll have Mike start cutting down a hundred or so trees.
G: Oh I don’t think we need that many trees for the vault sir.
S: Well they’re for the vault and the platforms.
G: Platforms?
S: Yeah, every 10 feet down I want wood platforms.
G: But....why?
S: So we know how far down we are. Plus, what else would we lay the flat stone on?
G: The flat stone?
S: Oh Yeah, this is great. When you get down to 90 feet I want a stone that says “40 feet down is treasure.”
G: But I thought the treasure would be down 170 feet.
S: Ha Ha!! That’s the trick! If any rapscallion gets down to that stone, they’ll end up thinking the treasure is only 40 feet lower. Boy will their be egg on their faces.
G: Surrrree. I’ll have Jim make up the stone slab message.
S: Great! Tell him I want to see the code before he puts it there.
G: What code?
S: Well duh? I don’t want it just written in plain ol’ English. I want it to be like some cool hieroglyphs or something. Jim’s creative, he’ll think of something.
G: Doesn’t that defeat the purpose....
S: No.
G: Ooookay. Well I better get started then.
S: Yeah, I feel bad for any sucker that goes past that slab! Blammo!!! Flood water!
G: Wait what?
S: Oh Yeah, I need you to dig tunnels out to the cove?
G: What cove?
S: Well, we’ll have to make a man made cove. And there will be flood tunnels from the pit to the cove.
G: Okay, that gives me like a 100 questions. But the first one is won’t the tunnels through the sand just collapse?
S: No. Because the tunnel will be a stone box drain.
G: A stone box drain?
S: Well 6 actually.
G: 6!!!?
S: Yeah I want one main one that biforcates into 6 stone box drains.
G: Even so! Years of salt water will erode these drains.
S: That’s why we need thousands of coconuts!
G: You’ve gotta be shitting me! Is this a prank?
S: No I’m dead serious. We’re gonna completely cover our artificial beach with coconut fibers!! I think that will help somehow. We’ll find out.
G: Alright, I’m going to ignore the fact that we are wayyyyy north of any friggin coconuts right now and just ask how the heck do we even get back to the treasure itself after this booby trap is installed?
S: We dig another massive hole that goes past it and go in sideways!!!
G: So if any wouldbe treasure hunter finds the first hole it’s certain death. But if they find the second hole, it’s just easy access to the treasure?
S: Yep! Let’s hope they find hole numero uno first. Ha!
G: Yeah, otherwise they’d get the whole damn treasure and all this work would be pointless!!!
S: Well not the whole treasure.
G: Whatta you mean?
S: Some will be on the Spanish Ship.
G: What Spanish Ship?
S: We’ll need to get one.
G: And then what?
S: We’ll put some treasure on it and then scuttle it.
G: WTF?!! Maybe someday in the future there will exist diving equipment to allow us to retrieve that. But for now, that’s as good as throwing it away!!!
S: I don’t mean to scuttle it in the ocean Gary. Don’t be stupid. I mean to do it in the swamp. If we want it back, we just need to drain an entire swamp.
G: WHAT SWAMP?!! WE’RE ON AN ISLAND!!
S: Sheesh calm down. See that island over there? We’re going to simply terraform the ocean between these two islands and make one island connected by a swamp! Genius!
G: OMG! That’s the second terraforming you’ve planned!! This will take years!!
S: We better get to it. You start those projects and I’ll get Dennis to start melting the gold.
G: Why? Why? Why?
S: Oh, so we can turn it into tiny crosses.
G: Whyyyyyyyyyy?!!!
S: So we can dip those crosses into molten lead. Then if anyone finds them, they’ll think there’s no gold!! Just lead crosses!! And I want the lead crosses to look like that weird little cross James carved in the prison wall back in France.
G: Do you have any idea how heavy a treasure chest filled with lead crosses will be?
S: Don’t worry. When John and the fellas are done moving the boulders they’ll help out.
G: What boulders?
S: We need to build a mile long tree-of-life cross out of boulders.
G: Why do we need to do that?
S: Because under the boulder representing wisdom will be the third location for some of the treasure!
G: And where will that be?!!
S: At the top of the swamp.
G: What do you mean “The Top”?
S: Well, I was thinking, just for fun now, we could make the swamp a triangle! Like a pyramid? Get it?!! Some of the treasure will be in the eye of the pyramid!!
G: *face palm*....So when do we even retrieve the treasure?
S: Retrieve?
G: Yes. When do we dig it back up and drain the swamp?
S: I don’t know. I’m just in charge of burying the thing. Chop chop. I’m gonna catch a nap. You can fill me in on your progress later.
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